Shaishai: I’m so sorry to read this. It’s perfectly understandable why you are upset. I have had very similar issues with my family (I’m starting to wonder if we were separated at birth!) and I know how low it can make you feel about yourself.
A lot of us grow up with the belief that parents, and even siblings, should love us unconditionally…..that they may not understand or relate to certain aspects of our personalities or our choices, and yet they will love us and support us no matter what.
Sometimes that is not the case, and I know it really hurts and makes you feel alone…..and worst of all, it can make you doubt that you’re loveable or worthy of that kind of support. You ARE worthy, Shaishai, and now more than ever, you need to find a way to love yourself in a way that you are missing from your family. We can be our own enemies, for sure, but we can also be our own best friends. I’ll share a little of my own story with you here, in the hopes that it might help in some way…..
Many years ago, I ended up flunking out of law school because of my depression. My parents were devastated, and made it very clear to me how disappointed they were. In fact, I think a direct quote would be, “I don’t think we will ever get over this disappointment.” Those words haunted me for years, Shaishai, and I tortured myself over all the times I felt like I let them down. I thought of all the things I had attempted and (in my mind) had failed at, and it was a constant source of shame for me. There’s nothing like beating yourself up, over and over, to really destroy your self-esteem.
My mother passed away a few years after the law school incident, and since my father and I were never close, we drifted apart to a great extent. I think, in retrospect, that the distance is what I really needed to gain some perspective. I’m not saying you have to move far away from your parents, but perhaps be vigilant about how much time you spend talking to them for a while, and even more vigilant about standing up for yourself in how you allow them to speak to you. I have found, through a lot of practice, that it’s really not impossible to say, “Dad, you may not mean to upset me right now, but I find what you’re saying to be really insensitive, and I need to get off the phone now. I’ll speak with you another time.” Or, “Dad, I’m sorry if you feel disappointed about my choices, but they are MY choices, and I’m doing my best to live my own life.” I don’t know if he ever understands what I’m saying or why I’m saying it, but it’s made me feel better and stronger knowing that I don’t just have to sit there and take it!
As far as the comparison to your brother goes, believe me, I’ve got that one in spades, too. My brother has an extensive post-graduate education and a prestigious career, a healthy, loving marriage and a houseful of beautiful kids. So many of those things I have wanted for myself, and for a long time I allowed jealousy and regret to eat away at me. I still have a relationship with him, but again, have learned to limit my time with him and spread out my visits, in portions that are manageable for me. As far as the negative feelings go, I am trying to catch myself when I have those moments and change my focus to the things I enjoy about my own life (I know some days it is hard, but it really does help).
I have rambled on here, but I hope something that I’ve said will help you in some way, Shaishai. Your first responsibility is to yourself…..to support yourself and make yourself happy, no matter what your relatives think or say. You are a wonderful person in your own right, and you deserve to be treated as such. (((hugs)))
Raniah