Too exhausted to try anymore.

Every day I wake up and am unsure whether I will be totally sedentary and unmotivated to do anything or talk to anyone, or whether I will be hyperactively running around doing things. I have been struggling with depression for years and years now, and just when I think I am starting to feel a little better, I am overpowered by such helplessness all over again. Literally from one moment to the next, I am friendly and enthused, then am sad and anxious and don't want to be in the presence of people. When this happens, I try to remind myself "this won't last long, you might be happy again tomorrow. you could have it so much worse. stop being sad." But it never ends up working, the guilt I feel for being so down just makes everything worse. Just because other people suffer from things worse than I do, doesn't mean my problems don't exist. I try to keep busy and do things that make me feel good, like making music and writing and painting. But if I am not constantly doing these things, nothing can make me happy. People annoy me. They are destructive and unappreciative of the world and all the potential and beauty that lies within it. It makes me ashamed to even be alive. Everyone I know thinks I am this sad sad person who hates the world, when really, I feel like I am the only one who really loves it sometimes. I live in a white trash town with a bunch of ignorant people who are only interested in hunting and watching football and getting drunk. It sickens me. I am so much better than this. I just moved here after failing my second semester of my freshman year of college. I had become severely depressed and overwhelmed. I slept all the time, never left my room, and quit going to classes. I have hypothyroidism and was virtually off my medication for about two weeks because my prescription was up and my doctor wouldn't refill the prescription for some odd reason. I went to a new endocronologist and they did some tests and discovered that my dose had been far too low in the first place. Now I am on what i hope is the right dosage of synthroid, and I have seen some subtle changes, but for the most part, I am as sluggish, moody, anxious, and depressed as I have always been. I get so tired of constantly persuading myself that I can make it through the day. I sometimes wish that something would just kill me quick and easy. I hate saying that, I feel so pathetic. But I can't *&%^ing take all of this disappointment.

Eej Unplugged,

I think I've experienced the same sort of depression you experience know. I feel bad when I am around people, I feel bad for the stupid things some do, and sleeping was the best thing I could come up with. Also you mentioned you like to write music and write in general, exactly the same here.

Have you ever wondered why you are on this planet? What your purpose is? I can tell you there is no purpose, you just are. It is the same with those people you hate. There are who they are, how stupid they might be. But I can tell you hating them won't solve a thing. Hate equals pain, and hating someone won't make you feel better. Accepting who they are will trigger no further hate, and thus no further pain. And yes, it is as simple as that. Accept who they are, and maybe try to make them better, but try not to have any negative emotions because of them, it will only hurt you, not them.

I never thought about suicide, but at some point I wouldn't care whether I would wake up or not. It seemed so peaceful, not to wake up anymore, no more pain. But every day I woke up, and that's it. I live, I am.

I agree with Bionca, you probably are a very gifted person. Just try not to feel bad because of what others do, what other think etc.
And try to keep posting, it sure helped me a lot.

All the best!

Hi there and Welcome to HealingWell,

Im really sorry that you are feeling like this at the moment but I am glad that you have found us. We are like a big family here and we all help and support each other.

It sounds like there is a lot going on in your life at the moment and I think that might be playing a part in your depression. Moving to a new area, failing a school year, trouble managing hypothyroidism etc... are all going to take their toll on your mental health and stability. I think Shy is right when she says that you need to go back and see your doctor.

Remember, that we are always here for you. There is usually someone around on Depression since it is one of the bigger forums. Please kep talking to us.

Darren

Wow, I can't believe how many of you have responded. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and give your advice. I truly appreciate it. I've thought about everything you all have said, and I already have a doctors appointment scheduled this Tuesday. I'm hoping to explain everything to my doctor, and that he will try to provide some sort of explanation. I am making art as often as I can, but as I said, when I am not, I become bored, and my boredom leads to me focusing on all of the things that worry me or make me angry. Today I just found out that because I withdrew from my classes last semester, I am being charged a large sum of money, have to come up with it by the end of the month. I am incredibly stressed and angry about this seeing as I tried and tried to talk to the administrators at the school before I withdrew, and it took them forever to respond to my calls. Then when they finally did call me back, they assured me that it was not too late to withdraw and that I would not get any refunds, but would not be charged extra. It's always something. I had numerous financial problems with that school, but that's a whole other issue. Either way, I have to deal with this problem some how. The worst part is that the loan was in my mother's name, so now she is left to foot the bill and I know she cannot afford it. I definitely can't let her endure that on her own, it really isn't her problem. This is all my fault and I don't know what I'm going to do.
I feel like such a failure.
I know I'm complaining a lot, I should stop being lazy and try to fix it, but I don't even know where to begin. It seems like everything I do is wrong.

Unplugged

Is there anyway you can try to get some legal aid? I would think think that once your doctor puts in a report that you are suffering from depression and all of your other medical probs,that they would back off.

Just a thought,I hope that you are able to figure this out! What a mess!

Hi everyone,
sorry it's taken so long for me to get back to you guys. My grandmother has been visiting, I've just been tied up with other things. But today I went to see my doctor. (endocrinologist) And I don't know how much any of you know about thyroid conditions, but I have severe hypothyroidism. Which many think only affects metabolism, but it can have a serious mental effects if severe enough and not treated properly. And actually, I have never known if I even had a thyroid, part of it was removed when I was born. But today I had an ultrasound and it turns out I don't even have one, and have been on an extremely inadequate dose of medication for it. They did some blood work, and the results will come back in a couple of days and hopefully my medicine will be adjusted and perhaps all of this horrible depression and anxiousness will begin to slowly diminish. Until then, I'm really trying to be good to myself, and to control my feelings and reactions. And again, I greatly appreciate your time and advice, it has helped more than I can say.

I am most definitely going to keep everyone posted. I'm so glad I found these boards!

My mother and I are going to try and sort this financial issue out this week. Hopefully something positive comes out of it. I still feel really guilty though. I want to mention to my mother the fact that I was and am depressed, I'm not sure how to say it though. I know she is aware of it, but I do my very best not to show just how horrible I feel. She gets worried and then get's angry that she can't do anything about it..

Wayen, and anyone else who is interested, I do have a music myspace if you're interested in hearing some of my songs. Unfortunately I don't have any of my artwork up anywhere yet. The art is more of a new development that I'm still exploring.

www.myspace.com/chelseashay

Thank you for listening to my music!

Two of my closest friends know that I am. And they don't treat me differently or anything, but they are open to talk if I'm having a particularly rough day. I try not to do that though, I know they have their own problems to deal with. I have never told my mom or dad or step dad or really any family members flat out, that I am depressed. I know they suspect it, but I don't know if they understand the severity of it sometimes. Everything started in middle school, sophomore year of high school was particularly bad. I think that was when my Mom first began to recognize that I had some emotional issues. Since then though, it seems she thinks that it all just went away. She is a highly stressed out person as it is, I don't want her to have even more on her plate. And, I have a feeling she would just tell me to 'suck it up'.

I have something similar with my mom, I just wouldn't tell her because I believe she will react in a "wrong" way, or worry too much. Like afterglo said, friends can be very supportive, but if you find that talking to them helps you, do it. If they don't want you to, I bet they will tell you. Just ask them frequently if you aren't talking too much.
I had something similar, I was afraid of sharing all my thoughts and emotions, partly because I felt ashamed, partly because I didn't want to bother no-one with my problems. It ended up in hours long phone calls and chats with one of my close friends, and it helped a lot.

Friends can be there for you to pull you out of that pit of sadness. Maybe you should ask yourself the following question: "Do I actually want this depression to end?". It might seem a pretty stupid question, but there where times that my sadness gave me some sort of self-image, a projection of what I am. I didn't want to get rid of my depression at those times, because it was who I am. At least, I thought, because it is madness to live your life in constant pain and conflict with your surroundings. Your friends can help you out of that vicious circle, and you just shouldn't worry about the consequences, you will know them in time, and you should deal with them when they show up, not before they show up.

All the best!