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Wife with depression, what to do feel lost, helpless?

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Posted 12/10/2007 3:23 PM (GMT 0)

Hello Honey Bee,

Well that is exactly what I have been thinking I believe that she may also be suffering from BP.  Her actions are that of those others on the forum with this illness.  However I know she does not want to hear that word or even think that she is on the BP side.  I want to help her find herself and get her the right treatment.  I do find myself really watching what I do or say to her to not set her off, when she gets upset she explodes like I have never seen her do before and I wonder where all this hatred comes from. 

I asked her if she would consider seeing a therapist for help and she asked me to send her the information and she would look into it.  She says that her councelling is helping her and she likes her councellor but I don't feel that this is cutting it when it comes to dealing with her issues.  All she does is focus on the past and how terrible our marriage has been for her.  When I look at it I cannot she the "terrible" that she is talking about.  She remembers vividly all of our arguments and cannot move forward in our relationship.  I know that we have had some rough spots in our marriage but not enough to warrant a divorce.  I want to work on myself to improve on my faults and I am really trying to improve and I think I have.  She doesn't even want to give me a chance to see the change taking place with me.  On the flip side she doesn't look to see where she can improve herself in order to work with me to a successful and healthy marriage.  I have never heard her say that she is working on her to improve our marriage, all she can say is that we have nothing but problems and have issues that we need to work on.  I believe that together we can overcome any obstacle that comes our way.  I truly believe that love will get us through, but is it enough?  She says she doesn't miss me or miss talking to me and I am in great pain with this. I cannot just call her to say I love you or anything cause she is so angry with me.  When she gets mad she gets really bad to the point where she loses focus on things.  She gets bad headaches and then her anxiety starts to get high.  That is where she stops all conversations and says I cant do this anymore I don't want to feel like this.  This has interfered with her job and at times she won't even call into work she just won't show up.  I was thinking that she may be suffering from BP as well, many other people have said the same.  She even act so immature almost as like a child and tells me that if I can't have things my way then it just won't work cause everything has to be my way.  That is not the case but she needs to help come to a healthy conclusion to things too.  I am a very understanding person and i can compromise like any other person.  I cannot do this alone though i need her to help me in my situation too. 

These negative thoughts seem to just take her over and then its starts the rollercoaster ride.  She goes way back into the past when we argue almost as if it had been yesterday.  She brings up all this bad and seems to overlook the positive that has come out of our relationship.  I just don't know she did tell me that she doesn't know what she feels inside, she feels like there is just a big dark hole inside or her and just seems so lost as to any decisions that she is making.  She told me a few weeks ago that she would not be going to councelling if she didn't want to make our marriage work and that is what she was working on but that she needed to find herself first in order to work on us.  I can see what she means if she doesn't know what is wrong with her and she needs to find her happiness within her but not at the expense of our marriage.  I feel that she thinks if we part that this will be the solution to her problems when deep down I know this will not solve any of our problems.  So how do I get her to a Dr that can help her and really analyze her and her situation?  I can't be to overbearing for fear i will push her further away I really have to watch what i do and how I do it.  Thank You for all your help and concern and as always keep me in your prayers for I will keep all you in mine!

Posted 12/10/2007 11:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hey cris1

All of the things you say and her actions and behaviour are familiar to me. BP can cause people to seem very immature and self-centred, they can seem like 2 completely different people to the person they are married to and it is totally confusing for both parties. What you have to remember is that when they are in ONE MODE they think that this is their 'normal' state and cannot imagine feeling another way. Then when they are in another mode they can be completely different and cannot imagine the other state of mind. It is a really terrible disorder and in the end I feel for you both as your wife is ill and I am sure does not want to feel like this and deep down will feel some regret after treating you this way even if she does not say it. Often people have a lot of self-loathing which they may or may not make obvious to even those closest to them. Acting like a child is a good description as my hubbie would often cancel things that he knew were very important to me at the very last minute without a second thought but it was just his way of getting out of a stressful situation that he felt he couldn't cope with and I am talking big commitments here - it is the fight or flight response to things.

Remembering things vividly can also be a common factor among BP sufferers. My hubbie does the exact thing himself and can take himself back to any argument/bad experience in his past and feel again how he felt at that time in an instant. He often says that if he could erase his memory he would do. It would be worth it for him to get rid of the good experiences as well as the bad as it is very hard for BP sufferers to let things from the past go and move on. That is why it gets harder for them in later life NOT easier as they usually have a whole load of negative experiences with friends/family/work that stack up and that they can then draw on to re-confirm things later on in life. It is very easy to make huge mountains out of what to us are molehills and not worth a second thought. I struggle to remember discussions we have had last week and he will pull out one small detail from a discussion he had with a family member 25 years ago!

You mention that she is on meds but is she seeing her GP or a psychiatrist. If she isn't I would really recommend that you try and get her an appointment with one. From reading your view it sounds like the counsellor is not having a very positive impact on her (sorry if I have read into it incorrectly). Obviously you have to deal with issues from her past but if she is not really focussing on resolution and moving forward then what is she getting out of it? Also if you do see many of her actions to be BP related it really is in her best interest to get properly diagnosed. We went for 18 years stumbling along before we finally discovered my hubbie was suffering from BP and it was like a big light going on - all of his behaviour fitted and we now had a name for his 'illness' which made things a lot easier to deal with for us both. She also needs to be on the correct meds and a psych will make sure of this. From our own and other peoples experiences general docs just do not have the time to deal with more serious mental illnesses of this kind.

Also, I meant to ask you whether others in her family suffer from anything similiar, i.e. depression, mood swings etc. You probably know that it is often hereditary and usually when people suffer from it you can see it spread throughout their family and their family's behaviours (if they are not diagnosed). Do they also 'explode' into rages and is her family dysfuntional at all. No family is perfect but when you are brought up in a certain environment you think it is normal for everyone to act like this and treat each other in a certain way. It was only when my hubbie met me and spent time with our family that he realised there was something very wrong with his own dad and sisters behaviour!

Maybe explain to her that depression and BP, mental illness are no different to someone who is diabetic for instance and has to rely on medication to keep them well. If the chemicals are not right in your brain then you have to take medication to fix the problem - in the end it is a physiological fault with her own brain chemistry that is causing the problems. She did not ask to feel this way and it is not her fault that she does. It is not something you can usually control on your own for long periods of time.

You are totally right in that you cannot do this alone. You will I am sure have read on the other forum that until the person concerned realises they have a problem you are fighting a losing battle and if nothing changes and you feel you have done everything you can do from your end to rectify things you need to look very closely at where your own future lies. It is a tough life even when you both know the pitfalls. Parting can often seem like the 'ideal' solution when in a certain frame of mind as in a very simplistic way the person can think that their problems are going to disappear which seems ludicrous even to them when they are more lucid. My hubbie has come up with some truly ridiculous ideas in his time which we joke about now!

As for getting her to the doctor again this is hard if she doesn't want to acknowledge that there is a more serious underlying problem. Is it worth going to yours (if you feel comfortable with talking to them) about possible strategies. Do you also talk to her counsellor or could you? Obviously they are not going to break their confidentiality but could you ask your wife if you could maybe talk to her or go to one of her appointments? I do appreciate how delicate this issue is and do not often go to my hubbies psych appointments BUT if I think that he is going through a really bad period and things are serious I will insist on going with him and giving his psych a FULL picture as it were (in the nicest way of course).

Also I am thinking that you may get more suggestions re getting her help from others on the BP forum as many will have had similar experiences. Maybe copy the key elements from this thread and post on there - they are a very helpful and caring bunch of people like this forum?

In the meantime keep your chin up

Honey Bee :-)

PS. Oh dear my post is even longer than the last one tongue

Post Edited (Honey Bee) : 12/10/2007 4:48:28 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/11/2007 3:40 PM (GMT 0)

Hello Honey Bee,

Well Thank You for all your help and finally I get to talk to someone with a very similar situation.  I do feel that she makes a big mountain out of mole hills as where the rest of us see things totally different and just keep pushing forward and forget the negative that has happened in the relationship.  It is due to this that she says her feelings for me have changed and she can't see me as she once did.  She says she doesn't feel the same way for me and she doesn't think that she can ever see me as she once did when things were good between us, however she says that those were very seldom and rare. 

When she starts a new job the workload between balancing life and work and kids seems almost unbearable for her.  As her situation changes she gets stressed out and can't seem to function properly.  She also stated that she has been wanting a divorce for about a year now but didn't know how to tell me that.  But that through her councelling she has become a stronger more confident person and has realized alot about herself.  However i do feel that her councelling has been counter productive to what is really going on with her and with our marital situation.  I have spoken with my family and they too say the same thing, that her councelling has not helped our marriage instead that it has hindered her and our marriage.  I feel that she goes in and just tells all the negative of our marriage and I know that she is very confused and doesn't know what to do but she says she knows that she wants a divorce.  I did mention to her that she should see a pshyc. but she said that it is no different that what she is doing now and that even if she went it wouldn't change our status because she won't change her mind.  I mean she has been depressed for over a year but I don't feel that it is truly depression, like I said before I think she has other issues within herself that she doesn't realize. 

Others in her family also have anxiety disorders, social disorders, her adoptive sister is BP, and all her other adoptive family have similar disorders.  She says her family is very loving and very different from what I grew up with and just seems to think that all relationships are rosy and warm without argument or disagreement.  Her family is very different from what I am used to they stick close together but for any holidays it is just them without any other family coming over and spending time.  They don't go anywhere for holidays they stay home and watch t.v and just all hang out together.  My family makes a big deal for holidays and the whole family gathers for all holidays and its awesome to all get together. 

She does just seem to focus on the now and not on what is truly the best possible solution for the better of anything else but only on what she feels is important to her.  She says that I can put things into perspective for her cause I look at the big picture and can help her make decisions for the future.  She is also very bad with money, She has always been bad with money she is very impusive and if she wants it she gets it without thinking of what bills could have been paid or what she will do when there is no more.  This was another one of our big problems and had many argument due to the fact that she could have done without this item or was it really necessary right now to buy this. In just the last two weeks she has spent over 300 dollars and who knows on what.  I have worked very hard for the things I have since I was 16, I started working saving money and this has allowed me to cover any major expenses that come up.  She has nothing to show for anything that she has worked or even bought on her own.  She is terrible about taking care of things too.  A new vehicle that we bought has been in total disarray.  Vehicles that she has had have all been wrecked and damaged to the point that they barely even run good anymore.  She just jumps in and drives without thinking of getting them serviced often, or even if they have oil in them. 

Our future is very certainly going to end with a divorce but she seems to want to hold on to something still.  She wants to go and hang out as a family and still do things together even if we are not together.  She wants to remain close freinds and still talk about things that are going on.  She told me yesterday It is only a divorce not an annumlent, so if we did end up back together we would only have to get married through the law and go on a second honeymoon.  She did say she wouldn't seek an annulment unless she wanted to get married again but that that would not be for a very long time.  She says she is not looking for any relationship and won't for a long time.  I asked her to give me time in my councelling so that she could see the changes in me but she says she doesn't want to live her life in limbo until that happens cause she just wants to not be tied down, she wants to go and come as she pleases and not have to worry about me or anything else she just wants to be free. 

I believe that she truly needs to find herself still and she has lots of work on her own part to have to worry about us.  I told her divorce will not solve any of her problems and she realizes that things are going to be tough for her as we do have three children together.  All she is focusing on is getting set free from me and I feel that she thinks she will not have anymore problems.  She says she has thought about all of this and realizes it but if she truly has why has she just given up on our marriage and not want to make things better for our future?  All she can reply with is I have given you lots of chances and I am tired of all this tired of trying to make things work.  She says I have seen the changes in you already but you still have to change and really work on you.  I think she is a very lost and confused child that doesn't know any better.  It is just to easy to say I want out and thats that i don't want to rebuild our relationship.  I mean she is very important to me she is my wife and I do love her dearly, she says that I have pushed her away with everything that we have been through and she is just tired of it.  I did tell her that it takes two to dismantle a marriage and asked her to look at herself and see what she did.  I don't think this is possible for her though she seems to think that she has no faults or did anything wrong in this marriage.  Most of the blame is focused on me and my actions rather than us. 

She doesn't feel that she needs to she a pshyc.  cause her councelling is helping her get better.  She says she has come a long way but still want to continue her councelling.  I think its just a bag on me and focus on your problems rather than getting to the true source of her and her problems.  The bigger picture is not visible to her or her councellor and i don't think that she will want me mettling in her sessions as she is very private about them and won't even tell me what they are working on all she says is they are working on her and helping her to truly be who she is by being more vocal and as she says not being a door mat for anybody.  She has found strength in being able to speak up and say things that she wouldn't have normally done. 

Once again thanks for all the insight I appreciate your help and I pray for all in these situations cause god knows it a tough journey but I would do anything to help her and want to be with her but I do want her better.  I truly believe that she will end up looking back and regretting this decision but I cannot sit here and wait for her until she finds herself.  I love her to death and would do anything for her and she knows this. 

Posted 12/27/2007 8:23 PM (GMT 0)
Wow Cris. Just know that you are certainly not the only one going through this. I just made my 1st post here and then after reading yours- I should have just did a copy/paste. Man- I could not love my wife any more than I do. I know I'm a good man- people have been coming out of the woodwork to tell me that it's time for me to leave her. I mean her own father, brother and sister have all said SAVE YOURSELF. But I'm not going anywhere.

As soon as my wife feels that depressive mood coming on- it's ALL ME. We were having Christmas diner for our families at our home this year. She was stressed out because it didn't look like any of her family was going to come. The ones mentioned above are all basically like "she's crazy",and her Major Depressed mother didn't want to come because I was there (hello- it's MY home). but she'll do anything to keep my wife as depressed as she is. Anyway- I stopped at my mothers house to drop some food off early in the morning and she had me open a few gifts. I walk into the house with them and my wife explodes and tells me she's going to spend Christmas with her mother because I already opened my gifts. It was socks, 2 t shirts and a SWEATER! 20 minutes later, she acts as thought it never happened. It's TOUGH!

When we talk about our relationship, like yours, all she knows is the bad. I remind her of how many things that we've done where we both said "that was the best time of my life" and she just shakes her head like she doesn't even believe they've happened. I've made mistakes in our marriage- several, but I've apologized for all of them and busted my hump to be better. I'll ask her "don't you see a change in me", and she'll say yes- but... BEFORE BEFORE BEFORE! I've read a ton of information on how to be more supportive and they all suggest being of more assistance around the house so now- I do it ALL. Let me tell you how great it was wrapping xmas gifts for 3 kids until 3am on xmas eve while she "took a nap". But- you have to do it. Ghandi said- "be the change you want to see", I figure if I literally do all of the things that she used to complain about me not doing- what's left for her to say. Eventually she's going to want to go on one of her depressed rants and will have NOTHING to say- but that's not working either. This morning she was ticked off that I was making my own lunch for work because she wanted to do it.

Just last friday she told me she wanted a seperation, regrets us being married, and said that we're no good together. I didn't argue or fight, I just said "do you want a divorce", and she said no. I encouraged her to keep talking now that I've learned more about depression and the fact that most of what she says, while it's in her head and she may see it as true at that moment, is complete and total untruth so now I don't have to defend myself from every little accusation or unfair blame. With depressed people, there is always something else behind what they are saying. She spoke long enough for me to eventually find out that it ISN'T me. My wife is trying to seperate herself from me not because she thinks I'm so bad- but it's just the opposite. She feels like I deserve better and it frustrated the heck out of her to think that she can't give me all I deserve, when in reality, all I want from her is love and affection and she can't even find a way to give me that. So what I've done is back off- instead of a long speech about how much I love her every day- I just give her one quick I love you and kiss on the cheek. Instead of my typical sweet emails, it's just a quick- "I'm thinking about you". I HATE IT- but I know it's taking a lot of pressure off of her and little by little things are changing. 2 weeks ago my unemotional wife called the radio station and gave a 5 minute speech thanking me for hanging in there with her. Of course- within a week she was calling me unsupportive- BUT, I'm at a point where I know it's the Depression talking and I can seperate the truth from the misery.

I'm in the same boat as you my friend and my only advice would be to fight as hard as you can- but fight with a strategy. What I've learned about myself is that I press to hard to make things right everyday. I had to switch my focus to the long term and just say that I HAVE to suck it up now or I'm just as guilty as she is if it all ends. It's not easy to not touch or hug and kiss my wife like I want and need to- and trust me- my heart is suffering for it. But you know what- there's no one I'd rather suffer through somethign with than her. If the outcome isn't positive, then I'll know I've done EVERYTHING in my power to help US- and that's something I'll never regret and neither will you.

best of luck to you
Posted 1/8/2008 6:46 PM (GMT 0)

Hello leave,

Wow Ya i know what your going through and I totally understand the mixed emotions and all that sort of thing.  My wife and I are currently facing a divorce and I can relate to everything that you are saying as well.  I would also suggest to you not to back off and let her know that you love her and that you are there for her.  Little gifts may help too just to let her know that you are thinking of her.  If she is willing and lets you there is plenty of power in touch and especially talks.  I know the feeling of wanting to back off and let things be and I have to a point.  We talk every now and again but we can still wind up in scuffles no matter what I say or do.  Just yesterday I asked her a question and she got all upset and really just acted with so much hatred towards me.  I asked her why she hated me so much and she insisted that she doesn't hate me but that I just can really make her angry.  Ouch! not a pleasant feeling.  I have discovered to that she has not truly gained her independance from her parents and is like a lost child not knowing what to do.  I know that her family would love nothing more than for us to get divorced since they are her rock and comfort.  I feel that deep down she is taking this route because of the pressure from her family.  I can only hope that she comes around sometime soon and will realize what the heck she is doing to our family. 

  I understand its hard when all they can look at is the negative in the relationship and its tough on you and everyone else but hang in there and really try to connect with your wife and don't stop fighting for the one you love.  I wish you the best and hope that your situation improves.  My prayers are with you and I hope you all the best. Thanks for your reply and its nice to know that there are others out there that are in the same situation and i am not all alone with this Thanks.

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