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Feeling so down, smoke more cigarettes, girlfriend needed space

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Posted 3/12/2008 3:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, my name is Styves from NY, I feel so depressed and neglected. My girlfriend and I lived for 3 years together and about 10 days ago she split up w me, needed her space. Things went down hill because my ex wife gave me so many problems, lots of frustration, we have 2 beautiful little girls. I am 32 and she is 24. She still say she loves me and misses me however she also say that she can promise to be my best friend and not my girlfriend right now. She calls me every day. I am constantly crying cause I am in love w her and I know she is as well but she is the type that hides her feelings and emotions. She still wears the friendship ring I gave to her and the heart shaped necklace every day w/o ever taking then off. She stated she is not looking for anyone else and I told her so myself. She wants me to get back on my feet and be the man I used to be when we met then she'll see. She wants me to show her I can by myself which I am already doing. She is my soulmate, she told me that I was as well. Her family loves me dearly and is very sad to see what is going on between us. Her mother told me to back off for a while and she will realize what she is missing cause I am a very  good man and father, very supportive and respectful. She also has to get her life together, just got a new job. I am so scared to lose her that I think of her all the time. Please all your replies will help me tremendously, I don't know what to do w myself and do not want to lose her, I also hope there is noone else, I did confront her about it and she looked me straight in the eyes and said there is noone else.

Thank you very much in advance.

Posted 3/12/2008 5:32 PM (GMT 0)
I dont think I'm quite clear on this-is your girlfriend the one you're missing or your ex-wife?

Regardless, I think you should really try and tell her everything you said here. How you cry all the time and maybe lose all other focus on things(?)
If you really love this girl, I really think you should leave her be for a few days. After a while, she'll come to her senses and if she feels the same about you that you do about her, she'll come back. If you wait a long time and there ends up being no communication between the two of you, write her a heartfelt nice letter. I am horrible at writing and I hate letters, but I know from personal experience that they seem to make everything better when you give it a shot.

It sounds like this girl isn't worth losing, so hold on tight. If it still bothers you have a sit down with her family, or just her mother.

I hope this helps somewhat:)
take care and keep us posted
Posted 3/12/2008 10:17 PM (GMT 0)
I honestly think that you should do as she asked. Try to get back on your feet and give her a little space. She evidently came to some type of crossroad in her life and I think you should let her sort it out. I don't think that there is anybody else either. So give her some space and work on yourself. I am sure you will be back together in time. I think that persuing her at this time would only push her farther away.

Karen
Posted 3/12/2008 10:33 PM (GMT 0)

Hello and I am sorry for your problems.............I do agree with Karen.  Giving your girlfriend some space may help her to better sort out what is on her mind.

If you continue to feel so depressed you may want to make an appointment for a physical with your PCP.  Sometimes talking to someone who is there just for you helps you put a new spin on what is happening.

Take Care
Kitt

Posted 3/13/2008 9:19 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Kit, Hi Karen, and behindtheseeyves wow thanks so much for the support and real talk. Yesterday I went to see my girls and My Jamie was very happy to see me and told me how much she misses me. Today she called and as I did not expect she said " I do love you so much!!" So I have really been giving her some real space, taking care of things such as fixing my credit etc... She did her hair with the same blonde streaks as when we met and I complimented her by saying " You look fantastic" So I was just smoking a cigarette outside and she did call to say that she would be home after work in like 15 minutes which she did, we both were blushing so much like 2 kids, had dinner w her mom and the kids, then sat on the couch, she fell asleep and also put both legs on me, taking her shoes off so I gave her a little foot massage and she was smiling really a lot. Does space also mean no sex, it's been like 10 days so far, some friends were telling just bad things but as I know her, she gets freaky here and there since after the kids. If a month goes by would that mean that she has someone else but just does not want to hurt my feelings or that it is just a part of the Space situation or she is testing me. I can wait for her forever, in my past relationships, I could just move on but with her, no way I can't even if I try and that's the truth. Since yesterday, I feel less depressed and think about us less but she is in the back of my mind. We hugged for like 5 minutes, she always insist that I call her when i get home and to drive safely. One of my close friend's dad died 2 days ago and she asked me if she could come along to the funeral home and I said yes, I did not except that at all, thought she hated me at time.

Steve

Posted 3/13/2008 9:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Ladies, also what is the best song right now i should post on myspace and I had put my title as "Love is just not it" Should I change that, does it sound negative. I have the video of "True Companion" because that is her favorite song.
Posted 3/13/2008 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
How about "if everyone cared" by Nickelback? Something different and it makes a statement.

Karen
Posted 3/13/2008 9:55 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen, let me just go and listen to it, also I wrote something else before, did u read it, I signed Steve instead of Styves to make it easier on everyone.

Thanks,

Steve
Posted 3/13/2008 10:03 PM (GMT 0)
so glad that you're feeling better!
im really happy for you that things are starting to turn around. keep on this path and you'll feel much better in the future as well.
as for the sex thing, im not too sure but it wouldnt hurt to have a convo about it.

i wish you all the best!
Posted 3/14/2008 1:31 AM (GMT 0)
Steve,

I don't know how I missed your post. I am so happy for you! She evidently just needed a little time. I really think that she cares about you. I don't know if you will want that song now, you probably want something more romantic. I will try to think of something.

hugs, Karen
Posted 3/14/2008 2:52 AM (GMT 0)
I'll add my two copper pennies about the sex thing....I know guys are all about the act.... women, not so much. We want the connection in little ways, for everything to feel like it has a deeper meaning, the hugs, the holding hands, ask about the day, the walks, *the foot rub was excellent*, etc.....to be made to feel like we are the absolute only one in your world at that very moment. Then, that leads to more. One month without could be a drop in the bucket if you were having problems before....she needs to feel like things are being repaired. You say that she wants you to prove you can take care of yourself, does this mean maybe she was taking care of all the little things, maybe writing the checks, feeding the animals, picking up things for the house, taking phone calls....I guess I'm not sure exactly what it means, but if you don't know, you need to find a way to ask her... But to me, with her contacting you and her making the move to come over and ask you if she could go to the funeral, it sounds like you are doing something right. She is showing you in HER little ways that she wants to be with YOU.....maybe she is also showing you the way it is she would like to be treated?

edited to add:  I thought of the perfect song, but I need to go find what the name of it is and who it is by....it is a country-ish song where the guy is telling the girl that he wants to know everything about her, he wants to drive down all the country roads she drove while growing up, wants to know all her secrets, wants to know everything there is to know about her.  I'll see if I can find it and get back atcha. 

Posted 3/14/2008 3:06 AM (GMT 0)
GOT IT! It is Rascal Flatts "Take Me There"

There’s a place in your heart, nobody's been,
Take me there.
Things nobody knows,
Not even your friends,
Take me there.
Tell me bout your momma, your daddy, your hometown,
Show me around,
I want see it all, don't leave anything out.

I want to know, everything about you THEN.
And I want to go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams, and wishes live,
Where you keep the rest of your life hid,
I want to know the girl behind that pretty stare,
Take me there.

Your first real kiss, your first true love,
You were scared.
Show me where,
You learned about life, spent your summer nights, without a care.
I want to roll down main street, the back roads,
Like you did when you were a kid,
What made you who you are,
Tell me what your story is.

I want to know, everything about you THEN.
And I want to go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams, and wishes live,
Where you keep the rest of your life hid,
I want to know the girl behind that pretty stare
Take me there.

Yeah,
I want to know, everything about you,
Yeah, everything about you baby.
I want to go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live,
Where you keep the rest of your life hid,
I want to know the girl behind that pretty stare.
Take me, take me, take me there,
Oh.

I want to roll down main street.
I want to know your hopes and your dreams.
Take me, take me there, Yeah.
Posted 3/14/2008 5:00 AM (GMT 0)
God I am so hoping it is not anyone. I know she wants things to be repaired. and as i was sitting around the table I lost all attention as her mother was talking to me lol and her mother laughted she said "over here now Steve" lol We spoke tonight as I always call to tell my kids goodnight then she kept me on the phone for a while, u know same, asking me what i was doing and I again stated I was really happy I saw her yesterday and how we both blushed w/o a care lol and we both laughted. Thanks so much for any replies you have.





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Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 3/14/2008 5:59:23 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/14/2008 5:08 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Sue, Karen, I chose the Song What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts, let me know if I did wrong.

Posted 3/19/2008 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry about my post didn't know minors etc would see that my fault. Well things have been not so good, she admitted she has been seeing someone else for a few days, her mother stated the family does not like him at all. She has been calling me though, do not understand what she really wants and does not know either I think. I don't call her she calls me. Her myspace still states in a relationship, our pics are still up. I am so lost right now, she still will not tell me who he is I only asked once. She still wears the ring, the necklace and the watch no matter what. What should I do, should I just update my myspace to single etc... delete pictures. She has been askg me when am I gettg my new apartment etc as if she wants to be w me. I am so hurt, I try not to think about her.
Posted 3/19/2008 5:24 PM (GMT 0)
I wonder why she wants to know if you got a new apartment? This is starting to sound like she is a little selfish, wants her cake and eat it too. Maybe I am wrong. But I would begin to wonder about her true motives here. Please don't feel that is is your fault. I think that it is her issue at her time. Maybe if she saw your myspace as single, she would start showing her true colors or at least start giving you some answers.

Either way, think of the kids and keep their best interest at heart, but don't let her hurt you anymore. You can only take so much.

hugs, Karen

And your song is sounding appropriate at this time.
Posted 3/20/2008 1:59 PM (GMT 0)
Exactly, it's like she wants me on the side or as a rebound, I am going to tell her I will not be her puppet on a string nor her rebound if anything fails. I don't believe she has been seeing this guy for just a few days only as well, it's just another lie. This is what she says before the move as per her words: "You can come see me at anytime (lie), u will sleep over here because I want you too, it's not going to be like that (lie) haven't slept there 1 night even if it's just for the kids, my daughters are so hurt right now and I only see them once a week, they were used to see me every day. My 2 year old is not mine as when we met, The GYN messed up the dates and it was for her ex cause we met 2 weeks later, he is not a responsible person and in and out of jail. I recognized her from day one, her family knows i am her only daddy. The second baby is mine, she is 10 months. How could she destroy something so good we have, I am devastated. Should I really take her back when she comes back crawling or end it for good, I don't even want to be her friend or best friend as she mentioned becaused if she does not realize it that was a shady move, I do not live by myself now just to get on my feet, that was her plan and excuse to hide the other guy that no one likes. For St Patricks day i was invited and he wasn't. Her grandmother and everyone else is hurting watching her destroy this beautiful family we have. She never really loved me and it was just for her interest until well money kind of ran out.

How should I approach her or should i just take care of my kids as usual and be really quiet around her because all i've shown so far were smiles and good attitude as if it never bothered me.

Posted 3/20/2008 2:22 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Papi,

I would be ther for the children and leave it at that.  She has a lot of growing up to do and if you are there for her at this time, I think it would enable her.  I think she needs to earn your trust back, if that is possible. 

Does she even care about the children?  I hope so, but she has problems with infadelities (sp).  And with telling the truth.  So I would take what she says with a grain of salt so to speak.  I don't think she can be trusted at this point.  But that is only my opinion, lets see what others have to say before you make any decisions.  I wish you could see the kids more.  I know they would love that.

I wish for you the best.  You sound like such a nice person and a good father.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 3/20/2008 4:52 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen, yes indeed I am. I just spoke to her as she called me and she is trying to blame me for not seeing them to often, I reminded her that she took me away from them, she stated she took me away from her life and that is so not being mature and at least admit it. Now my kids are hurting and is that because of me or because of her. I was there everyday for them. She had stated u can come by anytime etc... all lies. I told her I will not be her little fool any longer. She mentioned us to remain best friends however we already had that and more, I can't even be her best friend nor friend, because true friends are not shady toward the others and she treated like dirt. Don't know why she calls me so much but I can't tell her I still love her or anything else. I did tell her as well that it was just for space, her decision as well but then it was a second plan, how she promised not to see anybody etc. and or accused me of havg the first new girl etc... guess what I did love her for real, did plan a future for us and our family that she does not want to share. I just want to go away on a trip or move to a different state, i don't know. She shut me down so quickly, omg she never ever loved me and that is so hard to deal w. Some women already ask me out but I am not ready, I am so hurt still, usually i move on quickly but she was my soul mate, deep down I still have hope but then I can't trust someone like her at all.
Posted 3/20/2008 5:09 PM (GMT 0)

I think the children are hurting because of the situation, not necessarily anybodies fault.  If there was blame to be placed, I would put it on her.  Does she let you take the girls?  Maybe you should have them for a weekend or something, they shouldn't lose their father over this.  Or just take them to the park, something where she doesn't have to be involved.  This is so sad to me because the children are suffering because of her being immature.  Hopefully soon she will grow up and be the mother that they truly need.  Does she see to all of their needs?  Both physically and emotionally?  I sure hope so.  Have you thought about getting custody? 

I feel that you should be able to have more contact with the kids.  But not with her there all of the time.  Does she make you uncomfortable when she is there?  I know that she plays mind games with you, but does she argue or anything?  Or does she let you spend time with the kids uninterrupted?  It sounds like she has to be the center of attention.  Am I right?  If so that is just so immature.

I hope that you have a wonderful day,

hugs, Karen

Posted 3/20/2008 9:55 PM (GMT 0)
That is indeed correct about the immaturity. She lets me take the girls however I have explained to her that I live at my mother's friend house and cannot just impose my kids to her like that. Last time I slept at my cousins house. She does not make me uncomfortable just is playing touchy touchy games w me and I know what's what. She was always out of the house and rather smoke  and hang out w her girlfriend that have no solid relationship like we had and they have no kids. Some of them know the reality of what she did and even spoke w me but as of me not trusting them never said nothing just in case. Her mother takes care of them much better, she is a good mom but not so so good as I remember every night she neglected my girls and I and come home when they were sleep, her mom threatened to take them away, she even hit her own mother and to this day never apologized to her. Custody will come sooner or later. I started having more contacts w them was going there everyday after work until last week when things change, I hear this new guy can't bother even w my dog so now they are trying to get rid of it, I am so mad, I may not get a place for myself in time. Whatever is going on or what she does will get back to her sooner or later. She always wants to be the center of attention then blame others for everything. Well Karen, without even meeting me u already know what type of a man or person I am and that is truly appreciated. I switched my myspace to single don't know why she keeps her as in a relationship but my picture was always cut off for the longest before she posted, she claims I am her best friend but was never in her top friends. Time will tell however my kids are #1 in my life now and I certainly will never ever go back w her after all we have been through. I would feel bad if it was my fault but having her own family from mother to grandmother telling me I am the good and she is bad then I know I can remain stronger than ever.

Styves

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/20/2008 4:58:57 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/20/2008 11:09 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Styves,

You are deffinately doing the right things for your children.  I deleted one word in your post, I am new and I think that I was suppose to but we still know what you are talking about.  It is too bad that she would rather party than be with her children. 

People like her don't know what they are missing when they neglect to be with their children when they are young.  You can't get those years back.  And there are no memories to fall back on.  Women like that really get to me.  I am so sorry you have to deal with it, but I guess if it wasn't for her, you wouldn't have those beautiful children.   So keeping them at the utmost importance is top in your priority list. 

She sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do.  She sounds like a kid herself.  I am so happy that you are on top of things.

I am sorry about your dog, that is so uncool.  I am a dog lover.  I have taken in so many abused dogs and turned them into healthy pets.  I have two right now and don't know what I would do without them.  I have a german shepard and an australian/pitbull mix.  They are the greatest.  I hope you don't lose yours.  Is there somewhere else that you could keep him? 

Just keep in mind that you are doing the right thing.  You can't go wrong especially when it is for your children.  They must be the light of your life.  I am not suprised that her parents like you.  I bet they wish she would straighten up, I know that I do.  But you can't make her, I wonder if she is playing all lovey dovey because she knows that you could get those kids.  She might be thinking if she can keep peace with you that you wont go after custody.  I could be so wrong too. 

I hope that you have a wonderful evening.  Keep in touch.

Hugs,Karen

Posted 3/21/2008 2:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen, true indeed it must be just why or it must be just because if it all fails she wants to be w me as well. But for her to erase all these years in a flash no way. I have nowhere to put the dog and she is still in the house, her mother really do not want to get rid of her but Jamie never takes care of the dog, how can you forget to feed an animal and you are feeding yourself, that trips me out ya know. What disgust me the most is that I did give her our bedroom set and other things and I can't believe this guy sleeps over and stuff on our bed where just like 2 weeks ago we have not slept together into. OMG she is such not a good person, Thank God to show me her true personality.

Happy Easter to you Karen!!

Styves

Posted 3/21/2008 4:08 PM (GMT 0)

Good morning Styves,

I am so sorry for what you are going through, and you are right on, she isn't a very good person.  Not considerate at all as to what she is doing to you and your children. 

I am glad that your dog is still there, but she should be taking care of her.  I hope soon you will find a place where you can have your children and your dog. 

LIke you said, what comes around, goes around and she will have her day/days.  It will all fall back on her oneday.

I hope that you have a nice day and that good things come your way.   You are a very special person, always remember that.  And you are a good father.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 3/21/2008 4:47 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you so so Much Karen. I spoke to her mom and she was saying how much she would luv to see me on Easter Sunday as usual. It's crazy she will ask Jamie if she wants me there and her mom mentioned her boyfriend is not invited after I asked and she laughted and state "Not here he is coming" lol too funny

Styves

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