HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Desperate for Help

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 12/12/2008 1:24 AM (GMT 0)
Well, it's me again.  It's been a crazy couple of weeks and I'm at my wits end.  As I've said before, it's been a roller coaster being with my wife.  Things came to a head this past Monday when she got upset with me for asking her questions about something that we had been arguing about.  In a nutshell, she had been lying to me about what she was doing at night (she was going out to bars with friends and drinking and such) b/c she knows I don't like her to do those things.  She never used to do those things before but had started to over the past 2 months (without my knowledge).  Well, I found out about it and things kind of exploded.

She finally said that she had had enough and that it was over.  Amazingly, I was actually okay with it.  In fact, I felt a sense of relief that I wouldn't have to deal with this stuff anymore.  I didn't get emotional at all (was probably supressing it).  I actually called our realtor to ask about selling the house and was starting to pack stuff.  She was crying but it was hard to tell why.  about a 4 hours later, she was sitting there and I was about to leave to pick up my daughter from school.  I decided to give her a hug and tell her that even though its ending, I will always love her and be there for her if she needed me.  She then hugged me back and started crying.  Saying that she loved me and didn't want to get a divorce.  She also said things would change and she would break out of this sadness and treat me like a husband should be.  We both seemed extremely happy with this and took off to Vegas for a couple of days (her suggestion).  Things were great in Vegas during the day, but at night, she felt the sadness creeping up again.  We made it through the first night fine and did okay the second night.  We then left early on Wed to attend scheduled doctors appointments.  In this appointment she was diagnosed as clinically depressed and prescribed Prozac and Xanax (to help her sleep at night).  She was also referred to a therapist (she hasn't scheduled it yet).  I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (I couldn't sleep due to the stress of the situation or function during the day b/c my mind was going crazy).  I was prescribed Xanax and Ambien.

Once we got back home, it seems as if we fell right back into the same pattern.  She is once again indifferent to me at home and is more concerned with her happiness/desires.  She is going out with her friend for dinner tonight (which she knows causes me anxiety b/c of the lying from before) but she refuses to do anything about it.  When I ask her about it, she gets upset with me saying I don't trust her and "here we go again with the questions!".  Now I am contemplating leaving her for good this time.  I can't survive at this rate.  But, I also don't want to make her situation worse by leaving her when she needs me (although she always rejects my attempts to help). 

Is this scenario normal?  I want to stay and help but it doesn't seem like it will do any good.  Please provide your insight/opinion.  I love my wife dearly and I don't want to leave her but I'm running out of alternatives.  Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? 

Oh, and I'm waiting to take another Xanax for when I get home.  Don't want to drive on that...lol

Posted 12/12/2008 1:37 AM (GMT 0)
Can you give her time for the new meds to work? They take four to six weeks.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/12/2008 1:53 AM (GMT 0)
I don't know why, but I keep wanting to give your wife the benefit of a doubt. Even when you have clearly said that she has been going to the bars and partying. Maybe I am not the one to give you advice on this one. I just don't know why I keep sticking up for her.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/12/2008 5:47 AM (GMT 0)
Good Morning,

I have found that going away from your problems for a few days always makes you feel better as all the problems are left at home. A trip to Vegas was a good idea although I am confused by not being able to sleep at night........:) you were in Vegas, no one sleeps at night until they are exhausted.

But the trip was over and when you came home nothing had really changed. Your wife still has depression and you have anxiety.

Perhaps a trial seperation after you have given her meds time to kick in.

No one wants to be depressed as it is a living Hades and some people try to run away from it...........thus out with the girlfriends. Perhaps she is feeling so much pressure at home to be okay she is using avoidance so she can feel a little bit happy.

My hubby has lived with me for 26 years, does he get frustrated, oh yes. And he will say things that sometimes hurt but I know it sucks to have a wife that is depressed however it sucks even more to be the wife with depression.

He always pulls it together and stands by me as I do him.

Take care.

Kitt

Just my 2 cents worth.
Posted 12/12/2008 5:58 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

I think that your username says it all. Deep down, you truly love your depressed wife, and although you have to power to leave her, I think what Karen and Kitt said about waiting for the meds to kick in is the first step. If things have not changed after awhile, then you may have a decision to make. However, I think the therapy in conjunction with the meds will benefit her most. Meds can only do so much for a person (in my own experience) and therapy is where sometimes, the true cause of the depression will really come out.

Personally, my parents are in a similar situation to you, my mother is the one who is not depressed but my father has been clinically depressed for most of their 26 years together, and it has been a rollercoaster ride. There were times when she felt immensely frustrated, so much that she was considering leaving him as you have your wife, but meds and therapy did improve his depression somewhat. Not completely, but it is a work in progress.

Hope this helps and best of luck. Keep us updated...

Ashley
Posted 12/12/2008 6:24 AM (GMT 0)

Thank you for your advice.  As always, you make a lot of sense.  The problem for me is the lying.  I've lost my trust in her and she seems to have such an easy time of lying to do the things that she wants.  I'm even scared that she may have had an affair (I would never be able to forgive this...no proof though, just a hunch).  Not suffering from depression myself, I don't truly understand it.  However, I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder that is just making my life miserable.  We had a long talk today and unfortunately, I made the decision to leave her (saddest moment of my life).  The funny thing is she was telling me that I should just let her go.  She admits she can't give me what I am looking for and that I should just get out and let her go.  She was not emotional at all about it and seemed more mad that I had brought up all of these issues that had been boiling up inside of me.

So sadly, we are now going to get divorced.  We are going to stick it out for the holidays for the kids sake.  I really just want her to be happy and between her depression (though not always there it seems) and my anxiety, we were just making each other more miserable.  I'm extremely sad about the fate of my marriage (wonder if I'll go from anxious to depressed) but am so appreciative of all the support I've gotten on this website.  Thank all and God Bless.

Fondly....WillAlwaysLoveMyDepressedWife

Posted 12/12/2008 6:34 PM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry this has turned out this way. I know we have been reading your posts and side of this story however at my age I have learned that there is much that goes on behind closed doors that only you and your wife are aware of.

I hoped you would give it a bit more time but it feels to me like trust is your biggest issues and no matter what if you cannot trust her you cannot stay with her. I am truly sorry for your pain.

I wish you the best and hope you take care of yourself now.

This is where I have to sign off as I do not want to make any assumptions or any judgements. Just the facts as you have written.

May you have peace within,

Kitt
Posted 12/12/2008 11:31 PM (GMT 0)
hi, I'm sorry to hear that your leaving your wife, maybe you just need some time apart to think things over , just my 2 cents
Posted 12/13/2008 4:51 AM (GMT 0)
sad   sad sad It makes me sad that you are going to give it all up when you still love your wife.I understand that you might need a brake from each other at this time but I think it would be better if you just seperated for right now.Give the medication time to do its job before you decide if a divorce is the right thing to do.You dont have to be in a hurry to do something that is this inportent.GOOD LUCKand think about it.
Posted 12/13/2008 6:26 AM (GMT 0)

While I have decided divorce is the right thing to do right now, it is not final by any means.  I think I've been enabling her way too much and letting her get away with whatever she wanted to do (even her own family cannot believe that I am still with her and they actually fully support me in this).  I really believe this decision needed to be made not only for her (I'm hoping it will push her to seek therapy that she was referred to but hasn't gone to yet).  In addition, I really have to think about my 2 kids.  They are really feeling the effects of what is going on.  With my ever developing anxiety disorder, I'm starting to get into a position where I won't be the optimal parent that I want to be.  Thus, the divorce decision has actually let my mind settle down and focus on the task at hand.  I told my wife I would still be there for her no matter what and that I will always love her.  I will continue to take her to the doctor (we went on Wednesday) if needed and take care of the kids so she can concentrate on healing herself.

We are actually still living in the same house (economy issues) but just won't have the intimate contact that we don't actually have anymore anyways (hhmm, nothing really changed).  I think it's just the word "divorce" that making her realize that she really needs to seek the consistent help that she needs. 

Thus, I am not running away from this at all.  We still have the same living arrangement and I am still going to be here for her (although, she still pushes me away when I want to help).  I think the divorce decision is allowing me to maintain a logical frame of mind that is most beneficial for the kids and for myself.

Thank you again for all of your support.  I really respect all of your opinions and will consider to seek all of your wise guidance.  I will continue to work on keeping our marriage together, although it will need to wait until she has taken care of herself.  Thanks again and God Bless.

Posted 12/14/2008 5:07 AM (GMT 0)
If you're depressed, you'll know exactly what it feels like, but putting it into words is rarely easy. If you're the friend, relation or colleague of a depressed person, it can be very hard to understand exactly what's happening. To sum it up in one word, depression is Hell.

Depending on whether the sufferer is experiencing mild or major depression, the actual strength of the feelings will vary, but the principle is the same - a confusing maelstrom of powerful negative emotions makes everyday tasks seem pointless. The sufferer is permanently miserable, and although in many cases they'll realise that there's no logical reason for them to feel so low, there's very little they can do about it because the emotions in their head are so powerful

Imagine going through day-to-day life, with nothing apparently wrong, but feeling as though every one of your closest relatives has suddenly died, leaving you totally alone. The experience often gets better in the late evening, but returns, just as strong, the following day. Quotes from depressed people compare the experience to;

a slow crawl through Hell

being a leaf in a strong wind

being trapped inside my own head

watching a film of my life

going through a dark grey shadow of life

looking over the suicide cliff

seeing the world through a plate of dark glass

being a kite in a hurricane - I daren't let go of the string
Resource: the Glass Bell Jar

I know you need to take care of you and the children but remember she is sick, and you love her.

Kitt
Posted 12/14/2008 5:34 PM (GMT 0)

Kitt,

Thank you so much for that.  I do love her and you're absolutely right...I don't know what depression is like so I can't truly understand the pain she is going through.  The quotes are very telling and very powerful.  While I don't think she is going through a major depressive episode (since she is still able to go out and have fun with friends...although it may just be a temporary fix, I'm not really sure), I've decided I'm going to stay with it and just be here for her whenever she needs me (even if she doesn't come to me at least she knows I'm around).  The meds I'm on are really helping me keep my head straight as is my daughter, who knows just when her daddy needs a hug or an "I Love You".  I know this will take time but I did make a vow to stay with her "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health".  I am going to honor those vows and see this through to the end.  Of note, I have my first therapy session tomorrow so I'm hoping to get more coping mechanisms on how to get through this situation and how to help my wife in the best way possible.

Thank you again for the insight.  All of you on this sight have been a godsend.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your advise.

Posted 12/14/2008 9:53 PM (GMT 0)
Your very welcome. I will pray that your wife goes to therapy and gets help. I admire you for doing the very best you can and if it turns out not so good then I will never judge you as I am not perfect and I know that you and the children need a good life too.

Kitt
Posted 12/17/2008 5:46 AM (GMT 0)
I just want to say that your wife may not know it but she is a lucky women to have someone like you to stand by her.More then likely your wife might think that you dont love her at this time.Before I hurt my self I did not think that my husband loved me even though he has alway been right next to me the whole time.But I did not love my self in fact I hated my self so I could not see how anyone else could love me.I put the blame on my husband for a lot of things that were not his falt because I did not want to deal with my depression.I did not want to be sick.I am sure that that is how it is for your wife.Have you thought about getting your wife to come on this forum?
Posted 12/17/2008 1:25 PM (GMT 0)

No.  She wouldn't want to do that right now.  I believe she is currently taking her medication so it will take time to kick in.  I'm not so sure she is that lucky.  We are having a lot of marriage issues related to trust right now and I'm not sure if its just us or if the depression is having anything to do with it (this is increasing my anxiety).  It doesn't make sense that she is able to go out with friends and seem to be fine but when at home, she always seems down.  The only thing that is making me think that she is more depressed than I may think is that she hasn't been doing nearly as much stuff with our daughter or her parents and sister.  She is really close to all of them but has been spending little time interacting with them (getting better with my daughter though only hugs/snuggling....no interactive games or anything like that).  This is totally against her character.  I'm even doing all the Christmas shopping and wrapping for the kids (yikes).  Every year she was always into buying stuff for the kids but this year is different.  She really doesn't have a lot of interest in it. 

When we went away for a couple of days last week (after the first time we decided to keep working on this), she seemed to be happy when we were out (there were times when her sadness would hit her though).  However, both nights she wanted to stay out and do things until she was totally exhausted.  She said this was because she was feeling it and wanted to be able to sleep right away.  Thus, while we had a great time (I guess she can have fun with me as well as with friends), it seems it was more to help keep her mind off of the sadness.  **I guess my question to this is, "is this characteristic of someone who is depressed?  Are you still able to go out and have fun but then still have the underlying sadness there?"**

Well, all answers will be appreciated as always.  Going to work hard to make it through another day.  Thank you all.

Posted 12/17/2008 3:14 PM (GMT 0)
Sometimes a change of scenery does help. But when I was really depressed, I didn't want to go anywhere at all. I just stayed inside. So I am no help there. But I didn't have any friends to go and do stuff with. So I don't know, that is just how it was for me. Hopefully more people will respond with some answers for you.

Have you gotten into therapy? I would ask the therapist about this questions or get some books on living with a depressed person. That would give you better insight on to how it is normal for a depressed person to act.

As always, keep posting, we are here for you.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 12/17/2008 4:35 PM (GMT 0)
Good Morning,

Yes depressed people can be very happy and enjoy themselves when they are removed for a time from where they associate all the depression. I would love to travel more and also when we are truly needed that makes us feel we are not worthless.

My example is my sister who has cancer and has been here in MN for 112 days. She needed me so I was able to kick into high gear and be there for her. It was sad for me to see her so ill but I knew I was needed and I was able to do what I could.

Also when you leave all your problems behind and go on a vacation you feel better, your with people and having fun. You not all wrapped up in the depression and wondering if you can beat it.

You are a good man but I woud like to add too that your wife is a good woman with one nasty disease. I know before this struck her she was good to you too. I sense that.

Bless you and do the best you can.

Kitt
Posted 12/18/2008 6:26 AM (GMT 0)

Kitt,

Thank you for the insight.  That makes sense and is really going to help me keep it together knowing what you just told me about depression.  There are so many misconceptions out there about depression that I was getting extremely confused (her sister told me "how can she be depressed but still go out and have fun with friends?").  I do think our home is a depressing environment for her (hence, her always being away from home). 

As for me, I just saw a Psych MD today and she put me on meds that will help to alleviate this overwhelming anxiety I am feeling.  Just reading your responses as helped me a lot too. 

Kitt and Karen, you are both unbelievable people for taking the time out to help a distressed husband deal with a disease that I have/had very little understanding of.  I greatly appreciate you both.

God bless

Posted 12/18/2008 6:29 AM (GMT 0)
I just wanted to add that for me I hid my depression from most people because I wanted to be O.K. I think this is what your wife is doing.Yes my family knew I was depressed but thay never dreamed that it was as bad as it was.I hid it so well at work that when thay heared that I was shot thay thought it was a drive by shotting(That only happens about 10 times a year in my whole state).I went out and drank and went to the casino trying to run from the pain.Most people who seen me thought I was having A blast.Also I tryed to blame my husband for are problams in are marriage even though it was me the whole time.I could not admit this because then I would have to admit that I was destroying myself just because I did not want to admit how sick I was.I know that I have not heared both sides of the story but it sure looks to me as if lmdw`s wife might have a lot in common with me.
Posted 12/18/2008 12:19 PM (GMT 0)
I am happy that we have been able to help you. I guess we want to try to help you understand her side of the depression. It can be such a hard disease to comprehend. You feel like you are never doing anything right, when actually you are. The depression takes over the person and they themselves don't realize that they are alienating others ie their family.

I so hope that everything works out for you and that she can feel comfortable at home and with you enough to start talking about things with you. Just let her know that you do love her and care about what she is doing.

You have been a good husband, I wish that she would come on the forum. Maybe someday she will. We would definately support her.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/19/2008 4:24 AM (GMT 0)
LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND. LOVE ENDURES ALL. DO NOT BE ANXIOUS FOR TOMORROW,FOR TOMORROW WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF. YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS WORTH THE WAIT. IN THE END YOU WILL BE STRONGER. GOD WILL BLESS YOU FOR STANDING BY YOUR WIFE.
Posted 12/19/2008 4:44 AM (GMT 0)
Good Evening LoveMyDepressedWife,

I am so proud of you for doing the Christmas shopping. I hope you know all about the gift bags and tissue paper thing............no boxes to wrap. I stock up on Xams Bags from the Dollar Store all year long.

I would love to wrap your gifts for you but somehow I know you will get it done.

Do invite your wife to wrap gifts and if she says no, let it go and just do it.

People with depression usually know something is wrong but we so badly want to be the way we were we become lost and do desperate things to try to hide our depression and we are the best actresses you will ever find but underneath are the tears of a clown. WE easily become desperately afraid we will lose our lives as we know them.

I am so glad you are getting help for yourself. If you don't take care of you first you cannot take care of others.

Bless you and know we are right here.

Hugs to all
Kitt
Posted 12/20/2008 3:53 AM (GMT 0)

Questions?,

I moved your post to a thread of your own so the members would see it.  Welcome to our world.

Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 12/20/2008 9:36:57 AM (GMT-7)

✚ New Topic ✚ Reply