I need someone to talk to about my finace.

Mic

First of all I want to welcome you to the forum,we are very glad that you found us.

First thing you need to do is take a deep breath.. I know that you are hurting,but you are not going to be able to handle the situation being so upset.

Then, talk to her, show her what you found and tell her how much you love her and that you are willing to help her.. But, that you will not put up with crap like that.

Being depressed is not a reason for anyone to even be thinking about stepping out of their relationship.

We do make rash decisions,we push away the ones that we love... I am not sure what she is thinking.
Quite frankly,there are many times I have read and seen where the man basically just ignores the wife's depression.. And you love her enough to see that she needs help.

What about going into some type of therapy? That might be an option.

Talk to us,and we will be here for you.

I can't thank you all for your kind words and experience sharing.

We have an appointment with her doctor tomorrow and I'm going to ask for a counselor recommendation. I know I screwed up and brought our relationship down, I'll own the blame that's mine.

It's just so tough not knowing where one stands with someone who doesn't know what they want anymore. And it's almost like a catch 22. If the meds are really working and this is how she truly feels, how can I argue. Yet, if the meds aren't working and it's not really her....

I guess this is 1 part ranting/blowing steam and 2 parts learning what to expect and how to deal with it. And I greatly appreciate you opening up to a stranger in need of a little support.

Thanks.

Well, we went to the doctors today. Her dose is actually 10mg not 20mg as I thought earlier. Her doctor decided to leave it as is. She did recommend that she go to counseling alone then maybe as a couple.

I'm devastated over all this. I've hit my funk. I'm not eating simply because I can't keep anything down but milk. My head is killing me with all these thoughts buzzing around in it. My eyes are little pockets of desert now. I'm trying to do what's right by her but it's really taking it's toll on me.

We had a talk about love in love. She tells me that she loves me but she doesn't feel like she's in love with me anymore. I asked her what her idea of in love is and she said like the characters in some novels "life mates/soul mates". I asked her what she meant by that and she said that she feels like she should feel like she did when we first started dating (9 years ago!).

I feel numb and sick. Maybe I need help now.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG (just blowing some steam)

Thanks PAlady and I did read your response in Slick's thread. She's going to see a counselor this coming Monday, not sure if it's the same thing as a psychiatrist, but I hope it is.

She knows that she's putting my through hell and she seems sincere about being sorry for it, it takes a little of the edge off, but not a enough. I'm probably going to look into counseling for myself to help deal with this. I talk to my friends but I feel a sense of isolation, especially at night when she's at work and it's just me and the boys.

God, I just want this over with.

MicMac,
Here is what I learned from my husbands depression:
1. Go to a psychiatrist who knows pharmacology--ie the drug possibilities and the potential combinations that will work together to maximum benefit. An internist or family doctor does not have this expertise.
2. Try to find a psychiatrist who will spend some time doing therapy or has a therapist in their office.
3. Read all you can about the medications. See where your loved one is on the dosage. Has the drug been successful? Remember it takes about 3 weeks to get levels.
4. Read as many books as you can about being in a relationship with someone who is depressed. Read the reviews of the books on Amazon or another site before buying as there are many you can select and some are fantastic and some just are not that great.
Above all remember to seperate the depression from the person. Depression effects everyone, but the depressed person does not realize it.
My husband is coming out of a four year depression. (we have been married 23 years) The first two years were not awful. He was just difficult to deal with, impatient and not happy. He was withdrawing from the family. The last two have been horrendous. Basically he went to bed and would not get up. It does not sound that bad, but it was AWFUL. He missed everything in our lives and so much work he was eventually laid off. He did not get treatment until he was so far in the depths of depression it was hard to for him to even start treatment. There are ups and downs now, but now there are more ups than downs. Hopefully someday soon his depression will be a thing of the past.
Hopefully your fiance will be feeling much better very soon.
Lynne

Mic,

I'm going through a similar situation - it's been two and a half years for me and my fiance. I can sympathize - it IS incredibly painful. It's been a long and difficult journey for us. On our first date, she shared with me that she is afflicted with depression. A few months later, I found out that she's been going to therapy, and taking Prozac, for a number of years (now eight). She had an "awakening" (her words) when she was 28 - she had her first drink, moved out from her father's house, was with a man for the first time, etc. We met when she was 33, and I felt (and feel) she is still very much trying to find out who she is. If you look up the posts of Singer69 on this site, you'll see a fairly close approximation of my story (minus the marriage and kids, of course).

My fiancee actually did leave the relationship - we separated in September (I'd been staying with her, at her invitation), but continued to maintain contact. In December, she called me to help her clean her place, since her family was coming to visit (95% of her friends and family either don't know she's depressed at all, or if they do, don't know the extent of it), and she keeps her place so cluttered, it's hard to walk without stepping on anything (including current and past bills, tax forms, etc). It was then that she showed me her eHarmony profile. I was surprised, but didn't say much. She then showed me the personality profile that she'd paid for, almost as if she was trying to show me who she is. A month later, after trying to reconcile yet again, she said that she'd reconnected with a boyfriend that she'd had when she was 14. I tried to explain to her that she was trying to recapture the feelings that she'd had before her parents divorced (when she was 18), and that she was trying to recapture a fantasy - that talking about her problems openly and honestly was the only way to get past them. That advice was too painful for her to hear, and she wound up dating the other guy. That lasted all of six weeks.

To make a long story short, she called me crying about two months ago, saying that she'd not heard from the guy in some weeks, that her mother had been diagnosed with cancer, and that she'd been tasked with producing a play for her church, and was feeling overwhelmed. I came to the rescue, yet again, only to find out that she'd only called me to help her through that crisis, and was still pining away for the other guy. I was extremely angry at that, and she agreed that her using me (again, her words) was wrong. Several weeks later, we again reconnected and attempted to reconcile, but I felt that she was still holding a part of herself back, and she admitted that she was - she tried to say that the reason for that was because of some old issues, but I knew that it was because of the other guy (it's been three months since she's heard from him). Whenever I try to get her to talk about what is going on inside of her, she pushes me away.

I know this was long and rambling, but the bottom line is: your above post is correct. Don't take it too personal, give her space and time, don't force her to talk, and get back to the dating mentality (after we reconnected, she said that she didn't feel "pursued" because we were living together not long after we started dating - the fact that she asked me to move in with her didn't matter, that was still my fault). I have learned how to have a ton more patience since dating her, and as you said earlier, I love her too much to give up on her, or let her give up on herself.

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone; a lot of other fellas are going through the exact same thing. Just be patient, take it one day at a time, and learn as much about depression as you can - the latter has helped me a lot. Dr. Wayne Dyer has some great suggestions on dealing with a depressed mate.

Wow - sorry to hear that. The only thing I can say to that is, don't expect that she'll "work her mind out quickly". I watched a program on depression on PBS a few weeks ago (you can watch it on PBS.org; just search on the word "depression), and one of the people interviewed (who had depression) said that "depression is a very selfish disease". Is that ever the truth! I think a big part of that is the disease, and for my fiancee at least, things she went through as a child. That can be overcome, but it takes time. Having to go through what she did with her mom, and with the other guy, caused my fiancee to grow up a little, but she still has a long ways to go. I'm learning that the maturity process is going to take one day at a time, and I try to celebrate when she is unselfish, and not harp on her too much when she is. It's really hard to separate the disease from the person, when both come out of the same mouth.

I have been reading the thread, and new to the depression forum, but wanted to offer support too, I do hope in the time to come things will get better.

I am too in a similiar situation. I  have been with the same person for 17 yrs, marrie 10, but have lived with 17 yrs, and its not the same, i have gained weight, alot, need to get that off, but i hold out hope i will. But my husband has created his own little apt downstairs, which really hurts, and i am having a hard time dealing with this, and will be seeing a new phchiatrist on the 12th, i do believe he does some counseling as well, and was reccommed to him alonmg time ago.  I am on meds to help with depression, but meds can only do so much.

I am praying for your situation and hope things will get better, I know it hurts, keep posting it helps......

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It is unfair.

At some point it seems as if you have done everything you can, and you have to watch out for yourself.


Please keep us updated and good luck.

Micmac,
Moving out for me was a help. It gave my husband a chance to regroup. Of course I took the kids, he could not handle anything but himself. Google "depression fallout". It is like the commercial depression effects everyone around you, but the depressed person does not realize it.
I am sure your fiance thinks that life will be better when she only has the kids to deal with--she probably thinks that her true love is out there somewhere. A casual friend left her husband because she was not happy. She ended up losing her daughter and her husband. He has since remarried, and she moves from state to state still trying to find happiness.
Hopefully she will come to realize that relationships are hard work, and you have to be committed to one another thru the good and the bad.
Lynne

I too am going thru a rough, very rough patch in my marrigae right now, its me who wants to leave, but he would never let me take the children, well the youngest anyway, the oldest can decide, but the way i am right now he probably stay with his dad. I just feel that my husb, doesnt love me anymore, becuz i have gained so much weight, which i will be workig on, i cant do much in the way of exercise except swim, I better get to it, the sun bothers me, so i have to wear very dark glasses, it huts my eys very badly, which gives me a headache. But i do have an opportunity with some herbal tea I know wrokld because i saw it first hand my friend and her mil have both lost over 50 lbs( thats about what I need to lose, maybe a few more to really make me happy). but even when i lose weight, i still feel the love is not the same, and i dont want to be where im not loved in the way a marrried couple should be.  i dont think my husband has time or desire to see a marrige counsler, or co-pays are very high, and i have so many med bills as it is,i m hopping i lose weight over the summer so I can get this substitute teacher job. But i have to fit in my clothes to wear to school, I am not getting larger clothes.

My husband already has his own downstairs apt he made for himslef. I cant do that the kids are right behind me messing it up, it leaves me feeling helpless, or anything I do is in vein. And its not easy for me to clean, I have arthritus in my back and knees, and on top of the fibro, the only thing helps be able to even clean at all is pain killers, and even they are not strong enough.

My husband supports us all, I feel like a thrid child, and i really hate that feeling, i woudl have to have a job to move, and still need help from him, which i dont think he wants me to leave, if for that reason alone, and I watch our daughter, son does what he wants( which isnt helping me clean).  I soemtimes want a clean little apt like my hub got going that know one will mess up. he keeps the door locked. But if i git would have to be with a job and alimony, which I think my hub doesnt want to do. He even said its cheaper to stay toghether. But I cant keep up with the messes my children create and wont clean up after themsleves. Hub works two jobs, so cant really expect him too, he does more than his share. its the kids, the little one is more helpful then the older one.  If i left I would want to take the youngest with me, but my hub wouldnt let me, buti worry she would get hurt buy the older one, my husbamd doesnt see that, when he is around they fight, but its not physical like i see it.  My husband seems to thnk i can get a full time job say mcdonalds is one he threw at me, I cant do that, one it would kill me, two i cant leave the kids alone with each other all day. he thinks i can, they would kill each other. The subbing is my best bet, after i lose weight to have clothes to wear, its hard because i cant exercise except swim.   I feel like my husband is only going to love me when I am thin and pretty the way Iwas when we met and married. i am losing weight for me, if he likes it thats fine. But I still think it wont be the same. And I am having a hard time, living with it, which is why I dont want to live with it, it depressing knowing you have to live with someone that thinks your fat and bascialy worthless, since i cant keep up with the kids messes. I keep the dishes clean, and the laundry done, but after that I need help, and im not getting any.

. Im stuck i have to stay, i wouldnt make it on my own, and cant leave the younger one with the older one, not even for a day. i will be going to counseling on the 12th, and the kids later one. I feel guilt because it my husbands money I use to take myslef and the children to the docs, well i dont feel guilty about the kids, there his kids too, but i do about myslef, i wish i could afford to take care of myslef.

Ihave offers of people letting me stay for some of the summer, my sister, a friend in calif. but one how would i get to calif. i could probably drive to ohio where my sister is is. but i cant leave the younger one, but my hub wouldnt let me take her, they are very close. he has no one to watch her, she would be left alone with older one, no way, one I thinks thats illegal, two i wont let it happen, maybe for an hour afterschool, but not for a whole day. I dont know where else to vent that i know people will not judge me. Im sorry so long, I guess this thread got me thinking of my own situation. again Im sorry, I will end now, with thanks for listening....