I need hope

I'm a college student who is facing a ton troubles right now and as a result it's really been affecting me emotionally and physically.

First and foremost, my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me. We were very serious and talked about getting married, even looked at rings. This is absolutely devastating for me. I've been in relationships before but none like this. I can't imagine going on without him and I really don't want to (though the small sensible part of me tells me to get over it). It's just so hard though.

My mom just found out she has cancer (she's only in her 40's). She should be ok though.

My grandfather has been in and out of the hospital.

My uncle is being convicted of manslaughter.

I'm taking a very stressful courseload this semester. I've broken down crying more than once about it. I'm taking 15 classes, 10 of which meet frequently. On top of that, I don't even know if I want to keep my major anymore. I've been thinking about switching, but I'm about halfway through college and I'd have to start all over again.

I was having money issues for awhile and was unable to buy groceries but that seems to be over with now.

All of these issues have come up in the past month. My boyfriend, who means so much to me, just left me and wants nothing to do with me. He insulted my personality, saying I don't have a deep side and I'm immature. The fact that he won't even try to work out our issues (basically we spent too much time together... easily fixable) hurts a lot. He's says he loves me but he doesn't even want it to work. He talks about how other girls would make him happier than me. He just doesn't understand, I was never really happy until we got together. Each day things only got better and better. Sure the initial butterflies feeling left months ago for me, but the deeper love only got stronger and stronger.

All of these things keep happening to me! Except for the classes, I have absolutely no control over what goes on in my life anymore. All I see is hopelessness. My boyfriend, who should be supporting me at this difficult time in my life, doesn't even care anymore. I have friends that support me but I still feel all alone. I have thought of suicide quite a few times and while it's tempting, part of me wants to keep going. I guess I'm just scared to.

I've lost 15 pounds. I sleep 2-3 hours a night now and eat hardly at all. At the worst, I've gone 3 days without eating a thing. It's not that I don't want to eat or sleep. I've tried. I have no appetite and when I try to eat I get nauseous. I can't fall asleep at night even with over the counter sleeping pills and relaxing music. When I do fall asleep, I wake up a few hours later upset, and I can't sleep after that.

I went to my doctor and talked to him and he put me on Celexa. I've only been on it 3 days though so obviously I'm not going to feel the effects yet. He also urged me to get face-to-face counseling which I have not yet had on opportunity to do though I want to.

I just want my life back! I want to eat and sleep normally. I want to see every day as anything other than a black abyss. I want to see hope and a future. I want to stop crying every hour. I want my boyfriend back too but I don't think that's going to happen. I just want to be ME again!!

How can I deal with all this and not go crazy?

You have so much going on......

I really think you should meet up with Scotty66 and confused22, they are both in a similar situation to yours. 

You sound like you are taking the right course in getting on medication, unfortunatley, they do not always work quickly.  I hope the best for you and, please, keep posting and getting to know us, and us you. 

That sounds like a good idea.  It will keep your mind busy and you will still be gaining ground. 

I am glad that the survival rate is good with the type of cancer your mom has.  I think that the radiation treatment is a lot easier to weather than that of chemotherapy.  You don't get nearly as sick, though everybody is different as to the way that their bodies react.  A lot of people tolerate it well.  I wish the best for your mom.  I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. 

What is your major in college?  I don't believe that you said.  I am glad that you are hanging in there, I think that lightening your load is a good idea.  You sure are taking a lot of classes. 

You sound like you have a good attitude, I think that helps a lot when you are under a lot of stress.  But it sounds like you are keeping it together.  Just keep hanging on, you are stronger than you think.  I can tell.

I hope that you have a great night.

Hugs,

Karen