rant

Been trying to put to words some of the thoughts that run wild in the confines of my mind like you asked. Its just a rant of everyday things small and irrelevant just thoughts I keep to myself cause there is no one to share them with, not sure if its normal to share. I know that sometimes my thoughts are just thoughts but sometimes they break me, drown me leave me wondering why I breath… I think about the 8 months I have been sleeping on someone’s couch how I cant stay here forever but where else would I go don’t earn enough money to even afford a room if I stop paying some of my debt I could probable afford something but then the   court would not be happy if I break my agreement. I know they cant do much I have nothing to reposes or sell just the clothes on my back, but it leaves me feeling like a criminal they treat you like scum and you fear the shame and judgement of people concluding   you wasted your money over committed and now you are to pathetic to pay your debt. But there is also the other half of the debtors who are still looking for me every time there is a knock on the door my heart races thinking maybe they have found me they have told me they can lock me up for not paying they claim it is stealing. I feel guilty for not paying any rent where I stay in spite of them saying I don’t need to they said I could just give them massages( I do sports massages) as payment and it’s a fair deal but I feel like a slave sometimes I don’t have the option of saying no they can ask anytime. I stay inside I hide from the world when I have to go out I fear that I might run into someone I know who will ask me how I am what I am doing all the questions and how I would stutter an lie to embarrassed to tell the truth.   Staying with people in such a small space is getting to me there is no place to be alone I have to fall in with them eat what they eat when they eat   sleep wake up when they do watch what they watch I am just a guest a freeloading one at that. It drives me insane watching the same stuff every night but I am at a loss cause there is nothing else to do. The women of the house has got a part time business she runs and works at night so she is busy with work and the guys have the remote and we watch cars motorbikes boxing and so on every night they own the couch and the tv and they both seem deaf as the sound is turned on full sometimes its so loud I cant hear myself think. It’s a strange set up she has one ex boyfriend staying here they still share a room and one ex boyfriend coming for dinner every night she even makes them both sandwiches everyday for work. So the guys bond and do the tv thing she works and I go insane I sometimes cook and do dishes to keep busy but I am not to good with the cooking and she also enjoys cooking and doesn’t always want me to cook. I struggling to get use to living with people it’s the first time in my life I have lived and interacted this closely with guys I grew up a loner no friends just me and my thoughts. Wonder if I am going to grow old and die alone if i would ever meet someone and share a life but then I look at these guys and I think I would go insane I cant stand it.In the same breath I know inside that if they would ask me to leave right now I would be totally lost and rejected would not make it on my own. I don’t fit into this life I breath and go trough the motions that’s not living ……            

Dark,

I am with you in spirit as always................I believe in you and you rant when you need to. I will try to catch up as fast as I can.

Hugs
Kitt

Hi Sweetie

I am very glad that you have finally talked and let us know what is going on.
I can relate to what you are going through as far as feeling like a "freeloader",but if they did not care about you then they would not have you staying with them.

Do you have to option of declaring bankruptcy there? I know it is the last resort,but if your bills are taking all of your money,then it might be time to do that.

I can research it on the net for you,just tell me if that is an option.

Hey Dark,

I  am glad you are taking the time to post and I am so sorry you are still struggling but look how far you have come and you are still with us.  You have the support and caring of a special family here on HealingWell.

My prayers for you and you email me if you feel like it

Hugs

Kitt

I feel like I am going insane….I am trying but it all seems pointless. this morning when I woke up it felt as if the whole world was resting on ,it was the first feeling as I opened my eyes don’t know if it was all the stupid dreams I have which I cant remember most of the time its just a heaviness…I pulled the blankets over my head and tried to just sleep again forget the day but I couldn’t I got irritated and angry with myself for being so useless cause today would be the same as every other day if I didn’t do something but what ???The rain cleared for a bit and I got up grab a raincoat and went for a walk on the beach there was a icy wind blowing and my mind just could not shut up for every positive there was a negative I felt like screaming like running into the sea and just keep going. I walked until my legs felt wobbly and the anger and frustration turned to apathy the I don’t care attitude….. I watch the waves the rainbow and the dark rain clouds and I got sad cause all of it was so incredible amazing yet there I was I should be happy ….

 

I went back to the flat took a shower ate some fruit and sunflower seeds cleaned up a bit the housemate was tapping away on her computer she gets so caught up in it …. I tried to think of something to do I switched on the tv to see if there was anything on discovery or history channel but noting a hundred channels and nothing interests me I did some bible study for a bit but that ended to she left for work at around 11am and there I was I checked my e-mails and surfed the web for abit but that irritated me to I wrecked my brain trying to find something to do but nothing it drives me insane!!!!! I ended up eating in spite of not being hungry which just made it worse…. I folded the washing and I made beans and rice for dinner tonight its amazing how much time there is in a day when you trying to fill it so you don’t think to much ….I have to stay busy have to do stuff find a fulltime job or a hobby anything  but I don’t KNOW what I cant think I don’t know what I like or don’t like I don’t care I don’t want to do anything specific aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I am going insane I don’t know how and where to start how to fix this I have to take responsibility for my own life but I don’t seem to be getting it right…………….