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Posted 1/14/2008 6:38 AM (GMT 0)
I have to get up at 5 a.m. to take a massive (4-hour) anatomy exam, followed by four hours of lectures tomorrow. This isn't big news - every Monday is like this - but I have not been myself lately. I am unable to focus, slacking off on my studies somewhat, really don't feel like learning anything new. This is just not like me. Someone will ask me a medical question and I'll just be like, "Hmm...I have no idea," whereas before I used to have the energy to learn about it and bust my arse trying to figure it out. I've been feeling so utterly...helpless. Anxious that I don't know what's wrong with my body - I look in the mirror and barely recognize myself, this skinny, drab alien being with renegade guts/kidneys, when I used to be chubby, bright, optimistic. Anxious that medical school is just so, so hard, even without being a total freak of health nature. Anxious that my fiance and I really, honestly, truly just don't love Arizona...at least not how we loved Alaska. I think we are both lonely. And planning a wedding when you're lonely and far from family and friends is...well, could be better.

Gosh, I know I go on and on about this sometimes, but I really need some concrete advice here. I'm going to speak to a psychologist at the school's clinic next week, which I know is a step in the right direction. My anti-depressants are "maxed out" (been taking Zoloft for years) - it helps keep me from bursting into tears every day, but I wouldn't say I am coping well at all!

Do you ever feel like you are so far gone you don't know how to get yourself back?
Posted 1/14/2008 12:20 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry that you are going through a rough time right now.  Of course, everyone goes through down times especially if you have a cronic condition.  It sounds as though you are very stressed right now and have a lot on your plate; let alone Crohn's disease.  I am a lot older than you and have had Crohn's for forty years so I know what you are going through.  Take one day at a time and try to leave room for some fun everyday.  Take a walk, watch a movie, meditate, call a friend, pray etc.etc.  Everything will work out okay.  God bless you....Frar

Posted 1/14/2008 12:27 PM (GMT 0)
I'm dead tired and about to go to bed, I have some spinal test tomorrow, or well, 9 hours from now, gonna inject me and all that....


I will check back on you tomorrow with a better post, but I wanted you to know I read this and feel your pain, I am not super sure of your medical past as I only recently started visiting the forums again since a year or so back, so I'm gonna go out on a quick limb here and assume your dealing with all that and being sick!

I relate in a big way, especialy this year, I am way sorry to hear about all the pressure your under, I remember those days, it sucked :)

Depression comes with gig I think, no one mentioned that when I signed up for it though, my medical agent says its a freebie, on the house, comped as it were.

If I had a nickle for every weird emotional wave I have been through over the years with jsut this disease alone.....

As for psychologist, I dont think it ever hurts to talk to someone, especialy a professional. I would wager that not talking to someone many would think would be the crazy thing to do.

On days where I go to far I leave the house, I won't let my wife see me like that, eventually I end up talking to her when I clear my head, and she grounds me, she brings me back to me....

Although I find every occasion offers its own chance to fight depression, for instance I often find my self rather bitter and some what angry when visiting our fine local hospitals, the hospitality isnt what it used to be, that tends to keep my blood running and a few endorphines no doubt.

My professional life is in a rather perilous condition. As I'm involved in a somewhat legal and long term medical / insurance battle with them.

So yeah, go a littel crazy some days, dont hurt anyone, truly do not hurt your self and talk to what ever professional you want, you deserve to be taken care of, I surely know I do and your no different.

I cant imagine where I would be if I never started asking for help, I didnt the first 2 years, but I need some help now and coming here and reading your stories and sharing mine is a BIG part of that help.

So I hope when I tell you that it's ok to be afraid, to go a little crazy and equally ok to ask for help, you better believe I got your back.

I attended a group therapy at my hospital for patients with all sorts of mental issues from depression to bi-polar and more. The one thing that helped me the most in those encounters was the group discussions, somehow knowing others were out there sharing the same pain made me feel better.

Anyway, I guess I did kinda speak my piece after all, hmm thoguht I would go to bed faster, other peoples pain keeps me awakeas well as my own it seems :)

Ill check back though on your thread, chin up and all that!
Posted 1/14/2008 3:40 PM (GMT 0)
Sarita hi,I have not seen you on here latley,I am so glade to hear from you.I am sorry that you are not feeling well and the truth be known you are not alone I for one go through stages as well.

Sarita you have come so far and I know that you will just a great job next week when you speak at the clince,I have faith in you.You can do any thing that you set your mind to.Let us know how it goes.
Posted 1/14/2008 4:15 PM (GMT 0)
Just sending hugs,glad your'e going to the school psychologist,I'm sure they can steer you in the right direction :-)
Posted 1/14/2008 4:49 PM (GMT 0)
you are going through so much, and of course there is no easy answer. I am glad you are going to see the shrink and I hope he or she helps. is there one thing you can cut out of your day that is taking away energy? is there something you love that you can add? are you doing things with your fiance that you both enjoy? do you have any spiritual path that helps, even just throwing up your hands and letting the universe be in charge for an hour can help.
mostly here is a big hug. take care, Betz
Posted 1/14/2008 5:39 PM (GMT 0)
hi sarita
i am sorry that you are having a rough time- are you currently on pred? that is a big player in depression, as you well know. it is so hard to try and manage this disease and take care of others as well. i am a np in a really busy ed, and was just dx with crohn's this year, after the divorce from hell. so, i think stress is also a big player. you certainly have your share! perhaps it is time to switch to a different antidepressant, and to make sure that you are sleeping at night. if you are not already taking some trazodone, it is a great non-narcotic sleep aid. everything looks better with a little sleep. best of luck- i will keep you in my prayers.
Posted 1/14/2008 5:59 PM (GMT 0)

Sarita,

I am sorry you are feeling  bad and yes I understand completely what your feeling. I know that overwhelming paralyzing feeling very well, and I have lived it for 25 years.  I usually do very well but the past 2 years have been a huge struggle.

My Pdoc felt my AD had pooped out which may be your problem.  I think it is good you are going to see the Dr. and perhaps switiching to a new med will get you back to feeling better.  Also therapy is truly a great help.  I have been in therapy several times, the last therapist I had was the best.

Remember this is not the normal you, you have much on your plate, you have a major disease which you cope with daily and on top of that you have chosen a noble but very difficult profession.

When I was going to Nursing School, I had 4 children at home and worked every other week-end. I burned out and struggled but I gave myself permission to feel overwhelmed. I made it through with the help of friends.  You may give yourself permission to feel down and if possible can you cut back any on your studies.

I have stood in front of that same mirror, Sarita, and wondered who that woman in the mirror was and where was she going...........she looked so darn sad.  That is when I usually splash cold water on my face and stop looking in the mirror for the answers.  I try to reach deep down within and find a bit more strength to carry me through. Then I see my Pdoc.  Just telling her how I feel and having her validate my feelings is sometimes the trick to helping me accept who I am

You are a wonderful and caring person, that person in the mirror is not who you are, it is inside of you where the real heart and soul reside.

Know you are cared about here by your HW family and keep posting my friend.

Gentle Hugs to you.

Posted 1/14/2008 7:24 PM (GMT 0)
I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. You're under a lot of stress from so many directions, and you need to share your feelings with someone. Seeing a psychologist should be helpful.

I strongly suggest you ask them to schedule weekly or bi-weekly meetings until you are feeling better and more confident, or at least until the end of the semester. Have you considered changing prescriptions? If you aren't coping well on the status quo, then you need to try something new. I'm not sure if it is advisable to make any drastic changes to your meds right now... Maybe you can wait until the summer (if you don't have classes then? I don't know how med school works) or at the beginning of a semester when you won't be having exams for a while. Consider too talking with your college to see if you can take a lighter course load while your doctors sort out what's going on.

This may not be what you want to hear, but I have friends that just finished med school, and are in their residencies now--working 80+ hours a week, and they tell me the stress is worse. So keeping that in mind, NOW is the time to try different prescriptions, therapy, diet, exercise, whatever it takes so you can find a routine that allows you feel better.

I know somewhat how you feel; I've been through rough patches. I had been in therapy starting at maybe age 9 when my parents were going through a messy divorce, and from then on almost consistently through high school, and during my second year of undergrad. Often I would spend the entire hour crying while I talked about family problems and my fears, but I felt so relieved when it was over and was generally happy the rest of the week. It helped me immensely, and I did not take ADs with the exception of two approx. one year periods (first time we lost our home in a hurricane; second time found out my father, who I had not seen in 8 years, was deathly ill) when I recognized I was to "far gone" as you said--when I was feeling sleeplessness and loss of appetite. For the past seven years I have gotten by without any "outside help" except for support from my husband.

Although it may sound illogical, but if you're the type of person that worries way too much, as I am, then burying yourself in work or hobbies and thereby ignoring your problems for a while is helpful. Nowadays if I have trouble sleeping, exercising--a brisk walk on the treadmill with small weights--right before bed seems to help.

Post Edited (Confused in IL) : 1/14/2008 12:27:06 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/14/2008 7:32 PM (GMT 0)
You guys just made me cry! Seriously, I'd really go nuts if I didn't have you guys to vent to sometimes...

Phew, I needed that cry.

I do have a pretty blessed life in most ways and I am so appreciative of that; I'm also extremely sensitive, which can bite me in the arse sometimes and make every emotion - positive or negative - seem that much "bigger." I do keep telling myself "one day at a time," and that seems to keep me going. I won't give into this feeling altogether, but accepting that it's there is important, I think.

My mom just e-mailed me that our 18-year-old tabby cat, Spike, had his check-up at the vet and evidently he is losing weight, losing kidney function (boy, we seem to have a lot in common these days), has a heart murmur, and a growing mass in his eye. That was the straw that broke the camel's back this afternoon as far as the tears were concerned. What a munchkin he is. Nothing like a sick pet to bring you to your knees after a host of stressors.

Thank you again, truly, for your kind words and support. It means the world to me.
Posted 1/14/2008 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
Sarita,
Are you at U of A or to osteopathic school in Glendale? (The reason why. I ask, is though we have LOTS of sunshine, the seasons affect us here too). I long to go outside but all of my joints ache and the cold pervades everything making it all feel worse. It's the shade and being indoors that's the worst (like in classes) instead of being in the middle of the sunshine. It has also been a VERY damp past couple of weeks. It tends to set off anything inflammatory related, and thus, feeling like crap, the mind well, you know...

Sarita, you are one strong, intelligent person who is living their dreams. By reading your posts I might go and retake my MCATS...when my mind clears up. I was diagnosed with this disease just when I was accepted to med school...I hope you excel and overcome the difficulty of these next years...You have so much more strength than I did...just take care of yourself...be well....oh, and did I mention, don't forget to take care of yourself...hot bath works wonders...
Posted 1/14/2008 9:56 PM (GMT 0)
re: anatomy- try chung's "gross anatomy" as a study aid if you haven't already- saved MY life!

Posted 1/14/2008 10:21 PM (GMT 0)
I came back :) I am glad to see your second post, sad to hear about your cat. One of my wifes cats died last month and it was hard for her and it was hard for me to watch her go throught that, losing a pet is dificult. He was just a baby, only 2 years old, died in his sleep


I always feel better just knowing this forum is here and that any time I come here my Support buddies (you guys) are gonna come here and give me the lift to get through another mental flare up :P
Posted 1/15/2008 2:25 AM (GMT 0)
In addition to the psychologist try seeing the disabilities counselor at your college if you haven't already they can help out to.
As contadictory as this is going to sound if you aren't on Pred now and have not had bad experiences with it in the past a low dose might help. I feel better mentally on it just because I feel so much better physically that it is like a huge load of my shoulders and I have the energy for all of lifes challanges which I don't have without it. The mental benifits did not apply at higher doses though I was a grouch on 60mg of mythlepredisolone.
Posted 1/15/2008 3:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sarita. I totally understand what you're going through, but I can't stay awake it seems rather than having difficulty sleeping. I'm currently a 1L and the stress load is crazy. It's hard to convince yourself sometimes that you have the energy to do everything you're supposed to do and still spend time with the people in your life. I'm also in AZ, but I grew up here. There is a lot to love about the state, but it does sometimes entail going a bit out of the way. I have friends at the law school who aren't from the area and didn't realize that there was actual nature/desert area so close by to Tempe.

I hope that seeing the pyschologist helps some. I have been trying to find a way to see one.. but it never really works out with my schedule. I really do hope that you start to feel better. And I'm also sorry about your cat. It's amazing how much our pets impact our lives...

Anyways, as weird as it sounds it was nice to read your post to know that I'm not crazy and am not the only person feeling this way. I felt so pathetic after one day of being back in classes to feel stressed out and overwhelmed. And I know med school is supposed to be crazy hard. So it is very impressive that you are accomplishing such a big goal.
Posted 1/15/2008 5:27 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you, brit tuck, and sjkly, and blue velvyt, and survivor49, and Becoming undone, and Confused in IL, and frar, and of course my stand-byes Kitt and Yoga and LynnRN.

I wish there was something that I could take that would make me feel better. Unfortunately, I don't have a diagnosis thus far, for those of you who haven't heard the story. It's distressing - what, 2.5 years now - where I haven't had any concrete answers. Today I had the D probably about 10 times. Which, in the grand scheme of things, really isn't that bad - it used to be 15-20 before I started the VSL#3! This is the worst day I've had in a couple of weeks. I'm sure the anatomy exam didn't help.

I talked to a fellow med student tonight about all of this. She has also been through some crapola times - a car accident, rehab - and is about my age. She is certainly my best friend in this alien world of med school. We always talk about what it would mean to "decelerate." Take these first two years and turn 'em into three. I don't know. I'm struggling with that. I've made it more than halfway through my first year - granted, with a world of hurt - and I can't imagine doing an extra YEAR of this. This life...it's really not a life. Well, not the life I imagined.

You live for your patients, when you are a good, sensitive doctor. I DO think I will be a good, sensitive doctor one day. I just feel a little - oh - encumbered at the moment.

When I'm working in the hospital, I'm going to have a bunch o' patients. And I'm going to be working 80+ hours a week. Would you want your doctor to be incapacitated with some unknown GI illness? Of course not. Would you feel better knowing they've been what you've been through? I don't know about that. I get mixed replies.

Anyway...just wanted to thank you all again. And let you know that even though your docs may seem like total a-holes sometimes - doesn't mean they haven't been through some crapola themselves! Thank you for listening.
Posted 1/15/2008 7:25 PM (GMT 0)
sarita
i cannot tell you how many times i go to work in pain and have to run to the bathroom vbetween patients in the ED. the hardest thing is to try and maintain composure when attempting to convince an attending to admit HIS sick patient when you yourself are feeling steroid psychotic. they don't seem to have a lot of confidence in us when we cry! however, my profession has kept me going- and i bet that once you get thru these roughest times, yours will too. hang in there
Posted 1/15/2008 7:47 PM (GMT 0)
Being human and understand go far. I have the best GI in the world here...he has openly admitted that he also has an illness. He does seem to understand and, and I feel, provide better care. I think patients like that. It is only within the medical community itself, that you are not supposed to get sick. I was in the hospital, and my colleagues would pass by my hospital room on the way to their offices. (I was doing research work in clinical medicine.) I felt weird, wrong...never wanted to see another hospital...so I came back home to AZ.

Anyway, to make sense of all my garble, I tend to take the advice of someone who has had issues than from the practitioner who rarely ever gets a cold (been around any surgeons lately...ha ha?) The person who has had the illness can relate to me, understand me, I'm not just a curiosity.

Oh, and I had friends that took the 5 year plan, and they stated that they were so glad they did. It helps, especially in second year. Clinicals will still be tough, but it gives you time to master your subjects and be thoroughly prepared for your first set of boards.

Take a hot bath, you can bring a book and study...I hope you feel better
Posted 1/15/2008 8:40 PM (GMT 0)

Sarita,

If I have a good Doctor like you are going to be, I could live with the knowlege that he or she had a physical problem of their own. In fact I think that Doctor would have more empathy toward me, the patient as they have walked in my shoes.

You will shine, and you will have patients that adore you. Remember those babysteps and do not let your disorder hold you back, it may slow you down from time to time but you will make it, just believe.

I believe in you.  Gantle Hugs to my friend the Dr.

Posted 1/16/2008 1:47 AM (GMT 0)
I never signed on for the depression...never signed on for it, don't want it but it seems to come with the territory when you have CD...it really sucks. Sorry I can't be more optimistic right now, have colonoscopy tomorrow, not thrilled about that.
Posted 1/21/2008 4:30 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sarita. Hang in there. I know med school can be daunting especially when it's difficult to focus and you're not feeling well. My med school years were some of the most depressing years of my life. I think the clinical years will be much better. Make sure you choose a residency which isn't too strenuous. Once your GI problems get under control, you will feel much better.

.
Posted 1/21/2008 6:40 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Demchim, I didn't know you were a doc...that gives me some hope. What specialty are you in? I'm planning on primary care, but I'm totally naive still, so I just call myself undecided. I know very few people who have a chronic illness in med school. So I don't really know how to talk to anyone about it around me.

I am having a mid-year slump, that's for sure. Can't motivate myself whatsoever. I don't know how to get out of it, but I do know that somehow I will. We always do, right?
Posted 1/21/2008 9:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sarita,
It's 4:30 AM where I live, and I'm definitely as your title of the thread says, "nervous, depressed, and can't sleep." You have been through so much, and although you are kind, committed and courageous, everyone has their limits! I have no doubt you will be a phenomonal doc one day, but in the mean time, you need to take care of yourself. Please follow through with seeing the psychologist. You have some major decisions to make about whether you need to slow down your course work, your personal medical care, coping with your illness, etc. You are also planning a wedding, right? You have helped me immeasurably with your advice on this forum....it's time to give yourself permission to help yourself....just my two cents!!!
Posted 1/22/2008 3:37 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sarita-
I tried figuring out how to send a private message but couldn't...so here goes...

I was actually in denial (and still am sometimes) when it comes to my IBD. I never talked to anyone about it for the longest time until there was another person in my residency program who was diagnosed with IBD. She opened up to me about it first so then I told her about my situation.

In the beginning it helped to talk about it but to be honest, for me at least, I didn't want to think about it 20x a day so I'd ignore my symptoms. Not the smartest thing, I know. I was so self-conscious about it that when I had my biopsies I had an alias name so that my colleagues wouldn't see my biopsy. I thought about going into surgery but I didn't want to kill myself so I found myself to be intrigued in pathology. Needless to say, I've seen a lot colonic and SI resections with disease throughout my training. I'm specializing in hematopathology (leukemias, lymphomas, etc....and I love it!). Pathology is nice because it's not as physically laborious but mentally challenging and there are sooo many different subspecialties you can go into. The doctor's doctor.

Part of my denial was that my brother has had Crohns for over 20 years (diagnosed at age 12) so I grew up with him sick all the time and on all these meds, a decade of steroids, emergency surgery. I used to think, geesh...I'm so lucky I don't have what he does...then when I was diagnosed in my 1st pregnancy I couldn't believe it. I thought, no way! I remember struggling to stay awake during the scope (and I know the attending who was scoping me)...when he said "it's IBD" during the scope, I said "no way...this sucks"...I was so under the influence of the anesthesia....I still run into him in the hallways at the hospital. I'm currenlty being followed by a great GI and they are very professional. Anyhow, my bro was diagnosed at 12 and he stilll went to med school and finished residency...he's a successful practicing internist/hospitalist....he has pretty aggressive disease but he still knows how to enjoy life.

The depression and anger is normal....There was a period of time when I had zero symptoms, stopped all my meds because I was so sick of taking them and I did well for a few months...believe it or not I forgot that I had IBD...it was sooo nice....then once in awhile the symptoms would kick back in (and I know them so well) and I would be like, "ugh...not again"...it's a viscious reminder.

Some people are better about accepting their disease and living with it than I am and that's okay with me. They always say "physicians are the worst patients" ;)

Anyhow, with regards to med school...it is very hard to stay motivated (even without a chronic illness) because you're learning five hundred thousand things at the speed of light and being pimped..pure regurgitation...I hated it. I wouldn't worry about being motivated....just learn the basics..have a good foundation and you can always grow from there at any time. There are so many things that you forget and that's okay...that's why we specialize. Don't be intimidated by the gunners. I would just try to enjoy yourself and live each day to the fullest...so what if you wipe out on an exam....it's not the end of the world and there are so many other important things. Use your fiance as a strong support...it's really helpful.

With regards to your IBD, I'm not sure why you don't have a diagnosis...have you been scoped?

Anyhow, please feel free to send me a message anytime...advice about anything...med school, boards (ughhh), residency...my email is [email protected]

sue
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