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Posted 5/2/2008 1:31 PM (GMT 0)
I've been with my boyfriend for a year now and it has been a bit of a rollercoaster, Basically to cut a long story short, about 8 years go, I was in a violent, nasty, relationship, with a guy who made me feel really horrible about myself, I was with him for 3 years and since then I have been depressed on & off, I was with another guy for a few years and I totally bullied him & treated him really badly aswell! So now I am with my current boyfriend and I am head over heels in love!  I think he might well be the one!  BUT...... I am really defensive, angry, moody and just not very nice to him!!  I get totally jelous, I hate it when he goes out with him friends (he doesn't know this!!) and It's making me in to an emotional wreck, he;s such a lovely guy aswell, he is genuinely nice and I feel that he doesn't deserve to be with someone has horrible as me!! I just don't know that I'm ever going to change and if I'll ever be able to make him happy!!

So far he's put up with my behaviour, however recently he's told me that it makes him feel down when I get depressed and that he's sick of me being nasty and snapping and basically being dead aggressive, I asked him if he wanted to split up and he said that he didn't, but he wanted me to try harder to be different etc...  But I just don't know what to do?  I feel like I should end this relationship as I just don't know if I can ever make him happy, I am so confused!  I love him like mad and i do think he feels the same for me, but I just don't know if I can ever change as much as I want to more than anything!!  any advice?

Posted 5/2/2008 2:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

Oh yes you can change that behavior. Just try to get some counseling and maybe you need some medications. I started to write meditation instead of medication. That could be an option too. Try to meditate, it really helps. You have to learn to get over him going out with his friends. When he is doing that find something that you like to do and do that instead of stewing. We all need our space. And you can control your moods. Stop them before they start. Counseling really helps with that. You become your own person instead of a part of him.

So there is hope, you are not an awful person, you just have some learning to do and Iknow that you can do it. Just don't give up on yourself. Try some counseling, it helps and does wonders for the soul. You can do this.

Good luck,
hugs, Karen
Posted 5/2/2008 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
I really wish I could help you with this, unfortunately, I am not a relationship person... I think you should try what Karen suggested. Counseling can help you with your behavior and you could try medicaitons if necessary. Meditation is also great. Karen is like an expert with meditation so I know she could help you with that! It doesnt help me alot, maybe because I dont let it, I dont know. But, it could help you! Try it! Well, I wish I could help you more, sorry.... But I like Karens suggestions! Take Care!
Posted 5/3/2008 10:35 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks, I am trying counselling, been to about 3 sessions now, don't know if its going too well, sometimes think its making me worse instead of better!! Feel like I'm falling apart at the minute!  Seen my boyfriend last night, n think he is feeling very cold towards me at the minute, not sure how to respond to this tbh, feel like I'm just in constant confusion!  Aaarrrggghhh!! 
Posted 5/3/2008 7:07 PM (GMT 0)
Im sorry you feel this way. I was wondering, have you talked to anyone about the violent relationship you were in? I dont know, but maybe that plays a part in your feelings. Have you tried talking to your bf about everything? Telling him that you feel as if you are really in love with him, but you have other feelings as well. I am not sure of the siutation you are in, but I think that is what I would do. I just think relationships should be about honesty and trust. I think you should be honest to your bf about how you feel and tell him you want to work on it because you do really love him. Are you going to counseling by yourself, I mean, have you tried a couple's therapy? Maybe that couple help some.

Like I said before, I am not good with relationships myself because they scare me and things have happened previously and.....other things... but Im good with people and logic. I dont know if any of this will help you, I wish I could do more. I am only giving my opinion based on what I know...

Sorry I couldnt be of more help. I really hope the counseling begins to help you. I want you to be happy! Take care
Posted 5/3/2008 11:19 PM (GMT 0)

Hi confused, Perhaps some of these problems may be that you guys are having a break in communcation?  You previously were in an abusive relationship, sometimes there are no words to describe what you may of went through.  This would of changed the way you view and respond to men/relationships regardless if you got counseling afterwards or not.

By you saying that in your next relationship you "bullied" the guy this would be a huge tell-tell sign that before you had no control of your life/relationship then over compensated in the next.  This is really pretty common with women who have been abused.

Now, I dont know?...are you feeling some lack of trust when he goes out with his friends?  Or do you believe that he spends too much time with his friends?  By what you have said it seems he is really into you and wants to help.  However, it also sounds as if his time with his buddies is important to him and he wishes for you to be mentally/emotionally okay with it.

I understand it is difficult, I have come out of several abusive relationships myself.  The most difficult thing is not falling back into that pattern of men and mentality.  You deserve to have a normal relationship and be happy.  You are worth it.

Posted 5/4/2008 6:59 AM (GMT 0)

Well, 'confusedli' you have been given some fantastic advice..think maybe you need to give counselling a little more time to be effective - it works for some and not for others...and it takes a lot of hard work and soul searching to get it all out...

Here's what I see from your post...you are afraid..afraid to let your guard down and 'love' someone and let yourself be 'loved'...all completely understandable considering what you have been through.

Time to start knocking down the brick wall you have built for yourself - little brick by little brick, and start living. Easier said than done I know :)

Remember that to love someone else - first you have to love yourself..relax and enjoy this relationship..when you feel yourself starting to be snappy for no particular reason - try questioning yourself as to why...could it just be things that have happened in the past - and if it is remind yourself that  it's just history doing its thing - take a deep breath and move on :)

Maree

Posted 5/4/2008 4:57 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for your responses, v helpful,

It is kind of a lack of trust - yeah, I try to deny its this to myself but it is, but as a result of my own insecurity rather than anything he's done! He's out today and tonight, and although I'm going out aswell, I already feel really really stressed (by the way I'm in England - just so u know i'm on a different time!) feel like crying and dead on edge, think i'll feel a bit better once i go out, but i texted him a couple of hours ago n he's not replied and that makes me feel stressed aswell! dunno whats wrong with me tbh!

Feel like my relationship is coming to an end tbh, i love him so so much and I think he feels the same, but I just don't know if I can see a way forward for us! just dunno, so confused! lol! x

Posted 5/7/2008 4:48 AM (GMT 0)
hi, Confusedli,
I know how you kinda feel, I was also in an abusive realationship and after 5 years when i finally got the courage to leave I think thats when my depression set in.I too have found an incrediable guy and i love him with all my heart and when i get snappy at him or feel really down i feel worse because i know what i'm doing to him but i cant seem to get my selftogether.
I find it hard to trust him and i dont like him going out without me,I get really jealous and nervous and really clingy.
i think counselling is a good idea and you may benefit alot from it, I havent been because i'm scared I find it hard to talk to people and because i'm shy i find it hard to make friends,which makes the depression worse.
My heart goes out to you and sorry if i dont have any advice buti'm looking for answers too,but i wanted you to know your not alone......
Posted 5/7/2008 1:11 PM (GMT 0)
Confusedli, hi how are you?

 

i understand were your coming from, with being in an abusive relationship for so long and than finding such an amazing guy but not being able to control your self and always getting defensive or jealous, i use to do it too!!

 

my best advice for you is to talk to him about it, trust that he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you and that you can let down your guard, i think you get defensive because your afraid that if you don't stick up for your self or show that you wont let him hurt you, that he will hurt you. DO NOT BE AFRAID, talk to him let him know how your feeling and that you're just worried he'll hopefully understand and you will slowly be able to let your gaurd down.

 

yes, you've been hurt before.

could it happen again? only if you let it...

you have control, and the fact you realize you need help and that you can admit it tells you that you have control.

 

just don't let the control run your life... it's hard to trust people but if he's truely the one than you need to know that he won't hurt you and that you can stop protecting your self from him...

Posted 5/7/2008 1:46 PM (GMT 0)
Eej Confusedli,

Bringmebackhome has some great advice, if he is the one, you won't have to be scared of losing him. I have no experience with this kind of relationships, but I do happen to know that people like you for who you are. When I am around certain people that I consider as close friends, I still want to run away from them, even when I know they like me. It is very hard to just let yourself go around these people, but I think it is worth trying.

Talking with your boyfriend is a good thing to do, he will help you, and that will make things a lot easier.

Good luck!
Posted 5/7/2008 1:54 PM (GMT 0)
Bringmeback home, enWayen,

Thanks for your messages, I really think I do need to have a proper talk with him, we have touched on issues before, but I find some things hard to talk about, think I will have a good go tomorrow when I see him though - as he needs to know what I am feeling and that I am not just being horrible or negative for no reason!!

I have been working really hard to be less moody and have done well so far, for the last week or so, (which might not sound like long - but it is!) so fingers crossed I can keep it up! x

Posted 5/7/2008 8:32 PM (GMT 0)
Eej Confusedli,

It is really hard to actually talk to someone, way harder than messages or even phone calls, but it is worth it. You will feel so much better afterwards.

All the best of luck tomorrow!
Posted 5/8/2008 6:03 PM (GMT 0)
So I'm going to speak to my boyfriend about things shortly, I'm really scared, find it so hard to talk to people, but feel that i really need to lay myself bare to be able to move forwards!!!
Posted 5/9/2008 7:47 AM (GMT 0)
Well I never got the chance to do any talking, the night ended in arguement, coz I was moody and unhinged as always, just don't feel like I can go on anymore. Feel like no matter how hard I try it will always end in disaster, I've had such a lovely week, for once and now my mind is just back in confusion. Feel like crying! But as I'm at work, thats not a good idea. Just don't see the point anymore!
Posted 5/9/2008 10:30 AM (GMT 0)
Eej Confusedli,

I know what you feel like when you say that everything you do will end in disaster. I keep in mind that I can't fail as long as I do my best. I believe that the feeling of failure is a result of too much thinking, about the future, and about the past. Trying to stick with this moment instead of worrying of what might happen helped me a lot.

He definitely loves you, and I think you should try to speak with again. Maybe some meditation can help you to free yourself of your mind. Just focus on your breathing, the birds, the colors, the shapes. Try to end that constant stream of thoughts for a few seconds.

All the best!
Posted 5/9/2008 12:44 PM (GMT 0)
Confusedli,

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. I believe you will be able to pull your self through this though, again he loves you and he deserves to hear why you act and do the things you do, so you get a little moody and its hard to carry this topic through in conversation with him write down what you want to tell him, write it, read it, fix it, keep it... and when you've written down what you think he needs to know go up to him and tell him that its important he takes time to sit and read what you've wrote and that you'd like it if he could try understand where your coming from and tell you how it makes him feel or if he does understand after reading what you've written. BUT don't write it while your in one of your moods and once you;ve written it make sure to re-read it over again once after writting it and once before you give it to him, i really believe things will work out for both you and him. keep me updated please?

Posted 5/9/2008 12:58 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks EnWayen & BringmebackHome,

I'm finding it so hard, were going out tonight to celebrate my new job so hopefully we'll be able to have a nice time together and put our arguements behind us. I feel really sensitive for a long time after an arguement though and that makes it worse, I feel really hurt because he told me that my bahaviour was dissappointing him! makes me feel dead sad just thinking about it! and he also said he thought I'd change now I'm in a new job (coz my old job was horrible) but obviously I won't, think he's going to leave me although at the same time I'm sure if he was he;d have done it by now!
Posted 5/9/2008 4:50 PM (GMT 0)
Have you ever taken a mood stablizer? That really has helped me as far as the moods and obsessive thinking. Helps me to be in the now. I think that you should ask your doctor about it and see what he says. It has really ended a lot of grief on my part. I was making mountains out of molehills. And worrying about things that weren't necessary to worry about. Like Wayen says, meditation helps you get in the now, and that is where you should want to be. I really wish you luck with this. I hate to see a good relationship go sour over something that you could have controlled. Also people argue all the time, I would dwell on everything that was said in the heat of the moment. No more. Life is too short.

Good luck sweetie, I hope that you can find something to help you. But don't put all of the blame on yourself, that will only make it worse. These things just happen and often it is nobodies fault.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/12/2008 8:16 AM (GMT 0)
No, I haven't tried a mood stabalizer, never even knew they existed to be honest, I spoke to my counsellor at the weekend about my moodiness and then I at last managed to speak to my boyfriend - we had a really good chat and have come up with some methods which will hopefully help me to change my behaviour and prevent arguements! So fingers crossed!!  Feeling really positive today so hopefully all will be ok!
Posted 5/12/2008 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
Eej Li!

It is so brave of you to speak with your boyfriend about your moodswings! I am delighted to hear that it worked. You just took a huge step.

Try to keep that positive energy flowing, and keep us up to date, I am praying for you!
Erik
Posted 5/14/2008 12:06 PM (GMT 0)
Confused,

I find that the mood stablizer really helps me, it is also a bipolar med. But I guess maybe I have a little bipolar in me, though I would just call it moodiness. I take abilify. If I really get bad, I take risperdol. It is more of an as needed drug. But long term use of it causes weight gain bad. So I went to the abilify. The risperdol, I keep around for the really bad days. It does help.

Wayen,

Dumb question, what does Eej mean? It must have something to do with hello I would imagine. Or is it initials for something? Just curious. You sound like you are doing good, that makes me happy.

Have a good day you two,
Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/16/2008 8:42 PM (GMT 0)
Well I haven't felt depressed for a whole week now!!!  This is a bit of an acheivement for me, although I am only mildly depressed it has been fairly relentless for about 8 years now, so I am feeling really positive at the minute!!  I'm even staying in on a Friday night, which is totally out of character, usually I really find it a struggle to spend time alone, I find myself completely loosing the plot after about an hour, and my thoughts just spiral out of control!  But up to now I'm doing quite well!! I feel like I have come such a long way since I started counselling, about 6 weeks ago!!  I am feeling happier than I have felt in a v v long time!!  Fingers crossed!! 
Posted 5/17/2008 1:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Confusedli,

I am really happy for you. And thank you for letting us know about your progress. Keep up the good work.

hugs, Karen
Posted 5/17/2008 10:21 AM (GMT 0)
Eej Li,

Hearing this fills me with joy :)

Keep it up!
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