Frustration

The one word that really sums up how I'm feeling at this moment in time. I'm kinda stuck in a bit of a rut but not as bad as I was before.

After everything that happened, I've been throwing myself into my work like I did before it all blew up in my face. The people I'm working for have been impressed and slightly astounded at my output. Most of them leave the office at 5pm, go home and relax for the night. I don't. If I can find work I'll do it. Makes no odds to me what time I finish as I'm currently working from home so I can complete a task and be in bed in a matter of minutes.

Everyone tells me not to burn myself out again like last time and that I should relax but every time I do my mind wanders back to the section and to how everyone that knows about it is just apathetic to the situation. I even had some little jobsworth at the hospital, tattoo'd up to the eyeballs, telling me to 'get over it'. I was actually very close to walking out and swinging a sly elbow in her face such was the attitude of her.

Just seems that no matter what I accomplish in life, this is always going to be hanging over me because there's no way I can challenge it and to be honest if that's the case then I honestly can't be arsed. Don't see the point in getting up and making something of the day if I'm having to tell people at job interviews and the like that I was wrongly sectioned once upon a time and refused to appeal against it. I might as well tell them I've got HIV or even AIDS because I'm always going to get the same reaction. This thing about the Disability Discrimination Act is utter bullcrap. So are these statistics about mental illness. One in four people suffer with depression at some point in their lives. How many of them have to say 'I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act' when going to a job interview? It won't be one in four. It'll be **** all in four.

So as a result of the apathy shown by friends and family and the refusal of the authorities to listen to the voice of reason on the matter, I've been forced to throw myself into my work excessively. I'm working 15 hours a day 7 days a week, only stopping for meals, sleep and bathroom breaks. I don't have a life outside of work and the way things have been since April I don't particularly want one if I'm going to be stigmatised for the rest of my life because some little *** couldn't be bothered to submit a simple form allowing me to appeal against something HE had wrongly put against my name.

I'm honestly wondering why I bother getting up every day. I mean really, why try and make a go of things if you're always going to be viewed as a head-the-ball?

why get up and face another day? because life has been given to us, and because it is precious. the sun always shines.....even on those days when it blowing a gale and the sky is pelting us with tennis balls of ice-the sun may not shinning-yet when you pass someone who says g'day, or offers us a lift, help with our bags etc-this is the sun shinning. with loving compassion. jamie

my advice don't listen to them. there are a bunch of people in the world that are stuck up snobs and don't ever think about anyone but themselves. trust me there not worth your time, energy, and thought. maybe this is a sign that the job that your at isn't right for you, i believe in changing things up every once in a while. life is no fun if you can't see a different side of things. i encourage you to try new things, even if it means just going to a reserant you haven't been to in a while. I know how easy it is to get caught up in all the crap that happens around us. just keep going your potentail with come through, but maybe in just an unsespected way.... best wishes, and happy thoughts for the future.

Potential,
I really want to encourage you to try to find something out there that you can do. I know that's nearly impossible & there may only be one out of a thousand jobs who would even consider hiring someone with a section (& then that means competing against everybody else who has a tough situation & is looking for open-minded employers), but the alternative is to sit home & just grow angrier & more depressed. The "state" really isn't going to care one way or another about what you do or what happens to you -- that much should really be clear to you already. I've been caught up in those thoughts myself before: "if they just see how much they are ruining my life & have to watch me try to make things more difficult for them, then they will have to do something to help me". But the thing is, that never works. They will either ignore you or re-commit you. Neither of which helps you.

I get it. I know it sucks. But the thing is, now you just have to make the best with what you have. Trust me, they will get so much angrier to see you be wildly successful than to watch you wither away into nothing. I remember back in high school, my sophomore year, I had this horrible teacher who told me I would never, ever be able to learn Spanish & that I was the stupidest student she had ever had in her 20+ years of teaching. She failed me & my GPA plummeted. I got really depressed & tried to end my life b/c I thought that would show her. My GPA was destroyed the next semester & I gave up on going to university. But I was lucky to have a really great Spanish teacher that next year (when I was repeating the class) who convinced me to stop being angry & self-destructive all the time & to put all that energy into my coursework. You can't even imagine the smug pride that I felt when, at the end of my senior year, I tested higher than anyone else in the school, including the Advanced Placement Spanish-5 students, even though I had only completed Spanish 3 Standard. My Spanish 3 teacher made sure to point that out to the meanie teacher during one of their planning meetings -- she said the evil woman almost melted with shame. :) 5 years later, she was being asked to leave the school & I was offered her job. That was so fantastic!

I try to remind myself of that experience whenever I get really down about my situation & just want to give up. Things seemed so hopeless back then. I thought I was not going to be accepted to any university. I was given a provisional acceptance to a pretty good university & ended up graduating with university honors & near native proficiency in Spanish. For me, at least, it is so easy to fall into self-destructive thoughts. I feel like I will be punishing others by harming myself. So I have to just keep reminding myself that those thoughts are not true -- that nobody will much care if I hurt myself -- sure, they will try to stop me, but not b/c they really care one way or another. Some people are just stubborn, or jerks, or whatever & the only way to beat them is to achieve what they tried to keep you from achieving. If that's an education, then by working hard, switching schools, getting great grades, etc. If that's a job, then by being creative, finding a place to start, building a reputation & moving up the corporate ladder.

Hang in there! I know if I had it in me to pull it together, then there is no doubt that you will be able to find success for yourself as well. Just keep at it & things will eventually get better -- no, it won't be quick or easy, but it can happen with a lot of hard work & a bit of creativity & open-mindedness about what kinds of jobs might be a good match. Keep posting & letting us know how it goes! :)

peace,
Frances

Good luck! Let us know how the blog goes. :)

BUMP. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? THX JAMIE.

thanks france's. still learning. hope you are a doing ok. you are always in my thoughts.

with loving compassion. jamie

I agree with Maz.  I'm not sure I understand all of your circumstances, but I'm afraid the blog will just keep you dwelling on something that will ultimately hurt you more than anyone else.  I have felt such anger towards people who have wronged me and have spent countless hours trying to think of how to deal with the situation on my own.  All it did for me was cause me more stress and anguish.  But I understand how hard it is to let go of your feelings; I have trouble doing that myself. 

People have told me to direct my energies elsewhere; into something truly productive.  It's easier said than done, but ultimately works out better for you.  For whatever it's worth, I have noticed than when people have really wronged me, it eventually catches up to them.  Something unfortunate eventually happens to them.  (Not that I wish it would; I try to avoid that kind of wishful thinking).  But this only seems to happen when I step back and don't try to make things happen.  It's better to step back and let things happen.   

WP,

I am going to respectfully add some stuff on to what my fellow mods have said. Because I think we are struggling with what we can do to help you? What exactly can we do to be supportive of you? We all agree that being confined against one's will is not something anyone would choose to do. But now comes the phase in which one learns how to deal with harm done to them, whether it is keeping it an open bleeding wound or find a way to help that wound to heal.  I am sure you are aware that keeping this an open bleeding wound is not a healthy thing.  So we are struggling with how do we help you find a way to heal? 

I think the question for us all to consider is how can we heal and feel better?  What are the steps we need to take? (I want you to know I think the other mods were trying to get at that as well.) I am not sure if you have ever heard of a saying that goes something like holding on to anger is like drinking poison and hoping the person you are angry with dies. I am are concerned that you are still drinking this posion.  If writing this blog will help you get expell that poison, then I say do it. If this helps you work thru what happened and how you feel about it then good.  I suspect that the issues in part might be that you are not feeling heard and validated.  Whatever you do, I think moving in a positive proactive direction that will help heal this wound you have suffered is a really good idea.

What do you think will help?
I just want to make the suggestion, because I do not know what else we can do, of thinking about finding a mental health professional (and I know that is a big huge risk for you) that you like and you feel comfortable with (and it could take several) that can help you deal with the issues you are having (or perhaps I am incorrect that you are having issues with this, but I think anyone would say that being confined against one's will is tramatic), because I am concerned that this will just continue to eat at you and I think we are all trying to find a way to help you heal from this wound. I do not know, if they ever came up with a dx for you, but I think finding a mental health care professional that will understand your perspective and advocate for you would be a first line of defense against this happening again, it might help to be heard, and might help with your complaint.

So I again submit the question to you, how can we help support your healing process?

You know what? People are trying to help you. They are taking time from their lives to respond to you and find out how they can best support you, and all you do is rubbish them. Im done trying to help, as any comment i leave will only be met with derision from you. And again- you are not the first, or only person who has experienced total, blatant prejudice when it comes to mental health. You wont find answers while you channel your anger into bitterness. Ive tried to be helpful and constructive, and your responses are rude and self centred which is so unecessary.

Maz

I can understand actually where you are coming from I was told my illness was in my head for quite some time and I physically could not work. I think the more important thing now is to try and figure out a path beyond this. You cannot control what other people do, but you can control yourself. You have had some really crappy things happen, but you cannot marinate in this poison forever. Justin Fashanu route is really not an option, and not allowed on this board. So cut that crap out right now. I understand, believe me I UNDERSTAND, but that is really not going to fix the problem. In fact talking like that proves them right. So how are you going to get square away, because behaving this way is not working.

Arent there laws to protect you against discrimination? Im not sure how it works in Britain, but here in Australia we are somewhat protected from the way you have been treated. Bare with me, im only trying to understand, why do you have to disclose to employers that you were sectioned? Is is the law?

So they view your being sectioned as meaning you are a threat or danger to others? Thats so unfair.