Guilt

Several months ago I started to feel a little sad. I've been through low periods before and thought that it was probably just a bump in the road and that I'd come out of it. But I haven't, and have been feeling progressively worse. I am going to see a psychiatrist again once school starts after the holidays. In the meantime I do have my family, who have always supported me, but my problem is that I don't feel right about leaning too heavily on them. Knowing that my trouble makes them worry makes me feel incredibly guilty about saying that I feel bad and need to talk. I worry that they are going to get tired or impatient with me, even though they never have. I don't want to put extra stress on them. I worry about turning to friends because I don't have enough faith that my current friendships can withstand the strain that depression can sometimes put on things. I know that I need to talk more openly about how I feel, and I was wondering if anyone else feels this way. Does anyone else worry or feel guilty about taking up people's time and energy by talking about yourself and how you feel? I don't want to isolate myself, but I find that since I feel so guilty about talking about how I feel (because it seems so selfish) that I avoid it altogether, which leads to feeling very alone and disconnected. Any advice?

-Flop

I have been feeling the same way. I dont talk to my parents though because they dont know what I am going through. I have tried talking to them and they dont seem to think its a big deal so they dont know about everything. I dont want to tell them really. A few things can happen if I tell them. My mom might say it is 'just a phase' and it will go away. She could say I am crazy and she is sending me away.(Which is what she said once before when I tried telling her). She could accept it and let me get help.(doubt it). Or she could start to worry about me.

I think it is ok for people to worry about me occasionally, but I hate pity parties. One of my teachers who stands in a group of two other ones, they know that I am on medication for Fibro (I take Lyrica); anyways, I see them several times a day and she always asks how I am doing and everything. Which I like, and I am also not used to that. No one has ever asked me how I felt, or how I was doing because they really wanted to know. She worries about me alot. She cares about me. I really appreciate that. But, if I am not smiling, which I used to always be doing, she thinks something is wrong, which there is always something wrong. One time my cheeks turned red and she fraked out! She said she had never seen them that red and thought somehting was really wrong! It was kind of funny to me, but I could tell she was really scared and worried. She always asks if it is my medication!

Sorry, getting off subject! I am afraid to tell people because I dont like people to worry about me. I dont like things being about me. I never think of myself first either.

But, I have only one person I can talk to, my best friend. But, I need to talk to her so much I feel guilty for putting her in that position. It seems like she gets tired of hearing it. I feel really guilty that I have made her my only person and if I am having a problem I have to go to her or no one. Going to no one usually has bad consequences so, I usually text her.

I know exactly how you feel. I always feel so disconnected from the world. Like I am so different and I have to watch from the outside. Which is actually sometimes good...but I would rather be in it. I almost always feel alone because I am the only one who knows what is going on in my head. I was born smiling....I have always smiled no matter what until when I was about 13, then all the pain set in. Thats when my fake "I am ok on the outside but dying on the inside" smile came out. I still have a fake smile too. I dont smile as much anymore either. I guess I am in my own world. Hopefully one day I can join in to the real world and be apart of things without feeling guilty.

Sorry this is so long. I have had a hard couple of days, and I couldnt figure out what to post about, but this post is part of the hardship I have been suffering from the past few days. I cried for hours last night and I decided I would not text my friend because I have put her through so much. So I know what it is like to feel guilty.

"You are not alone."

Tennis - that's exactly how I feel. I don't have a lot of people that I am close to and I don't want to put everything on them. And like you I don't want to be pitied. But it is nice to know that people care. Outside of my family I no longer have anyone who knows about my depression/anxiety, so when I'm at school it gets pretty lonely, and I find I do have to put on an "I'm okay" face to get through the day.

I do think it's better to talk. I had two friends I used to be able to lean on, but one also suffers from depression and he isn't always the best help. The other friend knows us both, which made it complicated, and I feel like she's chosen to be there for him rather than me. (I DON'T think this is my imagination - she stopped returning calls and emails about two months ago, and then came into town to visit him and didn't tell me she was there) Time to find new friends maybe? I need to see if there is a support group for depression at my University.

It's okay to say what you need to. I've been having a hard couple of days as well!

My understands the Fibro, but she doesnt understand the things that come with it. I know two people personally who have it. One of which told me about it 2 years ago, she is the reason I found out about it! I have talked to her once about the depression and stuff. The other one my mom and I talked to when she found out I was taking Lyrica and had possibly been dx. I think she scared by mom to death when she was explaining the IBS she experienced and that I would probably too. She asked questions about it...I am not good talking like that, I told her I was normal, and my mom was standing there. I felt the anxiety go into overdrive. I do experience symptoms of IBS, I just havent told anyone.

But, my mom doesnt understand that Fibro doesnt just mean I am in pain, it comes with depression and all sorts of things. She knows because my dad showed her one of the Fibro sites, but I guess she just doesnt think that it is me. She wont accept that I am depressed and all the other stuff. Some things I cant say on here, but I will honestly tell you that it has gotten really bad before. Luckily, I talked to my friend, who had experienced similar things before. I was afraid at first until I learned how similar we are. So, I tell her everything and she understands. But, I have no one else to talk to about certain things, just her. Thats why I feel guilty.

I am not allowed to say everything on here so I talk to her. She understands what is going on with me and the things in my head. Luckily, I have gained control of the bad things, now I am just depressed. I wish my mom could understand that.

Maybe when I go back, my doc will explain everything to my mom, and I will have the courage to answer questions honestly. All docs seems to enjoy referring me to someone else, so maybe he will refer me to someone who specializes in Fibro, who knows. Although, I am pretty sure there isnt a doc here that does....

Anyways, maybe as I get older I can explain it more to her. Right now I am just trying to deal with it, even though I am alone in it, I have to stay strong until one day I can get it out. I know you guys are always here for me, but you can only do so much.

I dont like people to hug me, I have never really been hugged alot...but I almost wish I could tell one special person everything, we could both cry, and they would hold me, and comfort me and tell me that it will be ok. I imagine that special moment. I am just not sure who I will tell. I just wanted to be comforted. I have never had that really.

I guess that is kind of sad. I dont remember my parents ever hugging me. I know they love me, but they never say it. We are not really close. I remember one time when I was younger, I asked my mom if she really loved me. She said yes of course I love you. She didnt hug and comfort me and let me know she really meant it. I know she really does. All parents have unconditional love, but she never shows it, or says it.

Maybe that is part of my problem, I dont know. Sorry this is so long. I guess I am getting some of the really emotional stuff out....Thanks for listening to my venting.

Sorry I missed the part about the holidays. Christmas was good, but I felt really bad, I was not into it at all. I got everything I asked for...but I still wasnt happy. The past few days have ben horrible.

Christmas night was bad, I had to get my friend to talk to me. I always text her when it gets bad, then she tells me happy things. Its my strategy I came up with! Then, last night, I just started crying. I was angry all day and went out and walked for a long time. I have some teen things I am struggling with so my head is all messed up. I have so much going on inside of it. I also yelled at my mom yesterday, we were arguing and thats when I left and went outside. Then, I cried last night for hours because I am struggling with so much. I didnt text my friend because I hate to put so much on her. So, I was alone with it. I tell her everything, but I have one thing I havent told anyone, thats what I am struggling with. I dont know.

I have been doing so great from the Lyrica! I get dizzy and off balanced so I think I was walking along and stumbled into a huge black hole. So, now its a very low point. But, I know it will get better. I go to the doc soon so I am anxious.

Sorry this is way long. My head is all messed up....

But sometimes I think it would be nice to let myself be hugged. My ex was always good at holding onto me when I was upset. He would hug me even if I didn't think I wanted to be touched, and eventually I would let go of whatever was bothering me and just let myself feel loved. I miss that now. (I miss him, actually) I think you will find that person, or several people, that you can confide in and who can comfort you - it will happen. I'm sort of looking for that, too. It can be tough because you want people to accept you for who you are, but when you're depressed it can be hard to get to know people, and even harder to let them see you when you are vulnerable and sad. I've been trying to let go of the thought that people are going to judge me or dislike me if I need help dealing with this, but I end up going back around to feeling guilty for needing support. Hard cycle to break.

-Flop