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Just had Op and boyfriend hasn't coped.

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Crohn's Disease
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Posted 8/27/2007 4:54 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

I just had a resection (part of colon removed) for my crohns, a little under 4 weeks ago and I am starting to feel better but my boyfriend has unfortunately not coped with it at all.

He came to the hospital to visit everyday for the first few days but didn't really say much, and almost fainted on the first day. After he went back to work he would come every night and stay with me but one night while i was still on the morphine pump he lost it and swore at me, told me to **** off, and then blamed it on me and said it was my fault. When i got home from the hospital we had a fight as I felt he wasn't really looking after me ... he left dirty dishes everywhere and went to bed on the night before my first day at home by myself. I didn't feel well enough to clean up all the mess and he hadn't made the bed so I was really uncomfortable and couldn't sleep. I had organised for someone to come and clean the house so he didn't have much work to do.. and was upset that he couldn't do the bare minimum. He then said he wanted to break up. Afterwards he said he couldn't cope with me being sick and felt like my nurse. I am really hurt as we have been together 5 years and own a house together and i feel this is the one time I have really needed him to look after me. The day I came home from hospital he hurt his knee (tore a ligament) playing soccer and was complaining that he was worse off than me and i ended up having to look after him.

I am so angry at him now I can barely contain myself. I feel like having a go at him all the time and am wondering if I should just leave. I don't even know how to cope with all this at once.

Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out! Anyone have any similar problems or a male perspective?

Thanks.

 

Posted 8/27/2007 7:54 AM (GMT 0)
hey griffo, sounds like your in britain maybe? cant really say whats got into the bloke. could be he is scared that something may happen to you and is putting on a show to insulate himself. how have things been before this surgery? was he supportive when you have been sick? did he EVER help around the house? some men are just not raised that way. certainly not making excuses for his behavior, but if he never did anything before, i would not expect him to now. we men have to be trained young! if my wife was coming home from the hospital i certainly would not go out to play soccer! why should you move? if he has a problem , kick his butt to the curb! good luck and heal fast
Posted 8/27/2007 10:38 AM (GMT 0)
Hi griffo,
I was in the same boat as you. but I was married. My ex-wife could not handle that I had Crohn's and
had surgery. I have been divored for 15 years. It was the best thing for me. If you boyfriend is being
that way to you kick him out of the house. You could do much better.
teddybear
Posted 8/27/2007 10:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Griffo Sorry your man is not being helpful right now I know that surgery takes alot out of us and that we worry about housework and stuff getting done. I just did a little kitchen work when I came home from the hospital it was rough but if I got the dishes done and the floor swept that was my limit for many days. It is not worth getting yourself upset over you need rest now and just try to enjoy being home your strength will return .Sometimes a person can get discouraged at others not helping but perhaps there are other things he will do for you like going to store or picking up perscriptions. Have you been ill long before your op.?Give things a little time and hope you are feeling better.It does put some worry in others when we are sick and two people have to work there way threw things .lol gail
Posted 8/27/2007 11:02 AM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry that you've had to go through all of this, especially after having surgery. My heart goes out to you. Having Crohn's and surgery is stressful enough, and you need to be surrounded by supportive people, not someone who tells you that it's all your fault and isn't willing to do some simple tasks to help you, like cleaning the dishes or making the bed. I'm sorry to say this, but he sounds selfish and immature. If this is an indication of the kind of husband he would be, I would say, "No, thanks."
Posted 8/27/2007 11:37 AM (GMT 0)
Giffo,
So sorry to hear things are going this poorly for you right after a surgery. Please know that we are all here for you, I know that isn't the same as having a loved one there for you but at least you can talk to us and we won't tell you **** off. I have to agree with what others have said about taking care of yourself right now. You know what if the bed isn't made or the dishes aren't done they are not going anywhere they will still be there when you feel like doing them. I know that kind of stuff drives me crazy but maybe if you let go of them and know you just can't worry about it right now he will see on his own that you really are recuperating from surgery and it is a little bit worse than a torn ligament. DO NOT TAKE CARE OF HIM RIGHT NOW!
If you do it will be expected for the rest of your life and in a manner he is saying he is more important than you are. Which is not true! I know it's hard but since you have been together 5 years you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with no blame placing and try to find out what is really going on. Sometimes anger comes out to cover up fear and men are very good at that. Maybe it just really scared him to see you like that in the hospital. We can get pretty dopey from the drugs and we usually are at our best looking and that can scare people. My six year old granddaughter asked her mom if I was going to die during one of my hospital stays. So I say talk to him try to get at the root of the problem, forget about the who did what and stick to how it makes you feel. If he really can't cope than better to find out now before your married. There are some great guys out there who are willing to stick by your side no matter what, if he is not one of them then that is his loss. Wishing you the best!
Posted 8/27/2007 1:20 PM (GMT 0)
My husband would never treat me like this (we've been married 31 years). When I'm sick, he's taking care of me, and vice-versa. That's what love is about. It's not about "love" when everything is going my way. He sounds extremely immature, and frankly, you don't have the time and energy to raise him to be a man. Don't expect him to change for the better either.

It may be complicated since you co-own your house, but you deserve to be treated better than that. Take care of yourself.
Posted 8/27/2007 1:45 PM (GMT 0)
Wow I am so sorry you are having to go thru this. I have had the acl/mcl/pcl (3 of the knee ligiment replacement) surgery and while it does incapsitate you, not nearly as much as having ab surgery. The knee you can get off of. The abs are just used all the time. Any man who yells at you while you are in a hospital bed, you have to think has some psychiatric issues. Seriously unless he was trying to coach you out (obviously not understanding the gravity of the situation) this is a cut bait situation. Any doctor will tell you that a bowel resection is more painful then having a knee reconstruction done. Because it is your core that we are dealing with.
However not knowing what exactly is going on I would suggest talking to a therapist and a lawyer.
Obviously the in sickness and in health is not something that he can fufill...
Posted 8/27/2007 7:12 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry you don't have a good support system. You should be concentrating on getting better, not babying someone else. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have support from my husband. I went into a flare 8 months after we met and have been ever since. He gets depressed sometimes because our lives are all about surgeries and disease for the most part but he never acts out and he always takes care of me.

You cannot help that you are sick. Your boyfriend sounds narcisstic. Does he have a problem when other people are getting attention and he's not? Is this the 1st problem you have ever had? It is possible to find a nice, supportive guy. I personally would not be able to deal with that type of abusive behavior. That's what it is IMO.

You deserve better and you need to focus on you right now. Say goodbye. It may be hard but it sounds like it's the best thing for you. sad

Best to you,

Ginger

Posted 8/27/2007 7:52 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry he is treating you so badly, I guess this was the "Acid Test" and looks like he failed it................misserably.
Take care of yourself, and feel better soon.
Posted 8/27/2007 8:18 PM (GMT 0)
That is terrible. I do agree he may be immature. When I was first diagnosed I told my hubby I was worried it might strain us and he said he is not going anywhere and we will do what it takes to take care of me. he sometimes looks a little upset when the Dr bills come in but he is very supportive. With the co-ownership of the house it does become tricky. I agree that you probably should talk to a lawyer and of course a therapist is also a good idea too. I am not sure if you plan to stay with him or not but you might want to drag him to a therapist too. he definitely does not know how to handle a sick person. You never know he may just be so scared of losing you and is reacting the opposite way that he should. I am not saying his behavior is OK though. Good luck!! Karen
Posted 8/27/2007 8:43 PM (GMT 0)
I don't suggest you move out.  First of all, you're in no condition to be packing or lifting.  Second, it could complicate the legal situation if you split up and need to work out who gets the house.

Is there any way you could have a friend, family member, or cleaning service come in and help out for a while?  Insist that he pay for at least half of it.  You're not the maid- it's his home too, and he should be responsible for keeping it clean as well.  Some times the things that infuriate us the most aren't the real problems.  Once the frustration of a dirty kitchen and unmade beds are out of the way you'll be better able to deal with what's really going on in the relationship.  As others have said, some people just don't handle illness well.  I'm sorry that you've be put in such a tough spot.

Posted 8/27/2007 8:58 PM (GMT 0)
Well telling her that whilst recoverying from Surgery proves this guy doesn't have much compassion. You see all sorts of behaviour if you are on a hospital ward long enough, I recall on one of my stays with a twisted bowel a girl in the bed opposite's partner came to visit her, she was having Gall bladder problems, they had a child of 3 and a baby about 4 months old, the guy only had one arm, they were rowing about something and she was sitting on the edge of the bed and kicked out at him, got him right in the Gonads whilst he was holding the baby, he was doubled over in agony.

My surgeon told me one day after a mental health patient had run amoke one night that hospitals are great levelers. I personally don't like to be leveled to that degree.
Tess.
Posted 8/27/2007 9:11 PM (GMT 0)
No don't not move unless you are in danger.
Posted 8/27/2007 9:45 PM (GMT 0)
I agree you shouldn't move out! And get a lawayer. He said he wants to break up-tell him he can go if that's the way he wants it.
Posted 8/27/2007 11:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone for all your posts and advice, it helps a lot!!
I think I just need to get a bit stronger and better over the nxt few weeks so I can make the right decision.
Thanks again !!!
Posted 8/28/2007 12:08 AM (GMT 0)
It's times of struggle when you really see the TRUE character in people and he just gave you a look at the real him. If he cant handle this then how can you count on him later for other things. Let him leave if you leave it will be like you are abandoning the home dont fall for this trick.

get well and kick ***,sm
Posted 8/28/2007 1:09 AM (GMT 0)

I am so sorry you have to go through this, but I have a story for you.

My boyfriend and I havn't been together long, but in the past year I have been hospitalized twice. The first time I was hospitalized he freaked out. He came to visit me once or twice and that was all. During that same time I lost my job (due to being sick a lot) and I joked around with him saying that he couldn't break up with me b.c I had no job and I still was sick. He started to act really weird, like not being so close to me, picking fights, and making plans without me. One Sunday we had this looong talk and he told me how he didn't want to be with someone who was sick, he didn't want to marry me, he didn't see a future and all this stuff. He didn't come out and say it, but he essentially wanted to break up with me. So I did what he wanted. I broke up with him. I packed up all my stuff and went home. It was hard and I was crying a lot.

The next day was really hard, and I had a job interview, it was the hottest day here in D.C and I was just crying and thinking about him all the time. I wanted to call and talk to him so bad, but I didn't. I was however talking to a mutual friend who was talking to both of us and she mentioned how upset he was and how all he wanted to do was come over with flowers and apologize. I finished work that day, went to my job interview and then called my ex. He came over and we had this LOOOOOOONG talk again and decided to start again.

Fast forward nearly 3 months laster, I was in hospital in July for 10 days. My boyfrined was AMAZING this time. He came everyday, brought me flowers, teddy bear, jello, panties (I always forget those) and anything else I wanted. Since then we have been really well. He also had the opportunity to talk to my dr.'s and he had a better understanding about my cd.

I think that before he was scared. Men communicate differently than women. When they are afraid they dont confide in someone they go to their little caves and dwell until they feel better. I think it is described as rubberbands, you have to let them stretch far away and then they will come back. Granted this isn't the case for everyone, some men are just pondscum. I shouldn't generalize, some people are pond scum.

First of all you need to get yourself better, this added stress is not going to help you. Then, when you can you need to talk with him and figure out what you both want to do.

Just be strong and know that a fabulous guy is out there for your :)

Posted 8/28/2007 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
Some guys are weird about this stuff, for sure. I myself would never act that way to a girl, because i have been thru all the pain and stress of a surgery and hospitalization. If i were you, I would take a long hard look back on the relationship and think about how he has treated you over the long haul and then make your move. Like the posters did above, maybe he just needs to adjust to the change. however, i must admit, it does not sound good.

think about it, write down some pros and cons and talk it over with close friends, the kind who aren't just going to automatically agree with you or blindly defend him, the kind of friend who will listen. Probably just having someone listen will help you sort out your own thoughts.

Good luck. and wow am i glad i didn't buy a house with my ex....then she would have gotten some more of my money!
Posted 8/29/2007 11:24 AM (GMT 0)
Hi again how are things going? Hope your doing better.lol gail
Posted 8/29/2007 12:15 PM (GMT 0)
I was in somewhat of a similar situation.  I am a man, married in August '05, I had an intestinal re-section in April of this year.  We both work in NYC, no kids yet, and my wife was going through a lot of stress at work at the time.  

She didn't react well at all to the surgery - it was not done on an emergency basis but it all happened really quickly.  She was really busy at the the time and came to see me every night at the hospital but I think really couldn't cope with it that well and was in angry mood when I first came out.  (I think part of it was guilt that she couldn't spend more time with me, cook, etc. and also I don't think she knew how to handle something so serious.0

After I got out she really wanted a vacation, so a couple of weeks after I was home,. she went to Florida on her own to visit friends for a few days.  We took a vacation together a couple of months later.

Surgey was succesful for me (so far - knock wood) and things have gotten back to normal.

Your bf sound angrier than my wife ever was and only you know whether you should try to work this out or not - but if thing were OK with you guys before the surgery - maybe give things a little time and see if things get back to normal - and then maybe have a long talk.  He probably was more afraid than he wanted to admit and didn't know how to cope.  If he can't cope over the long haul, maybe things aren't meant to me, but if he is willing to try to adjust to things over time, it may be worth some time to explore.    

Posted 9/1/2007 1:20 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

Just wanted to say thanks again for all your posts ..they are really helpful and supportive!
I started back at work on wednesday and have been really tired but getting better and glad the weekend is here to rest ! I am trying not to think too hard about it all until I am really feeling better but he has agreed to go to a relationship cousellor which I have made an appointment for next week. Hopefully I can get to the real problems with him and find out what is really going on with him, so we can either sort out the problems or I can move on. I know he is not good with his emotions, he struggles to understand why he feels like he does a lot of the time i think, and can't express himself very well. I live in Australia and he moved from Italy so we could be together so I feel like I really need to make sure this is not the guy for me if we break up. He gave up everything to come here so we could be together so its not an easy decision !! Thanks again and its good to be at work and in the real world, not lying on the couch watching TV all day!!
Posted 9/1/2007 7:18 AM (GMT 0)
thats good that your trying to figure it out.. good luck
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