Always the same

Heej Li,

Maybe you just blow things up. You are a wonderful person, and I hope you realize that as well. Being jealous and possessive can be positive too, it means you truly love him. Maybe you can try to change your way of thinking, so that whenever feelings of jealousy or possessive thoughts turn up, you immediately think of for instance the positive sides, or something else.

I like the idea that whenever you have those feelings, you try to see the positive side, and try to be grateful for the time you already, and maybe will, spend with him. Grateful that you have crossed paths, grateful for you to be in the position to spend time with him. Doing this will focus your attention from the negative thoughts of jealousy and fear of loss towards a more joyful state of being, one that is grateful and full of joy and happiness by realizing how awesome it is to know each other. Maybe that will even make you love him more, because the fear of loss is gone. You can love him without the negative stuff.

And maybe he will notice your love increased, and you will have an even happier time together. In fact, I do believe that will happen. Positivity is something that can be easily transferred, it is very contagious.

I hope this helps a bit. All the best with you and you friend, I am sure things will work out!
Erik

A small edit: I see you are still online, if you want to talk about this in chat, I can be there. I will be in for the next 15-20 minutes or so.

Hi Li,

I think if you find something to do while he is out, like Kitt said, you will feel much better. And as she said, you recognise it for what it is, so now is the time to change your thinking pattern.

If you don't want to go out with friends, spend the time nurturing yourself. Take a nice bath with some candles, put on some of your favorite music. You can do this. I have complete faith in you.

Hugs, Karen

I am feeling alot like that lately too hun! Since my boyfriend & I split up so I could sort myself out, I have been feeling really jealous of anyone I see who has a boyfriend or girlfriend... It drives me insaine inside but I can't help thinking it... Okay I am getting on with my life and feeling better in myself for it, but I still can't help waking up every morning and hating EVERYONE in the world who has a boyfriend or girlfriend that they can spend time with... It's just so annoying! I try to keep my mind occupied but it just stresses me out so much!! x x x

I felt like I was reading my own words when I read your post. I completely understand exactly how you feel. My husband has a job that keeps him away days, weeks, sometimes a month at a time, so it's mentally exhausting when you have those feelings. I try so hard sometimes to figure out what is the "real" problem. Maybe my self-esteem is that low that I know it would be so easy for him to find someone better than me. Someone who isn't so jealous, you know? Someone who trusts him. But it never fails, I go right back to feeling those jealous feelings. I really wish that I had this problem conquered and could offer you some great advice on how to help, but I can't. I just wanted you to know that there are other people who are going through the same thing. I wish that we weren't, but at least after reading your post, I don't feel like I'm crazy because I feel like I'm the only person in the world who feels this way. So, as usual, I will take this one day at a time, as it sounds like you are doing the same. Best of luck to you.

Hi Luvleigh17,

I just wanted to welcome you to HealingWell and to the board. You've come to a warm and welcoming place and I think you'll find that people here are very supportive and understanding.


serafena

Dear Li,

It feels to me like you are having anticipatory anxiety. You start worrying how anxious and upset your will feel when he is out.

Why the mind tends towards the negative rather than the positive is a mystery. Yet, there is no doubt that anticipatory anxiety is purely a mind game. You can win the game if you are aware of your thinking and able to challenge the irrational, unrealistic thinking and replace it with more realistic thinking. Realistic thinking is not necessarily positive thinking, it is more objective thinking sometimes called scientific thinking because it is based on evidence, not conjecture. So, next time you start to feel anxious, become a scientific thinker and examine the evidence. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised to find the source of your anxiety vanish like clouds dispersing after a storm.

Many years ago when I was home with 4 small kids and my hubby would be out on his motorcycle, I would anticipate all kinds of things which included him talking to young slim gals.

I have learned to trust him and not get into that mode anymore but I did some really dumb thing on some of those occasions so you are not alone......

You have us now to help you recognize the behavior for what it is and help you move forward.

Hugs

Kitt

Hi Kitt,

I think your right about the anticipatory thing!! I think in part it's because sometimes I get quite bored in work & my mind starts to work overtime & then I get totally carried away, whereas if my mind is occupied it is not too bad!!

I will have to practise some relaxation techniques to stop me from stressing out!!!

I'm a not doing to well so far this weekend, I hate it.  My tummy is in knots & I barely slept last night until my bf texted to say he was at home.  I don't understand y i am like this sometimes, I don't know what I am so afraid of.  I have been constantly checking my phone all weekend.  We are both out tonight seperately & i just hope I can stop myself from being phone obbsessed when I am with friends! I am seeing him tmr & I am going to have to try really hard to not be irritable and nasty (i have no reason to be & I don't want us to argue but i feel it is inevitable!)  I am so frustrated with myself!!!!!!!  & wish I could relax as I have felt on edge the whole weekend so far!