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Posted 3/16/2009 2:12 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone my name is Dan. I am a 22-year-old senior in college, I am about to graduate in May.

Let me first start off by saying, I have a great life. I have never been abused or had tragedy befall me. While my family does has dysfunction (lots of fighting) it has never been abusive. My parents truly love me and have given me all that I could as for, and are currently helping me pay for college. I have a wonderful girlfriend who really cares about me. However, all of my life I have gone through certain phases where I just feel like life is too difficult for me. Recently I have barely been able to get out of bed. I skip whatever I can (things that won't get me fired or mess with graduation) and I seem to be cutting corners everywhere. In my social life I have either been distant or harsh and plain mean. Everything feels worthless to me and I am easily irritated, I can't bring myself to do the things that I need to do and that makes my anxiety and sadness worse. I have made some very bad decision in my personal life in the past, things that have hurt a lot of people, most had to do with me not being able to control my sexual desires and resulting in cheating on past girlfriends or stealing friends girlfriends. It caused me to lose a lot of respect for myself and I still struggle with it. The other night I laid in bed and thought of everything in my life I had ever done that had embarrassed myself or had hurt others. I could barely move I was overcome with sadness and wanted to vomit. I've been seeking escape everywhere I can, reading and video games mostly, trying to just lose myself in other worlds. I seem to be waiting for something to appear over the horizon that will be better but I logically know it will not come. I fear graduating and have yet to be able to find a job. I just want to be able to see worth in everything. My cynicism and disgust for my life has become a real problem, but another part of myself breathes in the spring air and loves it all so much. I hate feeling like I am out of control of my own life, I am letting my life fall down around me and destroying it from within because I cannot control my emotions. Tonight I just felt so alone in these types of feelings I had to share it. I don't know if I want advice or just to feel close to you all, but that is my story.

Thanks.
Posted 3/16/2009 2:28 AM (GMT 0)
Journal Dan: As I just read your post, I found myself thinking, "wow, I have very little in common with this person", but that is only because our backgrounds and circumstances are very different. What I relate to is that need to find worth in everything. I feel the same way. I long to find a meaning or purpose in my life, in my choices, in the things that happen and the relationships I have or have had. It is a challenge to put it all together and see any sort of 'big picture', especially when you are at a crossroad in your life, as it always is when you are about to graduate. You don't have to find "THE" job right now and expect to plan out your life in a major way....just try (as simplistic as this sounds) to take things one day and one step at a time, even if that means to get a job that is just okay for right now while you explore other options. I hope you will find a way to forgive yourself for your past choices, and perhaps even talk to someone about your feelings of depression and your fears about how to cope with this point of transition in your life. I'm really glad you posted here, and I hope you will come back.
Posted 3/16/2009 3:06 AM (GMT 0)
Raniah,

Thank you for your quick reply, its nice to sometimes have some instant gratification. It seems like we've been posting on a lot of the same topics, both depression and anxiety so we probably do have much more in common then you think. I agree that this crossroads is probably making my depression worse than usual, not only because of the fear of what lies ahead, but the regret of what has gone on in the past. I fear that I have not changed despite what I have learned and how I have been acting in the past few years, I worry that some kind of evil self-destructive part of me is still waiting to hurt me again. I also sometimes feel like because I am intelligent ( to an extent ) that I can see some of the things that are worthless that others don't yet I still have to deal with them despite my knowing this. It feels like an unfair burden and its hard for me to handle.

Raniah, I hope we continue to talk as I need a friend, and to anyone else reading this I hope you respond as well to my story.
Posted 3/16/2009 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
Journal Dan: I know, it does feel like an unfair burden. It's hard to face things that we have to handle when we feel that there is no meaning to it or no worth. I don't know about you, but sometimes I have found that the meaning or purpose can come after the fact.....after we have pursued something for a while, even if it turns out in a way that is different than we expect. And let's face it.....some situations don't end up being very worthwhile at all, except that they show us what is not good or important to us, and lead us to pursue something different. The important thing, I think, is that we keep doing something and moving on, and not give up on ourselves. I do believe we all have the capacity to change. It sounds to me like you really want that, and IMHO that is the first and most important step. Hang in there!
Posted 3/16/2009 6:39 AM (GMT 0)
Still waiting to meet more of you :-)
Posted 3/16/2009 1:25 PM (GMT 0)
First thing you need to deal with is is acceptance of the fact you cannot change the past. Forgive yourself for past happenings you cannot change them just accept you made mistakes FORGIVE YOURSELF. Be grateful for the good things in your life and try(I know how hard it is) not to dwell on the past. It really sounds like you have a great family and girlfriend(just don`t make same mistake) Try to look forward to a job and future. If there is none close to you to talk to keep posting here. I will try to help all I can. It hurts to hear one so young feel so hopeless about life.
Posted 3/16/2009 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
Jezzie,

Thank you so much for your kind post. It gives me hope just to think that I might make a friend like you.

I will try to follow your advice, I keep trying to forgive myself for the past but I just feel like my life is already tainted beyond help. Every memory I seem to have is ruined by a bad memory.

Today I woke up with sadness and anxiety. I wouldn't have gotten out of bed but I had to throw up, i'm not sure why. Now I am at work just dreading going to classes and stuggling through the day. I feel like if I could just be alone and stay in bed for a couple weeks I would be ok.

I find myself having nightmares about making mistakes and ruining my life and every morning its harder to wake up. Despite supposedly having friends and those to support me I just feel more alone each day.

I am so happy to have people to talk to her, I hope we continue to be in correspondence. I need you guys.
Posted 3/16/2009 3:07 PM (GMT 0)

Dear JournalDan

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.

I am so sorry you are feeling sad but I am wondering if you have every been to a physician to find out if you have depression. If not that may be a wise step for you as there are many different treatment modalities available and perhaps one will work for you.  Also is their a counselor or therapist at your school?

Support groups are a place for people to give and receive both emotional and practical support as well as to exchange information. People with health conditions, as well as their friends and families find support groups to be a valuable resource and get confirmation that their feelings are "normal", educate others, or just let off steam. IMHO joining a support group is joining a family.

Welcome to the HealingWell Family and I hope we can meet your needs.  Stick with us.

Kitt 


 

Posted 3/16/2009 3:17 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks StKitt,

Once upon a time I made an appointment with a counselor here at school, but I chickened out when the appointment came around, the reason was I just knew I would sit there and break down, I didn't think the school counselor would understand or be able to help me. I tried to talk to them over email, I felt more comfortable that way but they insisted I come in so I stopped speaking to them. My issues tend to fluctuate grately and i've even wondered if I have a form of bipolar disorder, manic depressive type stuff. I don't know. Today I am just living in fear of all the responsibilities I have to take on. I just want to sit here and talk to you all, leaving the house makes me want to cry.

Thanks for the support.
Posted 3/16/2009 10:36 PM (GMT 0)
After posting in your other thread I came back here and reread your posts again. First you know 2 weeks in bed would not help anything. You would lay there and eat away at yourself for all the things you are already beating yourself up for. At the end of 2 weeks things would only be worse. Missed school missed work missed daily life. Depression is a black hole and the deeper you crawl in the deeper it pulls you in. Do not be afraid to talk to a counselor face to face about this. It is very common. Some of this may be in fact as you said a fear of growing up. It is hard in the world now and a lot of the feelings you have a pretty normal fears. I can remember not wanting to be out of school cause that meant I had to officially become a grown up and go out and make my own life. That is a pretty big thing when you think about it deeply(and worry). But you also have to know it is the order of life and I`m sure you will make a great life for yourself.
Posted 3/16/2009 10:51 PM (GMT 0)

Dan,

You are not the only one who has cancelled therapy or Pdoc appointments.  I have just freaked at going more then once and just cancelled and one time I even had to pay $50.00 for not cancelling 24 hours in advance.

No beating yourself up, remember it is babysteps. One tiny step in front of the other. You will make it through. No one is left behind. :-)

I wish you peace.
Kitt

Posted 3/16/2009 10:59 PM (GMT 0)
JournalDan As Kitt said baby steps. Have read some of your various posts on other threads. I see a strength and wisdom in your words of support to others. Have faith in yourself! You CAN do this.
Posted 3/18/2009 6:25 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you everyone who posted her, I have been doing better in the past couple days, spring's arrival seems to have helped. Your kind words and the connection i've felt on these boards has been my strength lately and I've found myself able to take on life. Today I am a little stressed however, I have so much to do and no motivation to do anything. Any suggestions on how to deal with this kind of problem?
Posted 3/19/2009 1:06 AM (GMT 0)
JournalDan, I'm having the same problem right now.  I wish so much that I could suggest something for both our sakes.  I know my therapist would tell me that sometimes the motivation comes once the doing starts, but hey, there are days when I can't really convince myself that is true.  Let me rephrase that: knowing it in my mind, and feeling it in my heart can be two different things on a bad day.  For me I know lack of sleep lately is a factor.  Also, I have been let down by a friend recently, and so disappointed.  People can only give what they can give, but I'm forever getting my hopes up too high about people, it seems.  Maybe I am expecting others to fill the gaps in my life that I need to fill myself.  I don't know.  I go back and forth between choosing to isolate myself because it is so safe and comfortable, to reaching out because I feel lonely, only to be ultimately disappointed.  Sometimes I feel like a bottomless pit.....like there will never be enough love, no matter how much is given.  Sorry I can't be of help - I guess I am too depressed tonight.  I know I will have to get some work done tomorrow or things will get worse....perhaps that is the only motivation I have right now!  I hope your day turned out better.  You are right - these boards provide a lot of strength, and that is a very positive thing.
Posted 3/19/2009 1:33 AM (GMT 0)
JD and Raniah, Sorry to hear this. Is the weather pretty there? The sunshine usually helps me, but I can understand as Monday I was the same way as both of you. I am so looking forward to working in my yard and flowers. Is such good therapy for me as this site has been. Hope you both feel better soon.
Posted 3/19/2009 1:56 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks, Jezzie....that's so kind of you.  Yes, the weather has been pretty good here, and sunshine does help a lot.  Sometimes I forget how good it is until we have a very dark day, and then I really notice a difference.  I am looking foward to working in my yard soon, too.  I think it would be so therapeutic - thank you for bringing that to mind.  I'm at that point right now where I need to really make an effort to focus on good things....and I do mean effort (we all know how that is here, I am sure)....because it is oh-so-easy to get swallowed up by sadness and bleak thoughts.  I'm really glad you posted.  I hope you have a wonderful evening.
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