family stressing me

I am a 20 year old girl who despises her family. I have never been able to connect with them or even have a basic conversation with them about anything. I mean NEVER. The most we talk about is how is school, the amount for tuition and when school begins. Thats it. Last summer i tried suicide which landed me in the hospital and this summer i am thinking about it again. I have had suicidal thoughts since i was probably 9. I was sexually abused for a long time by a family "friend"'s son. This happened when i was 9 and didn't stop until i was probably 12. I was just able to tell my parents about it last summer and the stress that came with it got too much for me. It kinda just died away. I have my final year in University coming up and my life is hell. My parents do not understand me, they don't accept that i have different beliefs from them. They are strict adventist and there are lots of things they don't do. I have never agreed with the lifestyle. Today i told my dad i am going to pierce my ears which i have always wanted to do and he told me i cant because i am still living with them and until i become independent i have to do as they say! I am 20! How the hell can you restrict someone you don;t even have a relationship with. They support me financially but that is as far as our relationship goes. I hate them. I feel imprisoned and smothered. It;s like i am dying. Plus i am going through a really bad breakup with a guy i dated for 1 and half year. he is the only one who understands me and the only one who knows exactly how i feel about my family. now he's not there and it's killing me. I feel so alone and caged. I want to be free. My life is awful. No one even knows i am suffering because i cant talk to them. they kow nothing about my life.



I edited your post to bring it in line with rule #1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted. --serafena

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 6/4/2009 9:12:24 AM (GMT-6)

Jamiee i am trying to be okay. I don't sleep. i have spent the last 24 hrs in tears . all of this is overwhelming.

Hi Kalli-Nikki, Please....if you are still thinking of doing something to yourself....please call a suicide hotline or visit the hospital and talk to someone there.....you are going through a lot, and you need to take care of yourself and get some help with this. There are lots of people here who understand what it's like to have that deep depression, and sometimes we can't do it alone....there is help out there, so don't be afraid to reach out for it. (((hugs)))

Hi Kali-Nikki, I'm glad you are not trying to hurt yourself. Thank goodness. Prayer has been really helpful to me in my darkest times, and I hope it will be for you, too. I really value independence and making my own choices, too, so I can relate to what you are saying here. I'm sorry the counseling didn't work for you last summer, and I hope you will try to find someone else if you can. It took me a few tries to find the right person, but now I have a really good therapist, and she has been a real lifesaver for me. Please don't give up hope.....we're here for you, and it's really good to come here and talk about it.

nikki, my thoughts and prayers are with you. i too have been where you are at, and some. it is a dark place, u need to fight, and hard. do not give in, your recovery has begun with your first post. i admire your courage, and i understand the sequale of abuse you endured, it happened to me also. keep reaching out, i am always around, stay safe, we care about you, we all here understand about depression, about the darkness, and we know about the endurance and constant battles, best of all we know that with time, with help and never giving up we do get through it to manage it better. so keep fightin' take care, jamie.

Nikki,

I want to first make sure you are safe.  We are all concerned about you.  Is there anywhere safe you can go? 
I am not sure where you are at but since you said university  (it might help if you told us which country you are in) this is for UK:
http://www.siari.co.uk/Helplines/Helplines+UK+Hotlines+USA.htm

We also want to get you interacting with people outside your family.  Have you thought about summer school?  Or working?

I have to admit I think some sort of personal counseling will help, but I think it absolutely has to be with the right counselor. 

Obviously, the old one was not a good one for you, and it might take several to find one who feels like they fit to you.  Please do not give up on it, it is hard to get out of the family patterns and memories without it.

You are not asking for anything that is unreasonable.  You want a sense of self efficacy.  You are on your way to getting it, and you even know the path to get there.

I wish your relationships could be more supportive, but I think you are realizing that sometimes you have to give yourself the support, that the people who should be giving it.  I am so sorry that the boyfriend did not work out, but you know you have the strength to do this on your own.  After all you are getting out of 20 years of the family indoctrination, and you are getting out to be successful.  That is a good thing and that takes a heck of alot of strength.

This is a temporary problem (and you even have a path out it is just going to take a bit), and after next year you never have talk to them again.

Please try to find someone to help you deal with the loss you are enduring and the lack of family understanding and support you are feeling, because we physically cannot be there with you, and I would really like to have you have someone who is physically there.   In the meantime please keep talking with us.

Navy

Nikki,
We just really want you to be safe and perhaps if you could get out of the house (even if it is to hospital) I really think it will help you get thru this time.
Hugs,
Navy

Hey guys. Thank you so much for the support and encouragement. You have no idea how much it means to me. I went out of the house today and it did me good although before i left my mother started going off and tried to start an argument which i just ignored. I spent the day with friends chatting and catching up. MMMNavy i am in the Caribbean. I just got home and its just like back to prison to be emotionally & mentally raped!

Thank you ivy and everyone. it means alot to me. talking with you guys keeps my mind occupied.

keep fightin' you are on the right track, well done on getting out with friends. luv jamie.

kitt, i have a few intersting ones, one is playing air guitar with my stick, i am the lead guitarist, i see myself in a rockin' metal band, usually the band that is playing, i play air guitar with my cane till my arms hurt, and until i am tired, and usually go again, matter of fact i am going to now, seen my lady tonight, the nasty carer came back, to put it nicely she was very rude, and made it very uncomfortable for my lady and i. oh well, soon she will be gone, can't wait 4 that. definately in the wrong business!! i am not giving up, and never will, frankly she is jealous of us. why, do not really care. i luv my lady as she i, nothing can and or will break this. jamie

p.s. rock on!