Today is not a good day ….

  Once more I have no hope no reason I cant explain it. It has always been there sometimes its in my face sometimes silent in the back of my mind but its always there.   I took a walk to the ocean this morning it was crisp the wind sliced trough me at times it was as if it intensified what I felt inside cold, lost, distant I don’t really have the words to express what it felt like or what I feel like now. I just sat there on the rocks watching the waves break row upon row I watched the whales and the birds but there was no connection it felt as if I stood in a bubble isolated from it all it seemed so far so unreal   I thought of how many times I have talked and pleaded with my two friends to not give up how sad it made me, how frustration and fear of losing another left me hopeless with tears, how I knew the feeling I knew that words didn’t mean much how tired they felt how death seemed the only way. How Conni gave up and how Dawn will soon follow if nothing changes.   I thought about who I am what my life is all about it all just seemed a waste of time moments of movement of pretended smiles and actions how I couldn’t find meaning in any of it …how I needed to so desperately ……..     I spoke to God to .. in spite of my doubt I cant dismiss that there has to be a God and if there is a God there has to be a devil and the war for our souls the life death hell eternity   story it could be real. They keep saying when you hit rock bottom when you reach the end of your rope God will be there that you need to let go and   let God help you that His love and grace is beyond comprehension that meaning and hope lies with Him…..   I am lost empty I haven’t been able to find hope in the world and as much as I want to find hope in Him I cant He knows my heart He knows there is nothing there….. All I see is myself   a failure ,selfish and wasteful never changing never getting away from the emptiness in my heart the darkness in my mind no matter what I do this is me ………..

Dark,

You express yourself so well. Have you ever thought of creative writing. Even if it is sad, people will read it. Also could help you to get it down on paper. You have a talent with the way you write. Something to think about.

I think that Shy has a good point. Maybe find a church that you can feel comfortable with. Get some insight. See if these feelings have any merit when it comes to God. He could be trying to connect with you in little ways that you can't really see due to the cloudiness from the depression.

Either way you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Luv and hugs, Karen...

Dear Dark
Try picking up a book and learning more about tipics that intrest you. It sounds like your in a conflict with your disere for mental stimulation. You need to wipe away those deeper emotions with a sweep of positive thoughts. Remember, being sensitive to your inner world doesn't mean you have to obsess over it. Every once in a while I find myself hiding in the shadow's of darkness, but then I remember. " you have got to put one foot out there to explore the wonderful possibilities that are right in front of you. I have learned how to use my past experiences to build on my better 2morrow's.
My husband is a genetic alcoholic, (by that, I mean is mother was also an alcoholic). We have struggled with that for years. Last year he was diagnosed with Large B Cell Lymphoma, once again I stood by him through his Chemo., but wouldn't you know, he still drank. this year he is drinking even more. I still felt the need to stand by him. Recently, I demanded he get's help or he gets out. I understand alcohol is also a disease, just like cancer, but now I'm starting to realize that this entire time I keep fight his battles I've ignored my needs along with my health. My entire world has been crashing down on me and my attention was so forcused on him, I didn't even see it coming. I now take atleast 30 min., out of my very busy day to find me and try to put me back together. It's not easy but I know in my heart if I don't I will loose sight of me.
Dark, for your own health and peace, you need to dig deep with-in and find something that intrest you, something you can make your own and before you know it, you will find life can have endless possibilities.
Best wishes to you
Bonnie

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Hello Bonnie,

Would you like to start a thread of your own? That way we all get a chance to meet you and you will have your own place to share your good and your not so good times with us.  Welcome to HW.

Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 6/13/2008 10:41:35 AM (GMT-6)

Sorry Kitt, I hope I didn't offend anyone. I don't want to break the rules. I think I might have wrote too much in the forum I just started on anxiety. It's just what I'm struggling with now. But I'm very sorry if I did something wrong. I will keep this in mind in the future. LOVE!!!