Sadsoul, you and I are thinking along the same lines. I think about
dying all the time. As a matter of fact, I have taken out a life insurance policy on me for my two kids (ages 19 and 22). I've told myself that if my situation doesn't get any better in two years, I am very likely to take drastic measures. Life insurance policies pay out after two years of coverage if the holder commits suicide.
However, I fight back those thoughts because I know my two sons will be devastated without me. I lost my mother when I was only 25 and her death has left a huge void in my life. I keep reminding myself not to cause my sons the same pain I have been dealing with for the last 15 years.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression all my life. I feel as though the only time I was ever truly happy in my life was when my sons were little. I also struggle with the fibromyalgia which prevents me from having any social interaction with anyone. I'm just way too tired and do not feel like having company. I had to quit attending college because my situation finally became too much for me.
I spend 90% of my time upstairs in my dark bedroom lying in bed and watching TV. I bet I've watched every program on the History Channel. I have nothing else to do. The fibro keeps me from being able to enjoy reading, which was a favorite past time. It seems the only time I enjoy listening to music anymore is when I'm feeling good on the Adderall. I've always been an introvert and have never been much of a social creature. I used to take so much delight in solitary pursuits but now I have lost all interest in anything anymore.
Luckily, I'm on Social Security and do not have to work. But at least when I worked and was out in public around people, it seemed my mood was better. However, the stress would get me down at times. Because of the darn fibromyalgia (sorry about the expletive), I would not have the strength or energy to hold down a job even if I wanted to. Either way, it just seems like a no-win situation all around.
Probably the biggest problem I deal with that contributes to my depression is loneliness. I am still an attractive lady even at 40, but I have not had a relationship, date, or anything else in over 4 years. At times I think I want to start dating and will talk to someone on the computer and make plans to go out. But then I will be so fatigued and overwhelmed with anxiety that I will not follow through. It's very complicated. At times I feel like I want someone in my life but I am just too tired to make the effort. Also, sometimes I'm very grouchy and do not want people around me. If I were to start a new relationship, I would never want to be around him except when I'm feeling good from my medication. Most of the time, I would alienate myself from him like I do everyone else and would probably tell him to just stay the heck away from me.
I have become a total recluse. My oldest son is away at college and my youngest son still lives at home with me. He's about the only person I ever see. Occasionally, I have contact with my sons' father and his family. We have stayed close even after all the years he and I have been apart. I have an ex-boyfriend that comes over occassionally to visit with me or my son. We've also stayed close. But there are times when I am very mean and hateful to him. He has ADHD and is very hyper and talkative. Because of this, he mentally exhausts me and makes me anxious feeling at times. Because I am usually so fatigued and not feeling well, I become very irritable and will yell at him to just leave because I'm too tired to have any company. I even go several days without answering my phone when people call. I have become totally reclusive and have withdrawn from the whole world. Living the way I do has made my life hell on Earth and that's why I constantly think about dying all the time. But somehow, I'll keep hanging in there and hopefully life will get better. It sure can't get any worse.