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Posted 8/21/2008 8:57 PM (GMT 0)
It`s been a while since i have been able to come in here with one thing or another .

Just needed to talk to someone.

Lately i feel as though i`m getting nowhere .

My sleep has been really bad in the fact that i can`t sleep one night without waking up for some reason but lately it`s because of the pain.All i seem to do is take pain killers and they do not help that much.

Things at home have been really hard ,All i seem to do is try and please everyone .When hubby is home i just do not get time to even sit down i feel as though i have to be doing something all the time and i`m so tired.

We never really talk to each other these days i try but feel whats the point it`s like living by myself having no one to talk to .Well i have no one to talk to .My kids only drop in when they want something or me to do something for them other than that it`s me and my animals i have not spoken to anyone in weeks outside this house.

Early this morning i was woken by what i think was a dream i don`t even knowif it was a dream or what it was but i was curled up in a little ball and just felt so frightened my heart was racing and i have no idea why.

I know i`m so frightened to see this other specialist next week and of what he is going to say i already know its not good all the pain is for a reason .

I feel atm i have nothing more to give anyone i`m just so tired but i know i can`t stop each day i have so much that i have to do more so out of fear than anything else

I can`t go and see the drs here they are idiots to say the least.Last week i had to take my son down as his asthma is really baddue to the cold weather we have been having here.I asked him for the cholesterol results we had done on my son a few weeks earlier .he told me not to worry and that my son should not be worring about cholesterol at his age but should be out with his mates mucking around and drinking like all kids his age ( he has just turned 17 )This is not what i want my son to hear so i will not be taking him back there again . mad

Jane

Posted 8/21/2008 10:21 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Jane,

Is that doctor an idiot?  Or is that the norm for where his is?  I know that some cultures do consider it normal for a young man to go out drinking every night. nono

I remember that when I was married to my first husband (who died of cancer in 2000), we didn't talk all that much.  All I had was my dogs.  But then I started doing things alone and it actually made me stronger.  I walked them every day, I had three.  So I got good exercise.  I learned about unconditional love.  I started feeling better and looking better.  It actually backfired on him and I became a better person because of it.  But he was like your husband.  He had his life and I was there to pick up the pieces and make him happy.  So I know how you feel.  He didn't do anything for me at all.  Life revolved around him.

But things are different now.  I have a good man, who loves me.  He is kind to me and takes care of me.  I can do less for myself and around here because of fibromyalgia.  And he carries the extra weight.  I consider myself very fortunate.

I guess that I am saying that when I was alone all the time, I learned to love myself.  So some good come out of it.  And I was a lot heathier.  I was able to work outside doing physical labor, I was cooking three meals a day.  I did nothing for myself though and that was sad.  But I really appreciated things when I got them.  Oh well, this has turned into something about me, I didn't mean for that to happen.  But I hope that you can be happy.  You deserve it.

Take care,

hugs, Karen

Posted 8/22/2008 12:39 AM (GMT 0)
I agree you need some time alone.. go for walks, stay in a hotel or at a friends house. Get away and think.

I know your scared about seeing the specialist, I used to be terrified as well. Just remember to keep looking ahead. Don't let fear get the best of you. To get better you must know whats wrong first, I wish you the best of luck!

Please let us know how everything goes!
XoXoXo
Posted 8/22/2008 6:06 PM (GMT 0)
That is agoo idea to just get out for awhile, if it wsnt for the animals, i would stay away for  along while. You deserve time for your self.  Are you taking any sleeping pills besides the pain pills to get some rest. I take some restoril occcsionally when i cant sleep.  I was real sick this week and for two nigts there i has no sleep at all, i was so tired during the day i was shaking nasueted, coldnt keep anything down, i still havent caught up on my sleep. the day i stared feeling better that morning i slept til noon i was that tired.

You got to have your rest or wont be able to cope with anything thats going on, you need to sleep.

Do whatever it takes to sleep, even if you have to take a nap duing the day.

I know your scared to see the specialist, but you need to, I saw my gastro today and i have to be completley honest with him, i was coughing up blood , butif was vomiting p blood he would have to scope me again, i didntwant to do that. we both beleive i have some sorta flu bug, frst the smomach and nasea and now head cold. when my sinuses get to me they bleed, so i knew it was not coming from my stomach. The ast time i saw him i was voming up blood, he said if i was still he ws going to rescope me, so i feel better that that there was no blood in vomit this week.  iw s feeeling good up until this week, I think he upped my protonix to thre tims a day, for gerds.

Im always nervous when i go into the doctor, but everyone was real nice and persnable.

I hope you specialist is like this to, what kinda specialist are you seeing, you probably wrote it in another post and i missed it.

Get rest any way you can, were all prayingfor you, im srrry your family is treating you unkindlyto say the least, once you rested go smewhere, mayb if you do go to a friends houe or motel you would get a goood nights sleep. i pray you do... blush

Posted 8/24/2008 7:35 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Jane,

Did I miss the part about you developing a new pain and the meds?  Please tell me what is going on dear friend. 

I know you feel down but remember there is light at the end of the tunnel and we will not leave you alone.  You always have us to count on.

Your hubby and family are not going to change I fear so can you let go of that and just love yourself for the wonderful person you are.

You do not have to please others, just please you.  Let the others make their own happiness.

Gentle Hugs to YOU.

Kitt

Posted 8/24/2008 7:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jane

I agree with what everyone has written to you, I don't get the doctor and it sucks that you are having to live with the pain everyday,that is not fair...you have been through so much.


It is time to do something for yourself,too bad you could not get a hotel with a hot tub,and just go and enjoy yourself.

You are such a good person,and you deserve to be treated right,and to be happy.

You have come a long way,I am sure that it does not feel like it now,but you have.
Keep talking to us,we will always be here for you!
Posted 8/26/2008 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Please forgive me for not getting back in here but things have been really hetic in so many ways .

Yesterday i was woken by hubby at four in the morning as i was to drive him to work as i needed the car to drive up to see the specialist but the thing was he had his clock an hour ahead of time so he just went back to sleep for another hour but me i was wide awake and couldn`t go back to sleep so just layed in the bed .

Before i left home i cleaned everything up and fed all my animals most of the little ones i took with me .
Then i had to do shopping so there would be enough food in the house .
Finally i set of around 10:30 for the drive up here finally arriving at 7:45pm a very long trip indeed having to stop a few times to take some pain relief and some valium .

Today i took my daughter clothes shopping what a painful experience some thing i will not do again .Then this afternoon i go to see the specialist and as we know the news wasn`t good .He thinks the cancer has attached it`s self to the nerves and thats why there is so much pain .He has put me of antibiotics as he thinks there is also infection .He has done tests and tomorrow i have to collect all pathology results from all the other drs .Then my next step is to se another specialist for more biopsys to see how far it`s spread
( cancer ) .After telling this specialist all of the problems i have had and have still got he told me it is really complicated and is hard to treat .Not sure of whats next just so dissappointed in everything atm .
I`m not going home until friday am spending a couple more days with my mil there is no pressure here at all and we get on ok .

Tonight i`m sitting in my room just want to be by myself i know i have been really down for a while now and am at the stage i just do not know what to do anymore .
Jane
Posted 8/26/2008 10:41 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Jane,

Oh Sweetie, I am sorry I missed the part about the return of the cancer but please see my post under my thread re my sister............there is hope and there is power in prayers and in believing.

Don't you give up my dear lady. You have come so far and I know how hard it is.  Life seem like it has dumped enough on you already and now this.

Do stay with your MIL as long as you want.  Your hubby is a big boy and he can handle himself................you need the break and the time for just you.

Know I am praying for you and that you are in my heart.  I understand your disease to well.

Love
Kitt

Posted 8/27/2008 12:23 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Jane,

 

I am happy that you are back, but I am sorry about your circumstances.  Like Kitt says, stay with your mil and take some time out for yourself.  You do deserve it. 

 

Know that I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers too.

 

Luv and hugs, Karen

 

PS I am glad that you have your little critters with you. 

Posted 8/27/2008 3:06 PM (GMT 0)
Tonight i`m feeling really down ,i`m on the planet by myself .
I really don`t want to do this much longer .this is not what i wanted .
This is not how life should od turned out .
Tomorrow i am staying at my parents house not sure how it will go being back there again i have avoided going there until now just being in that room again gives me the creaps .
I was talking to my mother inlaw this afternoon as to how i have no memory as a child she can`t understand how it feels but i suppose unless you have been through what i did then you would not understand .
Kitt the posts about your sister are wonderful in the fact that she has made such improvements in her condition it must be such a relief to you to see the change .The power of prayer is truely a remarkable thing indeed .
I`m just so tired of fighting i feel as though i have been fighting all my life and still as i sit here tonight i have nothing .The only person i have talked to is my sister who is in a very abusive relationship and i really fear for her both physically and mentally .I put aside my problems in the hope i can help her but it`s not working and ultimately she will have to do it on her own i just can`t do it anymore .
I do not have the courage to do what i feel needs to be done .
Jane
Posted 8/27/2008 4:51 PM (GMT 0)
Jane,

You are truly scaring me again. You really have to talk to somebody. I mean somebody professional. You are going through a really difficult time right now I know, and I think you need help with this. It is so hard to feel so alone, as you do. I don't think you should have to face everything all by yourself.

We can be here for you, but is that enough? Don't think that it is time for you to get some help with this? I am praying for you Jane, I truly want you to find happiness.

Luv and hugs, ...Karen
Posted 8/27/2008 10:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen .not wanting to scare you or anyone .I`m not sure i can go to the pros again i have tried several and i know it makes me feel worse just talking to them .The last time i saw my old psychologist it made me feel just so bad thats when i gave up on ever trying them again i thought she and only her understood what it was like for me but as it finally came out i was wrong .
I face each day not with the outlook i really want but don`t think to myself here we go again i try to pick something that makes me feel good but there isn`t much left anymore .
One thing i know is the problems with my younger sister ( her abusive relationship ) has really played it`s toll on my a lot of later but i just can`t turn away i know what it`s like to have no one i live with it every day .She rings me just about every day atm its getting hard but not sure what else i can do but be there on the end of the phone line as we live so far apart i could not even go there to be with her.
So many times i wish i wouldn`t wake up the constant pain from life and the added pain of the cancer it just gets so much for me .
For the past couple of days i have made it through with the help of an online friend who stays up until two in the morning talking to me on msn without her i`m not sure where i would be .
I`m worried about the drive home on friday just with the fact that my mind is constantly wondering when infact the driving should come first .This trip will be on my own as i`m leaving my daughter here with the inlaws as she attends TAFE here for the vet nursing course she is doing .For me to drive the eight hour trip will be very tiring .
Last night i didn`t sleep very well and am starting the day feeling very tired indeed but i have to keep going have so much to do and my little animals to feed as i had to bring them all up with me .
Will drop back tonight all going well
Thanks Karen for being there .
Jane
Posted 8/28/2008 2:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jane do take some time for yourself, I  sorrry about your sister, your she is gonna have to come to her senses herslef, you are tapped out, you have done as much as you can, no yougotto take care of uou.  I am so sorry to hear about the caner, but there is power is prayers, please keep on posting, and I wish there someone with you so you owuldnt have to be alone, you need someone to talk too, we are praying for you...Love..Sheryl
Posted 8/28/2008 2:16 PM (GMT 0)
Evening Sheryl or should i say good morning it`s just past midnight here .
I am supposed to be sleeping but i just can`t manage to stop thinking long enough to rest .in six hours i`m driving the long trip back home something i`m really not looking forward to one bit but you never know ....
Tonight i`m a bit stressed out as i`m at my parents home this place just brings back so many awful and terrifying memories for me it`s impossible to settlle at all .
It really sucks about he cancer and makes me feel so more down than before .
tonight in my phone call to my sister she seemed a lot brighter but then i know she is just as good as i am at hiding from everyone how she is actually feeling . I do worry about her so much .
Believe me i have been saying my fair share of prayers and infact have a coupe of other lovely woman who include me in theirs also each day.
I think the thing thst wears me down so much is the constant pain it never lets up for longand the taste of blood in my mouth from the seeping of blood down my throat something i find hard to handle.
But for now i will have to see if i can take soem more valium and see if i can settle a bit .
Jane
Posted 8/28/2008 2:31 PM (GMT 0)
JAne I hope the valium helps you settle, im sorry you have todrive back. Yeah alot of are good at hiding what we really feel, at least we can come here and vent and be ourselves, take caree of you....Love..Sheryl
Posted 9/5/2008 3:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all i have not been in for a while just not a good time of late .
I have been in a lot of pain with whats been going on and still waiting to hear about the surgeon so for now all i can do is keep up the pain relief .What gets me is not being able to do the simpliest things around the house as now i am finding i am getting really breathless just talking on the phone at times is very difficult.

Today has been a really down day for me it would of been my sons 22nd birthday i just sit and cry silent tears no one has even mentioned him today but for me i`ve thought about it for days .No matter how much time passes the pain does not lessen .

I had better head to bed as its very late in the morning here and seeing i have a step granddaughter sleeping over i had better try and get some shut eye last night was a shocker and then to wake up feeling so sick with the pain was not a good thing .
Night ,
Jane
Posted 9/5/2008 4:24 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah you get some rest Jane. I am sorry about your son, we care, remember that. Rest well, or try too....
Posted 9/6/2008 3:08 AM (GMT 0)

Dear Jane, Hello sweety. I do know how hard it is for you as I watch my sister being poked and probed.  At this time it looks like she would not be ready for surgery until November.  The tumor on her ovary is the size of an orange and she has many masses throughout her abdomen.  She had a pericentisis today and they  withdrew 2850 cc of fluid.  That always also helps her to breath easier.

I wish I could be with her more right now but my hubby had is Prostate Cancer surgery on the 28th of August.  He is doing very well.  I just can't be gone over night until next week.

Now as for you my sweet lady, let the sun shine down on you and warm your heart with all the love we are sending your way.  Your HW family is always here for you. Ships full of prayers are on their way to you so know you are truly in good hands.

I hope the kindness you've given to others returns many times to you. wink

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 9/12/2008 1:29 PM (GMT 0)
My dearest Kitt you sure have enough on your hands at the moment .
I do hope your hubby has made steady progress and the prognosis is ggod for him .
Your sister has surly gone through so much and it`s gods will she is is still here i hope she also has made great progress in her long recovery and is regaining her strength each day .
I just feel it would be just so much easier all around to just give up and to stop fighting but it`s all of you in here that give me the strength to get through another day .
Still no word from the specialist so come monday i will be ringing them again i can`t go on like this i just do not want to anymore .

Tonight i had dinner with one of my sons and his partener i just feel asthough i`m a stranmger in their lives now and just not needed anymore .We live in the same town but never see nor hear from them and it`s much the same with my other kids i`m only here for them when they want something these days and i just feel i am being used for their own advantage .Is that wehat life as a parent is really about ? This is not whart i had ever expected nor wanted in life .

Yesterday i was heart broken to say good bye to one of my joeys but he is free now and better off for it .I still have the two little ones but one is gravely ill and will possibly not make it after all this time caring for her .she is resting comfortably atm and there is nothing more i can do she is in gods hands now and if it`s his will then let it be .

Hubby is away and eventhough it`s a pain having him around crirising my every move i miss him so much when he is not here .Am going to go to bed in a minute as i`m just so tired and worn out i have no fight left in me .
tonight i took some valium and had a couple of glasses of wine i know i should not do it but it`s the only way i could cope with the evening .
Just maybe tomorrow will be different it would be nice to wake without pain for a day .the chemist commented that i`m taking way to much pain relief but what else can i do i need some relief .
Jane
Posted 9/12/2008 2:35 PM (GMT 0)
Jane what kinda pain releif have they got you on? be carefule with the wine and the valium.

Im sorry about your joeys, was he ready to go on his own?  I hope the little one makes it.

I now ow you miss someone when there gone then everything goes back to the same.

I sorry you are feeling this way about your kids, life shuldnt be that way. just remember we are all here for you

Posted 9/12/2008 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
Jane,

Just wanted to say hello.

hugs, Karen
Posted 9/16/2008 4:01 AM (GMT 0)
Sheryl i can only take certain meds due to severe allergies and the chemist thinks i`m having too much as it is the prescribed dosage is six a day i have those before lunch time some days .he said my kidneys will shut down if i continue ,But the thought of seing another stupid dr puts me off going and i told him that so he had suggested taking two different ones together .
Some days i can cope ok and others it`s all too much .Yesterday i had a continual nose bleed for five hours then again in the afternoon needless to say i was totally worn out come afternoon .Today i woke after just a couple of hours sleep only to be faced with a bad case of hayfever just what i need .
This afternoon i`m ringing the specialist again to see what he is planning as i do not want to go on like this every day i just can`t do it anymore .
I had a few days without hubby and the youngest being here so didn`t cook at all i didn`t need to eat that much and the daughter is just too lazy to cook so i didn`t care .In a few weeks they will be going away for a week i`m so looking forward to having a bit of peace.
I`m off to have a bit of a lie down am just so exhausted .
Jane
Posted 9/18/2008 10:42 AM (GMT 0)
Today was a particularly bad day everything i did i found it so difficult i`m having so much trouble just breathing the smallest thing leaves me breathless i feel just so old and today i gave in i have made an appointment for tomorrow to see one of the new drs here not sure how i will go and am just so anxious about seeing yet another dr but the pain and now the breathing problems have really got me down so much .
My house is really getting me down even more because i just can`t keep it up .No one here gives a darn if there is dirty dishes or washing lying around but to me i just can`t handle it .Monday i went to be at four in the afternoon as i just could not go on thinking if i got some sleep then i would be able to cope a bit better .As the day pass i just feel not only the cancer is winning but the depression is really taking hold again .
I do not want to go onto meds again as i just do not think they help me sure they cover up some of the feelings but it`s the feeling on the inside that they don`t help and thats the only thing i want to change .
Talking to the psycharitists and psychologists only made me feel as though it was just drawing things out ( in the sense that i was not getting over anything just repeating everything all the time )
I have tried to keep occupied with other interests but it`s not working anymore these past two weeks in particular have been really hard ( most probably due mainly to the amount of pain i am in now )
Jane
Posted 9/18/2008 1:42 PM (GMT 0)
Jane I am so sorry you are in so much pain.  I am glad you are going to see a doc.  When you say the meds are not working you meant antidperssants right.  What kind of dr are you going to see.

Be careful with the pain pills, im worried if the doctor says its gonna efffect your kidneys.

I glad will be getting a weeks rest with the daughter going away for a week.

I hope you have goodnight and get some rest...Love..sheryl

Posted 9/18/2008 4:56 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry you are in such a dark place but do look up and see the light.  WE are all here for you.  We will light the way to help you through this pain and depression you are living with.

My sister is not doing well................She has huge pulmonary issues and if she needed to be intubated and on a ventilator she only has a 10 % chance of ever coming off.  So basically we are down to chemo.  If they ever felt she could have surgery and for that she would have to be intubated......nasty merry-go-round.  She is a fighter thow and we support that.  She wants so much to get back to her home 500 miles from here.

I am so proud of my niece as she has not left her Mother's side unless I am there to relieve her.

It was August 13th she was brought to the University Hospital.

Now you...............I am proud of the guts it took to make that appointment and now you keep it..............your go and even if you feel awful give this Doctor a chance to help you.

Self confidence usually is based on how well or not so well we've done in previous situations. It is how we feel about ourselves. Our self worth is based upon our previous performance . We all tend to base our own personal values on how successfully we perform in different situations and we often want a perfect performance of ourselves. If we don't live up to our perfect standards, we end up lowering our opinions of ourselves.

Please give youself permission to accept yourself just the way you are.  You are so important to so many here.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

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