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Husband cannot accept illness any suggestions...

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Crohn's Disease
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Posted 1/11/2008 9:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hello,

I don't really know who else to ask this question to but you all.  No one else has been through or understands what it is like to have a chronic illness unless you go through it day after day.  I have been struggling with this problem for about 4 years now since my crohns has been worse.  My husband does not want to have sex with me even when I feel like we can.  He says we never do because I am always sick (in pain) and when I want to he doesn't feel like it.  I know this is personal but we all talk about everything here.  Have you all ever had this problem?  He further goes on to say that all this stresses him out because I am not working right now and we are in debt etc.  I have been on leaves of absences off and on now for about 3-4 years.  If it isn't one excuse it seems to be another with him.  He isn't having an affair (I have already been through that with my 1st husband) none of the signs except this one are there.  Could it be just the disease is getting to him?  He says I never feel like doing anything.  He does all the housework, the laundry except the cooking.  I wish I had the energy to do the cleaning sometimes I do dust.  I am the one who helps the kids with everything which is a big chore in itself and take them to their games etc.  I don't even cook because I feel so tired I get take-out mostly or don't eat.  But off the subject, I feel even worse because my husband shows me little if no affection and no sex.  Any suggestions?  He does not want to go to counseling. I have tried that.  He says he loves me and does not want to leave me but I feel miserable enough with crohns and now I feel caught in a loveless marriage.  Help... 

Posted 1/11/2008 9:57 PM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry that you are hurting both physically and mentally. I really think he is afraid. You have alot going on healthwise, and as overwhelming as it is for us, it has to be really hard on him too. Since he won't go to counselling maybe you should try to go by yourself. I am concerned that your Crohns has been so out of control for so long. I see all the meds you are on and am surprised that your still in such bad shape. Has your GI doc talked about surgery for you at all? Sometimes when all else fails, thats the way to go. Sounds like your quality of life is miserable. And when I get to that point, it usually winds up I need surgery. I sure wish I could be of more comfort. My heart hurts for you. Just keep coming here and venting, thats what we are here for. And sure hope you get feeling better soon.

God Bless,
Gail *Nanners*

PS Hope Kitt will show up soon, I think she might be able to offer some support, since she is a caregiver herself and might be able to talk a little about being on the other side etc. Good luck!
Posted 1/11/2008 10:01 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry for what you both are going through...it's really too bad he's not open to the idea of counselling as that would likely help alot...

He sounds really stressed about everything and that makes it worse obviously, he's the one who'll have to put things into perspective (therapy/counselling would help this) I don't really know what to advise since it seems obviouse he needs to come to terms with it all.

I hope you guys can find the answer soon as I'm sure it's very uncomfortable living this way....You may need to really preasure him about marriage counselling or even go on your own so he can see how it can help you and help him as I'm sure a counsellor will give you some stratagies to work with at home.

:)
Posted 1/11/2008 10:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hi crohnie

until ur in the same position you dont appreciate what we go through with having a crohnic disease the hospital apps,the medication,and generally being ill all the time its not a life its an existence nothing more our lifes will never be the same again ever we dont have any control over this disease!from what ive read i think ur partner/husband is being really selfish sounds like he cant accept your disease he should be supporting you mad this makes me so angry is that not part of being in a relationship being able to communicate and support the other person when circumstances get really difficult!.

i have been with my partner 5 years in august we live 3 hrs away from each other and im always ill we almost split up because of the crohns but he had a reality check when he got back to his he realised did  he really want to through 4 years away due to this disease im always ill because im on methotrexate we dont see each other for weeks sometimes months when i am healthy i travel down to his im not prepared to sit back and let this disease control my life i get depressed as much as the next person who has this disease i told him if he cant accept it then let me go!so now we just work round it and accept it!

You should offer him the same choice as i gave my partner either accept it or walk!might bring him down to reality we all have good days and bad days we dont have any control over this does he not realise that!we dont have a choice of being ill we would rather not be!

I HAVE A SAYING

"ITS THE PACK OF CARD WE WERE DEALT WITH!"

A RELATIONSHIPS NOT WORTH BREAKING UP BECAUSE YOU HAVE A DISEASE YOU LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT IF YOU CAN  ACCEPT IT SO SHOULD HE!

Posted 1/11/2008 11:01 PM (GMT 0)
im sorry to hear your story RX. I'm not married, but this is what i often fear. Also, you don't have to be married, to be in a relationship with a non understanding partner. I once had a boyfriend who never came to see me in the hospital. At first i didnt care b/c i hate for people to see me like that, but then it started to get to me. It later turned out that he told me when his father got really sick he always had to go to hospitals and mentally he's unable to deal with the place, but he still loved and cared for me (we're still good friends by the way, just grew apart) Do you think your husband might have some deep seeded issues from his past?
My first thought in reading your post was counseling, but you said he won't go. But has he considered going to the doctor with you? maybe if he could hear your doctor actually tell him that when ur feeling well you can have sex, and explain the toll that it sometimes takes on ur body. Maybe hearing it from a professional will help. I know some people tho they love us and witness our hard times, still think that we use it as a crutch so that we don't have to do certain things. Mayb he harbors some type of resentment that he doesnt even realize.

I'm sorry about ur situation and I hope things get better fast! Stress is a monster for us. And a broken heart can be just as painful as the illness, trust me i know.
Posted 1/12/2008 2:53 AM (GMT 0)

I think you guys need a nice long heart to heart talk,you need support.I'm sure he's worried and maybe tired,but he did take vows,right?? If I didn't have my husband to give me my Humira shots,I don't know what I would do!! Not to say we haven't had our "discussions" before,because before my scopes I get very anxious,and sometimes I just didn't feel like he quite got it,but he does,just sometimes in a differant way.

I think him going to the doctor with you is a great suggestion from "praying4healing",is he willing to do that?

Hang in there :-)

Posted 1/12/2008 4:18 AM (GMT 0)
Hi! I am going to throw another suggestion out there and if I am completely off base please, please let me know. Is there any chance that you are depressed? I know your husband is the problem here not you but please hear me out. You are too sick to work and you are getting into debt. You do manage enough energy to take your kids to their obligations. You must be doing somewhat ok to handle being out of the house long enough for their games. I ask this with the utmost respect. What do you do during the day? You say your husband does all the cooking and cleaning and he is the one working. That kind of sounds like a lot for him, even if there is good reason for him to have to do it. He may also be depressed by this. But, if you find yourself having trouble getting out of bed and tired all the time and having no desire/ability to do daily tasks, such as cleaning the house or making yourself a meal, then you may very well be depressed. I got into a slump where I would come home and crash on the couch after work. My husband would cook and then I would lay down or do homework. Once I started doing the dishes a few nights in a row I realized that I really could do it. Why don't you just try to do one new thing a week, but do that thing everyday. Every little bit helps and seeing you contribute will put your hubby in the mood and give you more confidence. Maybe start by doing his laundry while he is at work and you are home. Then maybe making dinner one night. If that is too much, just make all the beds!! See where it leads.
Posted 1/12/2008 1:59 PM (GMT 0)
Fitzy,I personally think that's a great suggestion,even if it's a few dishes here and there.

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