Finished with Depressed wife

hi chico,
i feel lost too as my husband is finding faults and fighting over trivial things ,and moreover thinks i am planning something against him but i ignore and blame his disease (BP)WHICH is not right i know ,but partners need to know how much is too much,i am a lost soul like you but hope keeps me alive,keep smiling and hope for best ,have a heart to heart talk with her and surprise her with some goodies ,see if it works..
good luck
keep posting
hugs
katy

Hi Chico~

I am sorry to hear that things have not gone well for you and your wife.  It makes me sad that depresion has once again destroyed a union that may have been God's purpose.  The other thing I guess what saddens me is the way her depression is visible.  I know that many people that suffer from depression handle life similar to what your wife has and I truthfully cannot say that my depression has ever presented itself that way.

 

I talked with my counselor last week and I asked her why my actions hurt other people.  She reminded me that I have an axisII personality disorder and this is ignited when I feel threatened or intacipating a major loss which then goes into defense mode.  I asked her why I wasnt like that when I was with my boyfriend and she stated that in my mind's eye, down deep inside, I never questioned his loyalty therefore my mind did not flood with those thoughts.  Only when I feel that I m not going to lose someone or something in my life like back then will I be able to feel secure like I did then.  I wonder if any of you have experienced this.

 

Chico, I am not sure to what extend your wife's depression has caused her to act out in the way she is but the most important thing is this......remember when I told you in an earlier conversation that you need to love her with every inch of your soul, BUT take care of yourself as well.

 

I dont know really at this point what to tell you, only you know the state of pain you are at.  Another important thing is that if this is not healthy for you, NEVER feel bad if you decide to go, remember this, you tried!!!!

 

You will be in my prayers

 

Chico
Sometimes it is time to go separate ways so people can heal.  I suspect all that is going on is not comfortable for your wife.  She needs help and only she can do that for herself.  I remember well your others posts so please do what you both feel is best to bring you some peace and happiness.

Kitt

Chico,
I just read a post in another forum you wrote and you referred to your wife as your honey.  Perhaps the day you posted here was just a bad day?  I hope so because your other post really hit me as sincere, that you care about your "honey".
Take care.
Kitt

Thanks to you all for your responses. Well, the wife and i had another, I call it a fight, she calls it a talk. Now she is telling me that i am the one that should see a doctor and be put on meds. The only meds i need some times i think is for anxiety. I told her we either, we need a seperation or a divorice. I do not want to be myself again, but i do not want to be misserable, and walking on egg shells. Yes i am a tight wad and a bad communicator, I have no problem problems communicating with other ppl. Because i am not fighting all the time with them. Her doctor told her not to work nights. So now she is using that against me. SHe works maybe 2-3 nights a week. 12 hours shifts. she is anurse, and it is not easy to find nursing jobs here. a town of 4500, next closes town with lots of nursing jobs would be 80 miles away. Bismarck. I do not like the idea of her working and staying in bis 3-4 days a week, for the simple reason, us being apart even though we fight. she says the reason is i don't want her to work in a different town is i am affraid she will like it there. Her family lives in bismarck. no biggie to me. i just don't think it is right if you are married to be away from each other that often. Yes in the back of my mind, it would be great. PEACE.

I am thinking that if you are ready for seperation or divorce, what would it matter if she does work far away?  It could save your marraige.  Like Kitt said, maybe the seperation would be good for both of you and it would still give you both the oppertunity for growth and time to think.  Maybe working the nights is hard on her, having her schedule all messed up.  So what would the harm be in letting her try it and see how it goes.  Plus maybe she could stay with her family and come home on her days off.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder and familiarity breeds contempt.  It may help. 

Hugs,

Karen

the wife went to see her grand kids in the cities. i called her last night and we had a darn good talk. I told her the things that bother her i will try change, like communication and doing things together. On the other side, i also need for her to quit harping on me about small things. i told her are all them small things worth us going our seperate ways. I told her to think about it and we will talk about it again. SOON. i also told her in order for me to communicate she has to quit them small things. and for us to do things together again. Ditto on the small things. Seemed to go pretty well. Time will tell.

Chico41,

Sincere wishes that your situation works out in your favor.

I'm new to this forum, i really just found it out of a desperate search ... i hate to hijack this thread, but many of you seem to have 'been there, done that' with this situation.

I just want to ask to those who have been there: how do you know when to give up trying or to give up? Is there a way to know? should one never give up?

I've been married to my wife for nearly 15 years, known her for 19 ... we have a lovely 8-year-old son ... he is the light of my life, and i love her dearly ... but my wife has been battling different cycles of the depression for nearly all of our time together.

I'll try not to ramble too long, but the depression, i think, can manifest itself in different ways - or maybe some things in life intensify it?

she has been to different doctors, on and off, and on different medications, on and over - most of the 15 years. Her father did have bipolar, and one of her two sisters has also been diagnosed and treated for depression. Her mother has also had some problems ...

my wife has postpartum depression after our son was born, was treated and seemed to be well for a few years ... but since i have known her, it's been a continuous steady cycle of steps forward, steps back -- but sometimes it's hard to tell what is just general life problems .. i also really apologize if i ramble, and i hope this makes some sense ....

long story short; she is very sensitive and caring (which i really love) but often holds thing in - i think from being mentally abused as a child by her parents and she watched them fight. but ny wife easily cries at anything, which does make discussing tough things in life even tougher ... she's had a fear of driving a car, but i did get her to drive; but her ability is limited.
as a result, that has limited her work options. She had had employment over the years, but if the company doesn't move away (a shame since see loved the job) ... there always seems to be a difficulty where she just 'has to leave.' They were switchboard, customer service jobs, so i understood. she then wanted to go to school for something entry level in the health care field ... she completed about one year of a two-year program when she suddenly stopped going. she realized she really couldn't work with the patients on a daily basis .... she didn't return to school or work for the next year, but then decided she wanted to take online courses to enter the medical billing/coding field ... things seemed to be going well for the past year, but in late jan 2008 she was injured in a car accident (no fault of her own).

we think it some sort of nerve damage which has triggered back/shoulder pain and headaches ... but she has taken a leave from school (understandable) ... but i think i feel her slipping away again ... i can just tell ... when she's not depressed her voice and face are different and she has a smile and glow to her eyes ... she's beautiful and i love her very much ... but when she is troubled, all of that goes away ... it's like she's a different person ...

so as a result, we've essentially been living on only my income for most of our marriage .. so that would explain the tension about money, which i realize all couples have ..

and couples also argue about sex ... we couldn't successfully have "relations" because she said it was painful (again, totally understandable). Flash forward to our honeymoon (day or two AFTER our wedding), when we were going to try again, but she declined and said she 'just couldn't' ... the first year of our marriage was basically living in denial of the situation ... but entering our second year, she did she a therapist and eventually we went to a marriage./sex therapist for a year. THAT was very successful and we were literally able to finally consummate our marriage two years to the day later ... '95-'99 were actually fantastic. she had a steady job, we saved up for a house, had steady sex ... (her father did pass away in this time, but she dealt well with it). she was treated for postpartum depression after our son was born, but i thought that was successfully treated. but since he has entered kindergarten, essentially, she has struggled with school and finding a steady satisfying job ...

hate to be too honest, but even after the sex/marriage counseling, she was still rather modest when it came to sex. i've always felt that i've never been able to please her in that aspect, but she said she doesn;t mind. i've always felt like i've been twisting her arm or nearly forcing her ... i've tried not initiating, but then we usually go long spans without ...

but do folks understand how it's been a mix of diagnosed depression and real-life challenges?

I can't tell any longer what is depression, side effects of depressions, remnants of unresolved childhood issues ... as a result over the years, i have become nervous, anxiety ridden and sometimes just a wreck. I never know what is going to happen next (yes, i know that's life ...) and i'm not saying i'm a saint to live with ... but i have held steady employment, done additional chores outside my job to bring in extra money ... tried to emotionally support her education efforts ....

but sometimes i just feel like crying ... i want to have regular sex w/ my wife without it seeming like i'm twisting her arm ... any sort of second income would be a help ... but if she doesn't return to school when her car accident injury heals ... which i fear she won't ... i fear i'll lose it .. (not hurt her obviously, but i think i'm gonna sit right down and cry. and i'm a big guy).

i think we've been able to shelter our son from most of the side effects, but as he gets older, he notices more ...

again, i am SO sorry for this long, rambling diatribe .. something about anonymity that makes you spill your guts ... i've typed stuff i haven't ever said to a soul .. tho i've had other friends and family members hint around the subject, but i always try to put the best spin on the situation.

I don't want this turn into a pity party for me, but ... it's been 15 years of marriage, and we had about four great years ... i hope i don't seem like i'm basing the entire marriage on money and sex, i'm really not trying to ... i don't think i ever openly throw it up to her face ... and i've remained totally faithful, never once thought of straying, leaving, cheating ... but i have to admit, i'm terribly frustrated when i see friends with wives who are more aggressive and have carved a more independent path in the world; they work, they drive, they have multiple children so they must have sex ...

i really don't want to appear as the evil monster husband (guess i have ... ) but ... i don't know what to do any longer ...

is there a way to know when something is beyond repair? in our case, i fear it will just be this endless cycle ... i'm hoping it won't affect our son as he gets older, but ...

and again, sometimes i don';t know if it's just depression or difficulties in dealing with life's daily struggles ...

to anyone who has read to the end - thank you - not even sure i know what i'm asking for ... this scenario sound familiar to anyone else out there?

thank you

thank you, karen - i really do appreciate your help and advice ... i guess my long entry wasn't THAT confusing, i don't seem to have lost you!

no, we don't really fight ... not to say we don't argue ... but nothing violent or abusive ... good, or bad, thing .. is that both of our parents DID fight and hit each other and scream, throw dishes, etc ... we both vowed that we didn't want to grow up in that type of household -- aside from some raised voices, my sarcasm and her tears ... that's about as bad as it gets ...

she has struggled with her weight over the years (i don't struggle, i've always been heavy, so i'm no prize right out of the gate!) ... and i don't want this to turn into a sex thing, but ... i've been pawing her and telling her that for years ... have done the lotions, candles ... have helped her and tried to support her self-workout program: weights, all sorts of gadgets, exercise DVDs, etc .. she hasn't been able to work out since the injury and i've noticed a real decline since she has stopped working out ... but even in the best of years, after the marriage and sex counseling ... i just think her natural (?!) sex drive is low .. i know you can't believe everything you read or see on tv, but when i actually hear a woman talk about wanting and enjoying sex ... i'm almost to the point of not believing it, or it sounds like a foreign language to me ... (again, sorry to ramble) ...

she has tried various medications over the years ... most seem to trigger headaches, foggy thinking or other adverse reactions ... last march, she had been seeing one of her sister's doctors, and he increased the dosage of her medication. Long story short, she ended up passing out w/ extremely low blood pressure and was hospitalized. that was a law suite we should have pursued ... but as a result, she said she never wants to go back on medication ... sigh ...

see, i'm just so confused ... the low sex drive, inability/indecision on careers/schooling ... i don't even know if it is linked to depression or something else? all those things are really just real-life challenges?

but between you and me, i think there are unresolved childhood issues, most likely physical abuse. I believe her sister alleges her mom hit her, but my wife has no recollection.

>>>>Never give up, remember for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

yes i know ... and believe me, i am trying ... but i am hiding behind this anonymity to vent, i guess (no other person on the planet knows these thoughts, i guess except you and whoever else reads this..)

i am afraid to go to joint counseling again, because i really feel that one more thing ... dropping out of school, another month or so w/o sex, failure to get a job ... i just feel like i'm going to throw up my hands in disgust.

i obviously don't want a divorce or to harm my son, but ... on the jealous, selfish side ... i'm just so bloody sick of trying to be the strong understanding husband (gosh, i'm so ashamed to type that, but i admit - sometimes i think it) ...

then i find all that I wanna do is eat more, drink more, seclude myself .. away from her ... sometimes it's like lliving with a platonic relative or a roommate you have a crush on that you kiss and playfully swipe at (the normal extent of our love life, all with promises of "more ... soon")

i also have to sound like a ... 'randy' selfish husband, but ... well, a guy does have needs .... i thought waiting 2 years to consummate our marriage was actually quite patient .. i hate to say it, but my patience is wearing thin ...

but deep down, i'm a wimp and will probably just suck it up and continue on, like i have ... one this confession passes ....

i don't know if i'm asking for help or advice ... or just asking if anyone else has been in a similar situation with a spouse -- and what did they do?

again - sorry for rambling and i do appreciate your compassion and concern ... thank you!