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Depression is killing us -- Can anyone help?

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Posted 8/28/2014 12:59 AM (GMT 0)
This is a long story. So, I'll just cut it short to see if someone can help.

Basically, our 25 year old son has been living without his large intestine since 3wks old. There was misdiagnosis and malpractice involved that was brushed under the table to prevent any compensation for his now lifelong pain and suffering. Of course, we the parents, suffered along with that as parents would. The story is so hurtful you would not believe the way it went down.

Anyway, his depression about his condition and his inability to work or go out due to the problems he suffers has been getting the best of him and consequently. The stress is getting to the unbearable point.

Our boy's non-cooperation in self-preservation is a major stress breaking point for us. He refuses to eat properly and he does things that are not good for him like heating his room on high when its 90 degrees outside and keeping all the windows and doors closed. We had to take him to the hospital for heat stroke due to that. But, after recovering and returning home he still maintains the same habits despite all that we try to do for him. You know, 25 years of his suffering I think is getting the best of him. No one seems to know what to do for him. He was okay to about 17 but these last few years have been Hell.

Does anyone out there have a similar problem to relate or a remedy for our dilemma? Are there any support groups that we or he can get involved in where discussions can be had and help received?

He suffers from what has been called Short Bowel Syndrome.
Posted 8/28/2014 3:31 AM (GMT 0)
So your son is essentially an ostomate? or did they reattach his small bowel to the rectum?

It seems like therapy is in order. Plus antidepressants. Maybe he should be living in a group home away from his parents, too.

Short bowel syndrome I thought was due to losing small bowel, not colon.

I'm sorry this is so hard for all of you.
Posted 8/28/2014 7:06 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Kazbern for the reply.

They use SBS to describe either procedure. He is reattached to the anus. So there is no colostomy bag.

We have tried to get him to counseling but he refuses. A group home has been considered too with the same response.

We are trying to get him to find others like him and get a conversation going etc. Any drugs are out of the question. Neither he nor we believe that chemicals are a solution.

If you know of a group he can join please let us know.

Thanks again.
Posted 8/28/2014 1:52 PM (GMT 0)
He's 25 years old. I realize it's hard if not impossible to kick your son out of the house, but it seems like it's time to separate. If your son won't go to therapy then I suggest you and your husband go. And maybe that will become family therapy.

"Chemicals" are not bad if they help your brain function effectively. Antidepressants can be very effective tools in healing a depressed brain from what I know.
Posted 8/28/2014 3:54 PM (GMT 0)
I understand that your situation involves a long story, but with what appears to be limited info, I agree w/ Kaz. Tough love can be effective. With one caveat, though, does he have any sort of intellectual disabilities? If so, "tough love" or kicking him out probably won't work as intended and could be dangerous in terms of the outcome. If he is a danger to himself, he may need to be hospitalized without a choice in the matter. Depression is one thing, but activities which put his life at risk are completely different. Purposely giving himself heat stroke is worrying. Did he do it because he is trying to die, or does he have a mental inability to understand the consequences of his actions? If you don't know the answer to this question, you need to find out.

You said he was fine until around 17, what happened at that point that caused a change?
Again, I know it may be a long story, but there seems to be a lot of info missing. For example, you said he cannot work, just having had a colectomy is *generally* not a reason to not be able to work at all. Is he on disability?

Depending on the extent of his inability to cooperate, you may be able to have him declared mentally incompetent and then he could be compelled to enter treatment. This is extreme, however, and probably not necessary but I don't have enough info on him/your situation to speculate.

At the very least, you should probably be open to getting him on some medication for depression/anxiety or whatever else he needs. Sometimes the brain cannot function without a little help. Denying someone the ability to be as happy/normal/healthy/whatever as they can be because you don't like "chemicals" is a serious mistake in my opinion.
Posted 8/28/2014 7:15 PM (GMT 0)
Laurenne,

Thanks for that reply. The boy is definitely not mentally handicapped. He was in the top 1% of the nations high school academics and was accepted to Yale, Fordham University, Baylor University, UCSD, Case Western and other state schools we applied to and visited. But after attending for about a year and a half at the school decided on he just dropped out to our chagrin and disappointment. All on our nickel, even his housing, food and so forth.

He tells us it's the frequent bathroom visits and sore ass and stuff. But my belief is that we have made life too easy for him. He has never did any normal work outside of academics. I believe there is something he can work at despite his physical ailment. But, he resists that idea completely.

Since we find it financially emotionally draining to continue to give him everything he wants we had him apply for SSI to help out. He now receives that. But, that is just making him, I believe, even lazier.

We haven't ruled out the depressive drugs completely but after witnessing several individuals we know being destroyed by those we are naturally hesitant.

Tough love seems to make things as it is tougher.

He tells us that there is no suicide ideas. His habits are such that I believe he is just lazy and uncooperative in an anti-authoritive way. By the way, he challenged many of his college professors as being stupid and such. At 17 he started that is High School and that attitude still persists despite anything I say or do about it.

Having him declared mentally incompetent and compelled to enter psycho treatment has been considered but that is so extreme and damaging to everyone that we just haven't come to that point yet.

He has challenged my authority as his parent and told me to shut up or he'll beat me up. He says that if I get close to him its like a threat and he will mess me up. I have told him that I can have authorities take him away for that kind of attitude but he thinks that he is right and I am wrong. After all, he is an adult.

Yes, its getting mental now with the possibility of physical instigation by him. He states that he is justified. Ridiculous I know, but just the same this has prompted me to tell him to move out or respect us better.

We are looking for a place for him to move to and he has apparently, for now, has agreed.

He spends a lot of time online so I believe he is getting wrong advice or inspiration from the wrong places. If I attempt to go in his room to talk or investigate his activities he will through a temper tantrum citing invasion of privacy and stuff.

I want him to start living the life he should be and stop taking advantage of our sensibilities and provisions. I think there is a possible move in that direction recently by his agreement to move out. But, time will tell.

More later, maybe. But thanks for the input.
Posted 8/28/2014 7:38 PM (GMT 0)
I strongly encourage you to start counseling along with your husband so YOU can adjust to the changes that need to be made to help your son.

He is an adult. You should not enter his room to look at his stuff.

He is an adult. He should be paying you rent.

He is an adult. You should not be cooking for him, cleaning for him, buying him gas, paying for his car, providing his auto insurance, cleaning his clothes, etc. etc.

He has one more year on your health insurance (although I guess on SSI he gets medicaid?).

This is a lot of change that needs to happen and you are the one who will need to change, probably more than him. Yes it will be really hard for you. That's why I think counseling is long overdue. You need to figure out how to manage these changes and what coping skills you need to get through this.
Posted 8/31/2014 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
it sounds like he lazy and useing his stomach problems as an excuse to be lazy. a "sore ass" shouldnt prevent him from working it might be a challenge but thats no reason to just give up. him saying he's gonna beat you up is completly off tract and down right wrong. he needs to take resopnsibility for his own health and be on his own to learn who he is as a person. it sounds like he's a smart person but has fell off the right path and needs to be aware of it to fix it and try to straighten up his life. i think a job would do him good and maybe teach him you cant treat people disrepectfully or you wont get anywere in life. good luck and hopefully his eyes are opened
Posted 8/31/2014 7:19 PM (GMT 0)
Your son sounds mentally ill more than anything else. Threatening to beat you up and 'mess you up' goes beyond the bounds of acceptability.

But first I would like to address his colectomy. Unless something has gone wrong that has never been addressed, your son should not be in pain or going to the bathroom a million times a day. There are loads of people who've had their colons removed - you can find the majority of them on the Ostomy board. It may be worth posting on there to get feedback about your son's physical issues. Sometimes a surgical revision can help with a poorly functioning ileo-anal pouch. (Not entirely sure what plumbing your son has, but it's clearly internal.)

However, I suspect it's more of a mental issue than a physical one. Not having a colon mildly sucks. I don't have mine anymore and I wish I did, but not having one isn't a disability. The boy clearly has serious anger issues, which he seems to be blaming on his physical "disability" and his parents. Deep down he probably feels like a failure, but rather than admit that to anyone (including maybe even himself), he takes a snotty, superior attitude instead.

Bit of a long shot, but any possibility he could be on the autistic spectrum? He might just be lazy and depressed, but his meltdowns do sound rather extreme.

Anyway, I think it would do all of you a lot of good if your son moves out of home. And don't for god's sake let him come home for visits only to dump a whole load of washing with you.
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