coping with a depressed partner

i have been with my partner for eight years we have twin boys together and are due to get married next year with all booked. unfortunatly he has become increasingly depressed , not eating or sleeping does not want to do or go anywhere with the family and has started drinking heavily and being verably abussive towards me. i love him so much and have shouted cried talked listened begged pushed and threatened to leave but i seem to be getting no where. he says he doesnt need help and that only the weak get help but after a spell of drinking he cries non stop for two days pleading for help. he went to counciling once when he came out he thought he was cured and wouldnt go back. this has become so frustrating, its taking everything ive got just to deal with his mood swings. i have told him what its doing to me and our boys and that i am at risk of becoming depressed to. he has no friends as they say they have had enough of his ways and his family are starting to go like that but his mum is very good but it is me who is there when times get really bad and as much as i love him and know he hates being like this i dont think i can take it much more. with our wedding coming up i dont know whether to cancel it or keep planning in the hope he will get better. he tells me he loves me and wants to get married and that it would make him so happy but then the next day he hates me and wants to leave. i really am at my wits end and dont know where to turn some please help me.

Do not stop believing in him.
My boyfriend had to deal with me like that. I truly meant when i said nice things to him... and I THOUGHT i meant the nasty things I said at the time, but I didn't. He doesn't mean the things that he says, this is the sickness talking. I said and did some awful things too.

My boyfriends constant encouragement and support almost guilted me into going to a doctor. He didn't complain, he just smiled and took care of me. However the turning point in my depression was when he left me...... I immedietly got my life on track to win him back. This is the only thing that worked, and the only thing that would have worked. It's hard for your fiance to think about anything but himself and pessimism. Just the way it is. Do not take things personally.

Let him know that you are there for him when he is ready, but until then you should probobly take your children and stay at a relatives. I'm sure you both may need some alone time together. Try this.

You cannot submit yourself to this if you cannot handle it. Be there for him if you must, but protect yourself as well. YOU and your children come first. Happy parents = happy children. Threatening to leave didn't work for me....I thought I wouldn't care, however when he DID leave I was forced to make the choice to get better or get worse.

Try making a home call for a doctor when he is raging, don't tell him. I wish someone would have done that for me. I was aware I needed to see a doctor, but somehow couldn't do it.

Protect yourself and your children. But ALWAYS be there when he needs you, when he gets angry or abusive or drunk. Walk away and tell him you want no part in this.

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before you can look up. Thats what it took for me. It was the hardest time of my life but it was the best reality check i ever had.

Don't blame your husband for being sick, encourage him to get well. If not, your first priority is your children. This is my opinion and I hope it helps. Its a hard road but me and my boyfriend live together and have never been happier or more in love.

Posting on this website may help him as well, I understood I wasn't alone when i came here. Encourage him to post.

XoXo

"Remember: He DOES want to feel better, he just doesn't know how yet, alcohol or drugs can cause HUGE dependancy when mixed with depression."

I can second that. While I may not be at the extreme he is I know that I self-medicated for a long time. Asking for help is something I always wanted to do but never had the courage to do so until faced with the reality from my wife that our marriage could be over. I wish I could have gotten help before it came to this but at least I am facing it head on now.

Be strong for you and for him and for your kids. I wish the best for you all.

Hi Tilly,

 

This is such good news, by going on the internet and looking up depression he will start to see the difference.  And have you ever noticed that a lot of times we don't even realize that we aren't feeling well until we start to feel better?  I am so very happy for you.  You have been supportive and handled this so well, it must help you to feel good to see that he is taking the first steps to getting better.  Keep up the good work.

 

I am glad that he started medication also.  Hopefully it wont be long until that starts working for him.  Then he will start improving even more.  Soon he will be back to the person that he was before.  Again, I am so happy for the two of you.

 

Best wishes for continued improvement in your situation.

 

Hugs, Karen

Hi Tilly,

To give you a perspective from the other side, it's like being haunted by your own mind. I went through a similar experience with my last girlfriend -- one day wanting to be with her and everything being wonderful and a week later, trying to break up with her and push her away. Imagine that you're on a roller-coaster and feel totally out of control of yourself. Some days, you look at the person next to you and want to dedicate your life to their happiness. Other days, you feel trapped, incapable and hopeless -- what do I have to offer this person? Why do I feel like this? Is this ever going to get better?

It is important that he sees that the drinking numbs the pain yet like a credit card, it demands payment with emotional interest. When you're in the situation, it's terrible, it really is.

One thing that has really helped me is learning to not self-identify with it. To never say, "I am depressed" but to say, "There is depression present". His friends are tired of his actions however I would guess that they would love to have back an un-haunted version of him. And that is what he has to learn -- that he is not these mood-swings and he is not the torturous emotions that throw him around. He is still very alive and aware of the great things he has in his life -- yourself and children -- he just loses the ability to reach them sometimes.

As a partner, I know its tough. My last girlfriend left me in the midst of it because she just couldn't deal with it anymore. It says a lot about your capacity for love and strength as a person that you have made it this far with him. If you can be committed to helping him through -- so long as he continues to help himself -- you will have given him the greatest gift a partner can give. Relationships are often measured by the hard times because the easy times are, well, easy.

That's not to say give up your life and emotionally nurse him. I would say quite the contrary. I was with a previous girlfriend for two years and despite massively difficult situations, I never became depressed. When I would start getting low, she would plan heaps of things of friends and family and get us out of the house. She was savvy that girl because most of what she planned involved being far away from alcohol -- hikes, camping trips, canoeing, museum days, movie nights. I would get sad and throw myself around and she would just say, 'you can either sit here and feel like this or come out with me'. She was always supportive to a tee but made sure that she never drowned with me. For note, we parted ways due to different graduate school programs half a world apart.

I guess what I am saying is that it's not your responsibility to make him feel better directly. He has to make those steps for himself. What you can do (in my opinion and I am not a professional) is 1) take care of yourself and 2) be the bridge between him and the outside world. You can't make him change but you can encourage him to join you in the wonderful life that you both have and he just has to work a little bit on seeing.

I would suggest the book 'Feeling Good' by Dr. David Burns for you and him. For you, it may help you understand depression and anxiety and for him, if he follows the directions, it can provide substantial relief from the haunting in as little as a month. Also, for you, there are communication tips in there of how not to add fuel to the fire and cut off the negative conversations.

Hello Tilly,

You may want to check our Resources list to the right of this post.  You can find lots of good info and it has all been compiled by our Administrator.

Let us know how you are doing.

Hugs
Kitt

Hi Vickster,

Welcome to HealingWell. I am happy that you have found us.

I have to say that if your boyfriend is clean and sober, he could have possibly changed. I believe that you should follow your heart on this one. If it is a form of manipulation, you will soon know it and then you can end the relationship if you feel that you need to. It is so hard for me to give you advice being I don't know him, but I have been in a situation where the person was abusive while drinking. When he quit, he never touched me and we had a 23 year relationship until he died of cancer. So yes, people can change when they are not using substances or alcohol. But it does take a lot of work building your trust back up. And knowing in your heart the right thing to do. Also it will take a lot of work on his part. He has to change his whole lifestyle and that is a job to do. I wish you all the best, keep posting and let us know how things are going.

Hugs, Karen

Vickster,

I agree, go with your gut instinct. I think in most cases that is the right thing to do. It is so hard in a situation like this, because it is so hard to be objective. One day at a time is about all that we can do. So you might have to go at a snails pace, but you will get there.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen

tilly20 said... i have been with my partner for eight years we have twin boys together and are due to get married next year with all booked. unfortunatly he has become increasingly depressed , not eating or sleeping does not want to do or go anywhere with the family and has started drinking heavily and being verably abussive towards me. i love him so much and have shouted cried talked listened begged pushed and threatened to leave but i seem to be getting no where. he says he doesnt need help and that only the weak get help but after a spell of drinking he cries non stop for two days pleading for help. he went to counciling once when he came out he thought he was cured and wouldnt go back. this has become so frustrating, its taking everything ive got just to deal with his mood swings. i have told him what its doing to me and our boys and that i am at risk of becoming depressed to. he has no friends as they say they have had enough of his ways and his family are starting to go like that but his mum is very good but it is me who is there when times get really bad and as much as i love him and know he hates being like this i dont think i can take it much more. with our wedding coming up i dont know whether to cancel it or keep planning in the hope he will get better. he tells me he loves me and wants to get married and that it would make him so happy but then the next day he hates me and wants to leave. i really am at my wits end and dont know where to turn some please help me.   Wecome Tilly!! I agree with everyone. From what I’ve seen, this is very common. Trying to reach folks who are discouraged and despondent is frustrating and bewildering.   With someone who is apathetic and unmotivated, it’s hard to find grounds for inspiration and engagement. I have experienced that with family members and friends, as well as with my wife.   Then, I read a really great book by Peter Breggin called, “The Heart of Being Helpful.” In that book, Dr. Breggin describes approaches that appeal to the person we are trying to reach, on grounds that are interesting to them. As irrational or out-of-touch those grounds may seem to us, sometimes it is our only starting point.   We engage them on their dim and narrow grounds, nurturing their interests (however irrational) and cultivating their inspiration, and then very slowly drawing them into a wider realm of brighter strategies and encouraging alternatives. It helps to have brighter strategies and encouraging alternatives ready and on hand when he is ready to consider them. Therefore, part of Dr. Breggin’s counsel is develop our own repertoire as well.   You partner is very fortunate to have your support and efforts on his side. Pray for help and guidance.    

Vickster said...

Tilly I would just like to say I have gone through a very similar situation with my boyfriend.  However, he turned to drugs as well as the alcohol to cope with the depression.   It took him a couple months before he turned to help, but in the midst of getting up was still using.  His last episode, 3 months ago was sooo bad I had to call 911. Not only was he physically hurting himself, he also took it out on me.  It took having him charged for him to hit rock bottom.

Now he is fully committed to his therapy and completely off the drugs and alcohol and coping with everything with a clear head.  He apologized for everything he has put me through and tells me his he wants to have me back in his life.  He now has goals, puts himself first instead of others etc.

Here is my dilemma, can someone really change????  My friends are telling me not to trust him that it is a form a manipulation.  My therapist says to do what feels right. My heart tells me that things are on the right track, but feedback with others who've had a similar experience would be great. 

 

Hi vickster!

 

Welcome!

 

I’m no expert, but I think the best way to tell if he is serious about staying off alcohol and drugs is the evaluate how much he really wants to be alcohol and drug free.

Some ways to tell are, ‘how enthusiastic is he about his therapy?’ Is he practicing his therapists advice?

If he goes to a 12 step program, is he trying to actually work the steps, or is he just talking about them?

I believe he deserves the benefit of the doubt in terms of trust as long as you believe he is making a sincere effort.

 

Therapy and programs only work as well as the person.

 

There is an old light-bulb joke that really makes the point:

 

How many programs does it take to change a light-bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.