Update

Hi Wasted,

Try not to be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and can be forgiven. But I think that the hardest thing is to forgive ourselves.

Try to remember that we are always here for you. I hope that you can forgive yourself and move forward.

Best wishes for a better day today.

Hugs, Karen

Hi guys,

Just thought I'd update you on things since I have not been on for a while which I had a good reason for.

I actually collapsed in the street on Easter Saturday with exhaustion and was tested in a local hospital for everything from diabetes to epilepsy. I was taken off the anti-depressants whilst I was in there as well due to the doctors who had prescribed me it believing that I was not clinically depressed so there was no need for it.

It's a positive in a manner of speaking but the fact that I lost 12 days out of my life in hospital at an important time where I needed to be proactive through circumstance rather than personal choice. One of the hardest things was being holed up on a hospital ward on both Easter Sunday whilst my family were at home. They visited me on the ward but it wasn't the same. The other thing that really hit me hard was being stick on the ward for the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster. I have been going to the commemoration for the past 6 years and this was the first time I had missed it. It really hurt a lot that this important day where I come together with fellow supporters and campaigners was taken away from me by people who didn't understand the significance of it. I'm not talking about the doctors by the way.

So I've been found to not possess any signs of mental or long-term illness. The exhaustion still kicks in but it's mostly around 9/10pm rather than 9.30am like it was on Easter Saturday. I'm currently bed-bound with bronchitis which I picked up on the ward so it's going to be at least a few weeks before I'm able to do anything for my future because at present I can't really do much without violently coughing up my lungs.

Just thought I'd update you on how things were going.

Speak soon

Hi guys, just giving you another update but not a positive one unfortunately.

Things seemed to be getting back on track. I was on good terms with my ex which was nice as I do consider her to be a friend. Life in general was ok until it came to the issue of my suspension from college. I found out that my family have been withholding information from me about this. According to them, the college contacted them when I was in hospital and said that their admin department had said that I had left the course of my own free will and as far as they were concerned, the matter was closed.

So now I am jobless, penniless and in debt because they won't even give me a partial refund. I also put a claim in for incapacity benefit after my doctor gave me a sicknote and my parents have decided that they are going to take every penny claiming it is for lodgings and the repayment of the tuition fees they lent me the money for. So I'll have no money whatsoever until the £2,000 plus I had to borrow is paid off. Apparently the money I get for my 22nd birthday next month will also have to go towards this because according to them it was my decision to do the course and my own fault to get suspended.

Yesterday afternoon I had a relapse and went into self-destruct mode again; I gave up on writing altogether and told the websites I contributed to that I wouldn't be coming back and then set about destroying my own possessions from clothes to football memorabilia. I really didn't care and I still don't. People treat me like        doormat. My whole life is a mess from my career right down to my health. Why did I even bother trying to make something of my life? I should’ve stayed where I was three years ago, on the dole. At least there I had a regular income and nobody trying to     as I tried to better myself. I saw myself in the mirror yesterday and felt physically repulsed at what I saw. I had to duck down to even see my own face and I hated what was looking back at me. A big-eared, pointy-nosed excuse for a human being with no job, no career, no future, nothing. All I have ever wanted is to be treated like a normal human being; to be accepted for who I was and treated no differently than anyone else. I don’t want to have a section next to my name, I don't want to be 6 foot 7, I don't want to be who I am. I don’t want to be the one that was snarled at in the ground and slagged off at the match. I don't want to be ridiculed and sarcastically asked ‘how tall are you?’ when I am in the street. I don’t want to be an assault target every time I go to town with my friends. I just want to be normal. My parents and sister are normal. My friends are normal. My ex is normal. Why the    aren’t I?

The local health service sent out a GP to come see me. He was some double-barrelled gobcrape who sounded like he had plums in his mouth and a silver spoon     . He said that he understood how ‘rotten’ I was feeling. Oh does he really? Why do people say that when they really don’t know the first thing about what someone is going through? He offered to prescribe a sedative but I declined because I knew that nothing could help my situation now. ‘There is help out there Rich believe me’ he said.    Mr Cholmondley-Warner. Get back to your Cheshire mansion and the bliss of ignorance. You know NOTHING about my life or what I have to put up with so don't pretend you do.

I have long accepted that I am a freak in all but name, yet I have tried to delude myself by thinking that I could have anything resembling a normal life like the ones my friends and family live day-to-day. Thinking realistically about it, how can I? I'm 6 foot 7 in height with ears that even Dumbo would be ashamed of, no job, no career, no money, nothing. Everything good I ever had going for me has been   by someone who didn’t want me to be happy; whether it be people at the match, that    in college, even my own family. I feel like I was only put on earth to be ridiculed and   over in order to make people feel better knowing that no matter how crapty things were for them, there was always someone they could take it out on. This isn’t a life at all. This is a pathetic excuse for an existence.

So that brings you up to speed guys. It's not looking good and, in all honesty, nothing has changed at all since April. I'm still   and it's going to take a miracle to fix my problems. Either that or a lottery win so I can live a reclusive life without stirring parents and people in authority sticking their noses in.

Sorry for the edit, Rich....forum rules.  See my post to you below.

Post Edited By Moderator (Raniah) : 6/22/2009 9:16:40 AM (GMT-6)

Hi Rich,

This is Karen. I want to reinforce what Raniah has said. She is such a wise person. and so compassionate.

Try not to focus on your physical appearance and think about the people that have serious defects. At least you have two arms and legs that work. You are not blind or deaf. You are able to walk and think. I am also quite tall. I tower over most of my friends. But they don't look down on me for that. Well they couldn't lol... But I have gotten use to it. There are many people taller than I am, but I use to be really self conscious about it. You are a human being with feelings, I know sometimes it hurts, but you will be fine. But I know how it feels. Everybody at work has me reach for things that they can't reach. So I guess there are plusses, and minuses.

Just remember that you are a human being worthy of love and kindness. You are healthy. And remember that you have abilities that others don't have. That is the way that I look at it.

I am sorry about your school situation. I think that the doctor's note should be sufficient. But maybe I am wrong. I would fight that if I were you. You should be able to continue in school.

Things often go wrong, but they will right themselves. Things will work out for you. Just keep faith. And hope. And remember that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen

Is there any way that you could move out? Maybe that would solve a lot of your problems. At least you would feel like your own person.

You wouldn't feel so manipulated for somebody elses benefit.

Maybe there is some housing program that would help you to get out on your own.

Karen

Here's an update for you guys - I've given up. I really don't care now. The college decided to side with the person in my class who openly accused me of abducting kids and raping them in cars. I'm £3,000 in debt, quit a good job, lost a year of my life, gained a mentally ill tag and lost a girl who I loved more than life itself because of this. I just feel numb. People are telling me things will get better. How? Please tell me how in God's name things can improve when I am screwed in every literal sense. I don't have a pot to **** in, I don't have a job and I have lost the career I was working so hard for.

Post Edited By Moderator (Raniah) : 7/13/2009 6:33:51 PM (GMT-6)

I've really given up on even trying to bounce back. My parents came out with an unbelievable statement earlier - 'Accept the life you have and embrace it'. So I should embrace getting physically and verbally abused whenever I am out in public because of who I am? No thanks. I didn't sign up for that and I don't intend to be screwed over again. I really think I am either going to end up holing myself up like a recluse or lose it big time. They really are my only two options. Counselling and the like isn't an option now. I've tried various ones and they really were a pile of crap. Honestly guys I'm not sensing much light at the end of this tunnel unless you can cut 4 inches out of my legs and wave a magic wand to undo the past six months.

I've given up fighting. I have nothing and there's no way to get it back. I've been blacklisted by every training college in the country all because I defended myself against these vile accusations. I really have given up all hope now.

Hi Rich, I’ve done the hermit thing, and the ‘losing it’ thing, and both of them seemed like the only solution at the time. In fact, I felt like that would be my way of life for an extended period of time, and I spent months and months staying inside the house and slowly going nuts. However, life got very miserable after a while. Eventually, I had to find a way to live again. That time will come for you, too, but perhaps you have some things to work through first. Things are still very raw for you, and you should continue to vent and air your anger as much as you need to….just get it out, here at the forum if you want, or with someone in your life whom you trust. Just know that there will come a time when you will be tired of raging at the world and want something more for yourself. It takes time to accept the terrible things that happen to us in life, and there is nothing wrong with giving yourself that time. Hang in there, and keep posting with us.

Hi Rich, I am not sure how these things work in your country, as I am in Canada. So, I am wondering....is there a restriction on your eligibility for employment because of your history? Also, are there any programs for people who have been sectioned to help you get a job? I am also wondering what happened with your attempt to get incapacity benefits. I do care, Rich, and would like to understand better about your situation.

Hi Rich, I'm sorry you are still waiting on the benefits. Do you have any sort of agent or case worker helping with that? I wonder if you might be interested in doing some volunteer work while you are waiting. It would get you out of the house and get your mind off your problems. It’s hard to be depressed when you’re helping other people. Just a thought. Take care, and keep posting with us.

Wow, Rich, you can't seem to get a break right now. I am so sorry. I got excited when I read that you were playing football, and I'm so disheartened to think that someone ruined it for you. As far as the social worker helping you to get a new place, would that be in conjunction with you getting incapacity benefits, or is that a separate issue? I can understand your concern about finding a way to finance things. I would hope that the social worker would take that into consideration and maybe hook you up with the right resources to help you in that regard. I'm glad you're continuing to post here, and I hope and pray that something good will happen to give you a boost. Hang in there. (((hugs)))