"feeling sorry for ourselves?"

There are a hundred things I "can't be like." There are a hundred things I can be. If I spend time and energy lamenting the can't be's, I never get around to the cans.

Hi I know it is hard to give up things in life and we all have contributed to the giving up but we really do need to establish a relationship with ourselves that is postive.I think of the things I can do and am getting better at letting go of things I cain't .Sometimes I have to wait to get things done and even that was frustrating for me but now I ride a slower train and when I get to the station depends on me not pushing the train but letting it arrive on it's own. lol gail

I think you are lamenting about a life maybe you once had, or one you would like. I know I wish I could have the old me
back. I don't know if it's feeling sorry for yourself, or just a little bit of wishful thinking. I really don't think it hurts to feel
like this sometimes, remember we are only human after all. Like your name sake keep on keeping the faith LOL.

Does your shrink specialize in people with chronic illnesses?

It sounds like you need help and support to move you through the greiving process to a place of acceptance. There is nothing wrong with being sad and grieving your lost potentialities as long as it is part of a dynamic process. It sounds like you are stuck in grief and that is troubling. You use the word sad, but isn't sadness just anger turned inward? Have you ever explored the concept of positive psychology. It proposes to focus on the positives in a person's life rather than the negatives. In other words the energy in counselling is expended on strenghening the positives, not reinforcing the negatives by going over and over what's wrong. I think it is important to embrace your feelings and if you are feeling sad, that's ok. It's how you choose to deal with that sadness that you do have control over. You need someone who can help you find different choices for coping. For a start, can i suggest that you consider this: isn't it possible that less than is good enough?

I think it is important to own and experience my feelings. But it isn't always easy to recognize them for what they are. For a long time I suppressed the fear and anxiety I had about losing control of my life. A fear that if I gave in an inch the disease would consume me, take over my life. I didn't know I was doing that. I thought I was handling this chronic illness thing really well. Strong, productive, always there to help my family and friends. I had all the things it would appear that you are longing for. What I didn't have was an authentic relationship with myself. It was based on a lie. I couldn't acknowledge that I was sick. I knew I had crohn's, but I convinced myself that I just didn't have it bad like other people. All the while suffering through dozens of obstructions at home, hiding their severity from everyone because if Anyone had every seen what I went through there would be no hiding from the truth.

And so I managed for 20 years with only a couple of serious health crises along the way. Around the time that I was heading for my last resection I finally started to realize that the pressure I was placing on myself to not give in to being sick was affecting the course of my disease and not in a good way. That's when I got really scared because my thinking about this disease had become so distorted i didn't trust myself anymore. I was like someone with an eating disorder, no matter how much evidence there was to the contrary I couldn't accept that I was sick, at least not emotionally. I began to fear that if I didn't change my approach to this disease, one day it was going to kill me.

Luckily I had access to a health psychologist who has spent the last 15 years working with crohn's patients. It has taken a lot of work but I have finally invited crohn's disease into my life and can acknowledge its impact on me. I have had to say good-bye to a career I loved and was very good at. I have had to accept the label disabled with all the economic, social and emotional implications that brings.

I experienced tremendous anger and grief and fear during the process that has brought me to this point. But throughout all of this emotional rollercoaster, I always felt I was moving through grief, never stuck in it. There were times when I was depressed, but I guess I was never in a depression. And it has been worth it. I am finally at peace with myself. I can acknowledge that I am ill with all the limitations that that entails. And it has been in that acceptance that I am now experiencing the first non-surgically induced remission in 30 years.

I hope you can find some peace too.

I think the grieving process is different for everyone......just when we think we are over it and are getting on with our life ....woops . something comes along and knocks us off our feet .....again! I think with chronic illness, the having to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and begin again is a non-stop process.....people who are healthy just don't get how weary that can get. I don't like how your therapist responded to you. No one wants to hear....from a professioanl no less, that " you are just feeling sorry for yourself". O.k. That might be the case for today.....she could've have said....."sounds like your feeling really frustrated with your health issues and the limitations they impose....or ....Do you think something might have triggered these feelings in you? How can you and I find a way to help you cope with all this?
I manage to keep a positive attitude ....most of the time. But, yes there are days when I happen to visit someone's home ....someone's beautiful home etc....and then come home to my little humble thing and think, "Boy , life sure isn't fair!!" It isn't. ! that's the kicker.When Christopher Reese's wife was diagnosed with lung cancer just 2 short years after losing her husband...someone asked her if she felt betrayed by life etc...after everything she'd gone thru with her husband. She responded that her mother had always told her ,
"life just isn;t fair! and you'd better get used to it....make the most of what good there is inyour life."
I don't know that I would have had her courage and positive outlook. I consider myself unlucky at times to have my health problems...but then I remind myself, that my children could have cancer....or I could lose one of them unexpectedly..etc etc. We are dirt poor, but my daughters are my pride and joy.
I remind them everyday that they were sent to this earth for a purpose....and that purpose includes these circumstances we are finding ourselves in....there is someone, someday that will need them to have gone thru exactly what life threw at them ...and they will be able to help.

Are you sad all the time? Do you still find some pleasure in little things....do you look forward to a favorite TV show...or can you still laugh at a joke? Are you able to get up in the morning? Are you sleeping?
Sometimes an anti-depressant for a short time can help us get our bearings again...not feel so overwhelmed with everything.
I think you should get another counsellor or therapist....maybe someone who deals with chronic illness.Are there chonic illness support groups in your area?

Anyway, dear one....I've rambled on....I don't know if I've made matters worse for you. The way to tell if you are truly depressed is if you are sad everyday to the point of not being to function.

I will keep you in my prayers....let us know how you are doing. There is a difference between "feeling sorry for yourself....and feeling overwhelmed with all that life is throwing your way.

Mary

I can honestly say that I used to sit here and feel sorry for myself. I didn't leave the house! I was in my late 20s, early 30s and life was passing me by. Over time I finally picked myself up (with the help of anti-depressants for a little while) and I'm back in the game.

It's funny that you mentioned Dancing with the Stars. I took dance and taught it as soon as I graduated from high school. It was a true passion. But I talked myself into believe that I couldn't do it anymore. Why? I felt crappy, I was out of shape, arthritis bothered me sometimes and I might have to go to the bathroom. Well, those were stupid reasons for me to stay home. I started back slowly - and oh Lord I was sore at first! But it was so great! My classes are only 1 hour to 45 mins at a time. There's a bathroom down the hall. (And I keep a can of air freshener in there - lol) And after working out, I felt better!

Slowly, I went from teaching 4 classes the first year and built up to teaching 16 this year! It's amazing! Now I won't say that I don't have days that I lay in bed and wished that I didn't have to get up. But I make myself. Just like I would talk myself out of going to church if I didn't commit to teaching Sunday School. It isn't always easy but I feel SO much better. I feel that I am not "poor" Ginger anymore but that other depend on me and I'm glad that I can get out and do things for others!

Of course this may not work for everyone but if I didn't push myself, I wouldn't be able to do what I am doing and I know me - I'd be in bed watching TV and whining to myself. I just won't let myself do that anymore.

You guys are great, thank you so much for all of your inspiring messages.  ALL OF THEM! Some very good questions to ask myself.   I'm trying to give my therapist the benefit of the doubt...I went to a Christian book store yesterday.  I was on a mission to do something, anything.  Well, my prayers were answered!  After 5 minutes in the store I found this book & just saw one paragraph & knew I had to have it.  It is called Facing Pain, Finding Hope by Daniel Hurley, MD.  Wow what a book, I can't put it down.  There's so much in it that I know we all can relate to, too much to even state in this thread.  With this book & all of your kind words has made my day very tolerable.  I hope at least one person will read this book & refer others to it, its amazing.   Thank you so very much each & everyone of you, you have touched my life in ways you don't even know.  God Bless

pb4....that is so true.
I have spent so many days in hospitals, and I have taken many walks through the childrens part of hospitals, I have to tell you, through all the pain and suffering I have done, I wouldn't want those childrens or their parents pain for anything.

It's ok to feel down, it is normal.....we all have pity parties for ourselves, that is nothing to be ashamed about..It even sometimes helps.

Everything happens for a reason, and yes, many of us have lost alot, I know I don't have the material things I had prior to all of this, when it comes to all that I have lost alot....But I have gained alot too, crohns disease and cancer has actually made me a better person.

MikeB said...
There are a hundred things I "can't be like." There are a hundred things I can be. If I spend time and energy lamenting the can't be's, I never get around to the cans.

that's why you are a veteran and i'm still regular....wisdom like that usually only comes from the those who have been through it.

i like that and might even have to use it as my myspace quote this week...

Well to add my 2 cents worth. It took me a very long time to come to the realization that I am not a victim of this disease. Yes my life is different than most folks, and I have to account for many things in my daily routine to help maintian this disease in asymptomatic remission. With that said, I also have to tell myself almost everyday that this disease does not define who I am, it is only a part of me. When I focus on the negatives of the disease my life accelerates in a downward spiral and I find myself miserable. When I find myself focusing on the the positives of life, I find things a little easier to face and know that I am much more than crohn's disease, I am only a person with a disease. It is differnent than some and sometimes more difficult to prevent it from affecting everyday activities, but the bottom line is still it is just a part of me. How much of me it is depends totally on how much I let it take over my life.

If I hate my crohn's disease than I hate a part of myself. I agree with Cheer Dad.

Dr's sometimes give us things to think about it doesn't mean we have to let things get to us but just to think it over a little maybe she doesn't realize the effect it had on you but I am sure that she meant to be helpful. So glad you have discovered a new book it is always great to read and sometimes we all like to decipher things it is part of how we work things out .Gotta love it lol gail