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OT: My father-in-law passed last night

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Posted 12/10/2007 3:46 PM (GMT 0)
Some of you knew I've been helping take care of my father-in-law who had terminal cancer and decided he wanted to die at home.  Well, he died last night, and while I'm so glad this is over.  I know that helping him throught this ordeal will help us deal with the next parts, dealing with the loss, helping his wife of 61 years go on without him.

Thankfully he was never in a lot of pain, but physical frailty made 24 hour care necessary for the past few months.  The family took turns being there, even when there was a nurse or caregiver.  It was the most tiring and difficult, and wonderful thing I've ever done. 

You read about families dealing with this, with the decisions that have to be made, but you really don't understand unless you've been through it.  He taught me a lot about dying.   He showed us how to mend fences that had been broken for many years, how to keep your dignity in the face of full bedside care, and taught this family how to overcome their differences to work together for the love of someone. 

I'm glad his (and our) ordeal is (almost) over, but it made me realize we all need to face this one day, and that I (we) have a lot of decisions to make now, while I (we) still can, that could potentially make my (our) loved ones lives a little easier when the time comes. 

Make your wishes known to those who will make the decisions.  Try to make the process of your dying a little easier for those who love you.   

 

Posted 12/10/2007 3:53 PM (GMT 0)
My sympathy to your family.
Posted 12/10/2007 4:17 PM (GMT 0)
Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family,
Posted 12/10/2007 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
Excellent Excellent advice Judy. May you begin the next chapter of your life with peace.
Posted 12/10/2007 4:37 PM (GMT 0)
my condolences to you and your family.

i have to go to a wake tonight for a 25 year old coworker who "died at home". we still don't know what happened yet.
Posted 12/10/2007 4:54 PM (GMT 0)
Judy:

I am very sorry about your loss of your father in law. I know exactly what you mean. My mother died last week. Our relationship over the past few months (years?) was not great. She had a different approach to dealing with medical problems (she called me doctor crazy, so that may help you understand what I mean) She was only in the hospital one week and they were making plans for her to come home as she never wanted to go to a nursing home. I planned to take care of her, hire companions etc. It never came to that though. We had a very good last few hours together and she even said "don't worry about anything, I'm happy" That helped to ease my guilt after finding out she had serious medical problems (even though I know I did everything I could to get her to take her health more seriously) Those last hours are what I will remember. I have thought of what it would have been like if we didn't have that opportunity.
Posted 12/10/2007 5:06 PM (GMT 0)
My heart goes out to you and your family with the loss of your father-in-law.  It sounds like he was a great man and taught many important things.  Thank you for sharing them with us!

Posted 12/10/2007 5:59 PM (GMT 0)
dustspeck- coming from a law enforcement perspective vague obituaries like "died at home" typically mean either drug overdose or suicide when referring to young people. I only tell you this because a lot of people are naturally curious and start to ask for more information. When they find out they wish they had known the "code words" and didn't ask. I could be completely off in this case but wanted to give you a heads up.
Posted 12/10/2007 6:04 PM (GMT 0)
my condolence to you and your family
Posted 12/10/2007 6:04 PM (GMT 0)
Judy my condolences to your entire family. My brother in law passed away at 36 in 1998 and I was there for him everyday and while he passed. What you said was absolutely right on, he really taught me not to be afraid and to remember to say all those things I want to say before its too late.

I pray peace for your whole family as you go thru the next few difficult days and weeks to come.

God Bless,
Gail *Nanners*
Posted 12/10/2007 6:08 PM (GMT 0)
Judy, I have nothing to add to the above posts. Just know that I'm thinking of you {{hugs}}
Posted 12/10/2007 6:11 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry about your loss
Posted 12/10/2007 6:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Judy sorry for your loss and your right about his wife needing support it can be very hard on the remaining spouse I helped my sister threw her loss and it was a hard one for her. ... Hope your husband is doing good and able to accept this in his life. Wishing you all the Best . lol gail
Posted 12/10/2007 6:29 PM (GMT 0)
So sorry Judy....

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thoughts are with you and your family.

:)
Posted 12/10/2007 6:29 PM (GMT 0)
Judy, my sincere condolences.  Your words of wisdom are priceless.  When my mom had a stroke and was not able to communicate, or move, or take care of any of her needs, we were advised that she should have a feeding tube.  We consented.  Upon her admission to a nursing home, the medical director asked me if she had a living will.  That was the first anyone ever asked this question.  I called her attorney, and sure enough, she had a living will.  In it, she had clearly stated she did not want a feeding tube under these circumstances.  That only added to how devastated we already felt.  It's better to speak with people you love about end of life issues well in advance.  Your father in law was truly blessed to be treated with such dignity during the end of his life. 
Posted 12/10/2007 7:33 PM (GMT 0)
Wow, thanks for sharing that powerful experience with us. Good thoughts to you and your family as you begin moving on with life.
Posted 12/10/2007 8:35 PM (GMT 0)
Judy,
Condolences to you and your family.
Tess
Posted 12/10/2007 10:02 PM (GMT 0)
Tess, condolence--he is in a better place. I think it is great that you are thinking about the future--VERY IMPT. I also respect the fact that you guys took initiative and actually took the time to help your father in law. Too often I see the wife or husband resent their in laws and just keep them in a nursing home till they pass cause they know it's going to be a lot of work and they don't want to deal with it--my ex husband included.

My mama made me her medical power of attorney when she was dying from stage IV breast cancer. She told me that if she was incapacitated and there was no hope to pull the plug. Unfortunately I was 27 and didn't know what a living will was. 3 years later when her brain swelled up and she became comatose and started the process of dying at a hospice facility, I told them to pull the iv and let her die in peace instead of leaving her on IV prolonging things for an additional 1-3 weeks which is what the doctor and nurse told me would happen--she was comatose for 3 weeks and her body started smelling like death but I had never experienced that so I thought she just needed more sponge baths. she died in 2-3 days. To this day her 5 siblings think I killed her because they never knew what her wishes were and I had no proof. I have no regrets of what I did, but it makes family gatherings VERY awkward since my cousins agree with what I did but their parents don't.
Posted 12/11/2007 12:04 AM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry to hear of your father-in-laws passing.Please know that you and your family is in my thoughts and prayer.
Posted 12/11/2007 1:02 AM (GMT 0)
I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted 12/11/2007 4:45 AM (GMT 0)
Judy, my condolences to you and your family. I do know what you mean about the times spent sharing and learning from someone dying. I have sat with my dad, mom, oldest son(he was 33) and mom in law. Each was different but each was a blessing that I wouldn't trade for anything. The griefing process began when you all started the whole process, I think mayby it helps the grieving some that way. It really is a relief when they pass and at the same time such a feeling of loss and sadness and "what do I do now?". Anyway, we are here for you, prayers are with you.

"remember, always take your rainbow with you" granna
Posted 12/11/2007 12:53 PM (GMT 0)
Sending hugs and sympathy to you and your famil
Posted 12/11/2007 1:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Judy I sorry for your lose. I am sending big hugs to you and your family.

teddybear
Posted 12/11/2007 1:42 PM (GMT 0)
You are all in my thoughts and prayers. May I have such kind and wise people to help me on my way when the time comes.
Posted 12/11/2007 6:26 PM (GMT 0)
Judy, I am so sorry for you and your family's loss. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

My husband and I moved in with my grandfather a couple months after my nana passed they were married 58 years and together for 60. It is hard watching him every day kissing every pic in the house, her mirror even had a pic of the 2 of them engraved in the headstone which he kisses 3 times each time he goes which is at least 3 times a day. It is hard but I think us being here makes it a little easier on him but it is so hard for us to watch what he goes through. We think he may have the beginings of alzheimer's too which is what my nana had, he does everything himself but gets a little scary like he forgot he had the flame on the stove with a pan on it with bacon grease in it...they never fried in anything but bacon grease...the house was full of smoke etc, it is scary.
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