Relationship with a depressed person...need advice...

chicagogirl said...

Hi there!

This is my first tim on the site and I just wanted to say thank you to Nina for sharing this - and to everyone who has chimed in with support. Reading your posts, Nina, I am struck but how simliar our situations are.  I"ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and we were so happy and in love, and we communicated well and had plans, etc.  And meanwhile I thought our relationship was helping him cope with all of the bad stuff he's dealt with this year - a friend's suicide, deaths in the family, his mom being diagnosed with breast cancer (though they caught it early and she should be OK).  He reacted to all of this like everything was fine, and barely talked about it - in retrospect I think he was in denial and also afraid to show me how bad he was feeling.  And then one day out of the blue he broke up with me.  Just talking to him, he seemed like a different person. His thinking was so negative - like he would look at a 50% full glass and not just say it was half empty, but that it was all empty.  He told me he thought he couldn't make me happy, which wasn't rational, because he does make me happy.  But he also said while he felt so much loyalty to me and that he loved me very much and thinks of me as his best friend, he needed to "go through this alone" and felt he had to isolate himself.  He ended the romantic relationship, then got back together we me a week later, and then broke up with me again.  I was devastated.  It's all been really hard, and it's especially hard not to blame myself and/or take his behavior personally.  It's hard to know how much of him is actually him and how much of it is his depression.  He is getting treatment, thankfully, and his doctor has confirmed it's depression.  

For me, I've been faced with the same dilemma of what role I shoud play in all this.  He told me he wants me in my life and that he loves me.  For a while I tried to talk him out of leaving and point out the realities that our relationship is healthy, that he makes me happy, and that I want to be there.  But there was no convincing him, and so I've accepted the end of our romantic relationship (at least as we've known it up until now).  At first I felt I needed to be apart from him to move on and cope, but I know isolation isn't good for him and deep down I really think (and hope) it's temporary and just his illness and that as he recovers he'll be able to become my boyfriend again.  So I've decided like you to be patient, tough it out, and be there for him, without pressuring him.  It made him really happy when I told him that.  I think he needed to not feel so guilty about doing what he needs to do for himself.  So, I'm letting him take the lead.  But it gives me so much hope to hear that you and your boyfriend have been able to just enjoy each other and be there for each other even without the romantic relationship.  From all you've written, I think you're doing the right thing, and that it will work out OK for you.  And it helps me feel like I'm not alone and also doing the right thing.

So, thank you!  And thanks to you all!  Hang in there, and know you aren't alone!

Hi Chicagogirl,

Yea, sounds much like we are in the same "boat" right now.  Ironically...he's where you are...Chicago.  Anyway, I'll be totally honest, we have had a really good week, but its not at all where we were...and at this point, I am not sure if we will ever return to that...although, I am trying really hard to be hopeful and positive that we will.  I do know that he loves me...but it is tough to be patient and of course, that makes it hard not to want to ask him or tell him exactly how I feel, which seems to just put pressure on him.

It was as I have said, totally bizarre and very much like someone just flipped a switch and this whole different person emerged.  He too was very positive and stong in mind and will...knew exactly what he wanted and was not afraid to go after it.  But for whatever reason, now he's less confident and actually seems to be unsure of everything...except for one thing that we both "fight" against, politically.

My heart aches for you...because I know how I have been feeling and imagine you feel much the same, but maybe if we "hang in there" together we will be okay.  This site and those who post here have really helped me in learning to cope, although, I still struggle...yesterday was a stressful work day for me, so I was really "missing" him as my comforter and supporter...we did talk and we had a good conversation, but I think I may have made him a little nervous by some of things I said...its really hard not to want to dream of a future again with him.  =( 

In any case...I am saying constant prayers and I do know that, whether he recognizes it or not, he does indeed love me...and I am sure your boyfriend does too...otherwise there is just no way they would look to talk to us and share things with us as they do.  I do think a lot of backing away comes from guilt...if your boyfriend is anything like mine, the last thing he would ever want is to be "burden" on anyone...he's very self-reliant and almost views dependence on another as a weakness.  Its not of course and we are made to need others....Lord knows I sure "need" him...he gives me the courage and inspiration I need to get through so many things in life...something I didn't realize I was missing until I met him! 

I'll keep you in my prayers as well...let's both "hang tough" and do our best to be patient...I am going to be certain that things will work out for both of us!

=) Nina

I am new to this site and also suffer from depression but after reading your problem I really feel for you.  My husband has had to deal with me feeling the same way as the love of your life does.  It is so hard to understand and even I had trouble trying to evaulate how my feelings were towards my husband.  We have been married 40 years this year and I love him so much but have to try very hard to show how much I do, he is more demonstrative than I am.   I have been on Citalopram now for 2 years, they were increased from 10mg to 40 during that time and if I feel low now on that high dose I know how bad I will feel if they are decreased but I know at some time that will have to happen.  My sister had ME and was diagnosed with Bi-polar and it took years for her to admit that she needed meds.  she was on prozac for a while which seemed to make her worse as it wasn't "regular" (if you can say that) depression she had, but her illness was one of the causes of her marriage breakup because of the complex symptoms.  She used to tell me she had no feelings and I couldnt understand that, the meds made her feel like that.  How could you not feel anything?  but after being on anti depressants I know the feeling. I did swing from being happy and excited to feeling very kow and sad before but the meds help me keep in between.  We can tell now the difference and hopefully can be more stable, but its difficult for a partner to be "included" and then "shut out".  My husband can tell before I can my mood swings and I am amazed at how astute to it he has become, even when he is half asleep in bed he knows.  It's very hard to be a partner and see your loved one suffer, you want to be there for them all the time, my husband sits and watches me (makes me feel spooked out sometimes) and I know he worries, but it's from a distance, he does little things for me to show he loves me all the time but he doesnt crowd me or pressure me, he knows a short cuddle is enough and other times he knows when I need more.  Communication is a good thing without pressure from each other, so I would say dont give up.  Isolating yourself is a natural symptom and whilst it isnt good for depression sometimes quiet time is what you need, it can be confusing but thats part of the illness.

This might seem its all about ME but when you are depressed its hard to think outside of the box.  But, hopefully this might give you some insight into the otherside.  What has already been mentioned by others has also helped me and is very insightful.  Keep going and I am sure he knows that you do love him and wont give up.  He might not feel he is worth being with so dont give up.