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Husband thinks Crohn's is in my head

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Crohn's Disease
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Posted 1/15/2009 1:14 PM (GMT 0)
I had a similiar problem with my brother over Christmas, but I do not see him very often (usually 3-4 times a year). I cannot imagine what I would do if someone who saw me everyday said something like that. I do not suffer from anxiety, but I do think that stress can make symtoms worse and I hope that was all he meant.
To me saying something like crohns is all in your head, is like saying a stroke or a heart attack is due to your emotional state.  While stress can bring on the acute attack the underlying causation is physically there.
Posted 1/15/2009 2:33 PM (GMT 0)
Randynoguts had a very valid point. I don't think alot of people really took how serious my Crohns could be until I had to have an emergency resection. I feel like since then, more people, including my family, are more understanding of my illness. JMHO
Posted 1/15/2009 3:11 PM (GMT 0)

I have to agree with this post.  My husband is very understanding.  If, I not feeling good he say, "do as little as, u have to".  Very supportive in just sitting home with me most of the time.  The only time I really have a problem with him is when I have to have surgeries or er visit.  Thank he get irratable.  Not because, I am sick, but because he has a hard time with seeing me in a situation that he has know control over.

I think it can be hard for husband emotional to see there wife hurting, so much.  We have to work on our relationship when my crohn's gets really bad or he can shut me out to deal with the pain seeing me so sick

MishBall2 said...
I agree PB,  you can tell those people that tell their ailments to anyone and everyone even though no one asked.     I was at a party once and a woman was going on and on to my grandmother about her Crohn's.  My grandmother didnt care. . . I finally had to go save her by asking the woman about her ailments so she'd talk to me instead.  LOL

Back to original topic.   My husband was like that in the beginning (with first big flare).  It turns out he was lashing out because he was so helpless.   Our husbands like to think they can fix anything for us, and this is something he has no control over.   Unfortunately I think each wife, after realizing this, has to come up with the most effective way to handle it with her particular husband.   I recently had a flare and he was getting on me about being 'mopey'. . . I just said, "its not fair that you're upset with me because I feel sick".  He made one quick snap back, but after that I could see the change in his demeanor.   But, again, every husband is different and should be dealt with according to their personality.

I DO have to say that Margie's response was my favorite. tongue

Posted 1/15/2009 3:56 PM (GMT 0)
Like i said in a previous post nobody in this world can control stress. If they say they can, they are only fooling themselves. After all we are only human, besides we all know stress is one of the main triggers of Crohn's. If you feel stress out my dear you just take some me time and do something you like doing. Instead of worrying what others think. Take care of yourself. Anyone who has this disease deserves it.
Posted 1/15/2009 4:26 PM (GMT 0)
Sympathy? pah! I hide mine..
Well, except for getting out of Jury duty once. <Wink>
Yeah, sorry I've been pretty inactive lately. I'll try to fix that!

Matthew
Posted 1/15/2009 5:27 PM (GMT 0)
Stress may not be controllable, but it is manageable.

Having said that, crohn's isn't caused by stress and it isn't going to be cured by managing stress. But how we perceive stress and respond to it can impact how we manage the job of living with a chronic illness.

I had a friend once who believed (was being told by professionals) that she had psychiatric issues because she was becoming increasingly reluctant to travel away from home due to unpredictable and uncontrollable diarrhea. My question was, if she could arm herself with toilet tissues, potty, change of clothes, everything she might possibly need in case she was away from home and couldn't reach a washroom, would she still be unable to leave the house?

Of course we develop anxieties. Who, living with the unpredictability and socially unacceptable potential consequences of this disease wouldn't feel anxious? Part of managing the anxiety is identifying its source. In my friend's case it was the horror of possibly going in her pants in a public place. She couldn't face the prospect because she viewed it as being devastatingly humiliating. To protect herself from that potential humiliation she became increasingly housebound. Understandable, but not a great solution.

One of my big issues is "the smell" and so going into a public, multi-stall washroom was a huge issue that led me for years to battle with my body for "control" of my bms. Not a healthy response to the problem and caused me much pain and generalized tension. But I never really honed in on why I didn't like to use public washrooms until after my last surgery -- when I no longer could boss my body around. When I realized that it's the smell, I had a couple of choices. Learn to accept that the smell is part of who I am, but not a reflection on me, anymore than an amputee's prothesis says something about them, or get rid of the smell. Maybe it's a cop out, but for me I just wanted to get rid of the smell. That's where Just a Drop has been a life saver for me. Once I started carrying that little bottle in my purse, I stopped worrying about using public washrooms. Completely. And now, even if I'm caught without my Just a Drop, I don't worry about it. Finding the source of the anxiety allowed me to manage it and by managing it, somehow the anxiety has melted away.

It hurts when a loved one doesn't seem to get what you are going through. I'm sorry your experience with this illness is not being validated by your partner, but sometimes unless someone lives with a chronic illness it is almost impossible to understand.
Posted 1/15/2009 7:54 PM (GMT 0)
I sometimes have a similiar problem and have posted about it before. I think because the male brain is problem/solution oriented, it is hard for them to understand "managing" a disease rather than curing it. If you had rashes, or something external that they could see, it would be different. Its hard bc somedays they forget we have it bc we look ok, and the next day its the opposite. So far my best success has been in trying to communicate effectively, which is important in every relationship anyway. At times when I didnt think I could have a conversation without it being upseting, I have written my husband a letter and then left the house for a while so he could absorb it before responding. If you acknowledge you understand it is hard for him too (I know, it sucks, but lets face it, the women bare the burden of most things) you may get a more understanding response. I think my husband feels left out bc of the attention this dumb disease always gets. Their ego's are very sensitive. Good luck.
Posted 1/15/2009 10:31 PM (GMT 0)
I am "lucky" i have been on both sides of crohn´s , 4 years ago i was dating a guy who had crohn´s and he was very sick for most of the time. It never bothered me.
But now that i have it, it bothers me a lot, not the affects it has on me, but the affect it has on my family. I hate that i cant do things with my boyfriend or go to events.

My boyfriend did not get this at first he did not show me much support but once he saw how serious this is he came around and is now the best bf ever hehe..
I try to be tough and do things with him and not let the disease stop me. But some things i just cant do and he try´s to understand..
But i think it is very hard for him, because before i got sick i was very energetic and full of life, but not anymore :S So it is like a new me and i think we are all trying to get used to this new me..

But like i said i think it is more in our heads, we think that our family is more bothered with the disease than they actually are. Maybe he said this to you out of frustration, maybe he was having a bad day like we all have. You should talk to him about this and maybe take him with you to the doctor to discuss this issue.
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