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need advice for getting back on the market

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Crohn's Disease
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Posted 10/27/2009 5:45 AM (GMT 0)
I mentioned the other day that my long time boyfriend has moved out of state and we are no longer together. We were together for over 4 years and now I have no idea how to talk to guys lol. The biggest thing is that I'm really insecure about getting close to someone new because of the CD and the fistula. I wouldn't have even considered it a few weeks ago but I'm starting to feel a little better and well...I'm craving human contact lol.

So..I'm thinking that to get back on the market I will definitely need to stock up on some Immodium and panty liners for just in case...any other helpful hints and tricks for concealing the grossness of Crohn's until at least month two? turn
Posted 10/27/2009 6:50 AM (GMT 0)
when you do perhaps keep the chat to something in your interest...that you enjoy like movies, rather than about CD, after all, everyone has something that bothers them. Imodium didnt do much for me perhaps ask doc for lomotil. briget fonda made the first move in 'point of no return' :) i forget who asked who out.
Posted 10/27/2009 10:57 AM (GMT 0)
To be completely honest I think its very unfair to be dating someone for 1-2 months and not let them know you have Crohns, they need to know what they are getting into before either of you gets attached..I think it's something that should be mentioned within the first couple weeks.  If it scares them off then that shows you that it wouldn't have worked out anyways.  I told my boyfriend on the first day I met him that I had Crohns and ontop of that an abdominal fistula, it didn't bother him at all.
Posted 10/27/2009 1:36 PM (GMT 0)
I have to admit I have taken myself out of the market, but when I get to feeling better someday I might get back in the saddle.
I also agree with basically letting people know fairly early on in a relationship.
As Marilyn Monroe said "If you cannot handle me at my worse, you sure as h*ll do not deserve me at my best."
Posted 10/27/2009 8:18 PM (GMT 0)
In my case, it is my husband who has crohn's. So, my perspective is probably a bit different. I do think that if I had known my husband would be diagnosed with a chronic incurable disease, I would have backed out of it, in the initial stages when we were just starting to go out. I think that's normal human instinct - after all, we are biologically programmed to select the "best" mate.

I think in order to give yourself and the relationship a chance, you need to be up front before the relationship becomes more than the friendship stage. But you need to allow the person to become your friend without scaring them off with the illness.

Would I walk away from my husband now? Heck, no! But I would have, if he'd told me, "I have crohn's, and it's an incurable disease, and it's chronic, and I have to take some pretty crazy drugs to keep it under control, and they may have to surgically remove parts of me from time to time, I can pass this on to my kids, cancer, blah blah", when we were just starting to become friends. But once you're friends, you should disclose the illness, and see if the person can be supportive, and still see you, and not just the illness. If they can do that, then, the relationship has a chance.

Also, age is an important factor in how people deal with facing this kind of information. The more life experiences a person has (and that usually comes with age), the more accepting they are of the cruel twists that life sometimes takes, and are a lot more able to deal with the spectre and reality of this disease. I am 31 years old, and I struggle every day to cope with my husband's illness . . . but I'm getting better . . . maybe by 40, I'll be more accepting of this illness.

That's my 2 cents.
PV
Posted 10/27/2009 11:51 PM (GMT 0)
When I met my boyfriend, I was doing alright with my symptoms.  I told him about CD within the first few dates actually.  It's only fair to the other person, and yourself, to see how they are going to handle it from the get go. I'm really happy I was honest with him about it from the get go.. because now when it's at it's worse, he is at his best.  He showed me from the beginning that he would be there no matter what, and don't we all deserve that?  Just remember, this isn't something that you did to yourself, CD happened to you. That's what they need to know too.  Goodluck being back on the market!
Posted 10/28/2009 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
In the few relationships that I've attempted since being diagnosed I've talked about Crohn's up front, quite early. Each person was understanding, supportive and did not care. It's true that everyone has something... Or at some point they will. If we are to find someone with whom we want to share our lives, we must acknowledge that this means sharing obstacles as well as the easier points. Nobody will go through life without health issues.

Not that I have much to talk about ... I've been off the market myself for 3 years now. I'm considering dating now, but my reasons against are more about my 12-year-old than they are about Crohn's!
Posted 10/28/2009 5:08 AM (GMT 0)
Out, Out Brief Candle!!
Posted 10/28/2009 1:25 PM (GMT 0)
Sooo PV...on behalf of all of us under the age of, let's say 50, we thank you for your encouragement and hope for the future.  Just think of all the young people with this horrible desease who will withdraw even deeper into their shell because of your comments. 
Posted 10/28/2009 2:04 PM (GMT 0)
Tom,
I do not think PV meant it that way, because I think she meant it as try not scare people with the disease (with the in-the-trenches details of this disease, but when you do have to tell people sometimes having a sense of humor about it helps). Generally it is a good idea to let someone know if you have health issues pretty early on, but one does not need to talk about crohns like PTSD clients talk about combat flasbacks until people are more part of a crohnie's life. But I also have to admit it is a great BS detector, because part of the measure for relationship fitness for a partner for me is if someone is considerate enought to be there when you are puking your guts out. If they have enough empathy to ask and mean it "how can I help" and be stand up and show up people. There is a level of caretaker fatigue that is common, and I have not quite figured out how to negogiate that yet.

The thing I think we as ill people have a challenge to do is more positively frame one's health isses in such a way that makes it inspirational, and not depressing. Everyone has dark nights of the soul, and frankly I am kinda glad to know that my dark nights are due to illness (and not something worse). It is more about finding the charater strenghts that can develop from dealing with something constantly that is difficult and gaining something from going through it.

Navy
Posted 10/28/2009 5:07 PM (GMT 0)
Just take your time Criss. I am guessing the average Crohn's person waits longer for the rebound relationship than healthy people lol. Trying to explain having an accident when your with a person you have been hiding your disease from is not a healthy start to a relationship. Figure yourself and your disease out before trying to figure someone else out. Good luck.
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