IM TRYING TO GET BETTER BUT.....

Hi Everyone

 

I am so desperate that I don't know what to do anymore.  I went to my doctor the other day and showed him what I have been writing to all of you so try and make him understand.  He said it was a very good summary about the way I feel but I dont know if he can help me.  I simply don't know what's happening to me, no-one I talk to has experienced this pain I get in my head and I'm trying to get better but this illness is taking my mind over and I feel like ....  Today has been a really bad day and so was last night.  I don't know how to feel well anymore. I've been going to grow groups but they dont seem to be helping.  I had 3 reasonable days last week and then I was struck with this illness again. This has been going on for too long, people are starting to get sick of me talking about it, i feel so alone.  My brother hasn't spoken to me in months because he wants me to sell our family home but I cant at the moment.  The death of my parents has done something horrible to my mind which I never thought could happen. Please can someone help me this is not depression this is a devil inside of me.

 

Bella23

 

Post Edited By Moderator (Raniah) : 7/18/2009 8:24:07 AM (GMT-6)

Bella, I'm so sorry. I don't know what tests you have already had with respect to your headaches, but please do not give up on finding a doctor who can help you. There are some good ones out there, but sometimes it takes a while to find them. Hara is right.....if you are feeling suicidal, you must get help immediately. Call 911 or a suicide crisis line and talk to someone right away. Your life is precious, and you deserve to have a chance at a diagnosis and treatment so that you can feel better. I understand how the ongoing pain seems too much to bear. Just please talk to another doctor if yours is not making the mark. Come back and let us know how you are, okay? We really care.

Hi Bella,

I am so sorry that you are struggling so. I would see another doctor or persue this headache deal. There could be a physical reason for so many headaches. Are you eating right? It seems to me you said that you have blood sugar problems. If your blood sugars drop, that will give you a headache. Make sure that you are eating four to six times a day, small meals, to keep your blood sugars from spiking or dropping. This is very important. Also you could be getting tension headaches. They are no fun and could turn into migraines. They are usually at the back of the head feeling like somebody is squeezing your head. Often if you relax the neck and shoulders, these will go away. But I would keep complaining to the doctor about this. It is nothing to mess around with.

Keep a journal as to what is going on when you get your headaches, how often you have eaten and what you have eaten. This could help you isolate what is going on.

Best wishes to you.


Hugs, Karen

Hey Kitt, Thanks for the numbers.

HARA

Bella,

I will admit that I feel peacful just sitting in a church and in fact I love to visit churches when I am on vacation.  I also love books with pictures of churches.

I am glad you found some peace in your church.  Bless you to my friend and please no my email is open if you ever feel the need to talk.

I wish you peace and happiness,

Kitt

Hi Bella, I'm glad you experienced a little bit of improvement. I hope that continues for you. You have been in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope you'll keep us posted on your condition. We really care about you, and would like to know how you're doing. (((hugs)))

Bella,

Trust me on this one please,  you are going to be OK.  I know that feeling of lonliness and being stuck inside your head but you must break free.

May I suggest a few things that might help?  Have a plan for those long evenings when you feel alone with your thoughts.  I always keep books I want to read or silly movies that I know will make me laugh.  Sometimes a chick flick that even makes me cry is good as the tears are different then the ones of frustration you feel with your depression. 

Do you belong to a church group, do any volunteer work? I have a casual job during the school year working with children and they really keep me busy for the days I am with them.  Anything available to you that you could volunteer to do?

When you  are experiencing a great deal of pain and loss,  your  self esteem takes a very severe blow.  Perhaps we can help you build up your self esteem and you will be able to ward off the depression better if you feel good about yourself.

Believing in yourself is the cornerstone to improving your self esteem.  And you can do this by starting out small.  List a few things that have made you proud about yourself or things that you have accomplished that you can honestly describe as a success. I know you have many and remember they do not have to be huge accomplishments. 

Everyone has at least a few things that they can be proud of.    Realize just how much better your life will be if you allow yourself the gift of having a high level of self esteem.  Realize that your relationships will improve and that you can begin to achieve what you want if you really feel good about yourself.

We all believe in you and want you to get better so make that list and keep adding to it everytime you remember something you have accomplished in your life.

Start with writing down that you reached out to the members of this forum looking for help.  That was a huge step and a great accomplishment. 

Gentle Hugs and Prayers,

Kitt

I had a terrible setback today. I haven't felt this bad for a while I was so thinking about taking an over-dose but I had to laugh when my cousin said your not going to die when you take those pills I will have to come over and stab you to death if you want to finish the job.
No but seriously the tension in my head has been so bad and I've felt like vomiting. I had my lovely niece over with her baby and I put on my acting job all day then when she left I let it all out. I went up to my mother's picture to light her candle still crying and her picture fell on the floor on it's own breaking it to pieces. I thought that might be a sign of her telling me stop being unhappy. I don't know I feel terrible at this very moment as I'm typing this I feel so desperate what am I going to do. I'm meant to go to a grow group tomorrow but I don't know how I will feel. Maybe I should push myself to go. I'm scared the doc will send me to hospital but I don't want to leave my dog and home so I have to push myself abit more to get better this has become like a terrible habit in me. PLEASE HELP ME!

I went to GROW today and wasn't too bad and then I went to the shops to buy a new frame for my mum's photo but then I couldn't find my car and I started to get all teary till I saw a security guard and he helped me. I found my car and went straight home where I was O.k. for a while but then the tension headaches started again and now I feel really bad again, I'm losing hope I CANT GO ON LIVING LIKE THIS I feel like I'm going insane.

BELLA23

Depression is the devil and has many faces.  Please seek out another Dr. if you feel the one you are seeing now is not doing everything they can to help you.  My depression was a very physical thing, days when my whole body ached, someone would ask me a question and I could not even focus enough to answer, I know how frustrating it can be.  All you want is to feel better.  Sounds like you are doing some positive things and that is good.  Until I changed Dr's and even then got another opinion and finally got meds right, then I started feeling lot better and being able to handle life's stresses without completely melting down.  Do not, I repeat, do not give up!  You can and will find a way to feel better.  Focus on taking good care of yourself and when your mind starts going in the wrong direction, tell it to take a hike and get busy doing something you really enjoy.  Really, you may just need a med adjustment or different med all together.

Good luck and chat us up anytime.  This is the greatest forum and the people here are awsome and really do know what you are going through.  when I meditate tonight I have already promised Jamie some good vibes and I will send you some too!  Believe in yourself and that you can beat this, because you can.

Gem

Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart, but today I nearly did give up, I'm losing hope, I'm trying to me strong but this illness keeps beating me, I actually argued with god tonight, i told him i have done so much good in my life by helping people and this is the way you reward me, i told him i wont overdose because my mum and dad wouldnt of want that. I was very close to it. I visited my uncle whose got lung cancer today and after half an hour I started to feel out of control and had to leave I've never done that before. I rushed home and hugged my dog and started howling like a wolf, i was so scared. I rang lifeline and they just listened to what I had to say. The tension in my head has been so bad today, the child in me is coming out asking for my mother and father to help me. I don't know which way to turn anymore, what is happening to my mind, I dont want to go to hospital, I want to stay in my own home with my puppy. I have to try and get a grip on things oh somebody please help me. Why can't I get better what's stopping me I don't know. All I know is that after my parents death something snapped in my mind, was I so dependent on them I must of been. Then I start thinking about my other breakdowns which weren't as bad but I did manage to lose all of my jobs over them and I get more depressed. I DONT KNOW ANYMORE ALL I KNOW IS THAT IM NOT ANNA-MARIA ANY MORE.

bella23

Bella,  Please don't give up.  You have made the effort to reach out to the HW group. That is a very positive step.  I don't know how long it has been since you lost your parents but there is no time limit on grief.  You need to take the time to mourn their loss. Is there a grief support group you could attend?  That might give you some perspective on handling your feelings.  Also, as others have suggested I would try to fnd another dr. to see if someone can tell why you have the headaches.  They sound like stress and tension headaches but there must be a temporary med you can take to stop them.  Have you considered individual counseling?  That might help.  As far as your home is concerned don't sell it until you are ready.  The fact that you have a dog is good as pets are truly a comfort and it sounds like your dog is good for you.  Please, please know how much everyone here wants the best for you and for you to start to feel better.  You mentioned you sat in a church.  Is that your local parish where you attend services?  Even if not you could go and ask to have a talk with the preacher.  I find that preachers are very good at helping those in need and can be very comforting. Please keep posting, we are all here to help you and support you in your time of need.  There is always somone who will respond to you.  Do try to take good care of yourself.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora

Bella,

There must be something that you can do to relieve these headaches that you are getting. Have you went on line to try to find some relief.? Just doesn't seem normal. Not to have them all the time. I get them when my neck and shoulder muscles get tight. I have what is called a bed buddy. It is a tubethat you can put in the microwave. It is filled with rice. I heat it up and then put it around my neck. It really helps. I got mine at Walmarts. Maybe you could try that.

Anyways don't give up. Keep posting here, everybody loves you.

Hugs, Karen