Relationship with a depressed person...need advice...

I have a question for everyone...I just recently have gone through a break up. Although, he didn't actually want to "end it" or so he kept saying. He told me, eventually, that he was experiencing a state of depression and that for the past year, that he was "with me" he hadn't gone through that...so he thanked me for it, saying I was the reason.

We had a wonderful relationship, seriously. We believe the same things, have the same values, want the same things out of life...we were talking future marriage and everything was going exceptionally well. Until one day about three - four weeks ago...it's like he's a totally different person. He told me last week, that all he wants to do is sleep, that he's isolated himself from everyone, including his family, that he just doesn't want to "talk" to anyone.

I know that he knows he's fallen into a state of depression...he's told me he can't "see" a future at all, not for himself and certainly not with anyone. He did lose interest in all the "normal" things he had been doing, sort of shutting himself up for two weeks or so. He told me at that point, that he just needed some "time"...to give him a few weeks to get back to normal. I didn't understand at all what was going on...so I said to him, "you'll never find anyone like me again"...his response was "I hope I don't have to look"...meaning, he hopes that I would still be here for him...he's told me several times now, just give him some time, a few weeks, etc.

Then, last week, he started talking to me again and sounded more "normal"...at least interested in some of the things we used to do together...but two nights ago he suddenly tells me that he just doesn't "feel" for me anymore, although he had been telling me each night again, that he loved me. He says in his mind, he knows he loves me and that I am everything he's ever wanted, but he just doesn't have the same feelings that he once had for me. That he thinks that maybe what he felt before was "puppy love" or something cause those feelings just aren't there anymore...mind you we are both in our mid 30's...we are not kids in high school.

Then he told me that I could find someone better than him and that basically, he just wants to be alone for the rest of his life...but at the same time, he tells me that he wants to share everything with me...that whenever something happens in his life, I am the first person he wants to call, etc. When I met him, all he could talk about was how much he values marriage and wants to have a family one day...for a whole year, we have talked about that...and now suddenly he thinks he will just be alone. ???

I am so dang confused, I don't know what to do. He's not on medication and actually refuses to take anything, saying that in the past when he tried it made him feel even worse, causing hallucinations and the feeling of being a zombie.

The thing is that for the entire year that we met...he was very positive, very confident and never had any doubts about "us"...he knew exactly what he wanted and was very happy. I know he loved me without a doubt...I have cards and all sorts of things that he gave me saying as much, plus his actions...he was awesome. This just seemed to come from nowhere...one day he was all about "I love you sweetie" and then next "I want to be alone"...???

I don't know how to handle this? Do I just give up on him and move on? I love him so much...we had planned to spend the rest of our lives together and I thought he was the man of my dreams...but I don't know how to handle this all...in fact, its causing me to go into my own state of depression. =(

We have tried just stepping back...trying to just take it easy, friends...but its really difficult for me...I don't want to be just his friend.

Could this be temporary? Should I give him the time he needs or should I realize that it is over? I just don't know what to do...his own words contradict himself and up until a month ago or so, I know he was deeply in love me...sending me cards, calling me several times a day...excited to talk to me and see me. Now, its like someone flipped a switch and its all different...although, he still wants to talk to me, he says I make him feel better whenever we do talk.

?????

I don't get it...can someone give me some advice??? Is there any hope that we can make it out of this??

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It sounds to me like he is feeling confused, maybe his depression is causing him to feel cold and detached, that happens to me sometimes! I just pull back from the world and stop feeling for a while, it's kind of like a defence mechanism! Or it could be that he is scared that he'll hurt you and wants to pull back from you before he does! I think you need to encourage him to get some help as it sounds like he's going through a really bad time at the minute!

Confusedli said...
It sounds to me like he is feeling confused, maybe his depression is causing him to feel cold and detached, that happens to me sometimes! I just pull back from the world and stop feeling for a while, it's kind of like a defence mechanism! Or it could be that he is scared that he'll hurt you and wants to pull back from you before he does! I think you need to encourage him to get some help as it sounds like he's going through a really bad time at the minute!

That is what I am thinking.  I know he's not feeling real close to anyone right now. For instance, last Saturday was his birthday and his family had a little get together to celebrate...all he wanted to do was go home and be alone...he left as early as possible.  Also for about a week and a half, I know he was just sleeping constantly.  I don't know how to approach the subject of getting help...as he's pretty much told, he's not going there...tried it in the past and it didn't help or so he claims. I have been trying to read up on how to be supportive whereever I can find information, but boy is it tough to deal with.

He's been telling me since this started to just be patient...give him some time, a few weeks to get past this...I believed we would be okay and I was prepared to back off...until the other night when he told me he doesn't "feel" anything for me...now I am just afraid I have lost him, at least in that loving way...I know he wants to be friends, he still chats and with me and calls me daily.

I don't want to give up on him, but at the same time, I have been feeling so hurt myself...I miss him.  I miss the fun we had and I miss the future dreams that we shared. =(

Post Edited (nina62) : 6/21/2008 2:30:22 AM (GMT-6)

Eej Nina,

Distancing yourself from the world sounds so familiar. I used to do exactly the same thing when I was depressed. The nights where the best times of the day, I always made excuses not to go to party's or meetings, because I didn't wanted to see anyone. That is what depression can do.

So it's up to you whether you will wait for him to become normal again, or not to wait anymore. Judging on your description of the relationship, waiting could be a good idea. Also, if he is moving to you, stress can play an important factor. Stress can make things so much worse.

Meds could help him, but if he is opposed, don't force him on it. There are others paths you can choose, like relationshiptherapy, or counseling. I think he will feel better once he is on some sort of counseling, but as a man, he probably won't go looking for help himself. You should help him with that.

I hope things will work out alright,
Erik

getting by said...
The one thing that you have to realize is that you cannot fix him. He has to do that himself. But you can be there for him. I wish that he would consider medications again. There are so many different meds out there and he probably was put on one that was not right for him.

Hopefully for you, he will complete the move, it is clear that he loves you. He just goes into the funk of depression and doesn't want to be around ANYBODY. I know how that goes. But he does LOVE you.

So I guess it is a waiting game, giving him distance about the move will take the pressure off. Just make it clear that you care and are going to be there for him. But in the meantime, don't stop living your life. You don't want to lose what you have going waiting for him to make this decision. Can you talk him into counseling? That would help him so much. I know that you care for him. And you are doing things right by being there. I honestly hope that this works out for you and him. You sound like a wonderful couple.

Good luck, and I hope that this helps some.

Luv and hugs, Karen...

  Thank you so much.  We are a wonderful couple...he's literally everything I ever wanted. I didn't have any idea that he struggles with depression though....never he had a clue.  I am going to try to just give it time, as everyone has suggested...but we will be in contact as I know he also needs some to communicate with and theres just no way I can't not hear from him anymore.  I will keep praying and if he seems at all open to suggestion, I will do my best to recommend counseling...he's pretty stubborn in that area though, so I don't want to push it. 

Its hard to understand that its "not" me....even though he's told me that several times...I guess the other night, just sort of crushed me, I know he does have feelings for me...even though he might not recognize them right now...there's no way he would want to talk to me as much if not.

Thank you all for your support, it means a great deal to me.

getting by said...
It is NOT YOU...

He is afraid of hurting you when the depression kicks in. I know he loves you very much, otherwise he wouldn't even open up to tell you about the depression. You two are very close, that is obvious.

Once he gets a grip on this, I am sure he will be fully in your life.

Just don't blame yourself, and be there when you can for him. I know that this is going to work out, unfortunately it can take some time. I hope that you can be patient, just don't put your life on hold. You deserve a life too. Time will tell.

In the mean time keep posting, we are here for you.

Luv and hugs, Karen...

Again, thank you so much...I feel like you have given me some hope again.  I do know that he loves me and yes, we are very, very close...even this week, he told me there is an undeniable connection, that I am the only person he's ever felt as comfortable with.  I know that when we don't talk...he seems to sprial more into depression.  But, I also know that I can't push our relationship or my feelings on him right now.  I am going to just do my best, to be patient, say prayers and offer his some support whenever I can. 

Right now, we are working together on some blogs...we sort of created a "mission" for ourselves, something we are both interested in...I am going to try to keep him focused on that...as I know that it helps when his mind is occupied. 

I will keep posting here...I will need all the support I can get through this as well. 

Thank you so very much! 

=) Nina

Just by the title, I am sure that it would help you and him. Another book that is good is "the new mood therapy" It is about congnitive thinking, or behavior therapy. I like the older version better than the new edition. So if you can find an older one, it would help a lot.

You seem to be clear in your thinking, and you are very supportive of him. I am happy for that. I think that you have a good idea about keeping his mind occupied. You are his therapy in a way.

Good luck,

Love your posts.

hugs, Karen...

getting by said...
Just by the title, I am sure that it would help you and him. Another book that is good is "the new mood therapy" It is about congnitive thinking, or behavior therapy. I like the older version better than the new edition. So if you can find an older one, it would help a lot.

You seem to be clear in your thinking, and you are very supportive of him. I am happy for that. I think that you have a good idea about keeping his mind occupied. You are his therapy in a way.

Good luck,

Love your posts.

hugs, Karen...

So, I just told him that, although I am going to do what I need to do for me, I am not going to "go away" or disappear from his life. I said, "I am here to stay mister, no matter what our relationship is, friends, lovers, dorks, business partners, obnoxious protestors, successful writers, confidants, comrades in the fight....WHATEVER!!!"  That "you're not going to scare me off that easy"

And his response was..."good"...that he will like that I am here.

So...again, I seem to have a little more hope...I am not going to give up on him or on "us"...just be patient and wait this out.

Thanks to all of you for giving me the courage and support I have been looking for in the past couple of weeks.  I will be a permanent fixture here to support all of you as well!

Angels are all around us!  ;)

Hi Nina..one more lil bit of info. and it's only from my own experience - depression for me never comes on suddenly - I can appear cheery on the outside for quite some time..in fact I am an expert at this and it takes a little trigger like maybe moving - like your partner - something out of my comfort zone anyway - and then aaaargh it hits real bad..and yes I push people away etc. but it's only coz it's like I don't want them to see me so low..   but in actual fact I do need people around me to help me get thru lol...hang in there Nina - can you visit him in the near future? - I see from your post you are doing the long distance thing just now..that way you will see for yourself just how things are for him just now..when I feel real bad - leaving the house and going for a walk can be a really scary thing at first - usually takes a few attempts to do it..and takes a heck of a lot of patience from my husband bless him :) and you :) x

Sista J.

Hoping12 said...
Glad things are looking up.
One word of caution though.Because I care.
If he found this forum and this thread,he can peek in anytime and see posts that you might have wanted to keep secret from him or just for us to see here.
It also can become tempting to post things indirectly to him,in hopes he reads them.
It can get pretty sticky.
I have just broken up with someone,and the last thing I want is for her to find this forum and peek in on things.
Please keep that in mind.
Its a very good point in my opinion.
I might get frowned upon for saying this,but I am just an outside observer,and can see your situation very clear.


Hope it all works out.
Brian

Thank you...and no...that is not the intent here at all.  I needed to find some help myself, cause I was beginning to spin out of control as well.  The words, thoughts and experience shared has helped me a great deal and I am most grateful to all of you. 

As for "peaking"...I don't believe he will, simply because we do share a mutual respect for privacy.  I will be mindful of that though, just as you suggest...certainly, no messages directly or indirectly to him will be posted here. 

Thanks again...and as Bonnie Franklin always said taking it "one day at a time!"

getting by said...
Nina,

That use to be my favorite show. LOL...

And I am glad that you are happy to have found this site. I am happy that we have helped you. And one day at a time is what we all need to do. Sometimes it is hard, we dwell on the past and worry about the future, but true happiness comes from living in the moment. I am so happy that you are having a good day.

Stay with us, we really love your posts.

Luv and hugs, Karen...

LOL!  Yea, I used to enjoy watching that when I was younger too.  =)  I guess I should have carried the motto through a bit more though! 

Well...we had another really good day today...I am really feeling a lot better, have a lot more hope and I can't thank all of you enough in here...I think because my attitude changed...it helped his.  I feel so much better understanding what goes on...and feel that maybe we can help each other even further now. 

I wish I could return your support somehow...I will say lots of prayers for all of you...but please let me know if there is anything else I can do to show you all how appreciative I am for your very kind words!

Forever grateful and all my love,

=) Nina

getting by said...
Nina,

You are so sweet. We just try to be supportive of eachother, we understand because we all have been there I guess. Just your kind words are enough.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You will always have all of our continued support.

Luv and hugs, Karen

Hi Karen,

I hope you are doing well today!  =)  We are doing okay...yesterday was not a "bad" day...but not as good as the weekend either.  I know there is likely to be some up and down days, I am okay with that, I think.  I just have to keep my own spirits up...I do so my turning to prayer.  Today, so far, has been a good day and I have hopes that it will be even better tonight, as we are supposed to "work" together.  I also received one of those books we talked about above...so hopefully I will learn some new things and it will help me to "cope" better as well as be more supportive, without becoming a burden or codependent. 

There is no way I am giving up on him and no way I going to let this icky illness ruin the dreams we shared together.  I know that together we can do anything, even learn how to live with this!  ;) 

Love and hugs back at you...always!

=) Nina

Hi there!

This is my first tim on the site and I just wanted to say thank you to Nina for sharing this - and to everyone who has chimed in with support. Reading your posts, Nina, I am struck but how simliar our situations are.  I"ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and we were so happy and in love, and we communicated well and had plans, etc.  And meanwhile I thought our relationship was helping him cope with all of the bad stuff he's dealt with this year - a friend's suicide, deaths in the family, his mom being diagnosed with breast cancer (though they caught it early and she should be OK).  He reacted to all of this like everything was fine, and barely talked about it - in retrospect I think he was in denial and also afraid to show me how bad he was feeling.  And then one day out of the blue he broke up with me.  Just talking to him, he seemed like a different person. His thinking was so negative - like he would look at a 50% full glass and not just say it was half empty, but that it was all empty.  He told me he thought he couldn't make me happy, which wasn't rational, because he does make me happy.  But he also said while he felt so much loyalty to me and that he loved me very much and thinks of me as his best friend, he needed to "go through this alone" and felt he had to isolate himself.  He ended the romantic relationship, then got back together we me a week later, and then broke up with me again.  I was devastated.  It's all been really hard, and it's especially hard not to blame myself and/or take his behavior personally.  It's hard to know how much of him is actually him and how much of it is his depression.  He is getting treatment, thankfully, and his doctor has confirmed it's depression.  

For me, I've been faced with the same dilemma of what role I shoud play in all this.  He told me he wants me in my life and that he loves me.  For a while I tried to talk him out of leaving and point out the realities that our relationship is healthy, that he makes me happy, and that I want to be there.  But there was no convincing him, and so I've accepted the end of our romantic relationship (at least as we've known it up until now).  At first I felt I needed to be apart from him to move on and cope, but I know isolation isn't good for him and deep down I really think (and hope) it's temporary and just his illness and that as he recovers he'll be able to become my boyfriend again.  So I've decided like you to be patient, tough it out, and be there for him, without pressuring him.  It made him really happy when I told him that.  I think he needed to not feel so guilty about doing what he needs to do for himself.  So, I'm letting him take the lead.  But it gives me so much hope to hear that you and your boyfriend have been able to just enjoy each other and be there for each other even without the romantic relationship.  From all you've written, I think you're doing the right thing, and that it will work out OK for you.  And it helps me feel like I'm not alone and also doing the right thing.

So, thank you!  And thanks to you all!  Hang in there, and know you aren't alone!