Help! I dont know what else to do!!!

Ok, Fisrt I apologise if I am posting in the wrong forum. It is not me who is depressed, it is my "girlfriend" I say girlfriend in quotations simply because we are having another one of those moments. I love this woman with all my heart and soul, she says she loves me too. THis woman has had a terrible life and now I believe its starting to wear her down. I encouraged her to go to a therapist, in which she has, she has also made an appointment with her doctor for medication. What I am asking for help with is, how or where can I go to get the mental and emotional tools to help better myself and strengthen myself to deal with her condition. Our relationship has been very taxing and its just recently I discovered she has been depressed, which would explain alot of her mood swings and alot of the suffering I have gone through during the time her and I have been together. I have done alot of research into depression and I am better understanding the pain she is suffering. I realise that alot of the things she says is not her talking, its the depression. Where can I go to better understand the stages? The ups and downs, the misdirected anger towards me? I love this woman with everything I am and I refuse to turn my back on her. She has noone else and I say that in the most serious of ways. Nobody else seems to want to deal with it where as I want to be there for her. I try so hard to put myself in her shoes and I can just imagine how lonely it must be for her and it is breaking my heart. I feel sorry for what she has suffered through however the fact I am staying by her side is not because there is nobody else, I stay because I am in love with her. I know I am rambling and this post is probably everywhere, I am just frustrated and I know its something to deal with me, so I turned to this site in hopes there may be someone else in a similar situation, and knows of what I can do, to relieve myself of this frustration and be better equipped so I do not contribute to her illness. I feel if I can become stronger and better able to handle this, I can still stay a positive in her life, not someone who contributes to the negative. Thanks in advance.

Hi Donnie, First let me welcome you to the forum here we are glad to have you and I do hope any and all advice/suggestions you get are helpful and supportive.

I have had depression forever it seems and indeed I too push those I most love away from me when I am in one of my depression spells.  Lucky for me I havent had one in quite some time...lol!  I do take an antidepressant and know I will always have to take one inorder to live a "normal" life...whatever "normal" means but, you get my drift right?  I am just trying to say that I understand the behavior of your girlfriend...and your right it isnt so much her as it is the depression.

For each one of us who have this it is different but seeking help either in the way of counseling or medications is the most important step.  You cant do that for her, you can encourage her strongly but taking it seriously in your mind is a totally different thing.  That stage or point in our lives is different for everyone.

She is very lucky to have your support and encouragement.  Please keep us posted on how she is doing and how things go okay?

HI Els and thank you too for the kind welcome.

I do know I can only encourage her, not force her. Its just the toll its taking on me as a person. I feel if I am better equipped I can relieve myself of these silly frustrations I am having. Which is why I turned here. Also if I may I just want to say depression to me doesnt seem like anything "not normal" You are all great people and just like the rest of us in my opinion. I dont look at it as something to look down on, And again I see it as a courage that you guys show! We all have demons and issues, its the strength and courage you guys show to deal with it, name it, and battle it. I have my own share of issues and demons aswell, I lack the courage you guys demonstrate to handle it right now! I tip my hat to all of you Again its you guys who are the heros, not I. Thank you so much again for the very kind words.

Hi Donnie,

Welcome to HealingWell.

I would suggest you read some books on depression. Have you ever thought about going to counseling yourself to help you deal with her depression? Even if you only go once, they might be able to tell you some books to read or some coping mechinisms to use. To maybe explain things to you so you know more about what she is going through.

If nothing else, I would suggest reading some books on depression and see where that takes you. It should give you a better insight as to what she is going through.

You are doing well by just being there for her. And it sounds like you give her the space that she needs to learn how to deal with her issues. It is a long process, but though it can be tough at times, it is quite amazing how the human mind can help itself. Allow her to go through the necessary changes, and just be there like you have been. Maybe ask her if she needs to talk now and then and continue by not pushing too hard. It sounds like you are doing all the right things right now. She is very fortunate to have such a compassionate person loving her and I think that with your help she will be just fine. Baby steps, and one day at a time.

Best wishes,
hugs, Karen

Thank you again so much everybody! Yes I seriously have considered going to a therapist myself and even expressed the idea to my girlfriend, her first reaction was wow then said dont because its too expensive. I laughed and then got serious with her and said money is no object and is no waste if it meant me being stronger and more able to handle the ups and downs. ITs for this that I really want to be able to do because in the beginning I wasnt well enough aware of her depression, and there is alot I probably could have done or said differently.

It does concearn me at this point right now ebcause I dont know how to handle this new "stage" She feels that if she were to relocate to another province or country, things will get better. Having done some reading on depression, I personally have come to realise that it may not be the answer, because without her admitting it, she has carried this burden for a long time and no matter where she is or goes it will just be a "quick fix" and what deaper issues she is battling will only resurface.

She is a big dreamer and I am the first to tell her follow your real dream and make it a reality, however inside myself I find I struggle with the thought that she just wants to escape and she believes leaving will "cure" her. I would never ever get in the way of someone following thier dream, let alone the woman I love but something makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up thinking its just as I said...a quick fix.

I dont know if this is typical behavoir or thoughts, or if its really her dream. So I am torn. She knows no matter where she goes I would follow if she asked me to and this is truth, however this is her home, and where she was born. I know she loves her hometown alot.

Finding this site has already given me alot of insight, and I am more than willing to go to support groups or therapy or anywhere just as long as I can help. Its not pity, its a genuine feeling the need to be there for her in everyway I can be. This woman is my soul mate and I would die for her in a heartbeat, but I wont let my ignorance nor my lack of education on the issue bring me down to. I will go through this journey with her as long as it takes and any advice given is greatly appreciated.

You all are truely wonderful people and to help a stranger shows just how amazing you people are. Let Karma shower you all with hope and happiness. Honestly from the bottom of my heart thank you all so much for the feedback, I already feel somewhat stronger having a voice and a forum to discuss my dilemas and trials. Thank you

Thanks alot Jane, oddly its not all that tough of a job I have chosen, I would do it all over again if I had to. I do feel aswell moving is not a good idea right now, but as I said I dont know whether its just one of her dreams (which it isnt really because there is nothing out there for her as of yet, just a whim and a prayer ) or if its just a "stage" which is common.

I too admire you and am proud of your you and your courage...its truely remarkable! That attitude alone shows you just how strong you are! Its not the job of those who want to help that is difficult or hard, its the job of those fighting this that have it harder. Sometimes it just feels I have hiccups walking down this path with her and sometimes question my own abilities. Its this that I came here for help. I know I love her and sometimes it troubles me when I get pushed too far away or hurt, that I wonder if I really should just "go away". I absolutely do not want to leave her, and my love for her has grown through all fo this, and the more I learn and understand, the stronger my love and compassion for her grows.

I wish I had a wand to erase depression from exsistance however realistically I know I cannot, the only thing I can control in all of this is me, and in order for that to happen benificially for myself and for her, I seek guidance, and guidance has been found in the words of strangers..For this I am eternally grateful! Thank you.

Hi guys! Thanks again for the words of encouragement, it is so much appreciated. Well today seems to have been a good day for us. We talked alot and she made many realisations and seems to be figuring alot out for herself, yet she still feels empty as she says inside. She says she knows I love her and she knows I am always there for her, yet still says she cant remember how to be herself anymore and doesnt remember how it is to feel love for someone. She always says she is sorry and I keep telling her that what she feels and what has happened to her isnt her fault. She carries so much guilt and pain inside her and blames herself for way too much and no matter how much I say its not her fault....she still doesnt accept it. I have no intention what so ever of abandonning her or walking away, my love for her is far too strong to allow me to do that. And I do try to escape things for awhile, yet my thoughts no matter what I do are consumed by her. She really is a fantastic woman and is so special to this world and I remind her everyday of that, but still....she just cant seem to accept that. Im mortified by the fact that everyone, and I mean everyone tells her its in her head or that she is being silly. Its to the point where I find myself angry at certain people in her life...including her parents. I cant believe they dont and havent seen the pain she is in. She tells me she has to be selfish right now for herself and I encourage this because in the end right now is all about her and her well being, I just struggle sometimes with the fact she pushes me away one day, and hold me so close the next. I admit its confusing at times and has been an emotional strain on me, but the more I realise and read from this site, the more I understand its a normal stage in what she is suffering through. I am just so afraid for her at times, if she recieves another kick to the stomach so to say...I dont know what else more she can handle especially being so fragile. I know my love for her cant save her or fix her, I am aware though that I can be whatever it is she needs me to be right now and I have committed my entire being to be just that. Everybody uses and takes advantage of this poor woman and I mean everybody. She doesnt trust anybody anymore so she says, but she is too trusting of people. She says she trusts me and I feel she does, but also says that something always flashes in her head about her past and its me who feels the effects from it. I know actions speak louder than words and all I can do is be who I have always been to her and let her find the answers for herself. I told her last night, I cant force her to love me, I cant force her to trust me and I cant force her to be with me, all I can do is stay who I am. LAter that night she told me I am the only person she can talk to about anything, she says if this depression wasnt happening, that we would probably living together now etc etc she then says if she didnt mess up everything would have been perfect between her and I, I cut her off and said stop. I wont let her blame herself for the trouble and ups and downs we have been through. I know its not her fault, and I try to convince her of that aswell, and assure her its just the illness. I told her that she can feel better again and she has every right to be happy in life too. I told her what happened between us is such a small thing that it didnt effect me at all, I then took her hand and put it on my face and said that I am still here beside her and I am not going anywhere. She smiled and said she wanted so much to say what she feels about me and tell me she loves me, but she just cant right now. This has to be a positive I would guess. I told her not to stress for this right now and said the improtant thing at this moment is her and her alone, I told her not to stress about "us" because we have all the time in the world. I just hope what I am saying and doing in terms of her is healthy for her and the depression and if I am doing something wrong I really need to know. I in no way at all want to contribute to this illness at all, I just want her happiness and health. Thanks again all of you. Just venting this all out is like my own personal self help and its so much appreciated having a voice in here and recieving feedback.

Hi Donnieboy,

It takes a special person to standby someone with mental health issues and I know how hopeless you can feel as a person with depression.

You do get caught up in all the guilt for the pain you know your illness is causing others and you get on a merry-go-round that is hard to get off of.

We are here for you and I am Kitt.  I have a husband that has gone through hades with me sometimes but although he gets frustrated and at his wit's end as what to do,  he is still right here.  Sometimes when depresssion has us deep in a hole just knowing someone is there to hold you and let you cry is the best thing in the world.

Bless you,  you are strong and you have grit.

Kitt

Thank you Kitt, oddly your words come as a great comfort as have everyones words do. I do hold her when she cries, we did that last night, she held me tighter than she has ever held me and told me she loves me so much. I assured her once again I am not going anywhere and I want to walk this road with her, I told her this is not scaring me and I will not turn my back. Sometimes she says its the wrong time to love her, I turned around and said its the perfect time to love her. It breaks my heart seeing her suffer yet I know I cant fix anything. I just wish sometimes there was some way to get through to her and show her I am not one of the bad guys. I said all I can say to her, I have been there for her through this all, I have shown her I am not going to leave her, now I suppose its in Gods hands. Ahhh the joys of love huh? lol brings out the best in us...I know that this trial has brought alot I didnt know about myself in me. Its weird sometimes I feel afraid that when she is all better again I will get forgotten, and then its her who tells me I need to be more confident with her lol irony?? She asked me to give her time, and time is what I give her because she is worth it, bizarre because she doesnt think she is.

Thank you...reading that actuallly just brought me to tears and I am so sorry for admitting that. I think I do need conseling because its been harder than I admit or I will show her. She is so special and amazing and it kills me hearing her say she isnt. Sometimes I feel my efforts dont pay off at all, then I see the way she smiles when she sees me and it takes everything I have inside me to not break down in her arms. Ill post more later, I just need a few minutes to regroup...again thank you so much for saying all you guys have!

Morning Donnie sounds as though you have had a draining evening .(((( HUGS )))) .
Fighting depression is much harder for me to fight than the cancer .I know i have pushed everyone in my life away and not even realising it until it was too late .I lost a son just over twelve months ago ,death is such a horrible thing .Depression isn`t much better .The thoughts that go through my head constantly has robbed me of so much .Not only that but the abuse i have suffered all my life has taken away so much .I have periods where i just do not want to go on .I have a husband who has been with me for a long time butsince a lot of this has come to a head he is only with me he but he isn`t htere for me ,i can`t talk to him about how i`m feeling or what this has all done to me ,nor can i tell him how he makes me feel .For a long time i have only existed from day to day .Maybe if i had his support things would of been different but somewhere along the way we have lost each other ,I`m not even sure if i love him anymore ,i know i miss him if he is not here and i know i feel so down when he is home from work on his days off .The psycharitist tells me it`s the depression that is making me feel like this but as time goes on i just feel it`s getting worse .I can now sit in the same room as him and not know what to even say to him .This really makes me feel so down .I see that i`m pushing away the only one i can say i have ever loved but i still can`t stop this horrid process .But i also know i could not live if i was not with him .
Have you even though of just spending a couple of days together with your partener and seeing how it goes ,by the sound of it the others in her life are the ones giving her so much negative ideas something she doesn`t need .
I hope you can both work something out .
Take care .
Jane

Hi Don,

It does sound like the symptoms that she is experiencing could be a part of depression. A lot of times there is fatigue and pain. And just an all over blah ness about things.

I think that you getting the tennis equipment is a good idea. I hope that she wants to go. She might have fun beating your butt. LOL...

But just getting her out for the exercise and the fun will be good for her. Just you remembering the things that she enjoys is going to mean a lot to her. You are a very thoughtful person and she is lucky to have you supporting her. Just think of you now and then and pace yourself with this. You are putting a lot of energy into everything. Go slow.

hugs, Karen

Hi all! Sorry for the long time between posts.

Ok now I am just as confused as ever. Since the perfect Sunday together everything has gone down hill again. As of right now I am still dumped, and the reason is as she says "in my head I dont want to come back" I asked why and she said she cant forgive herself for the pain she has caused me, I explained to her that it wasnt her who hurt me with the ups and downs, it was just her depression, she then asked why do I seem hurt all the time and I honestly answered its because she dumps me. She says shes afraid to come back to me because she is afraid she will hurt me again or mess up again, I tried to tell her its a risk I am willing to take but it fell on deaf ears. We spoke today and she hinted that she is sad for what happened to her and I and she is sad for what happened between us. She says she doesnt like the way things are between us now and doesnt like seeing me sad, I just assured her that her and I are ok but if I am sad its just because I miss her. Is there anything I can say to her that will alliviate her guilt for the hurt she thinks shes caused me? Is there anything I can say? She knows how much I love her and value her and cherish her, why did she give up? What can I do? All the time she tells me I am perfect, I tell her I am not, All the time she says she should and I deserve a chance with her? She says she doesnt trust herself. She keeps thinking she will mess up....What can I do? She also reminds me of a time when she had a girlfriend of hers who was depressed and with somebody, she said her girlfriend when she was feeling better just dumped the boyfriend just like that. She says shes afraid she will do it to me....Argh! I need some help...what can I do? Sometimes she also says she doesnt stop herself from dumping me and wont try because she doesnt know if she loves me enough...Is there something I am missing? Is this just a slow painful way of her telling me any slim chance of her and I are now finished?  Shes constantly saying she needs to be alone, but I hear thats the worse thing for someone who is depressed to be left as...alone.