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Posted 6/7/2008 2:38 PM (GMT 0)
It's been a while...

For no particular reason I've been feeling really crap lately. My job has been going well enough though I've gotten into trouble several times over minor things - they felt huge. I was asked if I'd like to do the phones next week rather then just mail-room work and agreed. Now I'm terrified irrationally about it (yes I realise it's just the GAD speaking) but it doesn't help me feel any better about it. I just want to stay where I am or run as fast and far away as I can.

Uni exams this week. I realise I should be stressed like I was in year 12 but I don't care if I fail - that freaks me out a little because I SHOULD care because if I don't I won't try. I'm NOT trying.

I found out the other night that about a year ago my brother tried to commit suicide and was only stopped by his girlfriend grabbing him. I didn't know that and he only told me because he was slightly drunk. I'm sick of this. I know it's selfish but it just feels like everywhere I turn another friend is looking to me for help and self-harming or thinking about suicide. I try and help them as much as I can while suggesting alternatives but none of them want to take the alternatives and I'm too afraid of what they'll do if I don't help them to tell them to sod off.

Despite having all these people clamouring for help it always feels like I'm so alone and I just don't know what to do. The idea of just getting in my car and driving away to start a new life seems better and better every day even though I know it won't solve the problem.

Why do I always feel like I'm losing control of everything? I don't even think I want to do what I'm doing at Uni any more! My schooling was meant to be the one thing I had control over!!!

Posted 6/7/2008 5:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sweetie,

Sometimes I think that if we give up trying to control, it comes a little easier. I think it is anxiety that makes us want to control everything. I use to be that way and it got me nowhere. Finally I decided to let life play itself out and I am much more happy. It doesn't mean to quit trying, just stop trying to control. I think it makes it easier to relax.

Remember you can only help these people so much. It is up to them to get help. You are such a caring person so I know that could be hard. But the problems are theirs, not yours. You may be able to direct them to help, but you can't stop them from what they want to do. So take care of you... You are a very special person and that is what counts.

Luv and hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/7/2008 9:28 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Jordan,

Do you think, perhaps, you are taking on more responsibility for other peoples actions and feelings then you should be?  We are each responsibile for our own feelings.  I know you don't want to see your brother make a mistake but you also should not have to act as his counselor as you have your own issues.  I would suggest you point him in the direction of his physician and a mental health counselor.

I think, it's helpful to tell yourself, "that people do get through depression and thoughts of self harm ." It's also helpful to know that help and treatment for depression exist. The difficulty, sometimes, is knowing where and how to get it.

Here are some numbers you can provide to your brother :

U.S. Helplines


The US Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433

NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

Suicide Prevention Services Crisis Hotline 800-784-2433

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline 630-482-9696

As far as your job, if you prefer to continue working with what makes you comfortable, speak up and tell the truth.  Avoid the anxiety by taking on what your just not ready for.

Remember many people in school become confused along the way wondering if they are going down the right path.  Look at your options.  You do have control and give yourself permission to change your mind.  The one thing you have the most control over is your own feelings.  If you need help for you, put yourself first and seek out your own therapist to help you through this tough time.

Blessings to you
Kitt

Posted 6/8/2008 9:36 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you both for your kind responses.

Karen - I do try and allow people to take care of themselves and seek help in other places. The problem is some of them won't. I've dealt with two cases of friends who have turned to me for help and later tried to commit suicide. They wouldn't talk to anyone else and had they not trusted me they wouldn't have called and I wouldn't have been able to call the ambulances and make sure they were okay.

Kitt - I'm not actually taking care of my brother. He had counselling at the time, I just found out about all this now. He's fine now. It's my friends I'm mainly worried about. I've tried directing them to Aus help lines and free psychologists but they are stubborn about not wanting help in those places. In some cases - where I'm really worried - I tell the family. In some it's just not a viable option. One of my friends is dealing with a very abusive father but doesn't want to leave because her younger brother loves her dad and doesn't want to and she protects him. I've suggested child services and such but she won't go for that either.

The Uni and work things aren't really that big, but they loom up as though they are. I visited the country today and as usual it made me feel on top of the world. I'm hoping that once I get a chance to move away to the country as I always planned things will look brighter. They always have out there before. The problem with that is A. that won't be for years and B. I'm afriad that it's just me running away.

I don't know, it feels like every answer has it's own setback or retort to throw at me.

- Jordan
Posted 6/8/2008 12:05 PM (GMT 0)
I am fairly new to the depression forum,just wanted to say Kitt and Karen had some great ideas. Ultimately you can only help your friends so much. Im glad they trust you, but that put a real heavy burden on you. You can give them your advice and only pray they take it. You are special and is probably why they come to you for advice, they trust you. But you have also got you to think about to, maybe someday that country home be to far off, we can have our dreams, doesnt really mean your running away, you just want better things for yourslef, and you deserve them, but as many will tell you here, for right now, it best to stay in the here and now and make the best of it. But that doesnt mean you can stop dreaming or even someday make it a reality to move to the country. Just try taking it one day at a time. its hard sometimes, we want to rush everything. Time does goe by fast, things will happen soon enough for you. You must be a very good friend for your freinds to trust you. Thats a special quality. And for you seems to come with responsibilty, but as kitt and Karen said you cannot be responsible for others actions. Please try to take care of you.....
Posted 6/10/2008 3:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hey all,

S'pose I should be asleep right now. It's 1:30am my time. I've got work in six hours but I can't bring myself to go to bed. Sheryl, I know what you're saying. I've heard it before to be honest - I went to a psychologist for six months at the end of High School and she kept telling me to cut ties, let them deal with it etc etc. The problem being, my friends CAN'T deal with it on their own and trying to distance myself has a tendency to result in being called to their side when they need an ambulance.

She even suggested that I go looking for 'damaged' people. That I find people who I think I can fix because it means avoiding my own problems. I don't know if she's right but I do have an uncanny ability to make friends with people who seem happy and wonderful and later come out with the most tragic situations in their life. I do immediately jump in and offer support but it seems like what I have to do. What else do you do when someone comes at you with a personal tragedy? I can't see how you could be a good friend and basically brush them off as well. After all if they're talking to you about it at all they have to want to talk about it, right?

Strangely though, I want to talk about things and it almost feels as though I don't trust my friends enough to tell them. Or I feel like I'm bothering them or something like that. Especially since the only ones I want to talk to are the ones without problems and so I don't want to give them some.

- Jordan
Posted 6/10/2008 3:38 PM (GMT 0)
I guess thats what were for to vent your problems, and also you physcologist too, if you feel like you dont want to burden your firends, but if they are friends, I dont think it would be a burden to them...
Posted 6/12/2008 9:15 AM (GMT 0)
I don't go to the psychologist anymore. It was a free service through school - even if it hadn't been I'd stopped before the end of school. It made me feel worse.

I don't think my friends would think it would be a burden - but being on the other end of it. I know how it can be anyway. It weighs on your mind.
Posted 6/12/2008 12:43 PM (GMT 0)
Jordan,

You need to talk to somebody, how about a different psycologist. Often we don't click with certain ones, but there are many good ones out there. If you do have low income, there are programs for that. Also crisis numbers that you can call if you feel the need.

And remember that you have us, we are here for you.

Luv and hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/12/2008 1:19 PM (GMT 0)
Just agreeing with Karen there areother pyhcologists, and free services, and dont forget your friends, thats what friends are for...
Posted 6/13/2008 4:20 AM (GMT 0)
I know there are cheap\free psychologists I could try. It's half a matter of convincing myself that it will be better then last time and half trying to work out how to see one without anyone finding out. Given how long it takes to go to Uni and get back (it's in the city), I get home late and any time spent at a psychologists (even with a cover story) would eventually be found out. With my family that can only be a bad thing...
Posted 6/13/2008 2:12 PM (GMT 0)
Your family is against you seeing a phcycologist.

You have to hide it, Im sorry it has to be that way.

i do hope you work something out..

Posted 6/14/2008 12:57 AM (GMT 0)
It's not that they're against it - I'm sure they'd be all for it. It's just it wouldn't be in a positive way. Ammunition and all that. My family and I (barring my brother) are on rocky ground for the most part. Thank you for your kind wishes though.
Posted 6/14/2008 11:59 AM (GMT 0)
Your welcome, I only wish I could afford to see a phcologist right now, no free services for us, we make too much, but we need it, no time for my husband, but me and the kids could use it. Its more of a money issue, just becasue you make more doesnt mean you get more, infact sometimes I think you get less.

I do hope you find away with out disturbing anyone, your in my thoughts and prayers...

Posted 6/17/2008 7:55 AM (GMT 0)
Wow, I hope you can too. But geez - today I had my first experience of really not wanting to get out of bed. It wasn't because I was tired or anything I just lay there thinking 'it'd be easier not to get up'. Took me two and a half hours :S Has this happened to any of you? What did you do to get over it? It's scary - feels completely out of control.
Posted 6/17/2008 1:25 PM (GMT 0)
yes i understand it, during the school year, right after my kids left, i would go back to bed for 3 hrs, becsouse i didnt want to get up.

I go to bed at 7 so i dont have to deal with my kids anymore, and i sleep til 7.00, i just dont want to get up, i have to make myslef, when the school yr starts I get up at 5.

I know its part of depression...

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