New Member, need support

Hello, I'm Blessing Waters. I've been posting a bit on the bi-polar forum, but a pdoc recently told me I'm not bi-polar. It's a complicated mess that I won't go into, just stick to the critical facts. Iam definitely depressed and this is at least my third major depressive episode. I'm 53 years old, a survivor of sexual abuse and have been at the very least dysthymic since I was a young teen. I also have Post Truamatic Stress Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder) but that's just to round out the picture. It's the deporession that is my major issue. I had to leave my psychiatrist of 7 years back in June (for very good reason, won't elaborate) and it was a servious decision because even though I live in a large city, we have very few pdocs taking new patients and the ones that are may not want me because of my "complicated" presentation. I saw a pdoc for the first time 7 years ago and it took several years of trial and error to finally settle on Nardil (an MAOI) as the best drug that helped me fight depression. It wasn't a remission, but it was much better. Now, it's stopped working and my family doc is having a very hard time finding me a new pdoc. Thus, I'm just suffering, as if I wasn't on anything at all. I've been seriously depressed since the beginning of August, often wanting to die. I can't commit suicide so there's no need to dwell there. My family doc won't touch either of these drugs, both are tricky. He's put in a referral that I pray will be successful. I have no idea when i might hear if I can get in for an assessment. Ihis isn't even why I'm posting tonight, actually, it was just background.

I've been seeing a psychologist for the last ten years and I really need to maintain our relationship. She's been through a lot with me and I am eternally grateful. She's extended herself many times to provide very needed support. She's been pretty hard on me though, the last few months, challenging me to fight my overwhelming feelings. I asked her last week about her thoughts on depression in general and found out that she really doesn't see depression as having a primarily biochemical origin. I know very well what the Mental Health Association here says about depression, that it's as much of a physical illness as diabetes and that those of us afflicted should not be held responsible for our inability to overcome our black moods. I would never suggest we just give up and I do whatever I can to cope, stay safe, and do things that help create meaning in my life. However, I am overwhelmed, having an anxiety attack right now just writing this, and don't know how to deal with this horrible situation. We've ended up in a power struggle - she trying to challenge me to take charge of my life and me trying to ask her to back off because i'm doing the best I can.

I know that a lot of you will probably want to ask me why I stay with her, but I just losy my psychiatrist and I have reason to believe my family doc (who is fantastic) is leaving his practice, it would definitely not be okay to stop seeing my psychologist. My support system is very small - two grown-up daughters who don't want/need Mom to be scary-sick, and two friends who also have mentall illnesses. I need to respect their limits. I have a mother who I truly wish was not in my life and 6 brothers I have denied being in my life (the sexual abuse). There's more that I just won't talk about, too much for all of us. Any ideas on what to say to my psychologist to help us find some middle ground where we can both feel heard? She doesn't think I'm listening to her and vice versa. I cannot lose her, not right now, preferably not until I feel healed. I believe this is an opportunity for us both to grow, but we've got to get past this hurdle. Any new perspectives will be appreciated.

Welcome to our forum Blessing! This is beyond the shadow of a doubt the most wonderful group of people that you will find on any forum.

 

Your life unfortunately mirrors most of us the good part of that we are in the same boat and can relate to each other with compassion and true understanding.

 

Again welcome.

Thank you all so much, as I really feel terrible conflicted, sad, scared. My depression has gotten so bad I can hardly get out of bed, I'm so tired and don't feel a reason I even should get up. A good piece of news, my family doc is not leaving. The new position I overheard someone congratulate him about is not a new job, but a teaching position at the university. He will only be out of the office one day per week. I am very relieved. Unfortunately, he's somewhat put out with me at the moment and has good reason, but I won't get into that right now. So I've got that fence to mend as well as with my psychologist. I see her in two days and still very anxious about our last session. I wrote her a long letter (she's fine with this), trying to explain my feelings and trying not to be critical. Now, of course, I'm scared that what I wrote won't come out the way I intended and I will have caused more problems than I tried to solve. I think what I've decided is to be very agreeable, even passive when i meet with her and just see what she has to say. This is not like me, as I've always been very honest with her when I feel misunderstood, but honestly, I'm so afraid to lose her. I've also thought a lot about the irritability that can be part of depression, and I'm not usually, but maybe I've been less careful about how I've worded things, or not even realizing I'm being reactive. I'm used to her being tough with me, but she told me that if something didn't change, people were going to start leaving me. That was scary and hurtful and I feel like she could be right that my best friend who is so supportive and understanding, will just be overwhelmed by my tears and fears and by being so self-focued. I try very hard to make sure I listen to her, as well, but maybe I'm not doing a good enough job of that. I'm so mixed up. When I try to pretend I'm doing better than I am, it makes things worse when I get home, alone. That's what happened Christmas Eve, I put on my best happy face and Christmas I could not get out of bed until 6 in the evening. I've never been so low I couldn't manage doing something meaningful every day. I know I am very ill, but until I can get in to see a psychiatrist, I have to manage somehow. You people help. I know I do not suffer alone, wish you didn't, but having people that really understand the hopelessness is comforting. Thanks.
Blessing Waters

Hi Blessing,

I really love the name that you picked out. I think that you have better times coming. And I am sure that you worded the letter to your psychologist just fine. You are very good at expressing yourself here. You sound very smart and I know that you are on your way to healing.

As Shy said, people who don't get depressed have a hard time understanding people like us. Maybe you could explain how you feel, unless you want to keep putting on that happy face, which kind of gives us a break from the sadness.

Remember that this is the hardest time of the year right now, with the holidays behind us. It gets kind of blah. Our weather has been cloudy and that makes it even harder for me. But I think coming here is good for all of us. It helps to take the edge off so to speak.

Keep posting, we are here for you,

Luv and Hugs,

Karen

I'm having a lot of anxiety tonight thinking about my appointment with my psychologist tomorrow, worrying about how she will react to my letter and wondering about a letter sent to her by a psychiatrist I was able to see a few weeks ago, just for a medication check. However, he has some things to say about my therapist and I doing trauma work, looking at my past to try and shake loose the memories of abuse that I still have amnesia for. He told me I definitely should not be doing this right now because I am in crisis and it's not safe. My therapist agrees, but I've been pushing ahead because it's been ten long years of this and the more I remember the worse it gets. There's no forum here for Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personality disorder) and while my depression is a primary problem, my alter personalities are hostile to me and are creating many problems. It's so complicated. I had a better day today and had coffee with my best friend and business partner. We give seminars about childhood sexual abuse and Dissociative Personality Disorder, as well as writing a book about childhood sexual abuse. That was good, but I've had to tell her I can't do seminars anymore because I can't trust my alters to "behave" and I get very embarrassed when they act silly in front of strangers. It's the teens that do that. So right now I feel numb, but also kind of unreal. I know this is temporary. I might not appear depressed in this moment, but that doesn't mean that I'll continue to be okay. Some think this bipolar rapid cycling, some think it's alters, some think is the very common switching between emotionality and numbing out that is characteristic of post traumatic stress disorder. I can't sort this all out, I just feel like a puppet on strings with my joints all loose and wobbly. Pull me here, pull me there, I never know what will be next. I honestly don't believe that I will heal from all this. I have many, many alters and my friend says I may switch as many as 10 times in a single afternoon. I don't tell my therapist this and i do my healing work, because I guess to to act hopeful even when I don't feel it. Otherwise, I'd just have to give up on my life completely. I have two daughters, their wonderful husbands and three very precious grandchildren, and friends who want me to stick around. I personally do not think there is anything better on earth than being a grandmother (I'm Nana). I was a kindergarten teacher before I got too sick to teach and I will never be able to return to teaching, so having grandchildren lets me do what I love most, be with children, play, teach and thrive on their innocence and wisdom. After 8 years, I still think of my kids, still mourn that loss very deeply.
about my name...it was actually given to me in a dream by a native Elder in a ceremony. I don't know exactly what it means, but i'd like to think that I can at least sometimes, send blessings to others, hope that it flows to others, through my good intentions, as water flows, washes over and cleanses. It is a gift I hope I use well, to show my gratitude for being given it. I believe the reason that i find others who have a mental illness to be so safe, is that no matter our backgrounds, we understand suffering and even when we struggle to help ourselvers, it is often easier to offer support to others. We care, deeply. I feel better about myserlf when I can offer even the smallest kindness to another person. When I feel ugly, nasty, hating myself, and i can open a door for someone, or just smile at a stranger, at least I've shown some part of myself that recognizes good. Theres more and more books comeing out about politeness and kindness and for me, this has become something that nurtures my spirit. Some people call them random acts of kindness and that's wonderful. I call them little pieces of light, little things that brighten someone's day. You people do that here for me and everyone you respond to, offer your own light that wants to help the healing. It blesses me and it blesses you, too. This is a little poem started this whole "kindness" thing for me. It's a little religious, but it's the meaning that truly counts, so I'll leave this with you:
Have you had a kindness shown?
Pass it on' 'Twas not done for thee alone,
Pass it on;
Let it travel down the years,
Let it wipe another's tears,
Till in heaven the deed appears,
Pass it on.

Blessing Waters

Hi There,

I know there is no forum for DID but I am a 3rd year psychology student so I should be able to help to a degree. Since disorders such as Depression and Anxiety co-occur with DID, anti-depressant/anxiety meds can be used to control those symptoms but they have little effect on the DID itself. The general aim of treatment for DID is to allow the person to let go of the 'trigger' (I dont know what else to call it) that is splitting their personality and a lot of people use psycho-analysis for this. In your case it would be about dealing with the abuse that you suffered (presumably as a child). There is another idea that people use... hypnosis. People can be hypnotised (by a FULLY QUALIFIED clinical hypnotherapist) and taken back to their childhood using a technique called 'age-regression'. Unfortunately, since DID is quite rare... there is little evidence to say what form of treatment works and what doesnt. All I can suggest is that dealing with the abuse is the way forward, but dont try to run before you can walk.

Darren

Hi, I also am recovering from DID. I understand what you are going through because I have been there. I had a hard time finding support as well. I have been working hard at the issues that led to my dissociative disorder and have recently had my final integration only to be left frighterned and uncertain. I too need support and was hoping to find someone to talk to about the journey. I was truly blessed to find you!

Hello pastoram

Welcome to HealingWell and I am happy to see you have found us.

Blessing Waters last posted in February of 2008.  I think it would help you to start a new thread of your own re DID and you will find the support you need.  So please do feel comfortable in starting your own special thread.

I hope we are able to meet your needs as this is one awesome group of people who know where your coming from and what your going through.

Again a warm welcome,

Kitt