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Posted 7/28/2008 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
sad   sad mad confused

       I am so confused right now.  I hate the way I am.  I am getting depressed/anxious as the sun is starting to set.  I even half way picked a fight with my husband.  I am in a terrible mood even though I got alot done today.  I feel like t total crap.  I'm constipated and I feel like I could throw up.  woohoo.  I am just not happy at all.  I feel awful.  I just want to be alone and stay in bed and sleep.  I dont want to think about anything at all and I dont want to eat or even smoke.  I feel so bad.  (I guess I'm having a pity party but I need to vent)  The reason I am so confused by all this is that I have no reason to feel this way.  None at all.  Everything is pretty much peachy.  My den is a disaster due to the yardsale stuff I've had to pile in there.   I dont know what to do to feel better.  I cant keep up like this.  Something has got to change.  What can I possibly do?  I am so exahsted.  There is nothing that can help me now.  Thats how I feel.  I feel completely alone and so sick, mind body and soul.  I think I'm gonna go insane.  I want to cry but I cant.  I am so numb right now.  I love my son and my husband so much but they are driving me crazy.  They aren't doing anything wrong it's just me.  I dont know why I feel this way.  I haven't really even been around them that much this weekend.  And still... I feel so bad.  So mad.  But what am I mad at?  AHHH I am so aggrivated with myself.  There is no reason for me to act or feel this way.  I hate it when I get like this.  No reasons for it.  And now I feel the grand old anxiety creeping in.  I need some serious help.  Something big.  I dont want to die at all.  I want something real.  I want to feel real.  and alive and well.  When will all of this end?  Do I have to be sick forever?  I cant remember one single moment in my life when everything was completely okay.  Why?  Nothing really tramatic has ever happened to me. I am from a family that loves me and cares for me.  My husband and son love me.  But still I feel unloved.  Still there is something I am searching for.  Something I feel I will never find.  I feel so hopeless and helpless.  Why cant I snap out of this?  I cant concentrate and I feel so sick.  I think I am dying.  I think that I have been dying for a long time.  I know that if you really think about it everyone is dying, one breath closer to death.  But I feel like I have some horrible disease that no one knows about.  I feel like I cant breathe or move.  I need to lay down for a long long time.  I feel so sick.  What is happening to me?  As the sun is setting deeper into the sky I feel this terrible sense of dread and horror setting into my heart.  And my chest literally hurts from all the trapped feelings in my head and heart.  I cant talk it out because there's nothing really to talk about.  I've already said it all.  Nothing makes this terrible black monster go away. I am seriously wondering if I might be bipolar or something.  Such bad mood swings and such exahstion.  I know I sound completely crazy right now, and maybe I am, because I certainly feel crazy.  I know this will all be gone in the morning.  I'll feel fine again.  Untill the dreaded time of sunset.  And then here I'll go again.  Does that make me a real lunatic?  I want to just runaway.  And I have absolutely nowhere I want to run to.  But I dont want to stay here.  I dont want to talk to anyone and I dont want to be with anyone.  BUt I dont want to be alone either.  The sad thing about all this is, only you here at HW and my husband knows about this.  EVeryone else sees this pretty young eneregetic woman.  They see the happy and perfect Rachel.  But I am fake.  I am so fake.  I can be very nice but right now I feel very mean. I hate this.  I hate how crazy I feel right now.  I hate that I am letting all of you see how ugly I really am on the inside.  I am smart, I might even be seen as beautiful.  I am kind and I am a good friend.  I am a good wife and mother.  I am a good worker and many other good qualities.  But I dont believe all of that.  I dont really feel all of that.  I feel like skum.  The worst of scum.  I dont know what to do.  I'm sorry for all this, I'll probly delete this post after a while.

Posted 7/29/2008 12:13 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Thirsty,

I can't remember if you are taking medication or not. But I would recommend seeing your doctor and ask about a mood stabilizer. I take one and it has really helped me a lot. But if you have no reason to be moody, that is probably what you need.

Are you seeing a counserlor? I would recommend that too. They can help you sort the feelings out. Especially when you are feeling down on yourself. You are a very special, smart and kind person. You need to learn to love yourself. And it sounds like you are blaming yourself for everything. You haven't done anything to blame yourself for. So try to relax, lighten up on yourself. Things will be better tomorrow like you said. I kind of like when the sun sets. I like night. I feel comfort in the darkness I think. I don't know why.

I hope that you feel better soon. And don't forget, if this doesn't look like it is going to get better, call your local crisis center and get set up for some help. But I really think that you will feel better soon.


Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/29/2008 3:06 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Karen,
I am on 40mg of Paxil a day and 15mgs buspar twice a day. Thanks for your advice and support. I dont know what I'm gonna do. I still dont feel better. I seriously think I might be dying.
Posted 7/30/2008 12:06 AM (GMT 0)

Rachel,

You are not dying...............now picture the red stop sign and stop the stinkin thinkin.  It is making you spin like a top.  You are ok, you have anxiety and depression.  You need to work with your therapist and your Doctor and things will get better but you have to believe.

Remember I am the stay in the moment lady. There are more advantages to being in the moment besides being able to decrease mindmade suffering. Some of those advantages are:

  • Clarity. When you are in the moment you have a much better focus and things flow naturally out of you.

    Calmness. You feel centred, relaxed and whatever you do you do more easily. Since you are not projecting into a possible future or reflecting on previous experiences there is very little fear holding you back.

  • Positivity. Since there is little fear, there are few negative emotions when you are in the present. Instead you move around on positive part of the emotional scale.

This is something you can practice everytime you get some dreadful thought, pull your mind back to the present and be where your at, in your home, with your  family, watching TV but kick those stinkin feedlins to the curb my friend. 

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 7/30/2008 1:17 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks yall. I am under alot of stress now so I'm going to chalk it up to that. And next week I'll try and find me a pdoc when I finally have time to breathe. THanks again. RAchel
Posted 7/31/2008 12:52 AM (GMT 0)
yeah  My Dear, I can identify with how you feel, but I am much older than you, have no home, have a family of 5 sons, all doing their own thing, no husband or even a friend to go out with. I have family where I am living and working but everyone is on top and busy with their lives, and I feel awful!! I am scared of the future because I am on my own, and the men I have met including christians are only interested in sex, yes, hard to believe and really shocked me, but that is the truth. I am not saying ALL MEN are like that, but I have just met a "Christian" man who has said to me that he does not want to see me unless it is a sexual relationship. I feel sad and lonely, but like most of us put on a brave face. I have been to Doctors in the past and am on medication, but seem to have this repeated cycle of low moral, spend money unwisely, in an attempt to feel better, which really only makes me feel worse. Thankfully I have been approached and asked to return to a mission station to help with the transmitting of the gospel to Asia and the Pacific and I have a lot of good friends there, a good church, and marvellous scenery. At this time I am boarding with a lady who is lovely but has totally the opposite beliefs as I do and I am just not coping. Should I return to the mission station, ( I get scared thinking about the 3200 ks to travel there, but I think it would be best ) At least we can help each other on this site and I do look forward to some replies. Morning is worse for me. Regards Amani. (Amani means peace in Swahili ) 
Posted 7/31/2008 3:27 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Amani,

Welcome to healing well. I beleive that you will like it here. All of the members are quite kind and understanding.

I hope that you continue posting, I enjoyed you talking about traveling to Asia and the Pacific. It really sounds interesting.

I hope that your day continues to be wonderful

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/31/2008 9:39 AM (GMT 0)
Thankyou for your reply, I'd like to tell you that I am not actually going to Asia and the Pacific, but to look after a transmitter that sends messages there, and I am at the moment 3,500 ks from the place where they transmit from. Just thought I'd clear the air about that. Does anyone else out there feel there is no future anymore?? It is an awful feeling indeed. I would love some input, I am on Ciprimil and Lithium, and I think they may help, but when I get depressed I worry about it not working and then what?? Would love to hear from someone out there. Amani.
Posted 7/31/2008 2:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Amani,
Nice to meet you. You sound like you have a very interesting life! I would love to do mission work someday. I do sometimes feel like there is no future. And I get scared as ever. I think it's part of the depression though. Like a feeling of unreality. I am on Paxil now and that's mainly for my anxiety. I am going to seek a pdoc though so I can get the right diagnoses and the right medicine. Hopefully I will feel better soon. I hope you will too. I will keep you in my prayers and if you want to you can email me anytime. I love hearing other peoples views on God. Sometimes I tend to miss what is right in front of my face and it takes someone else to point it out to me. Love to you sweet Amani!
Rachel
Posted 7/31/2008 6:35 PM (GMT 0)
Remember Amani - Part of being Christian is to have faith. No one knows the mind of God. What He does, He does for the good of all of us. I believe that there are times when we are in spiritual warfare. We must "trust" in Him. I have bad days too, but I keep reminding myself that He is leading me down the path, He is showing me the way to go. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Light. As this world keeps spiraling downward - We must "Keep Looking Up!" :)

If you're a reader, read "The Shack" - It is the most inspiring, enlightening book - It has opened my eyes! And I read the Bible daily.

I've been on anti-depressants for over 15 years due to Post Traumatic Stress Snydrome, due to an accident. I have just recently changed my anti-D from Zoloft to Cymbalta because I am in chronic pain, not due to the accident but to what the PainDoc says is Costochondritis or Fibromyalgia.

I live alone with my youngest son. I work 40 hours a week (in pain) and I barely make ends meet. I cannot afford luxuries. I live day to day. I am at peace most of the time, and have most recently prayed for Joy. My prayers were answered as I am going to be a GrandMother soon - thanks to my oldest son. I have 3 boys.

As for Christian men asking you for sex? Well then they aren't really Christian are they? They can talk the talk, but they can't walk the walk .... ;)

Pray to God and ask Him what you should do in regards to the missions. I'm sure He'll answer you. After all, you are doing His work ;) I'm sure you're one of His shining stars :)

God Bless you, and watch over you no matter what decision you make... I'll be praying for you too :)

Karen S.
Posted 7/31/2008 8:15 PM (GMT 0)

Hi KarenS,

Welcome to healingwell.  I am sure that you are going to be glad that you came here. 

You have offered some very good advice.  Having faith is so important.  And living in the moment also is so important. 

Congratulations for becoming a grandmother soon.  I am one and I love it.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  I have fibromyalgia also.  Have you checked out the fibro forum?  They also are a wonderful group of people.

Best wishes for a wonderful day

hugs, Karen

Posted 8/1/2008 12:53 AM (GMT 0)
Dearest Karen and Rachel, Blessings to you for talking to me,  and I do appreciate your prayers. You  have made me feel  so loved right now. I really need you all to "hang in"there with me, because friends and relations just do not understand. I have had 5 sons and my second son is right now on his way to Zambia with his wife and 4 children to teach the nationals how to dairy farm. They will be there about 2 years. My eldest son Richard is a nurse in the big gold mine in Kalgoorlie Australia, Bernard 3rd son is in New Zealand and is married to a Philipino and has 2 beautiful children. Hamish 4th son is managing a factory in NZ and Stephen No. 5 is looking after the farm that Anthony has left to go to Zambia. I lost my husband 8 years ago and married again after 2 years. Sadly that man also told me he was a christian but after we got married the truth came out and he said his heart was not in it and so we parted. I lost my home and a lot of money. Hence I am working and now cannot afford a home but Richard said he would buy me one and I can rent from him but that will not be for a long time. My spiritual life has sadly become eroded and I am not the person I used to be. Battling with anxiety and depression leaves me ( or all of us) somewhat bereft of feeling, conscience, and I need your loving arms around me just now. It is so good to be able to sit here and pour it all out and know that there are people who care and understand, we are all the same, and need each other and can help each other, even though  we have different lives and fears. My family are all good but worldly people and so are my working friends. They all say, go to it, life is short, do what ever!!! I have erred with that man and  nono  and now feel even worse. My mind changes about 50 times a day and there is just no peace. Do you really think I would be better on the mission station where I am surrounded by loving christian people in a safe environment where I cannot fall prey to the world and all it has to offer? I do not want to live like this anymore, but the moment I say to myself I shall go to the mission I have panic attacks. I care for very elderly folk in their homes and love it, but even that reminds me daily of the fact that is where I will one day be and what is done NOW is so important. I go shopping and buy things that I shall never use, at that moment it feels right but when I get home I change my mind.   redface   Karen may I say you are doing a great job with your son and the Lord knows your heart. I am so pleased that you feel good and I will pray that you will know real joy in your life. Thankyou for sharing with me, and Rachel you are so fortunate to have a loving husband and son and family, but that does not change the fact that you are battling with depression and anxiety. Of all the things we can have go wrong I think this is the hardest to deal with. I look so forward to hearing from you all again and anyone else that cares to answer this, it is heartening to know that I am not alone. Thankyou, blessings and love. Amani.  
Posted 8/1/2008 1:07 AM (GMT 0)
Amani,

You definately are not alone here, we all feel or have felt the pain that you are going through. So we understand. It is a scarey world at times and we want to grasp what is most comforting at the time. Sometimes we just want to go to bed and pull the covers over our heads. And other times we feel a little safer to venture out a little. But always seem to come back to what feels safe. I would say take it one day at a time, don't rush any decisions. You will follow your heart and decide what it is that you want to do. But try to live in the moment. Be aware of your mindful self. Try not to worry too much about the future or dwell on the past. That is the only way that I know how to live. Though I do catch myself doing the other, I always try to find my center and come back down to earth.

Best wishes to you, and I hope you find your path through this journey of life.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/1/2008 1:35 AM (GMT 0)
Hi thirstyforchrist, I am really sorry you are feeling so low. When I read your post I felt like I was reading something I wrote. Yes I write when I feel down and I self talk through writing. That is I talk back to myself as if I am in therapy and it helps a lot. I had been doing it since I was in my teens.

Your symptoms are classic of anxiety and depression. I hope the meds will help or maybe talk to your doc about changing them. Dont be hard on yourself. Believe the good things that you wrote about you cause they are true. I had totally given up and I found Healing Well. I found others who share the same ailments but more than anything folks who care. I have been greatly helped by these folks when I was at my lowest. I want to encourage you to hang in there. And oh, the thoughts about dying....you are not dying, its the way the mind works when depressed. You think the worst things and they are not true. You have gotten some good advice from the others so I will stop here. HUGS!!

Fayre,

You seem to have a busy family with them doing different things in different countries. Its easy to feel alone and lonely when family is not close. I am sorry about your marriage not working. It happened to me too. This man just used me to get into this country legally. I found out 3 weeks after bringing him and his child here. It was a big blow. I am Ok now tho. I know what you mean about the men just seeking sex..it just baffles me. If it is His will you will find someone who is different. Going on the mission sounds exciting and maybe what the Lord wants you to do. I think you will feel better once you make a decision. Being in a state of indecision is very stressful and brings on anxiety. Write down the pros and cons of going and see what you come up with. Whatever you do I wish you well.

Be well and blessed

GT

 

Posted 8/1/2008 4:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hey everyone.
Thanks so much for all of the advice and support. I sometimes think my heart will explode with all the love I feel for all of you here!
Amani,
Thanks for sharing more of your story. It must be so hard to have all of your family so far away. I think I would just die if my son moves away when he grows up. He is the light of my life. So no wonder you get down. I can only imagine your pain of being sepreated from your family. May I ask why you panick when you think about going to the mission station? It sounds like a wonderful opportunity. And maybe that's where He wants you to be. My advice for that is just pray about it. You will know in your heart what you are supposed to do. He will always come through for us! Keep posting my friend. We are family here. I'm so happy to have a new friend. Also, if you ever feel like talking you can email me anytime. We cant really discuss religion here so if you'd like to just email me. Love to you!

Gettingthere,
Thanks for your support and advice. It's always good to know I am not alone in this fight. I am going to see a new doctor for my eating disorder and hopefully that wil help alot. Thanks so much for being here for me. Love to you!

Thanks to everyone else. I am so blessed to have found HW. My life is so much better now that I have this wonderful family to help me out and let me help you. Love to you all!
Rachel
Posted 8/1/2008 9:49 AM (GMT 0)
Amani,

You are not alone, we're here, and He is with you. He said "He will never forsake you, He will never leave you" - Although at times you do not feel His love - He loves you. He loves you so much, He let His own Son die on the cross for our mistakes. I'm sure you do everything you can to protect your children, can you imagine sacrificing your children for a world of sinners? No Way! The most important thing we can do for our Lord is to serve Him... He comes first.

If you feel confused - read your Bible. If you feel not at peace - Read your Bible. I find so much comfort in the Word of God. I have been through hell in my life. It's made me stronger, and a bit wiser :) You will do what is right, I know you will. I know what it's like to be confused, to be sad, and feel alone. We're not Super Human, we're human. Count your blessings, by reading your words, I see you have at least 5 wonderful ones!!

Moderator Karen :) (so we don't get confused) - lol - Thank you for the welcome and for the kind words. I cannot wait for my first Grandbaby to arrive. She is due mid-Dec. I have checked the Fibro forum, but Thirsty & Amani caught my eye.

Rachel- I hope too that you will find peace and comfort. We were all brought here to share our lives, our love. For all the perversion, and pron that the internet brings, I thank God that there are places like these!! I appreciate the time and effort these moderators put in to keep this site going... so we have a shoulder to cry on.... so we have a hug to give...so we have a hand to hold....


Life is full of trials, heartache.... IMHO - I welcome death - that may sound morbid, but I know when I leave this planet I'm going to a place where no tears will be shed. And I know I'll see you all there - PAINFREE :)

Keep the faith! Keep Looking up :)

Karen S...
Posted 8/1/2008 10:59 AM (GMT 0)
Karen S,
Thankyou so much! It is so good to have a good place like this on the web isn't it? I dont know what I would've done had I not found this site. You are such a strong person. If you ever want to talk you can always email me. Love to you!
Rachel
Posted 8/2/2008 11:33 AM (GMT 0)
Rachel - I sent you an email - nothing much. Just a note to say "Have a good weekend!" And also so that you have my email.
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