Hello, just looking for someone to listen.

Hello. I'm new here. I came across this site while doing a web search. I am kind of depressed & need someone to just listen. I guess I'm looking for somewhere to vent. I have not been diagnosed with depression, I am not seeing a psychologist at this point, and I'm not on any meds. That being said, here's my story.

My husband and I split up over a year ago. I asked him to leave after 7 1/2 years together because he was yelling at me and my daughter all the time & we were just in a bad place. My feelings toward him had severely changed. When we met, we both were smoking pot. After getting pregnant with my daughter, I quit doing drugs & he would not, or could not, quit. I was tired of him spending all of our money on drugs and being high all the time. This was also a huge contributing factor to why I asked him to leave. I had grown up & took the responsibility of parenthood seriously & it felt like I was completely alone in that act, so why keep the partnership going where there is no partner?

I honestly didn't think he would ever change, so I had begun making preparations to get a divorce. But, he did something amazing. He actually sought help for himself and also quit doing drugs completely. After some serious visits to a psychologist and psychiatrist, he was diagnosed with bipolar. He was medicated & for the first time in all these years, I was able to see the man I fell in love with. After being separated for 8 months, he finally won back my heart and moved back in with us. The issues with his bipolar are still difficult & they still have him experimenting with meds to find the right combination for him. In the meantime, while he is generally much better than before, I do still have to deal with his ups & downs, which is just completely overwhelming sometimes.

After moving back in with us, we decided together to also quit smoking cigarettes. This was tough for both of us, considering our smoking habits went back to our very young lives (we're both in our thirties now). I had managed to quit smoking while I was pregnant, but it was impossible to stay committed to that while living with a smoker. Anyhow, this is where my problems truly began and I started having issues with my inner self. We quit smoking almost 6 months ago. Since then, I have not cheated even once.

Instead of smoking, I replaced my habit with FOOD. Not unheard of, right? That wouldn't be so bad, except I really, truly replaced my habit with food. I have gained 10lbs for each month since I quit, yes, 60lbs!!! What's worse is, I just don't seem to be able to make myself stop eating. My inner dialogue is AWFUL! I look in the mirror and call myself a fat cow. I cry every single day when I get dressed to go to work, especially if my favorite fat outfits aren't clean & I have to wear something where people can see the fat rolls on my body. I tell myself I'm ugly & disgusting. I go to a restaurant & I tell myself before I go in, I am just going to order a salad this time. I promise myself just a salad...nothing more...until the waiter comes to the table that is. Instead of the salad, when they ask for my order, I find myself blurting out that I'll have the steak & chicken dinner, and don't forget the huge appetizer. I hate myself even more & you can't imagine the things I say to myself as I'm eating all that food.

I can't believe I actually typed that out. I hate myself, isn't that the truth. Since all of this has started, I have been on this downward spiral that seems to be careening out of control. I have tried so hard to get my life in order and do what is right. I got rid of one terrible deadly habit & picked up another one to compensate. Too much food can kill me just as quickly -if not quicker- than cigarettes. There are other factors at work here as well. Like not being satisfied with my career, my husband starting a new career where he's hardly ever home, and my spoiled, out of control 3 year old, whom I am beginning to believe has ADD. So much is happening all at once and I am completely overwhelmed.

I often find my thoughts leaning toward suicide. I have also caught myself daydreaming about leaving my husband and my daughter & just running away from all of this. I know both of those thoughts are really crazy. I would never act on either of them, ever, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it. Please, what the heck is wrong with me? I'm not sure how much further down the spiral I can go. Thank you so much to any of you who actually took the time to read all of this.

Hi Sadmama,

And welcome to the forum. As Erik said, and I agree, try to find the good things in yourself and think about them. I think you will find you are much stronger than you think you are.

Another thing is try to find something to do with your hands. You used your hands to smoke and you use your hands to eat. It is a hand to mouth habit. Start crochetting, or knitting, maybe cross stitch. Anything that will keep your hands busy. When you are hungry, drink a glass of water. I think that we can eat the things we like, but have to watch the portions.

There is also exercising, walking for instance. That is so good for us. Substitute protien bars for a meal if you can. I try to walk every day. It helps me from gaining, but I am maintaining. I want to lose so I have been trying to walk more than I was. I will let you know how it goes.

I hope that you have been having a wonderful day.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

Sadmama,

    You are not alone.  I too have a huge problem with food.  I have binge eating disorder and cant' stop myself once I start.  It truely is an addiction and it is an awful one at that.  I have really bad depression also which just fuels my binge eating.  I know what you mean about having such good intentions at a restaurant then blowing it all and eating whatever.  Its really hard especially when everyone else around you is eating things you shouldnt be eating.  Don't be too hard on yourself hun, you are def not alone here.  I am so sorry you are going through all this with your husband.  It must be so hard.  I just wish you the best and pray you are ok, just know that people here do care

-Gabbs

You are off to a good start. If you do slip up, don't beat yourself up over it, just start again. Eventually it becomes a life style instead of a habit. I wish you the best. I have a lot of the same problems, especially at night time. I work hard not to eat at night, it seems to stick with you when you do.

Take care,
Hugs, Karen