Update

Hi guys, just thought I'd update you on what's happened since I last posted on here.

Thursday night was the real rock bottom point of what has been a very turbulent three and a half months in my life. I'd go as far as to say they have been the worst moments of my life so far.

I'm not going to go into too much detail as I don't want to be breaking site rules but I was literally at my lowest. At around 2am my girlfriend came on MSN and was being quite unreasonable. She'd said she wanted to remain friends with me and then decided to tell me what she really thought of me. In turn I told her what, in my angry and stressed mind, I thought of her - all completely untrue things. She turned round and said "you are scum". I can take being called that by people who do not know me but to come from someone who means so much to me it really hurt, not as much as the things I called her but it still hurt.

We argued for over three hours and I started to realise that she is the best thing to ever happen to me. She has stuck by me through all of this when any other girl would've walked straight away at the first sign of trouble. The fact that she did this from the other side of the world as she prepares to become a single mother is even more amazing. Despite everything I said she still stuck by me but said that she was never going to be disrespected like that again.

It was then that I decided to do something about what was going on in my life. I researched all my symptoms and diagnosed myself with acute depression. Then I told my parents that I was suffering with it, all the horrible things my girlfriend had been putting up with from me for the past three and a half months and how I wanted to get better for her. It is for her and this baby that I decided to make that first step.

I spend eight hours in a hospital yesterday. That was seven hours waiting and an hour being assessed by doctors. They won't give an official diagnosis just yet because they don't know the extent of it but they think it is moderate so they are starting me on a tablet to combat the depression and the anxiety attacks I have. They said it takes three weeks from when you start taking them for it to take effect and the first few days after that it will leave me with stomach cramps and feeling really cranky but if it gets me out of the mindset I have been in since the end of January then it's a small price to pay.

Long term I will be seeing counsellors and anger management specialists to ensure that the times I have flown off the handle and upset people, especially this girl, will never happen again and even if they do I will be able to keep it under control.

The one thing occupying my mind is that this girl won't stick around long enough to see me return to my old self or even to give me a chance to prove to her I am the same guy she fell in love with last year. I'll deal with that bridge when I come to it but the uncertainty over it is giving me severe anxiety which leads me to shake and feel nervy. It's a long process and I'm hoping that by the time the baby is born in September that she will see the real me again and still want me to be a part of her future. I owe it to her and this child to get better so I can make them both happy.

Anyway guys that's where I am up to right now. I've got a home health team visiting tomorrow afternoon so that will be some progress and I will be prescribed the tablets on Monday morning. Already I'm feeling better about myself for being able to take the initiative and want to change back to who I once was, if not better. The fight has been knocked out of me well and truly in these past few months but I am finding some strength to claw my way back and hopefully in January I will be telling you all about how I made it back from the brink of depression to complete happiness and spent a perfect Christmas with this girl and a newborn baby.

I will keep you posted as time progresses and I will be here to give my support to any members who are where I was on Thursday night.

Thank you for everything you have done for me since I have been here. You have been so understanding and I am unbelievably grateful for the help you have given me through this difficult part of my life.

Take care

Rich

Post Edited (Wasted-Potential) : 4/7/2009 1:19:50 PM (GMT-6)

Hi Rich,

Congratulations on your wonderful progress. Iknow that it is going to take some time for you to really feel better, but I see hope in your post. I am truly happy for you.

Hugs, Karen

Thanks guys. Again, I really appreciate all your support. You've all been fantastic.

The home health team are coming at 4pm UK time. Not sure what time that is where you are but I'll let you know what happens if there is anything set in stone. Can't see it happening there and then but you never know. As for my girlfriend, it doesn't seem like anyone can reason with her to be patient but I could be wrong.

I'm starting to get back into a sort of regular eating pattern. I was able to eat dinner tonight with no problems and was snacking throughout the day. Might not sound much but when you've been getting by on very little for the previous 10 days it's a slight improvement. I was also eating food from the hospital vending machines on Friday but it's not the same as having a proper sit-down meal.

The sleep thing shows no signs of getting on track just yet. After spending every night working at my desk until 3am I've decided that I'm going to take full advantage of the waiting game to college are playing by playing a few games of my own - video games. Used to play them in bed all the time before I fell asleep at night. That was before all this happened and I don't see what harm it'll do to go back to this relaxing routine. I can have early nights and get ups when I am back on my feet and having to drag my backside out of bed in the mornings for work so just going to make the most of the time I've got.

So it's a case of so far so good right now and I learned a valuable lesson from my football team earlier today too. They were playing in London and needed win to be in with a shot of the title. If they did win they would go top of the league for 24 hours before the previous leaders will inevitably win their game and overtake them again but it was the game itself that had added significance. Throughout the game Liverpool couldn't score for love nor money. Every effort on goal was either saved or kept out by the woodwork. It really looked like their luck was up and the dream was over. Late in the game, a player was brought off the bench. In the last few minutes of the game he scored the only goal of the game to give his team the points. It's a pretty common theme for last-minute heroics to occur but at this difficult stage I'm thinking about life as being exactly like a game of football - for 89 minutes it can feel hopeless and like all is lost but in one second it can all change and keep alive those dreams. This is probably going over your heads cos football's a very English concept but you get the idea.

Post Edited (Wasted-Potential) : 4/7/2009 1:48:42 PM (GMT-6)

Just another update guys.

The home visit team came out this afternoon and were really helpful over putting me in touch with anger management classes and stuff. They're going to be visiting every other day just to check how things are going in the early states. Only going to last a week or so but hopefully something will develop.

As for my girlfriend, I'm not so sure. She seems to expect a miracle cure overnight but I can understand her viewpoint because of what I have put her through.

I'd say the current state of play is two steps forward and one back so at least that's progress.

Will continue to keep you posted.

Rich

Post Edited (Wasted-Potential) : 4/7/2009 1:49:20 PM (GMT-6)

Rich, The first step to any solution is acknowledging that there is a problem, the second step is trying to figure out what the exact problem is, and the third step is figuring out how to address the problem. So to me, you have already taken the hardest steps -esp. when you've already told people (family) about the problem and involved the experts! Good deal! I wish you the best in your progress from here on out.

Rich

I'm so happy to see you posting positively! Even if you take 2 steps forward and one back, you're still going forward! Hang in there, and I hope to see more posts as things get even better for you!

Been on the tablets two days now and I had an embarrassing relapse. Last night red mist descended over something quite trivial on my girlfriend's facebook and I overreacted in a very big way. I'd go as far as to say that I was as horrible to her as I was on Thursday and I really thought that I would never go back down that road but now my girlfriend is hurt again, her friends all hate me and I think that last night was the final straw. I am now at one step forward and two back and desperate to put things right.

I had really frequent panic attacks this afternoon so was allowed another home visit today instead of going to the walk-in centre. They are just monitoring how things are going since I went to the hospital last week and how the tablets are affecting me. Asked again for them to put me in touch with anger management specialists which they said they will. Meant to be going down again on Thursday so hopefully they'll have some news for me then but I'm not expecting miracles overnight.

So that's the current state of play. Hard to say whether I've made progress, faltered or just stayed still.

Post Edited (Wasted-Potential) : 4/7/2009 1:57:34 PM (GMT-6)

They said that all but one of my symptoms are side effects from the tablets. They didn't say what the anxiety bit was based on but I've got my suspicions that it's my subconscious mind thinking over how I hurt my girlfriend again. It's actually happening now as I type this. I'm all for being patient but I am desperate to make things up to my girlfriend. I didn't sleep at all last night because of what happened and I want to put right something which was my doing. Problem is that after the amount of unbelievably horrible things I've said to her I'm scared in case she does decide that this is it. Everyone has their limits which is the one thing that's preoccupying my thoughts right now. Guess I'll just have to see how it goes.

Hi Raniah

Don't worry about putting me on the spot at all as I'm more than comfortable to talk about it in detail. Basically what's happened is that during my depression things have triggered me off and I have just let fly verbally on my girlfriend. She has had a difficult time in the past which I won't divulge as she trusted me with that information. Basically every time something would happen I would turn around and be nasty to her and bring her past up. There was a guy sniffing around and her friend seemed to be encouraging it because she didn't think we were serious which led to all sorts of problems from my side of things. It was her decision that it wasn't going to work on Saturday because it was taking time for her to get over what I'd said on Thursday and understandably so. The problem was that I misinterpreted this as her jumping ship. My mum spoke to her on MSN and then she said she'd think and pray for a few days. On Sunday night she sent me two messages saying how she was here for the long haul.

Last night I messed all that up cos she was going somewhere with the guy who had tried to make a move and a few friends. I completely overreacted to the fact that he was on her facebook and that they were carrying on like nothing had happened even though she'd told him that she was serious about me and they'd agreed to be strictly friends. Red mist descended again and I just flew off the handle again with the same things that I'd thrown in her face in the past. I really hurt her and I am going to make it up to her every day when I'm well on the road to recovery. The problem is now that all her friends think I am nothing but trouble and a nasty piece of work. They think that the depressed, moody and aggressive person I have been showing is the person I really am. It's not and I will show them what this girl means to me even if I run myself into the ground doing so. I've hurt her too many times and I thought that Thursday would be the last time. One thing I need to learn to do is let the past go. I am doing that now because I do not want to restrict her in the relationship or control her in any way.

So basically that's what's happened.

I have to be honest Raniah, at this moment in time I think I am a pathetic excuse for a man. No other self-respecting person would put their girlfriend through that so why did I? I refuse to hide behind any excuses about being depressed because that's just shouldering the blame.

Just another update for you all.

I've just come back from the health centre and they've put me in touch with some local services which specialise in anger management and counselling. The person who saw me today said that he could see a visible improvement from last week but I'm really not so sure. I refuse to believe that things can progress this quickly over such a short space of time. This has been boiling under since the end of January and has all come to a head in the past month. No one can tell me that this is how fast someone recovers from it and I don't think I'm anywhere near that stage right now. In a few weeks, possibly months at a push, maybe but not now.

Not sure what the situation is with my girlfriend. Things feel a bit more normal than previously but the fact that I've hurt her so much does occupy my thoughts a lot, especially that I'm powerless to do anything to repair the damage from the other side of the Atlantic.

I don't think it was a therapist. Not sure what the official job title of the person was. I presume it was a mental health assessor or something.

Unfortunately I won't accept that I am improving until I am off the tablets and my case is closed.

Post Edited (Wasted-Potential) : 4/9/2009 12:28:01 PM (GMT-6)

Hi Rich,

Try to take it easy on yourself and keep an open mind about your healing process. Personally, I think that process is a lifelong thing. I am not saying that to discourage you, but rather to help you see that there is no schedule to this or correct pace, and no rush to the finish line. As we move forward, we change, our circumstances change, and the people around us change, and we learn and grow with all of those changes. It is an ongoing process. You WILL get better, and feel more at peace with yourself, and find new ways to deal with things....and as you go through all the changes, you will develop a better understanding of who you are and how to best handle yourself in all situations. Try to give the mental health professionals some benefit of the doubt for now, and remember that sometimes others can see us more objectively than we can see ourselves, especially when we are suffering in some way. I think you are doing a wonderful thing for yourself, and I am so very happy that you are keeping us updated. I hope you will keep posting, and I look forward to hearing anything and everything that you have to tell. Best wishes to you.