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so many fights with my family..so sad

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Posted 4/21/2008 12:03 AM (GMT 0)
Hello.

    I really want to move out (just 3 more months). I'm 23 and have a Biology degree (Bachelors in Science) and my parents are treating me like I'm 10. I'm allowed to see my friends starting on Friday telling them I'm home from grad school. I'm looking forward to that. However I've been getting in nonstop fights with my parents. The past 3 months here at home have been like a blur to me...basically felt trapped since I wasn't allowed to tell friends I failed a class in grad school. But anyways last night I was talking to 2 of my guy friends( one from FL and one from MI). My mom saw me on the computer and demanded who I was talking to. I told her and she told my dad. My dad thought I was having cyber sex with these friends. I told him no dad we're just talking about school and he didn't believe me. Him and my mom started screaming at me. My dad called me a sex maniac and told me I can't live without a guy in my life.  After my dad said those things at me I yelled at him and told him to shut up and slammed the door of my room. They took away my laptop. I started crying mostly the whole night last night and went to sleep early. Then this morning they woke me up and acted REALLY sweet as though nothing happened. My dad made me breakfast. Everything was fine for most of the day until after dinner. I clogged the toilet. I took the plunger and the water overflowed. I told my dad what happened and he started yelling at me telling me I'm retarded  and dumb and how I can't do anything and just was screaming and swearing. I told him to shut up and in grad school when this happened I was always able to fix it without water flowing out. I don't know what it happened like this today. He seriously made me feel horrible my calling me dumb and retarded. I screamed back and said I was sick of him saying those things to me. I told him I wasn't dumb and he said I was. I just cried for a few hours. Then my mom was cleaning downstairs (that's all my parents ever seem to do, they barely relax) and I heard her screaming from downstairs. I rushed down the stairs and she fainted and was laying on the floor. I gave her some water and she woke up. I was so scared. I then told my dad what happened (he was sleeping upstairs) and he said "you ruin all of us.." as if it was MY fault my mom fainted. I told him it wasn't my fault and he said it was because I bring about so much stress to the family. Is my dad right? Or is he abusive? :-( He said he doesnt want to take me to Greece anymore because of "how angry I act."  I have no desire to go to Greece with him or my sister for my cousin's wedding next month after what happened today and last night. I think I'm just going to stay here with my Mom. But my mom keeps telling me almost every day "how I messed up" just because I failed 1 out of the 10 classes my first semester of grad school. She says "I hope you can stay there next year like everyone else" eventhough 20 percent of our class failed. Some weren't given the opportunity to come back but I was because I did well in the other 9 classes. I hate how they always put me down. I hate it so much! :-( I don't think they love me eventhough they say they do and buy me stuff. I pay for grad school with loans but since I'm out for a semester they buy me things. They don't want me working..they want me studying. They don't show they love me.

Post Edited (confusedgirl22) : 4/20/2008 6:17:56 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/21/2008 12:26 AM (GMT 0)
I know it is hard to do and it took me awhile to learn it but you have to learn not to care about what ANYONE says about you? Their worthless comments can't change who you are as a person :) People use comments like that when they are weak and seeking control over you. I know you love them and you care about them but don't let them have the power over you. Don't let anyone have the power over you. You seem like a very bright girl, once they know comments like that don't get a reaction, you might like the changes you see.
Posted 4/21/2008 12:56 AM (GMT 0)
My parents are like yours. They basically call me a failure. I never have the guts to yell back like you do, i just let the blows hit me one by one untill i crack and i cry all night. They love you. They want for you to succeed. However, both your parents are too harsh on you. Have you had a sit down with them to tell them that what they are saying to you hurts?

aoccc is right though. They just want some power over you and you can't let them have that. You are you and nobody can change who you are except you.
Best of luck with your family

Froggy
Posted 4/21/2008 3:06 AM (GMT 0)

These two are so right on. 

Your parents want to control you.  And I think their actions are showing an insecurity on their part because they are losing their grip on you.  I am glad that you are paying your own way through school.  I didn't realize that, I thought that they were paying.  That gives you that much more power.  You can get past this.  The thing that is sad is that once you finish school, and you will, you may choose to stay away from them and that is going to be a huge loss for them.  They are basically pushing you away.  You have come a long way in the last few months, don't let them take that away from you.

Froggy said "you are you and nobody can change who you are except you".  That makes so much sense.  You just have to believe that.  You are an individual.  You are growing in that way.  So don't let them change who you are, and you and only you can let that happen. 

They are very harsh in what they say.  You are not stupid and you are not a failure.  You are an intellegent young lady and have a wonderful future ahead of you.  So I would say take these guys advice and run with it.  You will make it, you are stronger than you think. 

Your parents do love you.  They just have a stupid way of showing it.  They feel that they have to tell you everything to do.  They don't want to let you grow up.  But you are already there. 

Take care, keep posting.  We are all here for you.

Luv and hugs, Karen

Posted 4/21/2008 4:13 AM (GMT 0)

Confused,

You obviously are a very intelligent young lady.  You have already been given some very good advice here.  It sounds like to me your parents do love you, but they are emotionally abusive.  Would you be able to just walk away and go to your room or leave the house and go for a walk and calm yourself down and not listen to them rant and rage at you?  Maybe this way you wouldn't get so upset.  It would also give you more of your power back.  Just a suggestion.  I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

Hugs!

Carla

Posted 4/21/2008 2:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

As the others have said, you are a very intelligent young lady. I have (very almost!) a BSc in Psychology so I understand the work that goes into a BSc. You obviously know your own mind and really all I can say is that these guys have already hit the nail on the head. Read through what they have said a couple of times and see what you think.

Darren
Posted 4/24/2008 12:04 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for saying I'm intelligent. My parents rarely tell me that. I really think my parents are emotionally abusive. Every day they do or say something to make me upset/sad. Today for instance my dad asked what I ate for lunch. I said I got a salad from Chipotle with a friend. My dad got mad because there's sour cream and rice in the salads there. He yelled at me and told me I needed to lose weight. I'm 5'5 and 146 (I've lost 7 pounds the past 3 months). I got really mad after he said that to me that I went to the gym. Then when I came back I asked if I could go to Ann Arbor Michigan (where I went to undergrad to get my Bio degree only 2 and a half hr drive) to visit some friends there next weekend. I told them I would get a job right away so I wouldn't have to use their money. They said no absolutely not and yelled at me. They said if I go then they will have the door locked and I won't be able to come home. I said that's ok. I'll live with my godparents til July when I go back to gradschool. They then started calling me names like crazy, stupid, and said that my godparents wouldn't want me to stay with them. They also said I make their lives miserable and ruin their days. I seriously can't take this anymore. I want to see my friends in Michigan. What is so bad about that? I have loans for grad school. I will get a job so I can go to Michigan (it would only be for dinner and breakfast the next morning and maybe a few drinks at a bar that's it). My Civic doesn't consume gas fast. I told them that and they still said no. Should I just go anyway next weekend while they're at work and not tell them where I am until I'm already gone? I'm 23. They're treating me like I'm 10! Help!


Posted 4/24/2008 12:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Confused,
It's sad how you are being treated by own parents but you can't change much now in parenting skills.As you live with them just until you go on own you have to bear the brunt and then decide about how you want to raise your kids.Feel free to vent here .We are here to support you and say kind words.
You are wonderful and unique gift of God!!!!

Hugs
yana
Posted 4/24/2008 1:22 AM (GMT 0)
Confused,

I think that you are old enough to make your own decisions, but remember it is their house, if they decide to lock the doors on you, you better hope that you have a key.

Maybe it would be a good idea to look for a job until you go back to school. Then you wouldn't be home all of the time and have to deal with them. You would have your own money and wouldn't have to ask them for money either.

If you aren't needy to them, they will probably change their attitude towards you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/24/2008 1:59 AM (GMT 0)
Well thanks for the support but I just heard my dad tell my mom that he's sick of "that piece of ****" referring to me :-(
Posted 4/24/2008 4:25 AM (GMT 0)
Confused, I know that it hurts. That is why it is so important for you to get a job and move out of there. You are paying for your own school with loans, you have a car. Just start working, don't even say anything to them, just do it. Then when you save enough money, get your own place. Then before you know it, School will be starting again. You can do this, I know that you can.

hugs, Karen
Posted 4/24/2008 3:50 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Confused,

I cant imagine the pain that you feel with the problems that you are having with your parents. I think the bottom line here is that you are 23 and you are more than able to make your own decisions about where you go, what you do, who you see and even where you live. I would bear in mind, as Karen has said, that it is your parents house. The old phrase "While you live under my roof, you live by my rules" is something that has some truth but as long as you are respectful, I dont see that your parents are right to stop you. Talk to your god-parents and see if they are prepared for you to live there. ALWAYS have a back-up plan for what you are going to do just in case something goes wrong. I think you should go but that is only my opinion. I think you need to stand up to your parents and let them know that they cannot control you the way they are at the moment.

Darren

Posted 4/26/2008 2:39 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the support. My parents still won't let me go to Michigan to see my friends there. They said if I go they're not giving me money and I won't be allowed to come back in the house. I really just want to go. I said I could pay them back with my summer job but they said no that I still can't go. I'm 23. I might just go anyways. They took my credit card away so I'm going to apply for a new one. By the time I get the bill I'll have money from my summer job. I could always live with my godparents or grandma until the end of July when I go back to grad school. Does this sound like a good idea?
Posted 4/26/2008 3:52 AM (GMT 0)
That is for you to decide, you have to weigh out the differences, the pros and cons and see which one is better for you. Your parents are going to get mad, but will they get over it? Most likely. Can they take your car away? They took your credit card, was it theirs to begin with, or yours. Who's account was it? You have to have a job to get a credit card. You have to have something to base your payments on. So I would think about that first. Sit down and write a list of the good things that could happen and the bad things that coulld happen if you move out. Which ever one has more, go with that. If there are more good things, then move out. If there are more bad things, then stay. July isn't that far away. So either one, wont be for a really long time. I thnk that you would be farther ahead to get a job, then move out. You will have to be able to help out where ever you stay, so you will need money.

I hope that this works out for the best for you.

hugs, Karen
Posted 4/26/2008 10:15 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

As Karen has said, this really is your decision. You have to look at both sides and work out which one is best. Also, look at legalities. They cant take away anything that is in your name since it is your property. (Credit Cards, Cars etc...) Talk to your grandma / godparents and see what they say. They may be able to talk to your parents and this could all end happily. Take plenty of time to make a decision though. Consequences cannot be undone.


Darren

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