Where to start

So here is where I'm at.Been depressed since middle school(approx 15 years)but haven't went to any doctors(just don't like them plus they cost money).I have  2 times but thought about it several hundred more.I go through the motions of work everyday but take my mood out on the people I work with as well as the public I deal with,no longer caring if I get fired.The bad thing is all my co workers are my only and best friends and we are very close,I have been in a relationship with one for 3 years.The personal life is a little trickier.The person with whom I am dating has two kids,both teenagers.Neither one listens to anything I say and I constantly hear that I'm not there parent(I expected this).I have no kids of my own and treat them like they are mine,taking both a gunshot wound and knife across the throat trying to protect the daughter from ex-boyfriend.I am only 28 and would like to have kids but my other half can not have kids now.I love this person and their kids but feel like I am not part of the family.I constantly wish that one of the attacks on me would of killed me because I am miserable everyday.I have started to take my depression out on the kids by just being grouchy towards them and I hate myself for it.I think all day of why I feel this way and it makes me fell worse and more angry.I am hurting everyone around me because of it.What can I do.I have no money for doctors,can't talk to friends or loved ones because I am worried about what they would think of me and feel ashamed of my problems.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/11/2009 9:17:18 AM (GMT-6)

Welcome, BN. I hope you have realized that suicide is never the answer and that you deserve to live a fulfilling life. You sound like an extremely caring person. I'm sorry you feel frustrated in the family situation of your relationship. If having kids is something you want, I would really take into consideration that your partner doesn't share this desire with you. You may love this person, but the choice on whether or not to have children is a huge decision that couples should share. Trying to fit into this situation with the teenagers may or may not be what you are looking for at the young age of 28, and that is something you will have to decide. It sounds to me like you are trying hard to be there for this family, but in the end, it is a major part of what is causing you to feel grouchy and angry. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for making the best and healthiest decision for yourself.

It sounds like you are unable to afford to see a therapist for some counseling right now? Some therapists have a sliding scale payment plan for people with financial difficulties, so I would look into this. If seeing someone just really isn't an option for you, have you tried some deep breathing and meditation exercises? You can find very relaxing and cleansing meditations on the Internet. I've found that meditation helps clear my mind so that instead of cluttering my head with anxious thoughts and worries, rational thoughts and decisions come to me more naturally, and I feel so much more at peace with myself and in my surroundings. Here is a link to some guided meditations with audio! http://www.learningmeditation.com/room.htm

Keep the faith, and know that you deserve happiness.

"I hope you have realized that suicide is never the answer"yes I know that and it was in younger years when all this started.I will check out the web sites listed.Just seems that everyday I hate people around me more and more.Even the people I want to be around annoy the pis out of me and I am short with them which makes me feel was and more angry at myself.Things that I used to do that made me somewhat happy no longer work.I have tried new hobbies and those don't work and I usually get frustrated because I can't keep my mind on what I'm doing and make stupid mistakes.I can't wait for the day to end then I dread the next day will be just like today.

Blank Name

Hello and welcome to HealingWell.  I am so sorry to have to meet you under these circumstances.

Does the company you work for have any sort of Employee Assistance Program that you could use to get to see a counselor.  Also the CBT online is great but I would really like to see you  in one to one therapy.

Contacting your church is a good idea as often the clergy has access to  counseling they could refer you too.

I am concerned re your anger. Remember that anger is not wrong as it is a normal human emotion. We are born with the ability to feel anger.

There are times when we should get angry and stand up for our rights or the rights of others who cannot do it for themselves.

It is when this anger is not controlled that we get into trouble so please don’t let your anger consume you.

Stick with us and I did not get the impression you were gong to harm yourself  but that you would like to go to therapy, so I am glad you came to us.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Blank Name

I am glad you found us too as we do care for all and  religion is not a factor at all.  Each person has their own rights and beliefs so  please do keep posting and remember you are a good person who is going through a tough time.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

Ok, I guess it's time for an update,plus I need to vent some. I did read all the replies to my post and did get into doctor. They started me on either 10 or 15 mg Prozac. Really didn't have any good effects so they went to the 30mg dose along with group. I thinks things were getting better for awhile but then they seemed to get right back where they were. I stopped going to group and ran out of medicine and could not get back to doctor because of a new job that I could not get time off from. It was also at this time that I picked up a new habit that I have to this day. It was shortly after the begging of the new year that I found out that my girlfriend had been talking to another guy. I confronted her with this and she said that she had been talking to him for several months,said that I wasn't showing her the attention now that she needed and the other guy showed her attention. I moved out and went to stay at a friends house while I started yet another new job. While I was moved out my ex and I continued to talk and see each other. We worked out our problems(so I thought) and moved back home. I open myself up to her and started to give her the love and attention that she wanted and things were good. Then my work schedule changed and I began working around 15 hours a day. By the time I would get home I would have enough time to get a shower,grab something to eat then bed. The house started falling apart,cars started breaking down. I got to the point where I got to where I was worried about the time and attention I was getting to show my girlfriend. I began to worry about her finding someone else to spend time with,someone that would have time for her. It got to the point where when I would go to work I would make myself sick with worry and wonder. My girlfriend started to block me out and now has started to show me very little attention.I lost my job because of a fight with a co-worker so now I work part time making only 130 a week. My girlfriend is angry about that and disappointed because now I don't make enough money to help with bills around the house like I need to. I truly don't think I need to worry about her seeing someone else,but I worry about it to the point where I do make myself sick. Then I have the stress of not having a real job where I can make a future for us. I have told her how I feel about the lack of attention and she says that right now she don't know if she even wants a relationship. She said she is tired of feeling like she has to take care of everyone including me.Plus I think I'm being "clingy".Says that I should be the strong one in the relationship,so now I try to not talk to her about my feelings because it shows I'm not. I don't know if it's some sort of anixety or just part of depression. I know that if I don't change things then we aren't going to be together. I guess since I have the time that now would be a good chance to get back to the doctor. Question is do you guys think it will help with the felling that I need to be right by my girlfriend 24/7 even though I know that I don't and that it is not possible. I want to be able to go out and do stuff without her and I want her to be able to go out with friends with out me feeling like she is doing something behind my back even though I know she isn't. I know I need to kick my habit,get my depression back under control. Holy cow that's a long post,sorry been bad year.

Yeah I know it's not attractive. I try not to be that way but I can't control it. I know it is hurting the relationship thats why I'm asking about it on here and have already called today about getting back in to doctor.

Because like my girlfriend says I am looked to be the strong one. I was raised that life is what you make of it and if that's true then if I want to be happy,not depressed,clingy,and make myself sick with worry over stuff that I know I shouldn't,then I should be able to do it myself and not need the help of doctors or pills. Now I've also have my new habit(can't figure out how to say what it is with out violating rules,lets just say I don't feel a lot of pain)Which I said I would never do because my sister had a slightly worse habit that supported by ummmm lets just say a night job. Now I fell like a hipocritic(sp)

Blank name,

I am so glad that you have made a doctor's appointment. and by the way, thanks for following rules. But this is a good place to start. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and a doctor can help you wonderfully. Maybe he can hook you up with counseling, which is a good way to go. I think it will do you a lot of good. You sound like a good person and you deserve to be happy. Best wishes my friend, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen