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Posted 7/20/2008 11:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone/anyone...

I've never done this before, been too scared to to be honest, afraid of what people might think... I'm getting desperate though...

I am 19 and I have been desperately lonely, unhappy and driven by guilt for about 6 weeks. I used to live with my Dad for 18 years, then I got tired with living with him and so moved out. I moved out maybe for about 7 months. My Mum left when I was 9 but I stayed in touch always and we had a great relationship. Then about 7 weeks ago Mum moved back in while my Dad moved out, so I decided to move back home. Only now I'm suffering from intense guilt, everything feels like my fault here. I have 3 siblings who are my age and I feel like I'm competing with them to win Mum's affection. Then half the time I try to snap out of it, I feel silly for even feeling guilt like this because it's totally irrational and based on paranoia. But as soon as I'm alone I have to battle with my head, keep it under control otherwise I lose myself. I think I've cried more in this last month than my entire life. It just feels like it will never go away. In 2 months time I'm going to University, it's my only hope, the thing that makes me live each day. I can't wait to get to University but I am terrified that I will still be like this then, I don't want to crumble, especially as I've worked hard to achieve my goal. Someone help, give me some insight...

I've wanted to go to the doctors for weeks: I find myself at my worst during the evening and mid afternoon. The doctors here require you to make an appointment in the morning. Every night I promise to make that phonecall to get the help I need, but every morning I invariably feel miles better than I did in the night and never make the call. Only to regret it later on in the day. I'm also afraid that Mum will find out I'm going to the doctors for these reasons, nothing feels sacred with me anymore.

Appreciate any feedback, I feel so lost at the moment...

Edit:  I gave your thread a title............Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 7/21/2008 8:58:05 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/21/2008 12:04 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Noodlerabbit,

You have nothing to feel guilty about.  You have a right to live where you would like to.  I am happy that you are able to be with your mom especially since you will be leaving for school in a couple of months.

Once you get there it will most likely be a whole new exciting world.  I don't think that you will have time to be depressed to tell you the truth.  Unless you are suffering from some anxiety, then that might be something that you would want to talk to the doctor about.  But you sound to me as if you will be able to handle this just fine. 

I am very happy for you.  I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about.  That is just what we call stinking thinking on your brain's part.  Put those thoughts out of your head and enjoy life with your mom and siblings.  Try to love them all.  Try not to get jealous, that is something else that you may have to try to get out of your head too.  You will be missing them when you are away, so try to spend some quality time with them before you leave.

Also welcome to HealingWell.  I am so happy that you have joined us.  Feel free to chime in on any post and keep posting here.

Best wishes,

Karen...

Posted 7/21/2008 12:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Karen, thank you for your post.

I find this feeling so pointless... like I said I know how silly it sounds yet I can't help it. My Mum's in a bad mood and I think that I'm the reason, all the time. It's only when Mum brightens up that those feelings disperse. The thing is my Mum's unstable as well, although she tries to hide it she suffers from depression, mainly from financial difficulties and a sudden new burdon of being responsible for 4 of us (even if we are old enough to look after ourselves). I want things the way they were, I regret moving back in, although lonely living on my own meant I was only responsible for my own feelings. It's silly but I've always felt I'm to carry the guilt for everybody in the family, I've always done it but never felt this overwhelmed before.

The ironic thing about my guilt I feel is that as soon as I say don't be silly to myself, I then feel guilty for being selfish, it feels never ending like I can't win...

Rabbit

Posted 7/21/2008 12:24 AM (GMT 0)
Oh do I ever see myself in your post. When I learned the pleasure that I recieve for helping somebody else, I use to feel guilty as if I was using that to feel good. Does that make any sense?

I was the captain of feeling guilty.

Earlier you said that when you were alone, you were only responsible for your feelings. We it should be that way even when you are with others. My mother had mental health issues and she was the one who put me on the guilt wagon, and it took years to get passed that. So take it from somebody who has been there, you are responsible for your own feelings. She can't make you feel guilty unless you let her. So just don't let her.

You are taking on a lot of emotional baggage trying to control everything around you. I assume to make things run smoothly in your family. Well that isn't your responsibility. I did that and I am only assuming that you are going through the same thing. You want everybody else around you to be happy and most likely calm too. Well, my friend, you just have to have faith that everything will turn out fine all by itself. And if it doesn't then you deal with that as it comes.

I hope that I am on the right track here, I might be reading too much into this, just let me know.

I hope all works out for you, keep posting.

hugs, Karen
Posted 7/21/2008 12:32 AM (GMT 0)

I've never been to the doctors for anything like this, only to get tablets for migraines and stuff like that. To be honest I'm afraid of going to the doctors, what do I say to him? I just don't feel this is worth troubling a doctor with... Yet I desperately want to talk to somebody. Would he refer me to a counseller or something?

Tell me what you think

Rabbit

Posted 7/21/2008 12:39 AM (GMT 0)
Yes, it is worth talking to the doctor about. Write down on a piece of paper all of the things that you are experiencing. And even if they aren't bothering you when you see him, read them to him anyway.

Most likely you will see a counselor, that is if that is what you want. I think that it would be good for you. I think that it would build self esteem and get rid of the guilt trips. I go to counseling and I see a psychiatrist too. Plus my family doctor. So it is nothing to be embarrassed about or anything. And don't feel guilty for needing help. We all need a little help at one time or another, and catching these things early is even better. So make that call in the morning.

Good luck to you, keep us informed.

hugs to you, Karen
Posted 7/21/2008 12:45 AM (GMT 0)

That's a good idea to write things down for the doctor, I might do that....

Thank you Karen, I will go and see him and see what he thinks... I'm terrified but I've wanted to do it for ages.

I'll keep you posted

Rabbit

Posted 7/21/2008 12:52 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Rabbit,

Please let me know how it goes and feel free to post at any time. I hope that you find the answers that you need.

Many hugs, Karen...
Posted 7/21/2008 3:02 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Rabbit,

Welcome to HealingWell.  You have received some wonderful support and info from Karen.

I am sorry you are in this position right now and I know how lonely feels.

Please make that Doctors appointment and go to see the Doctor.  Remember guilt is a wasted emotion so kick it to the curb...............you don't need guilt.

Again a warm welcome

Kitt

Posted 7/21/2008 3:48 PM (GMT 0)

I've finally managed to make this appointment, I haven't got to be there for another hour. But I feel terrible, incredibly nervous and I feel really sick... I'm really anxious about talking to him.... But I've done it now and there's no going back....

Rabbit

Posted 7/21/2008 3:52 PM (GMT 0)
Good morning Rabbit,

Try to relax and breathe deeply. In through the nose and out through the mouth.

I hope that you have your list.

Let us know how it goes. I am sure that you are going to be just fine.

hugs, Karen...
Posted 7/21/2008 10:22 PM (GMT 0)

Well I went to the docs and I'm really glad I did. I've been given some perspective and he's basically given me permission to be selfish for once, I've always put other people before me and it's harming me at the moment. So even though it's not an immediate cure I can feel better already. I've already tried to adopt this way of thinking and not doing too badly, had a long chat with my Dad which was rewarding... Anyway I'll want to keep coming here to talk, I'm bound to still have my bad days but I'll try to stay high spirited. Thanks to your support Kitt and Karen :)

Rabbit

Posted 7/21/2008 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Rabbit,

I am so happy that your doctor's appointment went well for you. And I am happy that you are comfortable here at HealingWell. I think you will find this to be a place of comfort and support.

Did the doctor want you to go to counseling or prescribe any medications for you? Or is it just what was said that helped? Either way I am happy for you, and happy that you have found us.

Have a great day,
hugs, Karen...
Posted 7/22/2008 9:41 AM (GMT 0)

Although he's sure I am suffering depression he reckons given the circumstances it's definately short term and most of these emotions will evaporate upon going to University in a different environment. He said specifically... "to feel better you need to plan your escape" I've had a nightto think about it, it's great I feel like I'm allowed to be happy again, which is something I haven't felt in weeks.... It's really great...

He did say however that on a longterm basis that my I could needcounseling to raise the family issues I have but he doesn't reckon I will need this now anyway. He doesn't think I need pills either :-)  

So gonna try and have a good day today

Thank you Karen

Rabbit

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