heartbroken and feel lost _ please help

Hi everyone. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. My long distance boyfriend of six months has a very bad case of CD. He told me after three months and he wanted to break up as he is in shock and trying to deal with it. I had to support him and I agreed even though I was so upset. But when we said goodbye he was very upset, told me he had never been with someone he clicked with so well and he was heartbroken. We talked the next day and he said he realised what he felt losing me when we split so we agreed to try again and I informed myself about CD and let him know that I was fully supportive.

Fast forward again and he had a flare. He broke up with me but this time for good. He said he has to focus on getting better which I understand and that he can't manage a serious relationship . I was so upset . We aren't in contact now but I miss and care about him so much. Its only bn 3 days . I guess what I'm asking is, what can I do. I feel so heartbroken that I have lost this man and its out of my control. I was willing to support him in everyday but it wasn't enough I guess. So hard to accept that he cut me out of his life , with no feeling and il never see him again . I feel so guilty as I know he is sick but could I have done more. I can't text again as il just look desperate. I just miss him and cant believe he lost all feelings for me. he was so clinical ending it with me too.

Post Edited (Anna25) : 9/4/2014 8:50:55 AM (GMT-6)

Hi Anna,
I'm so sorry that your heart is broken. I don't know how old you are, but at any age it is very difficult to end a relationship. I also don't know if your boyfriend is newly diagnosed, but I can tell you that it really takes a lot of energy to fight this disease, and he probably cares about you and doesn't want to put you through the heartache of being in a relationship with someone with IBD. My best suggestion is that you let him know that when he is stabilized if he changes his mind, you may be willing to consider getting back together. In the meantime, you really need to go on with your life and take care of you. Three days is really early, but if you have trouble moving forward, then counseling for you may help. Your boyfriend may just not be able to take on a long distance relationship with all he has to deal with, and if you care about him, you need to respect that. Good luck with everything.

Anna,
I was 26 (and just married!) when I was diagnosed. The following 1.5 years were a blur of never ending sickness and new treatment plans and being terrified the entire time. I had to let go of my life-long dream of being a peace corps volunteer, and that gutted me. Everything revolved around my disease, my symptoms, my medications as I tried to adjust to a new normal.

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. But your boyfriend is an adult, and is going to have to figure this out on his own. Your responsibility now is taking care of yourself- rest, exercise, eating lots of green leafy vegetables, endless cups of tea, kitten snuggles, or whatever that looks like for you. I think it's okay to let your boyfriend know that if he wants to talk or needs a friend you're willing to be there, but please think about yourself, and if you're ready to move to another type of relationship with him before offering that support.

Three days isn't very long at all. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself time to heal.

I'm so sorry for your situation. It's sad that he's wanting to tackle this alone, it's much better with support from a loved one. There isn't much you can do if he continues to push you away. Especially being long distance, that comes with it's own struggles alone.

But I'd suggest he come to places like this. It really does help to talk with people who are walking IN his shoes. I'd let him know that you are still here for him, but I'd give him the space he seems to need right now. Hopefully he will come around. It's hard to digest (no pun intended) getting a disease like this, and can take some time getting used to. Especially when you've been feeling well and it knocks you down again. Hopefully some time is all he needs. Good luck.

I dunno, I'm not as inclined to give this guy a totally free pass. Think he messed you about, in all honesty. Yeah, Crohn's is miserable, I get it. Life itself is pretty miserable as well at times. That doesn't give people with the condition a free license to behave badly.

So stop feeling guilty; move on. Crohn's or no Crohn's, somebody who messes others around like this isn't worth it. Unlike the boyfriend, you seem to have a good heart.

Edit: sorry if I was too crabby... :-/ And now, I really must be off to bed... :-/

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 9/4/2014 7:43:44 PM (GMT-6)

Oops, should've checked for new replies before editing >.>

Yeah, it was that last cold goodbye which made me suspicious of your boyfriend's motives. I could be being too cynical. Either way though, though, I reckon you're better off moving on and NOT waiting around for your boyfriend to change his mind. Have gotta go, so I'm afraid this reply isn't as detailed as I'd like. Take care of yourself; the pain will pass.

His feelings for you haven't changed; his situation has. Everybody handles this disease differently. Some draw people in, some push people away. I was much more in the "push people away" camp for about the first 10 years I had this. I never told anyone I had Crohn's, I hid symptoms and medication, etc. Why push people away? Lots of reasons - embarrassment, fear other people are going to abandon you so you abandon them first, fear of disappointing other people because you can't go out and have fun, or just a general sense of depression.

Now I'm more open about things and it's certainly a better way to be. Why the change? Probably meeting my wife and her impact on me. Also as you get older you care less about what people think. I wore sandals with socks the other day.

Anyway, Anna, you have a right to feel hurt, confused, and upset. Eventually your boyfriend will learn that pushing people away when sick will make things worse, but he's not there yet. Sounds like he's still grappling with his diagnosis. You sound like a wonderful, caring person. Let him know you're there for him if he changes his mind and wants support, and point him to this site if you can. It will help him to interact with other people undergoing the same thing.

I'm sorry for your misery. It sounds like you really fell for this guy. Texting was a cold way to do the deed. I've never understood texting and why people seem to love it so, but that's another story.

If you've only known him for six months, and that at long distance, this may be a part of his personality that is just now coming out for you to see. Chronic illness, as terrible as it may be, doesn't make us saints; nor should we get a free pass to hurt others. I want to say that you should be angry as well as hurt about what he did, because I think you may feel it's wrong on your part to feel that way because he's so sick. I know I'm a pain to live with and I can snap at my loved ones, but I'm still held responsible for my actions. I have a pretty forgiving family, but that doesn't excuse me for bad behavior, at least not all the time.

I don't know if he considers his actions selfless and that he thinks he's saving you from a life of heartache or if he's using his illness as an excuse to move on, but either way, you have to decide for yourself what YOUR course of action is. Will you move on yourself, or will you wait and hope he changes his mind? How many times will you be willing, if he changes his mind, to let him potentially hurt you again? Only you can answer that.

He's asked for his space. You need to give yourself space and time to heal from your heartbreak. I think you deserve better treatment and I hope you get it. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh as I don't mean for it to be. -Joy

I can understand whr ur boyfriend is coming from...my 20-yr daughter is diagnosed with crohns 2 yrs back... And not yet into remission... Due to which she has cut out from boys completely...she is so afraid that of getting emotionally involved in a person who may not be thr for her thru her ups n downs...she feels he might just get sick of her sickness and leave.... She is a bright student and now just concentrating on her grades...locking herself out from the social world other than a coffee chat...I guess ur bf may be just wanting you to move on and re think ur options b4 any commitments.... Living with crohns is tough...and I m yet to succeed in convincing my daughter that thr may be some1 out thr for you...