Depression

Getting by - your rock cutting sounds really interesting. Hobbies are good to have....though I've let most of mine go for the past few months. I still read a lot. Used to draw and paint, write, play music...but I've lot interest in doing those things. I feel so tired most of the time. Most of my energy goes into school. I spend a lot of time acting happy so I can get through the days, so when I get home I usually fall apart. I'm upset a lot of the time now, and that makes me very tired. I'm usually in tears as I post something, it just happens. Sometimes it gets almost funny - typing away while crying. Oh well. Better to cry if you feel like it then hold it in. Joc - any hobbies that you have that you find relieve stress or help you feel good?

-Flop

Getting By,

Your hobby sounds really interesting. I have alot of jewellery that is hand made from Canadian artists as I am in Canada. I got some black pearl earrings and bracelet for Christmas that I adore. I also got a beautiful jade bracelet from a trip to England - The British Museum is showcasing The Terra Cotta Warriors. I have a stained glass project that I still have not finished - I did it once, but I hated how it turned out so I ripped off the paint. I bought thekit at Michaels. Maybe you can make me feel inspired.

I do not have fibromyalgia so I am alot more mobile than people who have the illlness. ALthough the depression and anxiety kill me sometimes, I am a pretty active person and my blood tests indicate that I am pretty healthy. I have poor vision, but my hearing is quite good and I am pretty fit. When they do a disability report they look at all these factors and make the decision based on the person's quality of life and it seems like I am still better off than alot of people and capable of doing most things for myself. Also since they developed all of these drugs for depression and anxiety, most people just get a prescription and then sent back to work as it has been proven that alot of people take these prescriptions and are relieved of their symptoms and quite capable of working. That was how the decision was made and so it is...

I know people with MS that still work - our system is really picky and very few people get disability these days.

I am glad you got an MD. I know a few fibromyalgia cases and they cannot work.

JOC

Thanks for writing so promptly. I am just doing my laundry and listening to my Ipod while I keep an eye on the computer. I live in the GTA - The Greater Toronto Area so I am far from "The Soo." There are alot of interesting islands here and in the world actually. I love tropical places - in 2005 I was in Kauai, Hawaii.  I have never heard of Sugar Island and have never been to Sault Ste Marie. Where are you in Michigan?

There black pearls look like the ones you get in the South Pacific and they are really lovely. The Jade bracelet is so soft and warm - it is the lightest colour I have seen for Jade. I also have a heart pendant that I got long ago to go with it. I wish I had more time to cultivate a hobby, but I am so pooped after work and the gym that alot lies unfinished in that department. Do you ever sell your work?

I am hoping to finish the stained glass lampshade as it is for my room. I got a painting that a friend painted of me when I was a little girl. She never told me about this painting, but then brought it over and said that I was the "muse" on Christmas Eve. It is one of my back in my galoshes with my skinny little girl ankles facing the sea - really nice. She used to be a nurse, but now she paints and she is rather talented - well I am biased as she has painted me!

I wear alot of black and have onyx jewellery. It is a sophisticated and colour of depth in my opinion. It does not always mean "moroseness." My astrological sign is Scorpio and we are into black. I like the colour.

I am feeling abit better since I started on the Effexor - alot more motivated. I did feel some anxiety getting up for work the other day and will probably feel some on Monday when I rise. However once I was up I was fine. I have a prescription for clonanzepam, but once I have enough Effexor I find that I do not need it as much.

Things are changing so much in my life and I find that hard. We will see how things go this year.

Take Care,

Joc

Karen,

Dinner smells great - I am coming over LOL.... I was a vegitarian for 3 years, but have gone back to eating meat. I was also really thin, but have gained back the weight. I am still fit. I know what you mean about the "I  miss my figure " part, that is how I feel. I have these size 0 pants in my closet from a few years ago and I cannot even get them on - it is too funny to think I was that small in 2003, 2004 and 2005.... Also for half of 2006... I keep them thinking I will lose it and maybe I will, but not at the moment. I need the pills as my breakdown scared me. I cannot afford to collapse and lose my job. It really stinks, but that is the reality. I know they cannot fire me (some may wish to try - always those people) and I cannot afford to leave. Anyway...

I have never heard of coin pearls. Yes, I have quite a collection of hand made jewellery and also inherited stuff. I have some diamonds and pearls. I love costume - I have a nineteen twenties marquisite (spelling???) ring that I inherited - it is quite precious. I also have a pair of earings I bought in Hawaii - I wear them alot - the stone looks like an uncut diamond, but it is something else from the volcanoes and really pretty. A long time ago, I worked for someone who imported jewellery from India and Indonesia so I have some of that too.

I was born right in the middle of Scorpio so I am a Scorpio with an Aries moon. Quite a combination. I was born in the year of the "Dog."

I have two IPOD shuffles as I ran out of room on the first one and then I got a gift card and ordered the new "clip" one. My mother got the IPOD that has a screen on it for Christmas - she can watch movies on it if she wants too.

Clonanzepam is a mild sedative that is used for anxiety and also seizures. It makes you sleepy and calms you right down. I find it handy sometimes. However the Effexor treats both depression and the anxiety. It also makes you sleepy and more relaxed.

I lost my cell phone and had to have it replaced. I was panicked about it as I left it somewhere and it never turned up. Three weeks later I received a call from some guy who said he had it and I could get it from him. I tolf him not to bother as I replaced the phone already...

Yes I was at the gym this afternoon and I had a good workout. I will go in the morning too. Do you find it painful to workout with the fibro?

Until Next time,

JOC

Hey Flop,

I thought I had lost your post, I didn't go back far enough and thought it was on the first page, then couldn't find it there.  I knew that you were here somewhere. 

As for crying, I find it to be a wonderful release.  Sometimes, we have to just let it all out.  That is so healthy and you feel so much better afterward.  Just do it where you feel safe and just let it go.  I have done that many times.  I want you to feel better.  If you need to talk more, I am here and so is JOC.  We are here to listen to what ever you want to talk about.  Please remember that.

I want to tell you guys that I really enjoy talking to both of you.  JOC, it sounds like you have done some traveling.  Can you tell me more about Hawaii sometime, tonight if you want to.  The coin pearls are round but flat.  I don't know if they are fresh or sal***er pearls.  My sister in law made them.  She makes more vintage looking stuff.  I am more natural.  She is starting to get into the natural rustic look now.  She sent me a necklace with silver charm type peices and labradorite (which I think comes from canada).  There is a peice of blue opal on it too.

I will close here for a while, I will be checking back in if anybody wants to write more.

hugs to both of you,

getting by

PS. Not that being male or female makes any difference!!! lol.

Wow, you don't log on for a day and you miss so much!

JOC - we're not that far apart geographically - I'm in Ottawa for school, but am home in the country until after new years for the holidays. 

I wish I could say I've been enjoying the time off from school, but I've been feeling so stressed and sad that I haven't, and I think getting back to school will be good for me. My major is music, I play piano, but I'm not taking performace, which is why I haven't played much recently. Before I decided to go back to school I was working through the Royal Conservatory and aiming to get my ARCT (teachers) certificate, but I found that I couldn't take on full time University along with the time required to fulfill the conservatory requirements.

I wanted to ask you (JOC) if you ever worry about taking the clonazepam? I use it, too, when I'm very anxious and can't sleep, but I find it makes me feel groggy in the morning. And I don't like to use it unless I really need to. When I was prescribed it I was told it was not addictive, but I don't want to become dependent on it.

No pets for me in the city, but my family has a dog and two cats. The dog is great, really funny, quite a personality. I miss having the animals around when I can't get home for long periods of time. Getting By - you're right that animals tie you down, but you're also right about the unconditional love. Whenever I come home the dog is so happy to see me. He gets all worked up, as if I were the most important person in the world. I sometimes wish people were that pleased to see me.

New Years Eve tomorrow....I've been dreading it, since everyone in my family has different plans and no one else will be home. I had no plans as no one asked me to do anything, so no party or dinner for me. I don't have many good friends. I really did not want to spend the night alone, since I've been feeling so low and anxious, so I finally asked a friend who said he also wasn't doing anything if he'd come and just watch movies with me. Trouble is I now feel horribly guilty about it, and am thinking of telling him not to bother, because I'm sure he could be going out and having fun if he wanted to. I KNOW he got invited to a gathering of mutual "friends" (which I wasn't invited to) I think he feels sorry for me and is just being nice, which makes me feel worse. I don't know how to handle situations like this...I don't want to be by myself, feeling miserable, but I also don't want to ruin anyone elses night, or be a burden on them. I feel weak when I ask for help, especially if it's asking someone to talk, or to come spend time with me, because it just reminds me that I don't have people outside of my family who care about me and who would reach out to me on their own. Sure, I can call people, but it feels like it's always me making the effort. I feel like I get forgotten or simply left out most of the time. And then I feel hurt. I love my family, and they care about me, but I would like to have a circle of friends that I could spend time with. I think it's because I relate badly to people. I keep thinking of things I could do to change the way I come across and I have tried so hard since starting school to get out there and meet people and talk to new people, but it feels like I keep hitting walls. Am I choosing the wrong people to strike up conversations with, or...well, maybe it IS me. It's happened all my life. I do not make friends easily. What should I do tomorrow? Should I tell him not to come? I'm getting more and more worried about it as I think about it now. Sorry this got so long.

-Flop

Floppington, I had two cousins they were both really pretty with long black hair.  Quite a few years ago somebody said two me that they were both stuck up because they would go to parties and only talk to eachother, why didn't they talk to anybody else.  These girls were beautiful but stuck up.  The truth was they were both too shy to talk to anyone.  So it is hard to tell what others think of us.  I have a sister that thinks she is ugly.  I think that she is pretty.  It sometimes has a lot to do with what we think of ourselves.  Just because we might not like what we see in the mirror doesn't mean other's see  us the same, or that others don't like us.  I hate pictures of myself, where others like them.  I guess that is another case of me seeing myself a certain way.  I know from the past that you can't assume what other people are thinking because we always assume the worst.  So lighten up on yourself, and don't assume.  You never know when you are way off base.  I am sure that others would love to be around you, and sometimes others are jealous too and we don't know it.

JOC, I hope that you are feeling better today.  It is New Years Eve (again).  The time goes by so fast.  I don't think that you have broken any rules on the forum.  I know what you mean about the media portraying women especially in a certain way and we feel like we should be like that.  But on television and on magazines these women are so made up.  They usually look nothing like that.  They put so much makeup on them and air brush their flaws in the magazines.  It is all for show.  So you can't compare yourself to any of this and have it come out fairly.  The women my age are now all getting face lifts and boob jobs.  I tell you they look like their faces are frozen to smile.  It looks stupid in my opinion.  Some of them end up really messed up.

Gillian, My granddaughter will be three in February, on the 13th.  We were wishing for the fourteenth but she was a day earlier.  They are so cute at that age.  How are you doing?  Are you going to see your ex on New years eve.  You are so cool and open minded, I find that it is good for your kids at this point.  I know that you have had it rough, but you came out of everything just fine and I am proud of you.  Don't ever cut yourself short, because you are doing good actually.  I think of you often.  Hoping if I ever run into a situation like you have that I could handle it well like you did. 

I hope that you all have a wonderful and joyous New years.  I myself will stay home.  I don't like to go out on New years eve.  I worry about other drivers, though a lot of them get a designated driver these days which is good.  Also the cops will take people home if they call them.  I think, our county is kind of broke, so it is hard to say, but I am sure there are some who still do it just to keep the roads safe.  You are a wonderful bunch of ladies and I wish for all of you peacefulness in ringing in the new year.  And a happy and healthy year to come.

Luv and Hugs,

getting by