Need to get this out

I am home alone--bf away til tomorrow--and depression has been looming over me for the last few days.  I am really struggling right now.  It was a huge crash from where I was at the first part of the week. 

As I said, I'm really having a hard time right now, so I'm just going to write how I'm feeling to ppl who understand, and see if that brings me any relief, even if temporary.

The depression I'm feeling now is pretty bad.  I can't even bring myself to go for a walk or do anything really.  I'm trying.  I did take the dog out earlier, but the whole time I just wanted to come back in the house and lie down.  I had a shower, put make up on...called a friend...tried to distract myself with TV...nothing is working.  I hate to say that, but it's true.

I've been dealing with depression for so many years and it still amazes me how it just sucks the life right out of you.  My entire body is aching right now...Okay...maybe I can bring myself to have a bath.  Yes, I will do that.  But depression is just awful.  I am starting to worry about so many things.  Mostly about starting my externship on Monday.  Ugh... It's not good being alone right now. 

So tired, so sad, so hopeless.  I'm even typing slower.... I am ready for the next mood change....

Hugs Mogli,

I know exactly how you feel. Your words actually opened my eyes, that even though you can be a veteran in depression, it still blindsights you and hits hard. I've noticed that everything seems to be short lived. You feel close to okay, you feel teary, you crash, you get "help", you feel "better", and then the whole cycle starts all over again. It all feels hopeless at times, but try not to let it get you down. Those words in itself almost feel impossible, but we're humans. We keep trying, if we stopped, well, most of us probably wouldn't be here. Well, i lost my train of thought... been doing that a lot lately. :( Feel better... :)

Froggy

Thank you everyone for reaching out to me.  If it's even possible, I feel worse this morning.  I just want to be asleep so I don't have to go through this pain.  I did have my bath last night.  That felt good.  Then when I went to bed I just lay down with my eyes open, sad, waiting for my Trazodone to kick in and get me to sleep.  I didn't have a good sleep; I was up a few times.

I am in such a state today.  This is getting really bad.  But your words are helping me; they are comforting me.  I need that right now very much.  There is no one here, and no one available to come here until my bf gets home.  Even that is going to be tricky.  I'm in pretty deep and he gets really uncomfortable with that.  So thank you for writing to me, I really appreciate it....and need it.

Karen,

Thank you so much.  I am starting to wonder about this pain I feel--I've always just assumed it's because of the tension I feel in these times and because I don't exercise.  I am in some kind of pain every day.  It's all in my back, shoulders and neck.  Today it's unbearable.  I also have TMJ in both jaw joints, and it's killing me right now b/c I can't stop clenching.

I will keep this in mind and I see my regular doctor on May 5th, so I will talk to her about it.  Thank you so much for your support.

Hi Karen,

I took a quick look at the post you mentioned--thank you very much.  As I get feeling better, I will look at it more.  On the list of symptoms--some definitely jumped out at me.

I posted my update on what's been going on since yesterday on the bp board if you would like to read; it's under the same topic I've listed here. 

I am trying my best to get through this depression.  Thank you so much for all of your help.

Many hugs,

Hi Mogs,

This has to be so difficult for you right now.  I did look at the BP forum.  I am so sorry that you are going through so much.  And I really wish that you bf could understand.  Is there any way that you could educate him about BP?  Maybe get some pamplets, or have him read the forum?  Sometimes that helps.  Maybe you could print something off of the internet for him.  He needs to know that you are struggling and that it isn't easy.  Sometimes I think that men get uncomfortable around things that they themselves cannot fix.  They are fixers.  And when it comes to woman's emotions be it pms or depression, they can't handle that. 

I was haveing terrible mood swings yesterday.  Even my husband noticed it.  I finally went out for a walk with my dogs and I felt better.  I was glad, we had our first nice day since winter started.  It was the first walk that I was  able to take.  I noticed you walk and have a dog also.  I love my dogs so much, I don't know what I would do without them.  They give you that unconditional love.  Too bad people aren't like that.  But that is what we recieve from our pets I guess. 

I really hope that you can find some help with this situation.  I hope that you can get your bf to understand what you are going through.  It is hard to suffer in silence.  Does he understand your pain issues?

I hope that when you see your doctor, that he can help you with all of this.  Make sure to tell him everything, I write lists when I go so I don't forget.

Remember that we are always here for you, so pop in anytime.  I hope that your day gets better.

Luv and hugs, Karen