Had some tragic news

Hi folks.

I'm home now. I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday: I took some amitriptyline the night before to help me sleep and it left me a groggy mess all day. So last night I didn't take any, as I have a long drive today. I'm going to visit my friend in south London and spend New Year's Eve with her.

While my friend has been brilliant throughout, I'm afraid I'm still depressed about everything and not in a much better frame of mind before I went into hospital. I'm still not in touch with my parents. On the day I left hospital I had a chat with my new care coordinator. She was concerned about lack of support and wanted to call my mum. She was fairly persistent about it so in the end I said - somewhat shirtily - that I didn't need any practical support, I needed emotional support and my parents couldn't give me that. I also said, even more angrily, that my mum knew I was in this place and she hadn't called me.

That was the only thing which got me riled. For the rest of the conversation I was depressed and immune to being cheered up. I've agreed to go the day hospital on Tuesday morning (Monday is a bank holiday). Not sure what that involves. Whether you get any actual help or if it's just more colouring and arts and crafts stuff.

Sorry I can't bring more positive news or be more positive, but I just feel numb. I've not only lost a brother but the rest of my family. I don't actually give much of a toss about their self-centred arses but the loss of my mum hurts. Oh, I could get in touch with her again. I could deal with her hostility and suspicion until she thaws. I could deal with her drinking, her denials, her ice-cold rage if I overstep myself, her enabling of my narcissistic dad (whilst b!tching to me about him behind his back). And that I am the only person in the world (apart from my brilliant friend) who sees her for what she is: an emotional abuser whose pride is more important than her relationship with me.

The weird thing is, my mum keeps on placating everybody else til the cows come home. My dad, her friend, her sisters (or at least the one she has the closest relationship with and calls everyday). She has never-ending reserves of sympathy for her friend, her sister and her daughter-in-law. And when my maternal grandmother was still alive, my mother was dutifully visiting her twice a week, every week, while the golden children swanned in a few times a year at best.

Anyway, I have nobody else to fill the missing hole in my life. No other family. My mum has been my best "friend" all my life. She always seemed so sane and realistic compared to my frankly bonkers dad. While I still think she is a lot less delusional than he is, she has a fair number of delusions herself. I will never know what role, if any, my parents played in my brother's death. But considering my brother spent many years trying to speak to my mum about his childhood and his feelings, but not getting anywhere (my mum simply dismissed them, as she did with me - I eventually gave up trying and so did my brother), it's hard for me to believe that they didn't have some part to play.

I just don't even begin to know how to start processing all this bollocks and move on. Not thinking about it doesn't work - I just go numb, but, like the Crohn's, it hasn't gone anywhere. It's still there, making me deeply depressed.

Hi ncot, I would like to suggest something that I would not ordinarily suggest. I think you should get in touch with your mum, ring her. I think coping with the death of your brother and not speaking with your parents is a recipe for disaster. I know they are not ideal, I get it, but they are all you have.

I have not heard from my mum, but the difference is that it doesn't cut me up because I emotionally distanced myself from the pair of them years ago. But, and more importantly, I am not alone, I have a husband, daughter around me, and so for you being alone it is worse.

Have a think about it. Even if she is a pain in the butt, at least you will not be on your own.

Your mom has lost her son, and it sounds like she doesn't cope well in normal circumstances.
My guess is that she feels shattered and doesn't know how to help you. I'm so sorry she can't be there for you right now, but I hope with time you two can find a way to talk about things. I'm glad you are out of the hospital and with your friend tonight. Happy New Year Miranda. Maybe 2018 will be better. One step at a time.

I am, but having one person around doesn't really stop loneliness. I do appreciate that I have him in my life though & my pets

Also, there will never, ever, ever, ever be an honest conversation with my mum. Fifty years of marriage to my dad and heavy drinking has scrambled her brain. She's not got dementia but she is utterly rigid and inflexible. She doesn't do remorse or introspection.

All this I found out way way too late.

On a happier note my friend's dogs were absolutely lovely. The smaller of the two laid by my side nearly the whole time I was sat on the sofa. I like her house. She and her husband are very into their hobbies - the husband is into electronics and building stuff (his latest project is an electric powered bicycle), whilst my friend is into dolls houses, reading, and crotcheting. One room is completely taken over by dolls houses, whilst one end of the living room is completely taken up with the husband's bits and bobs. There's also books everywhere, plus two dogs, a guinea pig and a lizard. The even more impressive thing is that the husband is legally blind and one of the dogs is a guide dog. He does have partial vision, though, so he's not completely blind - fortunately. He used to like riding motorbikes but obviously can't anymore, so the electric bike is a kind of substitute motorbike I suppose.

Thanks scifigal :p

It's not a silly question at all, but I only have a 1-bedroom flat so getting a roommate isn't really possible. As for my friend I'm not sure she'd want me moving in with her full time <_<. She does have a spare room but there isn't much spare room left in it, what with all the doll houses and bookcases: I slept on a mattress on the floor last night.

Thank you for being understanding about my parents. I think everyone just assumes all parents automatically love their children and want the best for them - and while I do think that's true for most parents, the older I get, the more I think some parents have a very strange idea of what love means. I'm not ruling out talking to my parents forever. But right now I can't be doing with their mind games. My mum's silent treatments get longer and longer - and indeed if I hadn't broken the last few silences, I'm not sure she ever would have got in touch. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I have tried my best to get along with both parents over the last two years. But they don't change or make any effort to meet you halfway.

That does sound like a lovely evening and a great start to 2018. You sound like you're in good spirits and I am proud of your strength to step back from your parents. You really need to focus on yourself and your happiness/goals. You are so intelligent, funny, and unique, your parents are very lucky to have raised a person like you, and they should want you in their lives. Not just that, but they should really consider your feelings, and it sounds like you've always been the one jumping through hoops to avoid upsetting them, when they are the ones who desperately need to work on themselves. Your parents do sound exactly like mine though. Pretty shocking that parents like this are common. I don't think I've ever met someone with such a situation, or I guess people don't talk about it. I am sorry that it has come to a separation. Have you ever thought about taking some gigs pet sitting? Maybe you could watch homes for local people & get to spend some time with animals, or even just walk someone's dog while they are at work... People use this service called wag here. I am not sure how you go about signing up to be a walker/sitter, but I would imagine anyone could. It sounds you enjoyed having a dog buddy for the night.

Hi Miranda I'm so sorry for your loss of your brother. Soemtimes I tell people to keep a healthy distance from toxic people. In your case your parents. Some things just never change.

How are you doing healthwise?

Afternoon folks.

I went to the day hospital this morning from 9-12:30. My heart sank slightly when we were ushered into an art therapy room: visions of adult colouring books descended upon me. On the plus side, I didn't do a single bit of colouring in. On the down side, I didn't do any talking either. There was a group of about ten people. As seems utterly typical with these sort of groups, a couple of people do 80% of the talking about themselves. One of them was a chap who was constantly putting not only his foot in it, but his three other limbs as well. The other was an ex-army fellow who'd been in the army for 20 years and was suffering from PTSD. The latter was articulate and a good speaker; he had been doing a good job of holding it together with jokes and banter, until he suddenly got up and walked out of the room. I didn't know why, but a couple of minutes later I found out: the foot-in-mouth chap had asked the ex-army chap if he had killed anyone in Afghanistan. I did the biggest mental facepalm ever.

Didn't think the army fellow would come back after that, but he came about half an hour later and told the group that, yes, he had killed 6 people and that he was haunted by the fact that 6 families had a son, brother or husband who wouldn't be coming home. I mean, what does anyone say to something like that? You can't really say it's okay, can you? But on the other hand I hardly wanted to make his obvious guilt worse.

After the mid-morning break there was creative writing, which I was quite looking forward to: I hadn't been able to talk about anything, but maybe I could write a story which reflected my feelings. Unfortunately the 'creative' writing was nothing more than thinking up a few New Year's Eve resolutions (called "improvements" in this case) and saying what you would do to reach them. Everyone else came up with the usual stuff: eat more healthily, exercise more, lose weight, sleep better. Except me. I can't eat more healthily 'cos Crohn's, my BMI is normal, and if I could obtain 8 hours of high quality, refreshing sleep every night, I'd already be doing it. So I just left it, because I honestly couldn't think of a single thing in my life that I was capable of improving any time soon - all my problems come under the heading of insoluble.

In fact the whole thing got on my nerves. I'm not 10 years old, so I don't need lectures on how sleep is good for you or how important healthy eating is. Not that the staff were lecturing us to be fair, but, to me at least, it all feels so simplistic and patronising, as well as being stuff I've heard a million times before. I really, really hope the whole 2 weeks isn't going to be like this. I'll continue going, because there's not exactly a lot else to do. And I get a free lift there and back.

@nssg - I could think of worse things to do than pet-sitting, that's for sure. I have thought about trying to get volunteer work with animals in some capacity. I've never been one of those people to say I prefer animals to humans, but the older I get the more perilously close I get to saying that.

@scifigal - Giving up my housing association flat and moving in with unknown roommates is too risky for me :/

@Andrina - My bowels are holding up fairly well, all things considering >_>. Luckily none of recent stress seems to have made them any worse.

*3 hours later* Urgh, lack of sleep and an overly large lunch caught up with me and I crashed out on the sofa >.> @Betty Sue - I checked the link: it was an interesting read, thank you.

NCOT, I think its good that you plan to attend the sessions for a couple of weeks. If nothing else, it gets you out of the house for a bit. Who knows the loud mouth hopefully will be at the end of his tenure there in that program. We can always hope, lol.

Tx has been in a deep freeze the past 72 hours, in the teens at night & today we get above freezing. I am ready for the heat wave!!!

The group went a little better today. Foot-in-mouth guy wasn't there, so a few other people managed to get in a word edgeways. However, I'm shattered from lack of sleep and desperately need to catch up. For some reason my stomach has been killing me the past two nights. Tonight my stomach resembled the scene from Alien when the alien is trying to burst out of John Hurt's chest, but luckily nothing actually burst out. I took some codeine and had an extra-long shower (the hot water on my stomach helped).

@Poppie - You are right about me needing to cultivate new relationships. I'm starting to fall asleep at the laptop now, so I'm gonna go to bed, but over the next few weeks I will give joining groups some thought - I am meant to be starting an art class at a day centre, but not heard anything back about that yet.

@iPoop - So cold. Brrrr... >.>

NCOT,

I am glad that you are trying so hard. It is difficult to cultivate new relationships. I am sure that you can do it. I too go to the library to learn about new subject matter and make friends. I even went to a quilting meeting once. Liked the quilting but didn't find anyone in the group to relate to....but it opened the door and it was easier the next time. I think the hardest part is opening yourself up and not losing patience with some of the people.

Hang in there!
Clo