A Nanner's vent

I decided that I need to vent a little, so sit back and grab a chair, this might be long.

 

I am so tired of this daily game I play to have a life.  I am tired of getting up everyday and going to work.  I am tired of being strong.  I am tired of having to lie when someone asks how you are, and you say fine, but really aren’t.  Even though my Crohn’s is in remission, I have some issue to deal with ALL the time, whether it be Crohn’s, my joints or whatever chooses to present itself that day. 

 

I am tired of not having the energy to be the wife I should be.  I am tired of not being able to be the wife he deserves.  I am tired of giving all my energy to my job, instead of to this wonderful husband who loves me so unconditionally.  I am pissed that to live, I have to work, yet grateful that I have job and then feeling guilty I have complained.  I am tired of always doing the right thing and going to work when I would rather just go back to bed, because I don’t want to put someone else out.  I am tired of having to take nausea meds first thing every morning so that I can proceed with my day. I am tired of never being able to make plans, I am tired of telling him not tonight honey, I am just too tired or I hurt too much.  But every night there he is continuing to love me and every night massaging my diseased body until I fall asleep.  He doesn’t complain, just loves me, worts and all.  But I still feel guilty that I can’t do more for him.

 

I am tired of being strong.  I want to just give in and be allowed to be a sick person.  I want to able to lay down when I need/want to, to say no when I need to take care of ME.  I am just tired of this continuous daily fight I have to go thru, just to try to have a semi normal life.  But as always, I have to get back up, put my happy face on and do what I have to do. 

 

Then I feel bad about even complaining as others have it so much worse than me, i.e. Sniper’s wife or NyVeggie or Dunny.  I hate that I am sick, but never sick enough.  I am just so tired of this daily continuous fight.  I am tired of never having good days, but having to accept somewhat better days instead.  Tired of feeling guilty about it too.

 

Don’t know where I am going with all this, but I just need to get it out.  To those closet shrinks, no I am not depressed, I am just tired!  Thanks to those who took the time to read this.  Hugs!

JA, I do tell him every single day how much I appreciate him. He is such a gift to me, how could I not:)

Oh my dear friend, you echo so many of my words. You bring tears to my eyes because you consider
me one of the unlucky ones, when I feel so badly for you and all the others that have to work.
Like you I'm tired of not being able to be all those things I used to be, wife, lover. But I tell myself
maybe, just maybe I might be feeling a little like that even without the disease, you know that 'age'
thing.

Maybe it's time to look at disability Gail. I know you would qualify. YOU are tired, and you deserve to
have that rest that you long for.

At least you don't have to put your 'happy' face on here. And giving you time is the least we can do!!
Please know how very important you are to us, and you can come for virtual hugs anytime.
I'm thinking of you, (((hugs)))

I know what you mean, it's like you want to live a normal life but can't.sometimes even if I feel bad I try to fool myself that I'm okay so I can continue to feel normal. But i'm in remission too and I'm glad I'm in remission but sometimes I wish I could feel completely well. Anyways, I hope you feel better and have great days soon.Hugs!

Would I qualify Vicky??? I doubt it:( Thats what is so sad to me. Sitting at my desk right now trying not to cry. I want to puke, then I get an email the receptionist is going to a doctor appt and I have to go cover some time doing her job. Aaaaggghhh!! I can't do anymore!!!

You know Vicky, I tried to bring up the subject with my family doc one time, his response "Oh then you would be bored". Maybe, but I could stop when I need to, rest when I need to. I have a truck to payoff, thats my only debt left. And once that happens maybe I can then think about it. Need two knee replacements and can't even go there right now, as the kidney surgery was so traumatic for me, that I am literally surgery weary now. So I go every 3 mos to the ortho doc and get them injected to help me carry on for a little longer. Not sure how much longer he will continue to allow them, but for now I have to keep doing it while I can.

Vicky thank you for your support and all others who have commented. I have no where else to go to vent, no one else understands the life we have we this darn disease. To everyone else, I am just whining again. I am sure you all understand that. I have gotten to where I don't say much anymore, as no one gets it.

Still feel pretty wiped out and low, but I do appreciate the support I have gotten. Hugs!

Thanks Vicky!! Now you are making me cry:) Sometimes I wish we weren't an online support group but an in person one. Then we could really feel the hugs sent to eachother.

(((HUGS))) Isn't it crazy that we have to give ourselves permission to be sick? Hang in there! Sending good thoughts of strength and support your way.

Stef

To nanners and all....  Thank you!!!  Thank you for letting us know that the feeling we have are valid and felt by others. I feel so alone at times, not wanting to complain..ALWAYS being the poster child for "get over it".  People expect me now to rise above and move on with my life when all I want to do is crawl up in a ball. In additon to the crohns and breast cancer, I  now have to deal with an inoperable rectal prolapse... like the runs and being in the BR all is not enough. 

I hate being "sick" but I have to say.. years ago my GI told me to go for disability and i DID.. and after a long fight I got it!!!! 

Anyway.... to a wondeful group!  I have met many  people here who have become my friends out side of the forum.  Believe me when i say they are my salvation.

So Nanners... have your pity party just dont' forget to invite the rest of us!!!

Prof

Nanners,

You have been at this for 35 years, I think you are entitled to feel this way, and it is good to vent. I to have been at this for 30 plus years, and I think it is important to make time for yourself. By that I mean take a few hours a week and do something for yourself that you enjoy whether its a manicure or sitting down and reading a good book. I have a hot bath everynight, it helps the bottom end and it relaxes me.

As for the disability, are you ready to give up your job? Its a big step and one that is hard for us to take. I am on disability, and I find it really helps because the longer we have this disease the more side effects from med (pred, etc) we have to deal let alone the disease itself. It is easy for the doctor (whom is healthy) to say you would be bored, but it is amazing how quickly your days fill up, but most importantly if you aren't well, you can lay down with the heating pad or do whatever you know helps you, and not to age us (lol) but we aren't getting any younger.

Do something for yourself after work today, and share a good laugh with someone, it really is the best medicine.

Julia

Oh Gail you have reduced me to (empathetic) tears reading your post - you have put into words exactly how I too am feeling at the moment and no it is not depression just exhaustion and a smidgeon of sheer frustration.

I too find it VERY hard to turn up for work every day no matter what and keep a bright face for family and friends regardless of how I really feel so you have made my day to know I am not the only one who feels like I do.

You are such a positive soul and you make such a difference to many of use through this board I just wish I could do something practical for you but tricky due to physical location disparity <grin> so instead sending big cyber hugs your way {{{{{nanners}}}}}

ya know living in the aftermath of a couple of nasty earthquakes I find many parallels to people with chronic illness.  My friend who lost only a very precious (to her) piece of china has as much right to feel sad as my daughter who lost her whole house.  Scale is unimportant, the impact it has on each individual is what matters :)

Hope my doctor is in hug mode when I see him this arvo - will get one for you too :)

Lesley in NZ

Roni, honestly do not believe I would be here right now if not for him. I am literally spoiled rotten by this man. Any need I have he takes care of it. I am so blessed!!

Geeeeez Nanners you hit the nail on the head. I think we all can relate . Wish I had some good advice but if I had answers I would use my own advise. I did manage to work for enough years to retire though I dont know how the h#!! I did. There were many times when I just knew I would die hanging on a telephone pole. Retirement has not really turned out as I had planed either but there are days when I drag my old bones out of bed , get a cup of coffee and perch on the back porch very very thankful to not have to move much more than that. All I can tell you is, your not alone and if you need to talk, my E mail adrs. is in my profile. I can send you pictures of my duck. Hes over 18 years old. I dont know what that is in duck years but he does have some signs of aging . I figure if he can still quack, so can I .