DEPRESSED AGAIN OR STILL

    I thought that I was starting to feel much better,but it seem like so much is setting on my shoulder that I can not handle it anymore.  I was doing fine for awhile.My husband and I had a big falling out and I knew that I had enough of it,so I lashed back and told him what I tought and how I felt.Ever since he has much better to me,and is a lot more polite to me,by saying thank you and please.What a big difference those words can make it a persons life.We are going out a little more then we used to,but only as money will let us,even if it is McDonald's.So we are doing better in that department,and we have started to tackle our basement a little at a time together.We have a long way to go,to make it look the way I want it to look.It is just the little things in life that make me feel better.But he still does not understand depression.

   I am on Permanent Disability,and my little check each month only goes so far.I sat down and made out all of my house hold utilitie bills.We each have two seperate checking accouts and have for years now.Anyway,after I got finished paying all of those bills,I only had $8.28,left in my checking account,and no I have no money to pay all of  my medical bills.I only can afford the minimun on them,and even at that it comes to about $375.00 a month.So I can not pay any of them and I am getting calls all of the time,and not knowing what next month is going to bring,I tell them that I will try and sent them something.Now all of the promises that I made last month,I can not keep and  do not remember who all I promised.I don't know what to do.As far as getting a job,I would like to get a part time volunteer job somewhere close by,but don't know where.It would have to be sit down job.I don't even know if S.S.I. wouldl allow it.Then on the other hand,I need the extra money,so if I am going to go out and work,why not get paid for it.I don't know what to do.All I know is I have all of this running through my mind and don't know what to do.All I want to do is sit down and cry,but I know that will not do any good.My depression is so bad now that I stay up until about 11:00pm,so that I can stay in bed until at least noon time,unless I have some place to go.

  I have two or maybe three surgeries coming up the rest of this year.Part of me,hopes that I will just go to sleep and never wake up again.If that is not called depression,I don't know what is.I am up in many ways and down in more ways.I keep telling myself that I put up a good front by smiling on the outside but crying onthe inside.I feel like I have been doing that most of my life.

   The therapist I was seening,quit where she was working at,and move on to another job that pays more,and I can not get into see her.They want to start me with another therapist,but I don't want to start over,and there again,it involves money that I don't have.

   Well,I am going to stop now,I have said enough for this time.I think all of you get the hint as to the mess I am in.I need a miracle to get me out of the mess I am in.

   Hope to hear from some of you soon.I appreciate all of the help anyone can give me.

                                                                Thanks for reading and listening

                                                                    san's

     STILL DEPRESSED AND CAN'T SEEM TO GET OUT OF IT.

     I had medicaid at one point,and then I ran out of the amout of medical bills that you have to have in order to recieve Medicaid.I was with out any insuance at all for six months,then I was about to get my Medicare Card,but they only pay 80% of the bill,and I have to pay the other 20%.After a while those bills beging to add up.I went down to try and get another Medicail Card last month,and I was told that I did not have enough medical expence to qualify.I did give them about $34,000.00 in medical bills,but they told me that I can not use the same ones that I used to get Medicaid before.I ask why,when they are still considered an out standing bill and I am making payments of them.The only I got was that they had to be new medical bills.I wanted so bad to rant and rave about the system,but I figured it would get me no where,except more up set than I already was.I am hoping that with the next two or three surgeries will enough to get me a medical card and then they will pay for those bills,but I still have the old bills to deal with.The medicaid card will only pay for the medical bills that I have created here in West Virginia,and sometimes it will cover a doctors appointment or surgery if it is just outside the West Virginia area.I just hate not being able to pay anything on any of medical bills this month.It really up sets me,but I have always been able to pay at least $5.00 toward the bills to show that I am making an effort,but my hands are tied this month,and I really feel bad.I went to bed crying because I was so up set,and I woke up this morning the same way.

    I should not have,but this afternoon,my husband had to out to a meeting from 2:00 - 3:00 so I had him drop me off the Mall near me.I just picked up a couple of things from the Dollar Tree and sat down and got me a coke in the eatery that is in the Mall.I feel a little bit better by getting out for a little while,but would of had more fun is I had some more to spend.That is a lot of my depression.All I do is pay bills and never have any money for to anything with.

   I know that it is only August,but December will be here before we know it,and I have 11 grandkids and a great grandson to buy for.There are a lot of good sales out there and I know that there will be more coming up and once again,I will be broke.That preys on my mind as well.Last year,my daughter came over and took me out and she  paid for everything I pick up for Christmas.I don't want her to do that this year.I always try to look ahead.I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.I just seem like I can't seem to get ahead,no matter what I try to do.I feel like there is always a big black cloud hanging over my head,and just will not go away.My husband tells me I am a negative person,and I am always being to hard on myself.I can't help it with the live I have had in the past,and with all of my medical and health problems.I am still hoping that in one of my surgeries,I will go to sleep and never wake up,then all of my  problems will be over,and I can be with my family in heaven.

    Well,enough for now,thank you for reading this and listening to me once agian.

                                                                           San's     

    Still not releif in site from my draninge

       Hi getting by,

          The next time I go to see one of my doctors,I will ask about the Tencon Program,if one doctor does not do it,I will keep trying with all of my doctors and see if they partisapate in that program.I hope that they all do.I sure can use all of the medical help I can get.I will inquire about anything that will help me with my medical bills.

          I have thought about filing bankruptsy,but I don't want to loose the great doctors that I do have and may own them a couple of dollars,no more then $200.00 at the most.The rest of them are up in the thousands of dollars.This will be the third time I have filed bandruptsy,but I don't care.All of these are medical bill.I only one credit card and I keep it paid down.I don't what to do.I don't have the money to file and yet at the same time I want to.I also have a loan out that is in my name,but I had to use my husbands credit to get it.It was $3,000.00.But there was a catch to it.I had to pay off two of his credit cards,leaving me with a totat of $1,009.00 to put toward my medical,which is why I wanted the loan to start with.He got two of his cards paid off,and I am stuck paying on the loan.That was a really cut down for me.If I was able to get the whole amount,I would not be in such a debt and so depressed.As long as we are talking debt,I have to eye lid surgery to lift up my eye lids as they are starting to block my vision,but it will be done in Maryland,so my medicare will pay the 80%,if the approve it,and I will be stuck with the other 20%.If I am lucky enough to get the West Virginia Medicaid Card,it will not cover anything done in Maryland.But when I have the other two or three surgeries done,they will be done in West Virginia so the card will pay the 20% and I will have no bill from them.That would make me really happy.

   My main problem is that I can not make a payment on any of my medical bills this month.That is what is bothering my the most.There are a couple of them that I did not even pay last month.I all ready have bad credit,and I am slowly trying to clear it up,one way or another.

   Why is it,they say that God never gives us more than we can handle.I would like to know who said that.I feel like I have always had more than I can handle.There are times when I feel like I have the whole weight of the world on my shoulders.I don't have a mon or dad.They died young.I have four kids,but my oldest son has dis owned me,and is keeping my two grand daughters from me.My daughter will do anything for her stepfather,but I have to bed and give a reason why I need her help.I have a handicap son who has been moved for Gaithersburg,Maryland, all the way down to Baltimore,Maryland,  Which is further for us to go see him and with the gas prices as hight as they are,we don't see him as much as we would like to.Then I have a son that owns his own business and I hardly ever get to see him.I am really close to his three kids.He has a 12 year old girl and a 10 year old boy and a little girl that is 4 1/2.The 12 and 10 year old will be a year older on September 2nd as they are two years and four hours apart.The three of them are very precious to me.I just wish that we lived a little closer in miles.They are my life.I have 11 grand kids and 1 great grandson who is 7 months.They don't live that far away,and I have only seen him four times.That is another thing that hurts me.He is by my oldest granddaughter.

   Well that is all for this time.Once again,thank you for reading this and listening to me.

   This site really make me feel better.

                                                                                                  Thank you

                                                                                                          san's

       Hi gettig by,

          I am glad that we are staying in touch.I by anyway I am getting on your nerves,please let me know.You have been a big help to me,but I think the only thing that is going to solve my problem is money,and that does not come easy,when both my husband and I are both of disability.

          As much as I would like to go and try to get a part time job,if S.S.I. will let,I have to get through my surgeries first.All of this will probably take at least until the beginning of next year.

          I am the kind of person that gets up set very easy,and it does not take much for me to cry.Infact,all I have to do is think of something,or someone that has been taken out of my life by death,and tears start to fall.I keep telling myself,that I hate that  person that I am,you I am,and what I am.I hate everything about me.I am my worst enemy in every way that there is.I wish I could pick meself up and place myself on cloud nine and stay there,for the rest of my life.Everytime I get happy,thing comes along and pulls the rug out from under me,and I fall right back down.

         I am glad that my husband is starting to come around to understanding a little bit of how I feel,but still he gives no comfort.Sometimes all I need is a shoulder to cry on,but there is one there when I need it.My comfort is by long distance phone call,to my cousin,who has her own problems.

         Where about in Michigan,do you live?My husband was born in Battle Creek Michigan.

         Around here,if you can afford a doctor, medicines  or something like that,they want to send you off to a free clinic.That would be fine,except for they go by you income.I make to much for help,but not enough to get done what needs to be done.It is always a catch 22,no matter where I turn.Like I said hopefully after I have this next surgery done,I will have accumulated in medical bills that I will quilfy for Medicaid,but that will not by for my back bills.I am having one surgery done in Maryland,so I can still the bill for my mediacid card,but it will not pay the bill,because it is not being done in West Virginia.But the other surgeries I will be having done will get paid for by my Medicare and Medicaid Card.Medicaid works on a program,called Spend Down,which means that you have to have a certain of medical bills,and it also goes by you income.They don't care about the rest of the bills that I have to pay.They just focus on the medical,which is not fare.After all you do have to have a place to live and  pay the house hold bills.I am in the middle class of income people.I feel sorry for the poor people.

         I did up early and went to church this morning,which I hardly ever go,because of my depression and all of the rest of my  problem.I feel I tad better,but I am still on the edge of tears falling

        I try to take one day at a time,but I let myself worry to much and can't help it.I have always been a worry wort.

        Well Karen,thanks for reading this and listening to me agian.I love your advice.I just wish I could forget things and just let them go.

                                                                                            Thank you

                                                                                                   San's

   STILL DEPRESSED BUT FEELING A LITTLE BIT BETTER FOR "TODAY"

     Hi getting by,

          I am trying to keep my spirits up.But it not easy for me to do.I try not to think of anything but what I am doing at that minute.So far so good.

          My husband has invited the guy next door who lives alone and does not a girl friend,just his parents,for dinner this evening.So I know that I have to keep my spirits up for that.I do look forward to having people in and my husband and I,or just myself going out somewhere for a little while.I keep begging the guy next  door to get a dog,so that I can take care of it,walk it and play it,but he does not how long he will be living there,and I my landlord says not cats or dogs.I guess he is scared of getting his carpet messed up.Little does he know that we have already had the carpet proffessionaly cleaned twice in the three years that we have been here,and we will painting the inside this fall.This is all being done by my husband credit cards,and a Lowe's credit card.So we are fixing up his place,so I don't know why he will not let us have a cat or dog.We don't plan on ever moving again.We are getting to old to be moving.We always move ourselves,with the help of some friends of my husband and my younger son and daughter.I have to female Guinea Pigs.It does not take a lot of money to take care of them,but there are times when they need the food and treats and I do not have the money for them,so I don't even know if we could afford to keep a dog with all it's cost.I would have to  pay for the shots,vet bills,food,and what ever else they need.I had a Shelty years ago,but that was when we were better off as far as money goes.She was spoiled rotten and she knew.But so much for that,but I think I would be less depressed if I had a dog and could take it for a walk a couple times a day.That would be an excuse to get me out of the house.Maybe on of these days.

           Sometimes I get on  people nerve when I keep writing to them and rambling on.That is why I ask you if I am getting on your nerves.As you see,I love to type.

           If we could have a phone conversation,I probably explain more of my life to you and you would understand a little more,why I feel the way I do.

           Are you Married?I am.I will celebrating my 21st Anniversay to my secong husband on the 16th of October.I was married 11 years the first time to a drunk and gambler that never cared about his family or me.I gave him four beautiful kids.He would never come home on the weekends.He would leave on Friday morning and I would be lucky to see him on Monday evening late.He always came home with a lot of money,but that did not make up for not being with his family.He worked outside construction work and if it rained that day,him and a bunch of guys would head for the nearest bar,and if was a week night he would always come home drunk.After 11 years I could not stand it anymore,so I  kicked him out and started my divorce proceedings.That was a night mare in it self.That is basicly where all of my depression started from.

          Yes,I am a very caring person.How did you know?I used to work in a nursing home when I was much younger,and I loved taking care of people that could not do for themselves.I also took care of my grand mother,(my mothers mom)when she had a stoke and was living with us.I love to take care of her and I was the only one that she would let touch her,except with help going to the bathroom.I love being around and talking to  people

          It is kind of hard to write something down that is bothering me,when it sets in the dining room all of the time.That is all of my medical bills.So there is no way I can put them out of my mind.If I put them away then I will never pay on them.I know that say out of sight and out of mind is a good thing,but that only works on certain things.Bills is one that I can not ignore.I have never been able to ignore them.I wish that I could snap my fingers and they would just dispear,but it don't work like that either.So I will always be stuck with them.This is just going to be a hard month.I will just have to start calling all of the doctors and collections agencies and let them know that I can not pay then this month.There is nothing I can do about it,and if the threaten me,so let it be.I will tell them I will try to pick up on the payments next month.That is all I can do for this month.See you are teaching me something.But it is still depressing not being able to pay something on them.

         I will ask my doctor about Ability,but I am on so many other medication that it might not go with them.It also depends on how much it cost.I only have a certain that I can spend on medicine each month.Right now I have been getting most of my medicines from the Wal-Mart $4.00 list.That is a big saving to me.But I will ask my doctor anyway.Do you know if it comes in generic?I am not sure,but a while back,I applied for a depression medicine called Effexor XR,and I was told that I was turned down,but now I have been told that my physiciatrist has been receiving a monthly supply for quite some time now.I go back to see him this month.I will check into that.When I was on that,I was doing pretty good.I made me loose my consintation a lot of times,but I was in a better mood 90% of the time.I can only hope that he will let me go back on it.

         Once again,thanks for reading and listening to me and my  problems.I am glad that you are there for me.

                                           Luv and Hugs to you

                                                  San's      (My name is Sandy,but I go by san's)

  STILL DOWN,BUT FEELING A LITTLE BIT BETTER:

       Hi getting by;

          I went to see my phyciatrist yesterday,and it was a struggle,but I told him that I was told that I have some Effexor XR,in the medical supply room with my name on it.He ask me how I knew that.I told hime that I had spoke to his nurse last month and she was the  one that told me,that I was recieving a bottles of 90 pills a month.They are only 150mg,I told him that when I was on them before,I was taking 150mg in the morning and 75mg at night before I would go to bed.He said that if he needed to,he would order the 75mgs,if he thinks that I am going to need them.He wants to see me back agian next month.Right now  he wants to take the sample pack that he gave me,that has ten 75mg.in it in the morning with half of the pill that he had me on,which was the Celexa.Then in ten days,I can go a head and take the 150mg. I try to keep telling him that he does not know my body like I do.I know what I was on last time,and how good it really helped me.I am hoping that he will end up putting me on the 150mg.at night and the 75mg.in the night.

          It was a rough week last week,but with your help,you got me through the better of it.I was really Thursday and Friday.I really did not think I was going to make it.I am glad that my husband was very understanding.On one of my problems,I am going to have to get a lawyer involved in it.  The ones that I owe money to for my medical bills are starting to call me wanting their monthly payment.I am trying to explain the situation to them,but they don't want to listen.I get up set over that,and that start a trend and continues all day long.I wish I could died and went to hell,and return to sender,call no longer pay the bill.Take it and shove it,or write it off as a loss.

          When I  say my prayers at night,I end up crying myself to sleep.For some reason I can not stop thinking about all of my family that I was close to,who is now is heaven.I have a cousin that has been dead a little over two and a half years,and I still can not get him out of my mind.He was like a second father to me,a brother,a really close friend and everything else that you want to call it.I could always turn to him with any question about the family that I had,or any child hood deseases that I might of had when I was a child that I did not know about.He knew just about everything about my side of the family's medical history.Now that he is gone,I have no one to turn to for answers.I can only hope that the Effexor XR will help all of this go away.Should I be ashamed of feeling the way I do?

          Thank you once again for reading this and listening to me.

                                                                                      san's

   I WANT TO FEEL BETTER,AND I AM REALLY TRYING

       Hi getting by;

           You sure must have a really good out look on life,but I sure don't.For some reason,I just can't really find anything to get and stay happy about.I try to think about some good things,but it always takes me past to the past,and I know that you can not go back and relive the  past.The people that I used to have fun and enjoy life with are now in heaven.I have a couple things to look forward to,but I just can not seem to get happy about them.Like next Sunday,my husband and I are going to my first family runion on my dads side.We are taking my younger sons three children.I was looking forward to it at first,but it has thought and joy of it has just faded away.I am going just to be going,and I have already promised my grandchildren that we would take them,because their mom and dad do not want to go.I bought a book to read,by the only Author that I like.His name is Robin Cook,now I can't even find the energy to open up the book.I feel like I don't really have a life.It is like I do the same thing day after day.Maybe a change once in a while.

          I went to church this morning thinking that it would help.My heart was not into it,but I went anyway.The original Pastor was there,but he did not do the preaching today.It was some one in the church.I was so bad to get up and walk out,but I knew that it would not be  polite,so I stayed,letting my mind wonder.

          I need to get a lawyer because I paid a bill that was closed in dispute over a year ago.I went to get a loan a few months ago,and they were on my credit report,so the loan people cut my a check for the that I owed them,and now they will not give me my money back.I was going to us it to get my eyes checked and a new pair of glasses after seven years,and pay of my plastic surgeons bill.Now I can not do neither,until I get a lawyer,but first I need to get my nerves settle down to where I can talk about it with out breaking down in tears.

          The only medical bills will get paid when I have the money.I have only had a couple calls on them,but they will be all be calling me shortly,as they know that I send out all of my bills on the forth of every month.I would not like to pay any of them any more,but then they will sit in my bad credit report,that I am trying to make good.I just know that I can not handle them anymore as I have to many on them.I make out twenty one checks to just medical people,a month.That is enough to depress anyone,in their right mind,and I am not in my right mind anymore.

          I am not trying to beat myself up about anything.I just seems to set in the  front of my mind and I can not get rid of it.I don't like owing bills.Some of them,I have just about  paid off,and now this happens.

          Here lately,as much as I like to watch my soaps on channel seven,I have not even been into them.I use to live for them.Now I could care less.

           I never felt like this,until I lost my cousin two and a half years ago.It is almost like he took part of my with him,if that is  possible.I greived over my dad for while,but never really cried over him.I greived for my mom for about a year,but I just can not get my cousin out of my head,heard or mind.WHY

          When I finish with this I am going to look up that web site for that poem.

           Will that is enough for now,I don't want to give you a book to read.

           Thanks again for being there for me.

                                                    Luv and hugs                   san's

  IT JUST HAPPENED AGAIN 

      Hi getting by,

          I was doing fine,as I decided to go lay down for a few minutes,when my husband came in and wanted to make love to me,I guess to try and make me feel better.Well,we were doing our thing and I was really focused on it,when all of a sudden,I started to cry again.What is wrong with me,I am trying to hard to relax my mind?

          I tried to get into that e-mail address you gave me for that poem,and could not.I may have wrote it down wrong.Would you send it to me again please.I would love to read it.

          My brain feels a scrambled egg all of the time,here lately.I know that I have a lot going on,all at the same time.But I just want it end.I feel digging a hole about six feet deep and just falling into,and someone come a long and fill the hole back up with me in it.

           I just feel so mixed up right now,and don't know which way to turn any more,because everytime a I turn around,I seem to hit a snag and fall down again.I want so much to go to sleep and never wake up again.Then all of my problems will be over with for me.There are times,when I wonder how my husband puts up with me,with some of the moods that I get in.He tells me that I am my own worst enemy.

           Like I said I wish that we could talk on the phone,but I know that is not allowed.

           Well that is all for now.Thanks for everything.Hope to hear from you soon.

                                                                                                san's     (Sandy)

                                                     Luv and Hugs       

  I AM KIND OF A MEDIUM MOOD RIGHT NOW

     Hi getting by

          I was able to pull up that  poem and read it.I was really a nice heart felt poem.I wish that there was a way to e-mail on the others that need it.I mean just the poem itself.

          You seem to know me like we were neighbores or sisters.I don't know that much about you,but I have told you a lot about me.

          I feel a little bit of peace of mind,but I still have that crying on the inside of me.

          I forgot to tell you that I printed out that  poem,and will keep it a safe place,for when I need to refer to it,I will always have it..

          You have been so kind,understanding,and always there when I need you.

          Well that is it for now,I will stay in touch.Once again,thanks for everything.You to are a sweet person and you know all of the right words so say when one is down.

                                                                                        Luv and Hugs               san's   (Sandy)

  I HAVE FALLEN DOWN AGAIN IN MY DEPRESSION:

      Hi getting by;

          I have had a pretty confused,stressed out week,and I am really down and need to talk to some one.

          I have been running back and forth to the doctors all last week,and Friday I found out that I have the beginning of Neuropathy in my legs and feet.That is a desease of the nerves.My husband has it,and I know what he goes through,and I don't want to go through it knowing the pain that he is in.I have enough problems with my body as it is now,with adding any more on to it.

          My younger son came over this morning to fix my computer,as I am using his old one,that is set up as if it were mine,and he let it slip that today he and his family,plus the rest of the family,except for my husband and I were all invited to her 5th year old birthday party cook-out.I know that I should be used to it by now,but it still hurts,when I hear that the whole family in invited except us.This has been going on for about 10 years or longer now.It is all because of my handicap son.I know that I was not the best of a mother,and was not home much in the evenings when my youngest got to be about age 4.I would run off to the bar for a drink or two with my second husband,whom I am still with.Plus we would go out on the weekend for a few drinks leaving them at home with a sitter.So now all of this is being held against,and my older son is not letting me see my two beautiful grand daughter of his.One is 5,and the other is about 3 or 4 months old now.He will not let them except cards,money,or gifts for us.But both my husband and I have realized our mistakes,and because of what happened in the past we are much better grand parents now.Both my daughter in law and son have told him so,but he will not listen.He has basicly dis-owened me as his mother.

         On top of all of that,I have so many medical problems that most of them are going to end up with surgery.This Wednesday I have to have Barium Enama done,because I am having a double colonoscopy done on the 3rd of October.Then I am have a pre-op appointment with my primary doctor this Thursday for my pre-op clearance,in hope that my blood pressure will come down enough to pass.All of the is because I need to my left ankle operated on,as well as have the bottom of my left foot cut open again.I will be in a cast for at least 6 to 8 weeks.I am waiting for cancelation or it will be sometime after the 15 of September.Then I have to have eye lid surgery done.My eye lids are falling over my pupils and it is getting hard for me to see.I go to the  plastic surgeon next week.So I will have to wait and hear for a date on that.Then the good one.I have to go to a URO GYN to have him check out my rectum,and find out why I am leaking out all of the brownish mucus from my butt and sometimes my vagina.This is all part of the double colonoscopy,but the same doctor is not the URO GYN.After I meet with him,I have to meet with my Uroligist the next day,then those two will get together and make a decission on should be done.I want this Inter Stem out of my butt that controls my bladder that has not been working very goood,out of me.I also want my rectum closed off,as I am tired of all of this drainage,I have to stuff toilet paper up my butt when ever I go some place or I am in trouble.I also want my bladder removed.I have had 4 bladder surgeries and not of them have worked.I have all of this on my mind,and I just can't seem to focus on one thing at a time.I just want to get it all down now and get it over with.I know that it is not going to happen like that,but I wish it could.I feel like my brain is scrambled.It has been like this for a long time.

         Did I tell you that I am back on my Effexor 150mg.I think that is part of why my blood pressure is up as well as the rest of the stuff I am going through.

         Well that is it for now,I hope to hear back from you soon.

                                                                                      HUGS

                                                                                        Sans  (Sandy)    

   Hi getting by;

     I am so sorry for not getting back to you soon,but my computer had a virus,and would not work,no matter what I did to it,so I had to have my younger son has been coming over each evening after work and doing a little bit on it,each evening.He is my baby and is a computer expert.He learned how to fix computers on his own.I am so thank full to have him a my son.He just finished it this evening.I am so glad to have it back again.Not having my computer also added to my depression as it is my line to the outside world.

     From what my younger son tells me,my older son will never change is mind.I am depending on my his three kids to some day tell his kids about us.As far as my older son goes,we are dead to him,so he will never tell his kids about us.If I live long enough I will look them up when they get of age.

     I did go for my Cat Scan on my rectum this Tuesday morning.They mixed a dye with warm water,while doing the C.S. They did find a little of what I have been trying to tell all of the doctors.I still have to go for a colonoscoppy through my rectum and my stoma on October 3rd,.

     Yesterday,I went to see my new plastic surgeon,to have my eye lift done.I thought that everything in the test line was ready and set to go.But today the office girl called me and said that the last vision field test for my eyes for not what was needed.So now I have to go to a eye surgeon to get the test done.I had it done by the same doctor that I am now talking about,but I was miss lead when it was done,so I have to call tomorrow and see if I can have the test repeated.I don't know if my medicare will pay for the same test being done twice.I am depressed about that.

     I went today to get my pre-op physical done early this morning,as I had to have blood drawn,before I eat or drink anything.After going through all of that,come to find out that the doctor who wanted this done,did not write pre-op on the orders,so I would of had to pay for everything that needed to be done.So I told them that I would get a new script and be back in the morning to try again.I took double the amount of blood pressure pills that I was supposed to,just to get my blood pressure down enough to pass my physical.So I managed to pass that.So tomorrow morning I have to go to my Foot and Ankle doctor and  pick up a new script,go back down to the lab and hope to have the blood drawn and chest X-Ray done.Then in the afternoon I have to go up to see my Foot and Ankle doctor again,to talk about the nerve test that I had done on my feet last week,which the doctor told me that I had the start of Neuropathy,which is a desease of the nerves.Something else that I have to look forward to as I get older.Then I also want to dicuss with him,when my foot surgery is going to be done.I was told the middle to the end of August,well that has come and gone.I spoke to his nurse the other day,and said that they are really back up and now it might not be until sometime in October.That can not happen.I have to much else going on at that time.That is when I go for my double colonoscopy,and then the 16th and 17th of October,I have two doctors to see,and may have more surgery coming my way.I guess all this is why I am so depressed,so knowing what i am facing and what is going to come up next.It seems like life is being put on hold and I can not deal with it.My  patients have run out.It is getting so,that for the three morning,about 4:30,I have been waking up my either a panic or anxiety attacks.Once I wake up with these I can not get back to sleep no matter what I take to try and get back to sleep.

     I just can not seem to stop crying and I don't like it.I do not want to check myself into the phyic floor up here at the nearest hospital.I have been there before and do like how they do things.They really don't help you at all.I don't what to do or where to turn.I don't have the money to go back to another shrink that I can tell my problems to.I am sitting her crying as I type this out to you.Please tell me the right thing to do.I don't know any more.

     Well that is all for this time.I am in need of desperite help.I will talk to you soon.Once again,I wish that we could talk on the phone,but I know that is a no,no.

      Thank you for listening and reading this.

                                                                      Sans          (Sandy)

  I STILL DON'T FEEL MUCH BETTER.

   HI GETTING BY;

       Well,I went to get the rest of my pre-op testing done this morning.I just want to screem at every one I come in contact with that tells me what I don't want to hear.I am trying my best to hold my temper back,but I don't know how much long I can do it.I am just frustated with my live and everything that is going on.

       I did get in touch with the eye specialist that is supposed to be re-doing my visial field test.It is set for next Wednesday,at 1:45pm.She is being a real b---h,about the whole thing.She asked me why I wanted to do it over again.I told her that last time,she told me to look into the screen with my eyes wide open.So I did.Stupid me,passed the test.Who walks around with their eyes wide open all of the time.This time I told her that I was going to look into the screem,the way I normally look at things.We shall she how that goes.I called the eye surgeon's office back and talked to the girl that I have been in contact with,and she said to play like I was half blind.It is going to cost me $90.00,to have this done,and it will have to come out of my pocket the day of the visit.I don't think the lady at the eye doctor that I am going to next Wednesday likes me very much.But you know something.I am not going in to please her.I am trying to pass the test to get my eye lids taken care of,so that I can see better,and people can see my deep blue eyes again.My eye lids are drooping so bad that I always feel sleepy,and I can see my eye lids when I look straight ahead.I just hope that I can pull this one off.

       I also went to my Foot and Ankle doctor this afternoon,and we talked about the surgery,and what all he was going to have to do.I do care if he removes my foot and puts it back on again.I just want my ankle taken care of.I was told to that if I did not hear from the office by 2:00pm on Tuesday afternoon,I was to call them.I am tired of trying to track things down,when people should be calling me.The doctor said that he is trying to set it up for the middle of September.I know that it will be here soon,but for me,it seem like a year away.My patients for waiting and getting things done are wearing very thin.I still break down when I think about what my body needs done and the wait I have,until something is done about it.

       I am a little scared to ask my doctor for anything right now,especially after just passing my physical for my pre-op test.I have started taking my Efferor XR agian.I got back on it this morning.It will raise my blood pressure,but now I don't care,because I have already my test done.But I am going to talk to my phyic when I see him next month,and let him know what is going on.He is going to get an ear full.

       I know that I have anxiety,and my body is full of it.I was up at 4:30 this moring,and have been the past couple of days.That is the time it wakes me up and I can not get back to sleep.

I think I have been on Xanax a long time ago.If I remember correctly,it did make me sleep longer in the morning and did make me feel better.But the only problem is,I don't know if it comes in Gernic!I can not the full price,or any medicine over $10.00.I put out enough money in monthly medicines as it is.

       I am sorry to hear that your sister has colon cancer.I hope that things are doing fine for her,and she will beat the cancer.I would rather die before I would go through chemotherapy.I watched my mom go through it and what it did to her.I refuse to loose my hair.I have long hair that is down to my tail bone.I just keep it trimed up and will not let anyone cut it.I do my own cutting when it comes to my hair.

       I have Medicare for insurance and they only pay 80%,and I have to pay the other 20% of the bill.Right now I am about $34,000.00,maybe more by now,but can not help for medicaid,because I can not use the bills that I used before,even though I am still making payment on them.I am only hoping that will all of these surgeries,I will have accumulated enough for them to give the mediciad card,and if so,they will pay all of the back bills that I will be creating.What a hassel life is.Between my husband and I,we make to much for the help that is out there,but at the same time,there is moreing going out then there is coming in,but they don't care about.

       I don't have the burning on the bottom of my feet,I have  pains numbness in my toes.My husband has neuropathy,and he has the burning on the botton of his feet,and no feeling.He is really poor circulation in both of his legs and feet.

       I guess if I can get passed Wednesday,things might start looking up for me.I don't know.I try to take one day at a time,but just an not do it.There is to much going on in my mind.

      Well,I am going to close for now.If you feel like it,you can answer me back.Take care,and once again,thank you for listening to me ramble and reading this.

                                                                               Thank you

                                                                                   Hugs            sans   (Sandy)

          Hi getting by,

               My depression is getting a little bit better for I still have my days.

               I have gone off of my Effexor for this week,because I am have two surgeries done this week,and the Effexor makes my blood pressure rise.I am having my foot and ankle surgery done on Tuesday the 23rd,and my eye lid surgery done on Thurday the 25th.I want my blood pressure to be down a little bit before I go under.On my foot,the doctor is going to clean out the area,shave down the ankle bone to try to make it the same size as my right on.He is also going to take the tendon that runs a long the outside of the foot and run it a long and around the ankle bone like it should be and melt the ligements back together,as well as take the wire out of my big toe that he put in two years when he fixed that big toe,and then he is going to crack the toe,and re-route some tendons so that I will be able to move me big toe,which I have not been able to do since I have my achillies surgery done nine years ago.So after all of this is done,I will be in cast and will  probably stay up stairs in my bedroom and if I need to get up and  move about,it will have to be on the same floor.I will be using a walker at first,then I will move on to crutches,which I am to do swift of either when I comes to keeping my balance.I right knee is also weak,so I just hope that it will hold me up,while I am up and about.I will be out of commission for at least six weeks.

               As for my eye lid surgery,that should not be as bad.I have so much extra skin on my eye lids,that I feel tired all of the time,and it makes it hard for me to open my eyes all of the way.My eyes will be black and blue for about a week,but I will have to wear sun glasses most of the time anyway,especially when I go out side for anything.I will only be going  out to doctors appointments anyway.I will be on the go for the week anyway,so,hopefully after that I will be able to rest for a while with out getting disturbed,or having to be on the go all of the time.

               Then on the October 3rd,I will going to the nearest hospial for a double colonoscopy.The doctor is going to put me to sleep to have this done,because he will be going down through my stoma and also through my rectum.Then on the 16th of next month I go to the other side of W.V to see a rectal colon specialist to try and find out why I have been having all of this drainage through my rectum and vagina.That is my 21st wedding anniversary,great way to spend it.On the 17th of this month,I have to go back over to the same place to see my Urologist about this Interstim Devise taken out of my butt that is supposed to control my bladder muscles,and have a Urostomy done.I have had five bladder surgeries done and none of them have held.What a way to end the summer.But a good way to start the New Year.

              I think with all of this weighing on my mind has been a big part of my depression,and hopefully knowing that there is something going on to try and help it,is taking away my depression.When all of if this is over,I hope to feel better.

               I will get on my Effexor after the 3rd of next month,until about week before the 16th and the17th on October gets here.

              Well I did not write to tell you all of my problems,just to let you know what I have going on and I am still on this earth.

              I am sure that I will not anywhere near my computer for at leas six weeks.

              Well that is all for now.I hope that all is well with you.Take care and say a  prayer that I will be back on my feet in no time.I usually heal fast,so I hope that I do this time.

                                                                                                San's    (Sandy)

                                      Hugs and Prayer to you