New and Lost

Hey, I'm new on here and am just feeling a bit lost... I'm 16 and was diagnosed with depression a few months ago, though I suspect I've been dealing with it for a little over 3 years. I started taking Cytalopram about a month ago, but I haven't noticed any changes in my mood at all. I'm a Junior in high school and right now is a critical time for school and college decisions. I want to do good with my school, and I used to be an excellent student, but everything's just so hard lately. I hate getting out of bed. It takes me hours to fall asleep at night. I feel worthless all the time. My mom doesn't understand at all. She tried to argue with my psychologist that I didn't have depression and that I was just going through a rough patch. She argues with me about my diabetes, with my school, with my sleep schedule, with my eating habbits, with how much I read, and anything else that comes up. It's so hard to get anything done. I always put off my school projects till the last minute, and then when I don't get them done, I make up some stupid excuse of how my internet was down or that I was sick and couldn't email it. I've been dancing ballet for about 10 years now, and I absolutely love it, but sometimes it's just too much. I can't even make myself want to do something that I love more than almost anything eles in the entire world. I'm an avid reader. I go through about 6-8 400+ page books a week. When I read, it makes it so I don't have to deal with anything that's going on with me at the moment. I want to get better. I want to enjoy everything again, but it just seems like I can't do anything anymore. Like nothing's going right. None of my friends really know what it's like, and I just feel so alone. I wanna see the sun again... I don't really know where I'm going with this anymore, but if anyone has any encouraging words or anything that might help, please do so. Much Loves~Me

Blue

I want to welcome you to the forum,very glad that you found us.

Erik has given you excellent advice...all I wanted to add is I think you might want to get into some type of talk therapy.... can you talk to your doctor about it? Or start with your school counselor..


Sometimes parents don't stop and think.. they forget the stress that a 16 year old is going through because they are living in a very stressful world also. It is not fair at all,and that is why I am encouraging you to talk to someone so you can figure out how to beat this depression.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

Hi Blue,

I thought that I had already posted, but I guess that I forgot to click on submit.

I think, as Darren said everything has been pretty well covered, but as the others I would suggest talk therapy. It really helps.

Welcome to the Healing Well depression forum. There are a lot of very understanding members here. Keep posting.

hugs, Karen

Hey!
SO two other great books.. the wisdom of forgiveness by victor chan and the dahlai llama and what happy people know.. there is also another version called what happy women know. I enjoyed reading them, they were helpful for me.

I hope you feel better soon!

That is what we are here for Blue,please keep us updated on how you are doing.

Blue ...

Have you ever heard the song "Blue" by Joni Mitchell?
You are bright and understanding. I can tell you this:
If I was closer to your age we would be best friends.
If you work with a psychologist and others who are
understanding of problems of Depression, you will feel
better. You'll probably never get totally over it -- just
better.

I've had Depression all my life. It's strange, but it wasn't
until my health failed me and Pain was my closest friend, did
I leave Depression behind. Now I wouldn't wish that on you. : /

But I do know ... I do. How it is.

I send you a cyber seashell ...

"Inside you'll hear a sigh, a foggy lullaby. This is my song for you."
Pamela Neckpain, Coast of California

Thank you everyone. for giving me smiles. I'm not having the best day; I got kicked by a pointe shoe last night and I might have broken my finger, which is a really bad thing considering that our opening show is this Friday. But I really appreciate everything you all have said.
I went to see my psychologist today, so that's helped make the day a bit better. But I gotta get ready for school and ballet now. Thank you to everyone! ~Blue

Blue, I absolutely understand where you're coming from--that was exactly me last year (my senior year of high school and actually part of my junior year, too). I never put off my schoolwork until the depression hit me full force-I, too, made lame excuses for my homework. I argued with my parents about everything, and they didn't believe (and still don't) that depression is a real disease; my psychologist and my dad definitely did not get along. I loved playing piano, but at that point I couldn't make myself practice or do recitals; heck, I had a hard enough time just going to lessons. It hurt me so much to not be able to do the things that were important to me. I loved to read and during that time I couldn't even bring myself to do that, so at least you have something!

I'm sorry about all the drama. I remember my group of "friends" was always full of drama. So so so annoying. And b/c they're all wrapped up in their crap, they don't pay attention to you at this time when you really need them (or at least that's what happened to me).

It took me about a month of meds and therapy before I noticed a difference, so hang in there. I didn't mean to ramble on about my story, but I just wanted you to know that I understand and you're not alone! *hugs*

There are also other books such as "Dealing with Depression" by Paul Gilbert, it provides SUCH good help. Also, "Overcoming Low Self-esteem" by Melanie Fennell, apparently they are VERY helpful, look them up on Amazon, search their names and see if you like.

"Overcoming Low Self-Esteem" Melanie Fennell

"Overcoming Depression" Paul Gillbert

Dear Blue,
I love to escape into books too. In fact I have found that I read the end chapter to decide if I want to find out how they get to that part, before I invest time. I realized that is how I would love to live my life, knowing how it ends and then deciding if I wanted to spend the time to get there. Guess it is good that I do not know--if I do not like how it ends that would not be good.
As a mother of a 17 year old I realize that she has to live with more drama than I ever had to as a teen. Not sure why that is, but it is. Keep taking your meds. In three to four weeks your outlook will be better, even if the situation remains the same.
Lynne

Sometimes it feels like reading is the only thing that I can count on anymore. I can just kinda run away from everything that's going wrong in my life and immerse myself in the lives of the characters, where I always know that evrything will work out in the end.
I'm into Finals week at the high school right now; only 3 days left until I'm on summer break and officially a Senior. I'm really looking forward to summer right now; no school anything for 2 and a half months.
Today seemed like it was going really really well. My best friend spent the night last night, we walked over to CVP's house and hung out there for a couple hours. Then today was Father's Day and we just hung around home all day as a family, having an amazing dinner my mom made. It was a great day, wonderful actually... But right now, I'm in a funk, I guess you'd call it. I had a great day, but... just all of a sudden... I'm feeling pretty low. It was a great day! I should be feeling great too! But I'm not... not at all... And I don't know why. I don't feel like doing anything. Not even reading.
I got this idea to make a list of things that make me happy, then whenever I feel like crap, I can just look at my list and see all the wonderful things I have going for me... The only problem is, I only got to 10 before I couldn't think of any more... I know I have a lot more things that make me happy, but I just can't think of anything. It feels like I have this wall or cloud in my brain or something, and it's driving me crazy... I just want to get better and make it all go away.
Thank you to everyone who's replied, for all of your words of encouragment, support, and kindness. I could really use it right now.
Much Loves~Blue

Blue, You know, as a sixteen year old, you are quite intelligent and have a good hold on the reality of the peers around you. Your mom, honestly may not understand why you would have depression. She sees you as a successful dancer, probably good in school (most readers are), you have passion for dance since you have done it for so long. It sounds like you have had a couple of events happen that may have triggered your start into depression. You mentioned that you have bad knees, diabetes, a transplant (organ?), and then a broken finger. You definitely must be an athlete! :) You know, if you have been dancing for so long and you haven't had a break, you may very definitely need a break. The problem that arises (well, in my experience) is that after you stop doing what you have been doing most of your life, you find that your identity is gone. The person that you were is no longer there, and you have to go find what else makes you happy. Your friends at school, unfortunately, at this age are very self centered and only think about themselves. I was alone, with no parents at 16 and why this was very difficult on me, my friends thought it was the coolest thing in the world because they thought we could party at my house. Noone ever stopped to ask how it was affecting me. Do you work? With so many injuries, aren't you in a lot of pain? How often do you dance? If you slowed down, concentrated on catching up in school...are you going to summer school, that may take you away from the crowd at dance class and perhaps put you into a different social circle. If your mom is not helping hardly at all in any way, that is difficult. The great thing is that you do realize something is wrong and you are willing to go seek help. I wasn't, I fought it tooth and nail. Each time you go to therapy, they should give you a homework assignment to do, and believe me, these are not easy, you have to dig deep and find out what is the core of how and why you feel the way you do. It is exhausting, but after therapy is over, the time is different for everyone, most of the time you come out feeling like you can conquer the world! They arm you with so many tools to help deal with the world and your inside world. Remember that your friends, although some of them may be really close right now, will be gone once high school gets out and everyone goes their separate ways. Your family will always be there for you, and perhaps if your mom is fighting with your DR. he will ask to see her separately. He will tell her she is not being helpful and straighten her out. Please keep writing, that is what I have been doing for the past two days. You are on the right track, it's hard, not easy. I stayed in bed last week the entire week, I got up today, Father's Day. Then I wrote down a Standard Operator's Procedural Manual for my family. Every business has one, so I decided since I don't want to get fired from my family, I was going to follow these rules and guidelines. In my case, my depression is centered around (besides childhood trauma) lack of discipline. Because I have given up. So I decided to get some control back into my life and act as if my home is a business. I hope it works! I hope you and your mom get on the right track, that is essential. Have a wonderful day!

Dear Blue,
Sometimes even when life is good, there is a swing that brings you down. It stinks but that is just how it is. You are learning to adapt. For that you should be proud. Your high school friends will become a smaller part of your life. At 45 I see my friends from high school, but it is not often. And the relationship is different. Drama is nonexistent. We are to involved in our families and jobs. And over the years I developed new friends, ones that I call on when things are the toughest. My best friends though are my mom and my daughter (she is 17). They are the rocks of my life. They give me wisdom and encouragement when things are bleak. Although there are things that I would not share with either my mom or daughter, I know that I have their unconditional love and support.
Life as a teen is hard these days. It is difficult for some parents to realize that. My husband does not understand why my daughter suffers from anxiety issues and sees a therapist and takes meds. But I understand. Life with a depressed/ocd dad is hard. It is a struggle for all of us, especially her. But even though things are tough, she keeps moving forward. I am amazed by her daily.
SO Blue take comfort. You are bright. You have activities you enjoy. Summer is here. Take it one day at a time. Try writing a bit with your reading..you may amaze yourself!
Lynne