Could use some opinions from depression sufferers

Hi,

My depressed boyfriend ended our relationship six months ago and I have been trying to learn all I can about depression.  I have learned so much but sometimes when I tell people things they look at me like I am looney tunes so I thought maybe I could ask some questions and maybe show some people them. There are some questions that I have been wondering about myself too. I would appreciate any feedback that I can get.

1.  Why do people with depression often isolate and push away the people that they love?

2.  While isolating does it ever feel impossible to make contact with someone you love even though maybe you would like to?

3.  Have you ever knew that you loved your significant other but couln't feel it and if so what did that feel like?  Have you ever ended a relationship suddenly saying that you were not in love with the person and if so did you ever regret it? 

4.  How can people with depression not seem depressed to some friends and family members but yet the significant other knows they are?

5.  When a depressed person ends a relationship is it best to have an occasional contact to encourage that person or is it best to leave them totally alone?  And if it is ok to contact them how often?

6.  What advise would you give a person with depression?

7.  Are any of you in recovery - like AA or NA and if so do you have any advise on how to separate what is depression from living life without drugs?

8.  Do you think this post should be shown to the depressed person or to any family members of the depressed person?

 

Hi there,

These are my answers too your questions, though I cannot say they are right answers. These are what my experiance has taught me-though I'm often not the best learner, so I may be wrong.

1.  Why do people with depression often isolate and push away the people that they love?

In my experiance - because they don't want to hurt the other person. Because they need space. And, because they just need time to think without interruptions.

2.  While isolating does it ever feel impossible to make contact with someone you love even though maybe you would like to?

When I need to be alone, or just need some space I actually can't stand my husband being too close too me. It hurts me that I need to be like that, because normally I'm so lovable. But it's just an unescapable feeling that I have too be alone for now and if that's not possible I just end up resenting myself for needing that alone time. I can sometimes need to be alone for days at a time.

3.  Have you ever knew that you loved your significant other but couln't feel it and if so what did that feel like?  Have you ever ended a relationship suddenly saying that you were not in love with the person and if so did you ever regret it? 

I always know I love Paul, even when he's annoying the life out of me, I love him too pieces. However that has not stopped me trying to run away 3 times. I packed my bags but then luckily he kept chasing me, because once I'd calmed down I knew I was wrong.

4.  How can people with depression not seem depressed to some friends and family members but yet the significant other knows they are?

I put up a mask, a front, something so noone knows I'm feeling in anyway down. The only person who can actually see through this at first glance is my psychiatrist. I can fool everyone else into thinking I'm ok, even my husband. Superficial smiles can go a long way I think.

5.  When a depressed person ends a relationship is it best to have an occasional contact to encourage that person or is it best to leave them totally alone?  And if it is ok to contact them how often?

I honestly don't know this. When I ran away, I ran too my husbands family. So they were passing messages on from him. I don't know how different it would be if Paul had done the trying to talk to me bit.

6.  What advise would you give a person with depression?

Try to remember that it is depression making you upset, and that it's not the fault of everyone else.

7.  Are any of you in recovery - like AA or NA and if so do you have any advise on how to separate what is depression from living life without drugs?

Sorry, never had a problem with drugs. Can't help here.

8.  Do you think this post should be shown to the depressed person or to any family members of the depressed person?

I don't know, as I don't know how much it would help.

Please take a look at our resources and the many books available is learning how to understand depression.

http://www.wellnessbooks.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?Operation=ItemSearch&SearchIndex=Books&templates=depression&Keywords=Mental+Depression

Hi. I suffered from severe depression for over four years. Have been better now for about 6 months.

1. Why do people with depression often isolate and push away the people that they love?
It is a symptom. The person who cares about you is buried deep inside, unable to reach out. Your question is like asking "Why do people with broken legs stop running marathons?" The part of the brain that cares and loves is dead.
2. While isolating does it ever feel impossible to make contact with someone you love even though maybe you would like to?
Absolutely. Part of me knew that my mind wasn't right, so I just kept my mouth shut.
3. Have you ever knew that you loved your significant other but couln't feel it and if so what did that feel like?
Yes. It feels like being in hell.
Have you ever ended a relationship suddenly saying that you were not in love with the person and if so did you ever regret it?
Luckily, my wife and I made it through. It was very tough on everyone. I did a lot of things when depressed that I regret now. I am not sure regret is an emotion one can feel while severely depressed.
4. How can people with depression not seem depressed to some friends and family members but yet the significant other knows they are?
Good question. I am amazed that no one knew that I was suicidal. I thought it was written on my face. I thought everyone understood how miserable I really was, and maybe just avoided the subject to keep from making things worse. I can't believe how well I fooled some people. To this day my wife and my Psychologist are the only ones who really know how bad it was.
5. When a depressed person ends a relationship is it best to have an occasional contact to encourage that person or is it best to leave them totally alone? And if it is ok to contact them how often?
I don't know the answer to this one. I know that depression has destroyed many, many relationships. IMO, staying in touch could certainly do no harm.
6. What advise would you give a person with depression?
A. Try to make decisions as if you were still rational.
B. Go to a Psychiatrist or Psychologist specializing in Depression, and be COMPLETELY honest with them.
C. Don't give up.
7. Are any of you in recovery - like AA or NA and if so do you have any advise on how to separate what is depression from living life without drugs?
Most likely the drug use was self-medication. This is why I would recommend seeing a Depression specialist. Helping someone address the addiction may be well-meaning, but may be concentrating on the wrong disease. My focusing on Alcohol as the problem meant that I did not start treating the Depression until further on, when the Depression had become much, much worse. I have read that treating Depression earlier significantly improves the odds of remission.
8. Do you think this post should be shown to the depressed person or to any family members of the depressed person?
Yes. Also I would recommend that any and all of you read a book called Shoot The darn Dog: A Memoir of Depression. Very revealing and honest book from the Depressive's point of view.
I hope this helps some. I wish I could stop your pain.

Hi

Depressed people tend to blame the people and situation around them for their pain.  We believe too often that the outside world is creating the problem.  The inside world... our thoughts and more so our brain chemistry is not seen as the source of the pain.   If it's the outside world we may have some control to fix it.   If its the inside world we are ill and have little control.  

Best Wishes,

J C