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Depressed scared for future and about taking health for granted

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Crohn's Disease
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Posted 1/5/2015 5:34 PM (GMT 0)
Well it's me...I'm so confused these days....All i think about is my desiese.I'm in remmission right now but the Chron's haunts me.I'm afraid of my future.People here write that they've had Chron's for over 20 years but their problems are not so severe.I'm on Humira it's saving my life for now,i've has 5 perianal fistules,fissures,abscesess and syrgeries.I'm afraid of those problems coming up again one day.I'm scared because nothing is sure.I'm scared not to become unable to control my butt anymore...I'm depressed.I feel sad and useless all the time.Lately i feel like crap and all i do is sleep and take meds.I grew a little witch is a big step for me.But as i became taller i appeared more skinnier.When i take a deep breath my ribs just pop out like a skeleton's.When i'm at school people tease me."Don't come with us this is for "grown ups".Your too small to be here.Who asked the shorty one." etc. .......Whenever i see a classmate all i think about is their curves their healthiness their ignorance their chron's free life full with a happy bright future!I'm often quet,a wierdo among others.All i'm good at is being nice and english.Everything i try to do people don't take it seriosly.I'm like the little freak being there to make others feel better of themselves.Yesterday a classmate came to me and said " Wow and i thought i was short,thanks for proving me wrong" and another one was like "Don't get offended but you are ugly skinny" .Even adults ! I was in the bookstore and the lady was like " Here is our book and don't forget to eat more" .Yeah that will help me........When i try to tell people how i feel they just tell me to deal with it and to don't care.Like that's so easy to do.A boy in my class was complining that only he spend the holidays in the hospital cuz he was sick and now he's good.He said it was awfull.Yes i agree.But i don't have a brake...Remmision is it a brake?Kind of....But i will carry this my whole life.....When i try to talk to my parents they say"Oh don't remind us don't talk about that it's bad just don't please! " Yes....I will go away one day when i grow up and still live with it and they won't have to take care of me.People take health for granted.Happy New Year many hapiness,friends,health and the most important thing LOVE .I saw that on fb.I just wish i could be sure in a bright future free from sygeries and suffering.Free from butt pain and hospital stays.I guess i'm selfish in one way.Because i know there are Chron's peeps here who have seen worse.But still i have nothing that makes me happy anymore.I haven't laughed in a while.When i laugh at something i fake it because it doesn't really make me laugh and my laugh is different.I don't remember my old laugh anymore.I don't have a vibe to move me farther.And i guess i'm writing now because you are my last hope for insparation in living now.Sorry for the long post if i could post a pic i would post a pic of a potato at the end for all the 9gaggers who understand the joke. eyes eyes eyes
Posted 1/5/2015 9:57 PM (GMT 0)
God bless and good luck Texikka.  I think we've all been in that state at some point in our disease...sometimes repeatedly.  That's the killer with this condition, it's not just physically damaging, but psychologically as well.  But, the best time to face it, is when you're in remission...when you aren't always worn down by pain and embarrassment, and the other unintentional baggage it seems to encourage.  Yeah, it's a real bugger...constantly having to wonder if this or that food (while out with friends) will have you running.  Can I have a beer or two socially without feeling ill.  When will my symptoms return (this is one I constantly get on myself to stop worrying about on the rare occasion I'm not symptomatic).  No matter the struggle to come if it comes at all, you've got support...so take back your life.  It's easy to say, but it's taken decades for me to learn (Don't use me as a baseline, I'm not the quickest at life lessons at times)... I am not my disease, it may influence how I live my life, but it is still my life.  Keep strong, keep fighting, and take care of yourself.
Posted 1/6/2015 2:14 PM (GMT 0)
I feel for you, texikka. This is all so hard, and it's made even more cruel because it affects so many of us when we are young. I was 10 years old when I first started showing symptoms, and when I stopped growing. I did eventually grow (and grow rapidly) when I had been in remission for over a year. I agree with BRelaxed, you should try and see a therapist or counselor and have some talk therapy. I think it will help you a lot, especially since your parents don't seem too receptive to talking. You are so brave for going through what you are going through.
Posted 1/6/2015 4:58 PM (GMT 0)
thank you all for the support you give me.I really feel better after knowning that someone helps me go through it :) .I can't see a therapist right now.My parents don't have money at the moment and i don't want to trouble them.I won't take meds for the the things that i think because i know i can overcome it myself.BRelaxed wow you sound like me after midnight too! I too lay on the floor deeply in thoughts and trying to talk to myself to feel better :D .I feel you too and wish you best of luck and health I WISH THAT TO EVERYONE :) :) :) Thank you for listening and giving advice.This means the world for me :)
Posted 1/6/2015 9:40 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry. I think others have already offered you supportive words to help you, and I don't know if I have any more to offer. I wish I did. People are such jerks and you should have the right to tell them so, to say "That's rude, you are a child" to people like that woman at the book store.
Posted 1/7/2015 1:53 AM (GMT 0)
Oh, I'm so sorry you are feeling down. I don't have crohns, but my son does...and he is the smallest kid in his grade. Sometimes people make comments to him and it gets him kind of down but I tell them he has so much more to offer, it's not how tall you are that makes you a great person. You can excel in so many things...

Try to concentrate on the things that give you enjoyment. Reading? Art? Writing? Whatever it is that makes you happy. You are probably good at it, and that matters. Can you talk to your school guidance counselor? Perhaps that would help. If you feel like your parents don't listen, perhaps you can write then a note, once they read it, maybe they will understand a little better.

Good luck.
Posted 1/7/2015 2:17 AM (GMT 0)
Can I just say that you absolutely amaze me? To be dealing with this so young is just so hard. I don't know if I could have handled it being in school and young. You seem to be a lovely, intelligent young person with so much to offer. I wish I could do more to lift your spirits.
I agree ppl can be such idiots. On my first significant flare of which I was diagnosed with crohns 12 years in I lost about 35 lbs. in that year I had ppl complimenting me all the time on my weight loss and if I had to have Crohns at least something good could come of it. Ok..are you freaking kidding me? I lost weight because I pooped 20 times a day, I wasn't absorbing food and was living on carnation instant breakfast because it as the only thing I could eat without throwing up. Oh and by the way ended up with a fun case of anemia for my trouble! I would have given anything to not be sick and have to struggle with weight loss like a normal person. If you don't have it, you don't get it.
Come her and vent and type as lng a post as you would like. We are happy to read and offer what support we can.
Posted 1/13/2015 8:24 PM (GMT 0)
It certainly isn't easy, and I commend you for fighting like you are. You just have to try your best to keep positive. Try to find things to enjoy, to get your mind off of whats going on. No matter what people think, you always have places like this to come to to vent and/or talk about things. Best of luck :)
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