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I am so very tired...(Sensitive individuals, please do not read)

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Posted 6/13/2008 9:36 PM (GMT 0)
I have lived life... constantly thinking that I will change things... that I will make things better... that I will prove myself. But the more I go on, the more I realize how... maybe this isn't meant to be. I am fighting... and I shouldn't. I need to give up...

I do not mean to upset anyone... and I do not want to make anyone here feel worse than they already do.

But this is the thing...

All of my life I have been a burden. My grandmother didn't have to take me and my siblings in... but she did... Lot of the people in my family hated her for it. And she kept me and my siblings for all those years... and I was just a burden... No help at all...

I did try, of course... but it wasn't good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough...

And now, I'm sick... I have a disease, and maybe there's even more wrong with me than I know, which would just make me an even greater burden.

Livin' off government money... which is really everyone else's money... the taxpayer's money... People who aren't burdens on this society, who work hard... and are healthy.

And my illness just makes people upset... I know its because they're good people, and they don't like to see people suffer. Nobody likes to see someone suffer...

I've only ever wanted to be a good person... who works hard and can make people happy... But I can never be that.

I am aware that...I'm not thinking quite right... I do feel very irrational... and I think maybe I will feel better later... there's someone I want to talk to...

But I don't know what I'll say... and I don't know what I have in mind afterwards...

Posted 6/13/2008 10:13 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Celey

I am sorry your feeling down.........but now it is my turn as I am here to help you understand better where your coming from......OK, alright by you if I get on my soap box  for a few minutes? :-)

Need to give up, no way, we never give up.  We fight to the end and we give it our all even when it seems impossible. eyes

Who said you were a burden and who are they to proclaim that bit of "stinkin thinkin".  They are nobody, good people don't judge.  Throw out the garbage and know you do many things just fine, you are not a burden.  You are here for a reason just like each of us is here.  You belong here Celey.

Sick you are not, maybe not well but toss out the word sick.  Just be well or not so well each day scool It's important to remember that people who have good emotional health sometimes have emotional problems or mental illness. Mental illness often has a physical cause, such as a chemical imbalance in the brain. Stress and problems with family, work or school can sometimes trigger mental illness or make it worse. However, people who are emotionally healthy have learned ways to cope with stress and problems. They know when they need to seek help.  You are here right now so you know when you need to seek help.

You are never a burden here so please work together with your physician and use us as your support, you are family here.

Hang on tight, we won't let you fall if you trust us.

Hugs to you
Kitt

Posted 6/14/2008 1:58 AM (GMT 0)
Celey,

Kitt is so right. You are not a burden and you are loved here. I would like to add that you do help people. You give positive posts and good advice here. So you are wrong wrong wrong.

You are a special wonderful person. who happens to suffer with depression right now. That does not make you any less of a person. You are kind, compassionate and you help people when they need it. We are proud to have you as a member.

So there.....LOL.....

Luv and hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/14/2008 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
I didn't give you guys the whole story... but you're all right in some ways. At any rate, I've had a long talk... and I'm feeling a bit better now. Rational, at least...

I'm sorry about getting so upset...
Posted 6/14/2008 3:15 AM (GMT 0)
I am so happy that you are feeling better now.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/14/2008 3:18 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you... *Hugs*
Posted 6/14/2008 3:23 AM (GMT 0)
Celey, I am sorry you are feeling so down. Please know that everythingis going to be alright. Hang in there! Take some deep breaths. You are going through a very hard time, but it will get better. Here's a hug, Take Care, Bellski
Posted 6/14/2008 3:39 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah... I'm sure everything will be. Everything just kind of got triggered from a fight I had with my roommate... (Not really a fight... mostly, I just got yelled at... and I tried to explain myself... tried to say something that would... make it up to the roommate... didn't work)...

Now, that I'm rational... I realize that my roommate overreacted a bit. Especially considering she insisted that I move out...

And she's new... and has only been here a couple of weeks.
Posted 6/14/2008 5:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Celey,
Dont be so hard on yourself. I haven't met you yet but from what I hear you're a great person. I know what it's like to feel like your a burden. I've felt that way my whole life. But ya know what? I was wrong, and so are you. You have a purpose. And I think that we go through these hard times of needing help so that some day, when we're strong enough, we'll be able to be the helper. You'll be able to relate to people who feel like no one understands. And being needy sometimes teaches people compassion. How would you know how to help someone unless you've been there? (I think I just had an O moment) sorry just trying to take my own advice. But I feel ya and you're not alone. Even when you feel very lonley, your never alone!
Hope you have a great day tommorow! Sending love your way!!!!
Posted 6/14/2008 6:49 AM (GMT 0)
In keeping with the ideas of never being alone in the fight, there was something i did with my closest friends that several of the ones with depression, BPD, and anxiety adopted. The version we use is called the Pitchfork Pact, but by any name, the general principle remains the same: no doing anything you may later regret or that's final because you feel alone or overwhelmed. Call first to any of the Pact members, any time, any day.
To give you a general idea, it got it's name because the binding and cardinal rule is "If you 'do something stupid' [our phrasing for inappropriate actions stemming from these things], we're going to come after you with a pitchfork. And, no, we don't care if you think you escaped to the Other Side, you're coming back by pitchfork point anyways. There is no excuse that will convince us otherwise, so don't even bother."

If you have anybody you're really close to that is willing to accept it in its entirety, you may try something to that effect. Works for us.
Posted 6/14/2008 9:09 AM (GMT 0)
Celey, you are not a user. No way. You are a sweet soul. We do what we have to do to survive. I was on welfare for many years, now I work and study and try and heal. There is hope ok. Even I have to believe it know. Don't give in.

Posted 6/14/2008 5:01 PM (GMT 0)
I definitely feel better now... but I'm kind of on edge. Everything seems really overwhelming and... scary. I mean, I'm not afraid I'll be hurt (physically)... But... I'm afraid.

I am very convinced that I will be better off just keeping to myself from now on (when it comes to dealing with my roommates)... I'll withdraw slowly, so nobody really notices... Then, I'll go into full withdrawal... and if anybody asks, I'll just tell them I'm feeling really ill...(Probably won't be far from the truth at least for right now...)...

I really can't deal with the added stress... Last night, I made myself sick because I was crying so much... and I feel kind of angry with myself for having got as upset as I did... I was really messed up. I shouldn't have thought the things I thought...

It's better this way... I don't get involved with my roommates... then they can't get mad at me or feel bad (or suspicious) when I'm not feeling well... and nothing bad happens...

And I don't have the added stress....
Posted 6/14/2008 5:52 PM (GMT 0)
Heej Celey,

I hope you are keep on doing better. I think it is a good idea to withdraw yourself when you start to feel like that. I used to do that myself (and still do) to get my head back in order again, and it does help. When I am around people I don't know very well, or people who I have certain feelings for, I become very insecure and eventually sad. Some time, like 5 minutes, on my own will help me get my head straight again. Sometimes I will leave, and sometimes I feel good enough to continue. Anyway, leaving can be a much better option than staying and feeling increasingly bad.

I can't help but to start my spiritual chitchat again, as you mention you are angry with yourself. Because that is weird, saying "I am angry with myself". There is an "I" and a "Myself". Who is the "I", and who is the "Myself", because there can't be two of you. Feeling bad, angry, ashamed of whatever for who of what you are will create resistance against yourself, which will ultimately result in even worse feelings. And it is unnecessary to create even more pain. It can be really to stop this thinking though, but practise will have its results. Just try to be aware every time you think something with an "I" and a "Myself" in the same sentence. Being aware of this can help you to deal with it. You might just feel a little better.

I wish you all the best for the future!
Erik
Posted 6/14/2008 6:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Celey,

Stress does effect us in so many ways. But don't blame yourself for being human. It isn't like you did anything wrong. If you are more comfortable keeping to yourself, that is okay. There is nothing wrong with that. I was the same way that you are. I figured that not having a relationship was easier than dealing with everything that comes with it. I still keep to myself a lot, but there comes times when we do need to be around people. I kind of keep them at arm's length, if you know what I mean. I try not to get too tight with anybody. That is why I like the forum so much. It is easier to talk for me.

Just don't blame yourself for being who you are. You will come to recognize that you are okay. It is just you. And that is okay.

Good luck,
hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/14/2008 7:12 PM (GMT 0)
I did do a few things wrong... really small things, but it was enough for my roommate to get very angry with me, and I just felt so bad, afterwards... *Still feel really bad* I am pretty aware now that I am only human, and that I make mistakes. And that I don't need to beat myself up about it...

I am only going to withdraw from my roommates (I have this feeling of dread that some big explosion is going to happen, and that I will get caught in the middle of it.)... I will still keep in touch with others on the college campus that I feel safe and comfortable with because those are the positive experiences that I need....
Posted 6/14/2008 7:59 PM (GMT 0)
Celey,
I've found that TV is a good answer to my feelings. Sometimes I feel kinda like you do. Posting helps. One foot in front of the other and keep that remote in YOUR hand.
Pamela Neckpain
I'd rather take a walk or something. Physical condition does not allow for that.
Posted 6/14/2008 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
I've formulated a plan... for if a big explosion does happen... something that I won't get caught in the middle of... and no one will be able to hurt me (emotionally)...

I've decided... that if a big explosion does happen... I will freak out. I will cry and scream... and lock myself in the bathroom... and turn the water on... and start scrubbing at my arms and keep crying and screaming... Probably until someone is called and they haul me away.

I figure I'll only be locked up temporarily... I might get a label put on me for the rest of my life... *I mean... I would explain myself to the doctors later, but that probably wouldn't change too much* But... I'm... not well, anyway... so it doesn't really matter much.* But I think it's the only way that I'd actually be able to save my sanity... because...

I won't be able to handle a big explosion... I'm too on edge... too depressed... Even little things are difficult to deal with...

So... If I can freak out on my own, then I won't... freak out for real and lose myself...
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